Dating With Disease

Dating With Disease

I had originally planned to write this essay with the title “Dating With Depression”, but with so many other problems impeding my ability to function, I thought it more thorough to use a more broad term. I want to inform people that even with chronic illness a person still has the desire for romantic companionship. I want the reader to glimpse a little of what life is like for someone in my situation. And for some of you, you may gain new perspective on a friend or even a lover who suffers with some sort of debilitating illness.

Many people think of debilitating as being when someone is incapacitated or in a wheelchair. But debilitated is simply having your mobility impeded, in most cases by illness or disease. I have struggled with Major Depressive Disorder for my entire life, although it got painfully much worse several years ago, when I developed Fibromyalgia severely in 2000 and was unable to work. I went on temporary disability leave, not realizing the severity of my illness. And I recently found out that I now have Epstein-Barr virus and have Chronic Fatigue Syndrome as well. I have been very dissatisfied with my situation. And I was unable to change it with the onset of illness. And this in turn made me more depressed, as you can reasonably see.

Regardless of illness or living situation, I still had the desire for romantic companionship. Unfortunately with the already complex world of dating, my illness made it even harder. First of all I wasn’t able to go out in order to meet anyone. And second many people don’t want to be with someone who is chronically ill. Also being on disability the income is very limited so there isn’t enough money to go out and meet people. And another thing I’ve found to be an extra challenge is that men are usually not as sensitive to illnesses and emotional problems which cannot be easily seen. They don’t usually empathize or sympathize as easily. I once dated a moan who told me he didn’t think my illness was as serious as I said or thought it was. I mean, who’s living in my body? Me or him? To think someone would think that you don’t know how you feel. Needless to say I didn’t see him long. From then on I decided that that had to be a major deciding factor in those I would become romantically involved with. With the combo of my depression, FMS, and Chronic Fatigue it is like being single and middle-aged rather than like a woman of only 32. I enjoy so many things and my mind is very energetic, but unfortunately my body isn’t always a match to that energy.

In spite of my mental energy, I will probably grow old with a bunch of cats. I have learned a lot about myself and the things I can tolerate, I became homeless a few years ago, which also put a serious damper on my dating. Then I began to get worse and Social Security Disability benefits don’t include quality of life or entertainment money. It is the bare minimum for basic expenses and needs. So it has been made that much worse with not having money to go out and meet people. It is simpler if one has a computer. It’s not as unusual or as unacceptable as it once was to make connections online as it once was. That’s very helpful for one such as me who isn’t able to go out much. Caution is of course, still a priority. And first meeting always take place in a public place.

Another challenge is knowing when to reveal the shameful secret. It can be rather shameful when you must reveal to a potential love interest that you’re not like other girls and you may be too tired or sick sometimes for activities. In a world driven by money and success being measured by the hours you spend in the office and the amount of money you make, having a chronic illness can make you feel very inadequate. But, there are so many things that I’ve learned about myself and I’ve honed my writing skills in these last several years. I try to think of those things when I am feeling unworthy and like I don’t have anything to offer. That is perhaps the biggest challenge to dating, overcoming your own self-esteem or lack thereof. But, I’m a very social person and really do better by being out in the city where the action is. I am not attempting to offer any answers to these conundrums. I am simply explaining and pointing out the added disadvantages for those of us with a chronic illness.

Ultimately as medical science discovers more ways to relieve the misery that chronic illnesses cause, there will also be more hope for being productive. And in being more productive, I also hope to renew and revive my love life.