Bert's been working late nights – guarding, as it turns out, a new species of grapefruit from suspected corporate espionage. As a result, he hasn't seen much of Agnes lately, and he misses her. After another lonely night on the job, he has an idea: why can't he and Agnes move in together? Enthusiastically he rushes to the office to ask her, but to his disappointment, she's not yet ready to make that leap.
It's at this point that the dream sequences begin – dream sequences which underscore Bert's feelings of disappointment and rejection. Agnes appears in Bert's apartment unexpectedly, announces to him that "you're not exactly a matinee idol, or a rugged man's man; let's face it Bert, you're not really the type of guy that gets the girl," and walks out on him abruptly. Frustrated, Bert turns to early morning television, where he watches an old, black-and-white silent movie entitled Prince of the Desert, in which a desert wanderer (who looks just like Agnes) is rescued from death by heat exhaustion by a desert nomad prince (who looks just like Bert). But once the prince confesses his love for the woman, she wants nothing to do with him. Distraught, the prince wanders out into a desert sandstorm with the words, "All that's left for me now is – OBLIVION!" And Bert agrees with him: "You and me both, pal."
That movie ends, and is followed by Casablanca. But in this version of that film, Bert is Rick, Agnes is Ilsa, and MacGillicuddy is Victor. Moonlighting has plenty of fun with that classic film, twisting and turning its most familiar scenes upside down:
Victor Laszlo is trying to escape using "frequent flyer coupons" instead of letters of transit
Laszlo is described as being superhumanly heroic, so much so that when he arrives in the café, the customers spontaneously stand to face him and begin singing "La Marseillaise"
The song that Bert told Sam never to play is "Chopsticks" rather than "As Time Goes By." "Chopsticks" is used as a musical motif throughout the rest of the episode, in the same way that "As Time Goes By" is used as incidental music in Casablanca.
As Agnes and Victor leave the café, Sam says, "Of all the gin joints in all the towns in all the world, she walks into yours." Bert looks at him indignantly and insists, "Hey! I'm supposed to say that!" "Oh, sorry," Sam replies. And Bert responds, "Sorry?!! It's only the best line in the script! How many times do you get a chance to say a line like that??"
At the famous concluding airport scene, instead of Bert sending Agnes away with Victor against her will, of course she's leaving with Victor – "Why would I go anywhere else?" When Bert realizes that she doesn't have any interest in staying with him he pleads with her to stay, and clings onto her ankle as she walks away from him toward the plane.
As the movie ends, Agnes leaves Bert, saying emphatically, "The answer is NO! And it would be best for everyone if you would just let go of my ankle and accept it!"
Distressed over these images, Bert returns to the office where, (to abbreviate a little), Agnes happily agrees to move in with him, they confess their love for one another, he sweeps her off her feet with a passionate kiss, the color fades to black-and-white … and "Chopsticks" plays in the background.
Guest Starring:
Co-Starring:
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Date of last change: 16 December 2000
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