I keep a folder of the really funny email jokes I receive, and I even write some myself if I see a need. Hollywood does an extremely bad job at realism when it comes to aviation in movies, so I've written some doozies. Hope you enjoy.


Index:

A Message From Rural America
Norm Peterson quotes
Beer
Your daily moment of Zen
Y-to-K Date Change Project
Money
Top Ten Things I Learned from "Top Gun"
U.S. Air Force Sqawks
GirlFriend 1.0
Goodtimes Email Virus


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A MESSAGE FROM RURAL AMERICA

For Visitors:

Because of misunderstandings that frequently develop when North
Easterners and Californians cross states such as Georgia, North & South
Carolina, Ohio, Michigan, Mississippi, Alabama, Indiana, Tennessee,
Texas, Wisconsin, Nebraska, Kansas, Iowa, Missouri, Kentucky, Minnesota,
North Dakota & South Dakota; those states' Tourism Councils have adopted
a set of information guidelines. In an effort to help outsiders
understand the Midwest, the following list will be handed to each driver
entering the state:

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1. That farm boy standing next to the feed bin did more work before
breakfast than you do all week at the gym.

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2. It's called a 'gravel road.' No matter how slow you drive,
you're going to get dust on your Navigator. I have a four wheel drive
because I need it. Drive it or get it out of the way.

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3. We all started hunting and fishing when we were seven years old.
Yeah, we saw Bambi. We got over it.

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4. Any references to "corn fed" when talking about our women will
get your butt whipped... by our women.

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5. Go ahead and bring your $600 Orvis Fly Rod. Don't cry to us if a
flathead catfish breaks it off at the handle. We have a name for those
little trout you fish for bait.

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6. Pull your pants up and turn your hat around. You look like an idiot.

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7. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of mallards are making
their final approach, we will shoot it. You might hope you don't have it
up to your ear at the time.

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8. That's right. Whiskey is only two bucks. We can buy a fifth for
what you paid in the airport for one drink.

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9. No, there's no "Vegetarian Special" on the menu. Order steak.
Order it rare. Or, you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the two
pounds of ham and turkey.

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10. You bring Coke into my house, it better be brown, wet, and
served over ice.

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11. So you have a sixty-thousand dollar car you drive on weekends.
We're real impressed. We have quarter of a million dollar combines that
we use two weeks a year.

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12. Let's get this straight. We have one stoplight in town. We stop
when it's red. We may even stop when it's yellow.

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13. Our women hunt, fish, and drive trucks--because they want to.
So, you're a feminist, Isn't that cute.

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14. Yeah, we eat catfish. Carp, too--and turtle. You really want
sushi and caviar? It's available at the bait shop.

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15. They are pigs. That's what they smell like. Get over it. Don't
like it? Interstates 20, 40, & 80 go two ways - Interstates 55 & 75 go
the other two. Pick one and use it accordingly.

****************************************************************************

16. The "Opener" refers to the first day of deer season. It's a
religious holiday. You can get breakfast at the church.

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17. So every person in every pickup waves. It's called being
friendly. Understand the concept?

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18. Yeah, we have golf courses. Don't hit in the water hazard. It
spooks the fish.

****************************************************************************

19. That Highway Patrol Officer that just pulled you over for
driving like an idiot...his name is "Sir", no matter how old he is.

****************************************************************************

Now, enjoy your visit.

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Subject: The Best Norm Peterson quotes from "Cheers"!


"What's shaking Norm?"
"All four cheeks & a couple of chins."

"What's new Normie?"
"Terrorists, Sam. They've taken over my stomach & they're demanding beer."

"What'd you like Normie?"
"A reason to live. Give me another beer."

"What'll you have Normie?"
"Well, I'm in a gambling mood Sammy. I'll take a glass of whatever comes out of the tap."
"Looks like beer, Norm."
"Call me Mister Lucky."

"Hey Norm, how's the world been treating you?"
"Like a baby treats a diaper."

"What's the story Mr. Peterson?"
"The Bobbsey twins go to the brewery. Let's cut to the happy ending."

"Hey Mr. Peterson, there's a cold one waiting for you."
"I know, if she calls, I'm not here."

"Beer, Norm?"
"Have I gotten that predictable? Good."

"What's going on Mr. Peterson?"
"A flashing sign in my gut that says, 'Insert beer here.'"

"Whatcha up to Norm?"
"My ideal weight if I were eleven feet tall."

