For me, an important part of being on a medicine path is relating to things, using things, coming into an awareness of things, in a sacred manner.  What does that mean?

At some point, I may  add a page that explores in a more formal way the concepts of being in right relationship, of acting in a sacred manner, of acknowledging the consciousness and energy of all forms and dynamics of nature.  For now, I shall note some of the pivotal points along the journey of unfolding and enfolding states of deep awareness, of seeing life-spirit connections, of evolving readiness for shamanic initiation.

In some sense, all of my life pointed me towards this rite of passage.  Every experience I've had, every sorrow, every joy, all the trials, all the tears, all the blessings, have been preparing me, have been living me in a sacred manner.  Some I can point to, others I can't.  Some I will talk about here, others many of you already know about, or have been part of.  As I've come to know, living in a sacred manner isn't always easy, or all sweetness and light. Like the Tao, ease, happiness, convenience, pleasure are balanced with difficulty, sadness, hardship, terror and so forth. Perhaps seeing the pieces here gives a more unified picture of spirits and lifeforce working over a lifetime.

Pivotal Points

A family story from when I was a preschooler has it that I used to go around pretending I was leading a horse.  In the department stores, I'd get quite disturbed if the elevator closed on my horse before we got all the way in.  From early on horses were significant to me, enough that my imaginary friend in these years apparently was a four-legged.  It was no surprise that when I called for my directional guardians and guides many years later that Horse would eagerly appear.

We lived near a stables where I grew up.  Neighborhood kids got to ride if we helped muck out the stalls, feed and water, straighten up the tack room, and walk some of the horses whose owners didn't allow us to ride.  This was where I had my first experience of sheer freedom and power, on the back of a hunter as he sailed over the jumps in the lower ring.  This was where I learned respect for beings more powerful than myself who nonetheless might be willing ---if treated well— to let me align myself with their abilities and ways of being in the world.

Sundays at summer camp when I was 14 left an indelible impression.  Jana, my camp counselor, would take us out into the woods and read to us from Khalil Gibran's The Prophet or other metaphysically inspirational writings.  Something in the poetry and mystery of these ideas connected with my spirit, as if answering questions I did not yet know I had.

My first sexual experience (and others through the years) was certainly a rite of passage, initiating the profound urge to merge with the divine force that is greater than human being can ever be.  Beside a lone pine tree, on kinnickinnick covered ground, under a starry summer night sky and in the shadow of one of the tallest peaks of the Rocky Mountains, I experienced the recognition of connection with the lifeforce.  Nature was as much my lover as was the other human being there.  Looking back, I see that it was a numinous experience.  I felt profoundly one with the universe.  I had the sense that the molecules moving in me were also moving in the tree, the stars and everything around me.

Surgery at 19 sent me into the chthonic realm, an underworld of dark forces.  Some of you know that story in some form or another.  The person I was before then died--- emotionally, energetically, spiritually, psychologically.  Some new person emerged, functioned in the world, responded to others, made some happiness, had a life.  But a part of me remained dead, never to fulfill the trajectory of the life potential that could have been.  Only in recent years has this experience become a teacher, and a gift, thus serving as a double rite of passage.

More doorways opened with marriage, living and working on two continents, and divorce.  I had found myself in my work. I had a community in which I felt welcomed.  I was a card carrying, if non-uniformed, member.  I felt like a big fish in a small pond, and I liked it.  It suited me. I learned to listen to many different points of view, and experienced Korean and German cultural traditions in their native forms.  These were the years when I started to become aware of my impact on others, and when I realized that I had a greater awareness than most people had of what things needed to happen in order for other things to go smoothly.  It puzzled me what I saw seemed to be hidden from others---or at least that's the way they behaved.

And again with marriage, quitting my work and the world I belonged to, moving to a city where I knew only one person, having a hard labored  birth of a son, followed by another move to a strange city, and then another.  I was uprooted, isolated, lonely, disoriented----I began to lose the sense of who I was.  I was slipping back into the underworld, my consciousness was closing up, and it was all so subtle that I barely knew what was happening until it was too late.

Then another pregnancy, tenuous survival of one daughter and death of the other, and what became nearly a decade lost in depression, to one degree or another----and so began a second visit to the underworld.   But there were helpers there this time, and tests to perform.  This time instead of dying to get in to the underworld, I knew I would die if I stayed there. 

The way out became a series of steps up a steep learning curve of awakening consciousness.  Antioch, hypnotherapy training, Yohti energy healing training, starting a therapy practice, SMHI, beginning teaching, setting an example for my young children of being a  life-long learner and bettering oneself through education and having a life purpose to work on---all this was step one.

Becoming involved with and then committed to Crossroads Learning Center, renewing my skills and my sense of personal fulfillment in newspaper design and layout, and developing skills in program and curriculum design and management, self-directed learning about pagan and shamanic spiritualities, interacting with people who I'd never been exposed to before and discovering their beauty, knowledge and interests paralleled mine in many ways, Bastyr trials by fire, the agonies of deciding another divorce was necessary to save my life, moving into an apartment alone, more teaching, ----these and more increased the rate at which my consciousness grew, opened me to worlds I never knew existed, tempered my character through tears and triumphs, and made up step two.

Deciding to pursue a PhD, applying only to Saybrook and getting in, working fulltime and finalizing divorce while writing papers on the weekends, experiencing the death of my father, quitting the day job at Bastyr, leaving some friends and  reconnecting with others, wrestling with my shadow and having corrective surgery, doing research in a sacred manner, writing a research textbook, passing my candidacy exams and being given the Dissertation with Distinction Award----these and other triumphs were step three that brought me out of the second underworld and into a realm blossoming with possibilities.

It is often said that life initiates us.  Life kills us, and then creates us anew.  This chronicle of the pivotal points in my life, these rites of passage pleasant and awful, have given me a respect and reverence for the powers that are greater than myself. I am painfully and delightfully aware of the doorways to other realms that I have several times traversed.  I am becoming acquainted with my guides and helpers in those realms who now more frequently lend their support to my endeavors in this world as I continually strive to live in a sacred manner.  My shamanic initiation acknowledges all of this context, and so much more.