Top Nine Reasons the Dinosaur Will Receive a Visit from Santa This Year

9. The reindeer like to hang out with the dogs on the back roof.

8. This year, thousands of children are asking for Dinosaur hats, t-shirts and hot sauce gift packs.

7. No one will give him a hard time about that long beard of his.

6. Bar-b-que sauce stains won't show up on that red suit when he gets slathered.

5. How many times can you listen to "Jingle Bells" before needing some good ol' rhythm and blues??

4. Global circumnavigation makes you tremendously hungry.

3. In 1997, several Dino staff members have been really good.

2. Flying at 10,000 feet in December, the only thing that will keep you warm is Wango Tango.

1. After all those kids sitting on his lap, Ol' Saint Nick is ready for a waitress!!!

From the Dinosaur Bar-B-Que Bullsheet, December 1997

 

Top Nine Pick-Up Lines That Probably Won't Work on the Dino Waitress Staff

9. "Gosh, you set the table just like Mom does!"

8. "We have an open marriage. Like tonight, I'm here, and she's home cleaning her guns."

7. "I bet my new Ford Escort has just as much pep as a Harley."

6. "In the truly liberated society of the future, tipping will be seen as a decadent remnant of the pre-post-capitalist construct."

5. "Elvis was okay, but he's no John Tesh!"

4. "I asked for skim; this is two percent."

3. "Okay if I run a tab 'til Wednesday's Lotto drawing?"

2. "I think early Mass is best. That way, I have all day to practice my accordion."

1. "I know I'm smart, because I always test positive."

From the Dinosaur Bar-B-Que Bullsheet, July 1996, co-written with Ken Renczenski.