"How's it going Mr. Peterson?"
"Poor."
"I'm sorry to hear that."
"No, I mean pour."

"How's life treating you Norm?"
"Like it caught me sleeping with its wife."

"Women. Can't live with 'em....pass the beer nuts."

"What's going down, Normie?"
"My butt cheeks on that bar stool."

"Pour you a beer, Mr. Peterson?"
"Alright, but stop me at one....make that one-thirty."

"How's it going Mr. Peterson?"
"It's a dog eat dog world, Woody & I'm wearing Milk Bone underwear."

"What's the story Norm?"
"Boy meets beer. Boy drinks beer. Boy meets another beer."

"What's going on Mr. Peterson?"
"The question is what's going IN Mr. Peterson? A beer please, Woody."

"Can I pour you a beer Mr. Peterson?"
"A little early isn't it, Woody?"
"For a beer?"
"No, for stupid questions."

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Subject: Beer

Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink, I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I did not drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."
- Jack Handy

I feel sorry for people who do not drink. When they wake up in the morning that is as good as they are going to feel all day.
- Frank Sinatra

Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time.
- Catherine Zandonella

Reality is an illusion that occurs due to lack of alcohol.
- Anonymous

Drinking provides a beautiful excuse to pursue the one activity that truly gives me pleasure, hooking up with fat, hairy girls.
- Bob Donnelly

A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her.
- W.C. Fields

What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch?
- W.C. Fields

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
- Henny Youngman

Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so get wasted all of the time and have the time of your life.
- Michelle Mastrolacasa

24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not!
- Pepe Soto

When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. Sooooo, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!
- Brian O'Rourke

Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me.
- Winston Churchill

If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose.
- Jack Handy

Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.
- Dave Barry

Why is American beer served cold? So you can distinguish it from urine.
- David Moulton

Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world.
- Kaiser Wilhelm

Beer: Helping ugly people have sex since 1862!

Remember "I" before "E," except in Budweiser.

To some its a six-pack, to me it's a support Group.

Beer - Because one doesn't solve the world's problems over white wine.

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Subject: Your daily moment of zen

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do notwalk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either; just leave me the hell alone.

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.

3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper,that's the time to do it.

5. Don't be irreplaceable; if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

6. No one is listening until you make a mistake.

7. Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

8. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

9. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

10. It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.

11. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

12. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

13. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

14. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish,and he will sit in a boat & drink beer with his buddies all day.

15. If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

16. Don't squat with your spurs on.

17. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

18. If you drink, don't park; accidents cause people.

19. Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.

20. Don't worry, it only seems kinky the first time.

21. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

22. Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a raindance.

23. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

24. Duct tape is like the force; it has a light side & a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

25. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

26. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your mouth is moving.

27. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

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Y-to-K Date Change Project Status Report

Dear Sirs,

Our staff has completed the 18 months of work on time and on budget. We have gone through every line of code in every program in every system. We have analyzed all databases, all data files (including backups and historic archives) and modified all data to reflect the change. We are proud to report that we have completed the "Y-to-K" date change mission, and have now implemented all changes to all programs and all data to reflect your new standards:
Januark, Februark, March, April, Mak, June, Julk, August, September, October, November, December
As well as:
Sundak, Mondak, Tuesdak, Wednesdak, Thursdak, Fridak, Saturdak

I trust that this is satisfactory because, to be honest, none of this Y to K problem has made any sense to us. But I understand it is a global problem, and our team is glad to help in any way possible. Speaking of which, what do you think we ought to do next year when the two digit year rolls over from 99 to 00? We await your direction.

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MAKE $$$$ FAST!

Are you interested in making $$$$ fast? Here's an incredibly simple way to do it, and there is nothing to buy, no investment to make, no money to lose! Try it now!

Follow this simple procedure:

1) Hold down the shift key.

2) Hit the 4 key four times.


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SUBJECT: Top Ten Things I Learned from "Top Gun"

10) "Hitting the brakes" by pulling the throttle and sharply pulling up won't cause an accelerated stall in a swing - wing fighter.
9) "Hitting the brakes" will always fool veteran fighter jocks and allow you to close on his six and shoot him down.
8) Navy pilots always train ACM at 50 feet AGL and between rock upcroppings.
7) Rogue, renegade Navy pilots that "buzz the tower" regularly and cause the Air Boss to spill coffee on himself always get off with a slap on the wrist and a yelling at.
6) Flying through someone's wake will cause a compressor stall.
5) An engine out in a twin jet fighter will cause a flat spin, and cause one to "head out to sea".
4) Soviet Mig "29s" look just like F-5s, and are painted black.
3) Women love it when you show up at their house dripping with sweat.
2) The ejection system on the F-14 is designed so that when the ejection handle is pulled, the back seater will be shot up into the canopy (which hangs on a very long time, especially at higher speeds), thereby killing him.

