Friday, January 27, 2006
Grace Triumphant 010
March 9, 2005
After a long, long time I realized that I was in bare feet on broken pieces of plates and glasses. The house was cold. I was crouched down, but I didn't know why. And then I looked up and saw Benjamin and Rachel, holding each other by the pantry, crowded into a corner, their eyes enormous, their faces white.
"My children," I whispered.
Benjamin, with a courage I'll never forget, made the first move towards me, his voice shaking. "Mom?" His voice shook. It was only that rare determination, his father's determination, that kept him going "Did you have a bad dream?" He was terrified. Of me.
"Son," I said. "I'm so sorry. Stay there. You'll cut your feet. Stay right there."
I stood up and with careful steps I picked him up first. I told Rachel to stay until I got her, and she nodded and then her eyes filled up with tears. I carried him to the living room, and then I came and got her.
"Mama what happened?" she whispered as I set her down. "Where did Daddy go?"
"Mom don't you love Daddy any more?" Ben asked, his voice still shaking.
"Let me turn the heat on," I said, but they wouldn't let me go. They held onto me and kept saying they weren't cold. They were crying for me not to leave them, even though the thermostat was only up the hallway. So at last I bundled them onto the sofa with me. I held them both and felt them shivering.
"Benjamin and Rachel, I love you very much," I said. "Don't be afraid of me. That will never happen again. And I'll never hurt you, children. I love you more than anything."
"Mama are you mad at Daddy?" Rachel asked.
A sob got out of me. Benjamin, with an innocence and yet an insight that actually frightened me for a moment, suddenly asked, "Did Daddy stop loving us? What did Daddy do?"
"Children, it's all right." I rocked them both. Realization dawned on me. I had to protect them. I had to keep them out of this. "Mommy and Daddy have things they have to settle. But we love you. We'll always love you. But you have to let us work things out." Did Greg love them, I wondered. Or had they lost his love as well? My precious children, the most beautiful children in the world.
The tears started down my face as I held them and rocked them.
"Mom, will Daddy come back?" Rachel asked.
"Shh, darling. Daddy won't be back tonight. Don't be afraid any more. You're both so cold. Just let me get up and turn on the heat."
"No I'm not cold!" Benjamin exclaimed, clinging to me. And Rachel clung to me from her side. "I'm warm, Mommy!"
"Children, I'm sorry that I frightened you." I kissed their heads. I pulled the sofa cushions over us to make them warm.
"Don't cry," Ben said. "We love you."
I held them and waited, and after five minutes, Rachel nodded and dropped to sleep, her head on my lap. And then Ben fell asleep. Ben has a spare bed in his room, for sleepovers. I carried them, one at a time, to his room and put them to bed, and then I sat in the dark room with them to make sure they slept. After an hour passed, I went to my room and put on my slippers and my robe, and then I swept everything up in the kitchen and made sure the door was locked,
By then it was after three. I went into Ben's room and climbed into bed with Rachel. I held her in my arms. In his bed, Ben talked in his sleep a couple times, and I said, "Benjamin, I'm right here, Son," whenever he was troubled.
"Mommy it was just a bad dream," Rachel said, her eyes closed, at about five thirty. What have I done to my children? I thought. I couldn't pray because I was too ashamed. But I hoped God still knew and would protect them. Greg had fallen into adultery, and I had gone insane. It was still too much to take in. I couldn't take in anything more than the next minute. I couldn't think further than that.
And then, as the sun came up in a watery and cold dawn, I remembered Amy Carmichael and Jim. I remembered Jim's words to me so long ago. "You've been like a sister to me. You'll always be welcome in my house." I never doubted for a moment that after 15 years it would still matter to Jim, the man who had built a house for his betrothed with his own hands. Greg might abandon the most sacred of his promises, but Jim, I knew full well, would never abandon the least of his.
Like any badly used woman, I was going to run with my children to my trusted friends.
|
After a long, long time I realized that I was in bare feet on broken pieces of plates and glasses. The house was cold. I was crouched down, but I didn't know why. And then I looked up and saw Benjamin and Rachel, holding each other by the pantry, crowded into a corner, their eyes enormous, their faces white.
"My children," I whispered.
Benjamin, with a courage I'll never forget, made the first move towards me, his voice shaking. "Mom?" His voice shook. It was only that rare determination, his father's determination, that kept him going "Did you have a bad dream?" He was terrified. Of me.
"Son," I said. "I'm so sorry. Stay there. You'll cut your feet. Stay right there."
I stood up and with careful steps I picked him up first. I told Rachel to stay until I got her, and she nodded and then her eyes filled up with tears. I carried him to the living room, and then I came and got her.
"Mama what happened?" she whispered as I set her down. "Where did Daddy go?"
"Mom don't you love Daddy any more?" Ben asked, his voice still shaking.
"Let me turn the heat on," I said, but they wouldn't let me go. They held onto me and kept saying they weren't cold. They were crying for me not to leave them, even though the thermostat was only up the hallway. So at last I bundled them onto the sofa with me. I held them both and felt them shivering.
"Benjamin and Rachel, I love you very much," I said. "Don't be afraid of me. That will never happen again. And I'll never hurt you, children. I love you more than anything."
"Mama are you mad at Daddy?" Rachel asked.
A sob got out of me. Benjamin, with an innocence and yet an insight that actually frightened me for a moment, suddenly asked, "Did Daddy stop loving us? What did Daddy do?"
"Children, it's all right." I rocked them both. Realization dawned on me. I had to protect them. I had to keep them out of this. "Mommy and Daddy have things they have to settle. But we love you. We'll always love you. But you have to let us work things out." Did Greg love them, I wondered. Or had they lost his love as well? My precious children, the most beautiful children in the world.
The tears started down my face as I held them and rocked them.
"Mom, will Daddy come back?" Rachel asked.
"Shh, darling. Daddy won't be back tonight. Don't be afraid any more. You're both so cold. Just let me get up and turn on the heat."
"No I'm not cold!" Benjamin exclaimed, clinging to me. And Rachel clung to me from her side. "I'm warm, Mommy!"
"Children, I'm sorry that I frightened you." I kissed their heads. I pulled the sofa cushions over us to make them warm.
"Don't cry," Ben said. "We love you."
I held them and waited, and after five minutes, Rachel nodded and dropped to sleep, her head on my lap. And then Ben fell asleep. Ben has a spare bed in his room, for sleepovers. I carried them, one at a time, to his room and put them to bed, and then I sat in the dark room with them to make sure they slept. After an hour passed, I went to my room and put on my slippers and my robe, and then I swept everything up in the kitchen and made sure the door was locked,
By then it was after three. I went into Ben's room and climbed into bed with Rachel. I held her in my arms. In his bed, Ben talked in his sleep a couple times, and I said, "Benjamin, I'm right here, Son," whenever he was troubled.
"Mommy it was just a bad dream," Rachel said, her eyes closed, at about five thirty. What have I done to my children? I thought. I couldn't pray because I was too ashamed. But I hoped God still knew and would protect them. Greg had fallen into adultery, and I had gone insane. It was still too much to take in. I couldn't take in anything more than the next minute. I couldn't think further than that.
And then, as the sun came up in a watery and cold dawn, I remembered Amy Carmichael and Jim. I remembered Jim's words to me so long ago. "You've been like a sister to me. You'll always be welcome in my house." I never doubted for a moment that after 15 years it would still matter to Jim, the man who had built a house for his betrothed with his own hands. Greg might abandon the most sacred of his promises, but Jim, I knew full well, would never abandon the least of his.
Like any badly used woman, I was going to run with my children to my trusted friends.
