April 23, 2007

THE INCREDIBLE JOURNEY

Ted Haggard has been called home. For the modern disgraced evangelist, that means Phoenix.

Last year's memorable allegations of drug use and sex with a male prostitute led Haggard to this exodus from Colorado to Arizona. I'm confident he parted no waters on the way, unless you count slicing through a puddle in his car.

He left behind New Life Church, the 14,000-member Colorado Springs megachurch he founded and directed. It was a condition of his severance package from the Church, reported The Associated Press, that he depart Colorado Springs.

So he and his wife and children have left New Life for a new life. After all the shock and upset of the scandal, the locals weren't wailing with grief. “When he moved out of town today, there was a kind of relief on the part of the church that life can get back to normal,“ said the Rev. H.B. London.

You know what normal is: a lead minister who will condemn homosexuals, not sleep with them.

London is a member of Haggard's “restoration“ team, three ministers charged with the job of getting Haggard back on the straight and narrow. I'd guess to accomplish that for real, Haggard doesn't need three wise men—he needs three miracle-workers.

In February, after three weeks of intensive therapy, Haggard declared himself totally heterosexual. I believe that like I believe intelligent design.

And it's certainly scary that Haggard's career plan is to get a graduate degree in counseling in the Phoenix area. Imagine him holding forth to some poor confused soul: “Hey, I got straight in three weeks, so you should be able to do it in three days!“

Another part of Haggard's strategy for his new life is to attend Phoenix First Assembly of God, a Pentecostal church led by the Rev. Tommy Barnett, also a member of Haggard's restoration trinity.

Until the scandal broke, Haggard was the president of the National Association of Evangelicals. He participated in White House conference calls. London noted of him, “Once you were in charge of a megachurch and a mega-staff and making mega-decisions, now your main decision is where you're going to school, where to eat and what you're going to do on your day off.“

This is a sensible insight from London regarding Haggard's becoming just another face in the crowd, another butt in the pew. Not only has Ted Haggard set himself the task of fighting off his true nature, but he must also cope with his own personal power outage.

Barnett specializes in returning lost sheep to the fold. Televangelist Jim Bakker—he of Praise-The-Lord-and-pass-Jessica-Hahn infamy—headed to Barnett's church after his prison stint for defrauding supporters. The church must've helped Bakker, for he eventually got back on TV, proving God does indeed work in mysterious ways.

Phoenix does have one significant thing to recommend it—its name. When an evangelist's career is in ruins, where better to start again than a city whose name promises rising from the ashes?

As part of his resurrection, Haggard will receive counseling, which will include exploring his sexuality. I wonder if Bakker was put through this. After all, in addition to his less than Christian treatment of Hahn, rumors of bisexuality floated around him like pollen.

In the case of Haggard, only time will tell whether he'll be fully rehabilitated. Well, time, and assorted Phoenix callboys, some of whom will surely kiss and tell. They may even be on the lookout for him.

Meanwhile, back in Colorado Springs, New Life Church hopes to recover from the Haggard ordeal. Attendance has dropped 20 percent and giving is down 10 percent, so the church laid off 44 employees. No word on whether Haggard's severance money could've paid their wages.

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