Things That Make You Go Hmmmm....


Here are some more of these to add to the list. Sounds like they stole this from Steven Wright...my favorite comedian.

  1. If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their lights off?
  2. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
  3. When the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
  4. Why is the word abbreviation so long?
  5. When companies ship styrofoam, what do they pack it in?
  6. Do vegetarians eat animal crackers?
  7. Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
  8. Why are there interstates in Hawaii?
  9. Why are cigarettes sold at gas stations when smoking is prohibited?
  10. Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
  11. How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work?
  12. If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?
  13. If nothing ever sticks to Teflon, how do they make Teflon stick to the pan?
  14. If buttered toast always lands buttered side down and a cat always lands on its feet, what would happen if you tied a piece of buttered toast on the back of a cat and dropped it?
  15. If you are driving at the speed of light and you turn on your headlights, do they do anything?
  16. Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?
  17. Why do we drive on parkways when we park on driveways?
  18. Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called shipment but when you transport something by ship it's called cargo?
  19. You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes -- why
  20. can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?
  21. Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn the radio down?
  22. Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
  23. Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
  24. What does Geronimo say when he jumps out of a plane?
  25. If fire fighters fight fire and crime fighters fight crime, what do freedom fighters fight?
  26. If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
  27. If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?
  28. Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?
  29. If a cow laughed, would milk come out it's nose?
  30. Why is brassiere singular and panties plural?
  31. If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?
  32. What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?
  33. What's another word for thesaurus?
  34. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
  35. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
  36. Can you be a closet claustrophobic?
  37. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
  38. Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?
  39. Why does Porky Pig wear a shirt but no pants.
  40. Also, Why does Porky Pig wear a towel around his waist after a shower, and then remove the towel and put on a shirt with no pants?
  41. Some people say that I'm superficial, but that's just on the surface.
  42. On one hand, I'm indecisive; but on the other, I'm not.
  43. If there's one thing I can't stand, it's intolerance.
  44. The world's full of apathy, but I don't care.
  45. Perspective is in the eye of the beholder.
  46. Prejudiced people are all alike.
  47. What is the probability that something will happen according to the odds?
  48. Those who judge others will burn in Hell!
  49. Exageration is not all it's cracked up to be.
  50. Evil is not all bad.
  51. I'm still not sure if I understand ambiguity.
  52. Always be on the lookout for conspicuousness (or, It's hard to tell if someone is inconspicous).
  53. There's no such thing as nonexistance.
  54. Cooperation can only be reached if we work togerther.
  55. As far as I'm concerned, treachery will sometimes bring loyalty into question.
  56. He doesn't have much of a reputation, or so I've heard.
  57. I disagree with unanimity.
  58. I have my doubts about disbelief.
  59. Avoid Alliteration. Always.
  60. Prepostions are not words to end sentences with.
  61. One should never generalize.
  62. Avoid cliches like the plague.
  63. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
  64. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
  65. Profanity sucks.
  66. I always try to do things in chronological order.
  67. A Plateau is the highest form of flattery.
  68. I have a twin brother; he's identical, but I'm not.
  69. Exageration is a billion times worse than understatement.
  70. Death to all fanatics!
  71. If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you (or, ...then you didn't do it right!)
  72. If you believe in telekenesis, raise my hands.
  73. An oral contract isn't worth the paper its written on. -- Sam Goldwyn
  74. Don't chew [or eat] with your mouth full.
  75. It's Deja Vu all over again.
  76. If we do not succeed, we run the risk of failure.
  77. I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous!
  78. I always wanted to be a procrastinator!
  79. Rehab is for quitters!
  80. To understand recursion, you must first understand recursion.
  81. If you want people to know where you stand, wear the same socks for two weeks.
  82. The shortest distance between two points is how far apart they are.
  83. Don't be redundant by repeating yourself.
  84. Grammar has gots to be one of the most importantest things ever?
  85. Some people type so fast that forget to include
  86. When all is said and done, much more is said than done
  87. My identity lies in not knowing who I am
  88. I am becoming increasingly worried that there isn't enough anxiety in my life
  89. I have this nagging fear that everyone is out to make me paranoid
  90. Free advice is worth what you paid for it
  91. I can't define irony;but, I know it when I see it
  92. I keep telling myself that I am a pathological liar, but I am not sure if I believe it
  93. Not only am I redundant and superfluous, but I also tend to use more words than necessary
  94. There are only three kinds of people; people who can count and people who can't
  95. "No, officer. I do not wish to give up my right to remain silent!!??"
  96. Reality is a big, nasty, vicious dragon, but I don't believe in dragons.


Return to the main menu of jokes on this site