The Depressive Awareness

Many people still cannot grasp depression, a medical and psychiatric illness. I am not writing this for those who have known someone who suffers from it and still say to them that they just need to snap out of it or just think positive. They are likely never going to understand unless gods-willing they suffer from it themselves. I have become aware that some people do not have the capacity to understand concepts with which they are unfamiliar, or have not themselves directly experienced. And even more unfortunate, most of these people don’t even have the self-awareness to realize they are that way.

                For those of us however who do suffer from Depression, know someone who does, or have the ability to empathize and/or understand, this is for you. I do not need to define depression. I need only describe the feelings associated with it which I experience.

                I am going to discuss the chronic depression which lasts from several years to lifelong. What is it that causes an individual to feel moderate to severe sadness for most of the time and for several years at a time? I do not have the answers nor do doctors. I am simply trying to give a clear and concise point of view as well as offer some theories for much of its causality. It is very important to have support, both mental and emotional.  I speak about this in my essay “The Predication of a Symptomatic Illness” where I discuss the symptoms and hardships of Fibromyalgia Syndrome from which I also suffer.

                There are a few things that relieve the severity of depression that I experience. I am referring to things other than prescribed anti-depressants. Sexual involvement with a loving and caring partner is often helpful. Sexual activity increases the serotonin in the brain at the time of orgasm. Serotonin is the chemical which makes us feel happy and/or euphoric. Also (and this may sound controversial) alcoholic beverages also react temporarily in this way. Many depressives feel more depressed if they consume alcohol, but I experience a paradoxical reaction from alcohol meaning that it acts as a stimulant for me.  No one should drink in excess because of health risks; however, depression usually causes people to participate in risky and unhealthy behavior. I think depressives even if not actually suicidal, often have death wishes to an extent.

                Laughter is and can be the best medicine although cliché studies have shown that laughter really does help us to feel better. Watching a funny TV program, movie or simply having a lighthearted conversation with a friend who makes you laugh; these are all good ways of escaping and feeling better. One of the things I do most when I am feeling bad is watch TV. I’m usually pretty particular about the programs I watch. I am a fiction writer as well and enjoy the way a story is developed in a good murder mystery, drama, or Sci-Fi fantasy program. That is the best way I’ve found to escape my life and the real world entirely. If there is a really good show on or a movie where I can really become absorbed by the story it takes me away better than Calgon ever could.

                I have tried many natural remedies before conceding to anti-depressants. I tried meditation, exercise, St. John’s Wort, acupuncture, prayer, and positive daily affirmations like saying ‘I am a happy person’. For many these types of remedies work and that’s fantastic, but for those of us who must rely on prescription medication it is usually our last resort.

                Depression is so often debilitating leaving one feeling lost, alone, crazy and feeling as if no one understands. For me I have days when I want to escape and/or enjoy myself; those are the good days. Then I have the days where I long to go to sleep and not wake up because to sleep forever seems so much better than my life at that present time. For me my depression is mostly situational at this stage in my life. Most of the hardships I have endured over the past four years stem from Fibromyalgia and Depression. I had a nervous breakdown and became unable to work and my life began to spiral out of control. Without the ability or any adequate help in maintaining bills and rent I was forced to move and had nowhere to go. This led to my homelessness.

                I very strongly believe in the power of positive thinking. But for some people they think that telling you to just think positive or some such silly drivel will miraculously cure you. But that kind of comment to a person who is depressed is most likely only going to anger or hurt someone’s feelings. Thinking positive doesn’t always make you feel positive.  This is the best response to those ‘think positive’ believers. It is neither helpful nor encouraging. If it were that simple there would be no depressed people anywhere. I am appalled at the human capacity and tolerance for stupidity. Again I know this is harsh, but ignorance is often no longer applicable to most because they have either read about, heard about or know someone with Depression. It then just becomes a matter of stupidity for not accepting the reality. It is a very real illness that can affect a person mind, body, and soul. My best advice when dealing with unsympathetic, uncomprehending people is don’t. Stop explaining and trying to make them understand. This is a reality that once accepted you will be able to focus on nurturing, empathetic, and emotionally supportive relationships with those who do care and understand.