...and the number one thing I learned from "Top Gun"...

In an emergency, it's always quicker to deploy Top Gun graduates from Mirimar than to send a ship that's already sailing, and may be in or near the threat area already.


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This one came from Chris, a Lt. in the Air Force:


SUBJECT: U.S. Air Force sqawks

Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by US Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews. "Squawks" are problem listings that pilots generally leave for maintenance crews.


Problem: "Left inside main tire almost needs replacement."
Solution: "Almost replaced left inside main tire."

Problem: "Test flight OK, except autoland very rough."
Solution: "Autoland not installed on this aircraft."

Problem #1: "#2 Propeller seeping prop fluid."
Solution #1: "#2 Propeller seepage normal."
Problem #2: "#1, #3, and #4 propellers lack normal seepage."

Problem: "The autopilot doesn't."
Signed off: "IT DOES NOW."

Problem: "Something loose in cockpit."
Solution: "Something tightened in cockpit."

Problem: "Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear."
Solution: "Evidence removed."

Problem: "Number three engine missing."
Solution: "Engine found on right wing after brief search."

Problem: "DME volume unbelievably loud."
Solution: "Volume set to more believable level."

Problem: Dead bugs on windshield.
Solution: Live bugs on order.

Problem: Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent.
Solution: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

Problem: IFF inoperative.
Solution: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.

Problem: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
Solution: That's what they're there for.


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Here's a good one from my buddy John, who's now engaged (har, har):


SUBJECT: GirlFriend 1.0

Last year, my friend upgraded his GirlFriend 3.1 to GirlFriendPlus 1.0 (marketing name: Fiancee 1.0). Recently he upgraded Fiancee 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and it's a memory hogger, it has taken all his space; and Wife 1.0 must be running before he can do anything. Although he did not ask for it, Wife 1.0 came with Plug-Ins such as MotherInLaw and BrotherInLaw.

Some features I'd like to see in the Upcoming GirlFriend 4.0...


I tried running GirlFriend 2.0 with GirlFriend 1.0 still installed, but they tried using the same i/o port and conflicted. Then I tried to unistall GirlFriend 1.0 but it didn't have an uninstall program. I tried to uninstall it by hand, but it put files in my system directory. Another problem with all versions of GirlFriend that I've used is that it is totally object oriented and only supports hardware with gold plated contacts.

******** BUG WARNING ********

Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Mistress 1.1 before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.1 will refuse to install, claiming insufficient resources.

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And for all those gullible enough to believe the "AOL4Free", "Goodtimes", etc "virus" scares:


SUBJECT: The Goodtimes Email Virus

Goodtimes will re-write your hard drive. Not only that, but it will scramble any disks that are even close to your computer. It will recalibrate your refrigerator's coolness setting so all your ice cream goes melty. It will demagnetize the strips on all your credit cards, screw up the tracking on your television and use subspace field harmonics to scratch any CD's you try to play.

It will give your ex-girlfriend your new phone number. It will mix Kool-aid into your fishtank. It will drink all your beer and leave its socks out on the coffee table when there's company coming over. It will put a dead kitten in the back pocket of your good suit pants and hide your car keys when you are late for work.

Goodtimes will make you fall in love with a penguin. It will give you nightmares about circus midgets. It will pour sugar in your gas tank and shave off both your eyebrows while dating your current boyfriend behind your back and billing the dinner and hotel room to your Visa card.

It will seduce your grandmother. It does not matter if she is dead, such is the power of Goodtimes, it reaches out beyond the grave to sully those things we hold most dear.

It moves your car randomly around parking lots so you can't find it. It will kick your dog. It will leave libidinous messages on your boss's voice mail in your voice! It is insidious and subtle. It is dangerous and terrifying to behold. It is also a rather interesting shade of mauve.

Goodtimes will give you Dutch Elm disease. It will leave the toilet seat up. It will make a batch of Methamphetamine in your bathtub and then leave bacon cooking on the stove while it goes out to chase gradeschoolers with your new snowblower.

These are just a few signs... Just be very careful!


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