To Pun Is Human…

• How do crazy people go through the forest? They take the psycho path.
• How do you get holy water? You boil the hell out of it.
• What do fish say when they hit a concrete wall? Damn!
• What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long? Polaroids
• What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work? A stick.
• What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese.
• What do you call four bullfighters in quicksand? Quattro cinco.
• What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.
• What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? Frostbite.
• What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A nervous wreck.
• What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup? Anyone can roast beef.
• Why don't blind people like to sky dive? Because it scares the hell out of the dog.
• What kind of coffee was served on the titanic? Sanka.
• What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover? The location of the dirt bag.
• Why do pilgrims' pants always fall down? Because they wear their belt buckle on their hat.
• What's the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver? A bad golfer goes, whack, damn. A bad skydiver goes damn,whack.
• How do you catch a unique rabbit? Unique up on it.
• How do you catch a tame rabbit? Tame way, unique up on it.
• What do you call skydiving lawyers? Skeet.
• What goes clop, clop, clop, bang, bang, clop, clop, clop? An Amish drive-by shooting
• How are a Texas tornado and a Tennessee divorce the same? Somebody's gonna lose a trailer.
• A backwards poet writes inverse.
• A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
• A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
• A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
• A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
• A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Glad Wrap shorts. the shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see your nuts."
• A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
• A lot of money is tainted. It taint yours and it taint mine.
• A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.
• A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
• A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative.
• A plateau is a high form of flattery.
• Acupuncture is a jab well done.
• Air Pollution is a mist-demeanor
• Anything free is worth what you pay for it
• Atheism is a non-prophet organization
• Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
• Banning the bra was a big flop.
• Boycott shampoo... Demand REAL poo!
• Clones are people, two
• COLE'S LAW: Thinly sliced cabbage
• Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
• Corduroy pillows are making headlines.
• Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
• Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bullsh#t before.
• Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
• Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
• Dyslexic man walks into a bra.
• Dyslexics have more fnu
• Editing is a rewording activity
• Energizer Bunny arrested -- charged with battery.
• Entropy isn't what it used to be
• Every calendar's days are numbered.
• Gravity: Not just a good idea, it's the LAW!
• He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
• He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
• Help stamp out and eradicate superfluous redundancy
• I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not sure
• I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
• I went to a seafood disco rave last week.... and pulled a mussel.
• I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
• I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him $50 that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, 'no, the steaks are too high.'
• If electricity comes from electrons ... does that mean that morality comes
• If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
• In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.
• IRS - Be audit you can be
• Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome?
• Jumper cable walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
• Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
• Man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."
• Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
• Microbiology Lab: Staph Only!
• My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. He was pulled in by a strong currant.
• No sense being pessimistic, it probably wouldn't work anyway
• Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.
• Practice safe eating - always use condiments.
• Rap is to music what Etch-a-Sketch is to art
• Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.
• Sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says, "Sorry we don't serve food in here."
• Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
• Sea captains don't like crew cuts.
• She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
• Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
• Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft, and I'll show you A flat minor.
• The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
• The poor guy fell into a glass grinding machine and made a spectacle of himself
• The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
• Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
• Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
• Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
• Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love get married. The ceremony wasn't much but the reception was brilliant.
• Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this Taste funny to you?"
• Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to Dolly "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," said Dolly. "It's true, no bull!"
• Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
• Two fish are in a tank. One says to the other "I'll man the guns, you drive"
• Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says "dam"
• Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."
• Two peanuts walk into a bar One was a salted.
• What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
• What if there were no hypothetical questions?
• What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway.)
• When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
• When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye.
• When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
• When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination.
• With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
• You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
• My reality check just bounced