                One thing I find comforting is that most, if not all of the great creative personalities throughout history have battled some emotional problem and/or addiction. One of my favorite poets of all time, Edgar Allan Poe, with his brilliant penchant for the literary had his share of problems with drugs and alcohol. Most likely he was probably a very depressed individual, but they rarely diagnosed the illness as frequently at that time. His brilliance however was not shadowed by his addictions. Perhaps there is an association between using substances to mask you sensitivity to depression. It is unfortunate that there is no available study on the depression of our most influential literati. But we don’t have to be doctors to recognize the depressive awareness in a great writer such as Mark Twain. Compare Twain’s writing from his early days to his writing closer to the end after enduring bankruptcy and many family funerals. There is a marked change in his tone and evidently his demeanor. So many people throughout history have suffered from Depression and in some way ruined many of their lives in the end, but if even through suffering and pain people can gain something from my writing then at the end of my life it will have had some meaning. I hope that people reading this will gain some insight or realization concerning depression, its sufferers, and/or symptoms. I used to feel so worthless and often like I had nothing to offer. But now I realize it isn’t just about what you’re offering, but also whether someone appreciates your value, beliefs, talents, abilities, opinions, and worth.

                There are several depressive symptoms I deal with on a regular basis. First and foremost is my most noticeable symptom, the sadness itself. One of the analogies I use to describe the feeling of severe depression is comparing it to the grief you feel after losing a loved one or the feeling after a breakup with someone you were in love with. But imagine that no one has died or broken up with you, you simply feel that way all the time. Sometimes it goes from a mild melancholy to a profound all-consuming morbid hope for death. There were times when I was too depressed to cry. And there have been times when I couldn’t seem to stop crying. I am also appalled and angered by those who will remind you how much worse others have it or in the worst and most insensitive scenario they tell you how much worse they have it. I have experienced this and it’s the most insensitive way to invalidate another persons feelings. The best way to deal with them if there are occasions that you must is, again, don’t. Give the rehearsed socially acceptable response. That leads to no undesirable frustration on your part and no unnecessary confrontation. If someone is interested in whether you’re not fine they’ll let you know. I also have a somewhat empathic personality and am often upset by others pain so when I think of suffering in all its forms then I am more saddened. There are times when my mind races and I seemingly feel the weight of the world and all its pain, suffering, and injustices. I frequently contemplate the Big Picture and it’s pretty bleak. I also feel useless, worthless, like a loser, and unattractive. Logically I am aware that these things are not true, but it is just an overwhelming feeling at times. I used to be in great shape, but with pain, sickness and suffered I gained about 20+ pounds. The depressive state often causes fatigue and hypersomnia (sleeping too much), so often and extreme lack of energy which causes lethargy

 There is also difficulty in concentrating associated with depression as well as anxiety and so I have two strikes against me so to speak. The anxiety often causes chest pains like I am having a heart attack, but many EKG’s have proven that there is nothing apparently wrong with my heart. And I am not one to become fearful that I am dying or getting sick. Although I do know people who do have this type of anxiety and I am not diminishing their problem in any way. I have also had much of my life many instances of extreme irritability, when everything seems to annoy, irritate, or get on my nerves. I only recently discovered that that was a major component to my severe depression. I am attempting to illustrate my own personal struggle with Depression as well as how it affects my life, relationships and those I care about.                

                Dating with Depression can be quite a challenge. I find that most men I have encountered have difficulty understanding and/or being supportive in the way I need. It can be very frustrating. I suppose it is an extra concern given the already complex world of dating. Most people want to be with someone generally healthy and happy.

                So in summation, whether dealing with mild depression or a chronic case serious enough to warrant medication, realize that you are not alone and somewhere, someone understands and empathizes. There are people that are willing and capable of giving the emotional support you need and deserve.   Copyright Layla Tichtchenko 2007