Fatties eat Disneyland!

Dad's frown notwithstanding, the Fatty family loves Disneyland.

So when Fatty turned 28, she did the entire family a favor and suggested a trip to the happieset damn place in the world. But Chuck E. Cheese is for kids, they tell me, so we went to Disneyland instead.

This foto is for Chris

You may shoot me now.

It was seriously the very best Disneyland trip ever. Liana and I started with an afternoon plane trip from Oakland to Burbank, where we were greeted by no one and ended up spending a pleasant two hours in a tacky airport cafe reading Disneyland and Sea World brochures. The magic had begun.

When Mom and Dad finally arrived at the airport, minus Shaemus because he would eat children at a place like Disneyland, we were much anticipating our first glimpse of the Matterhorn from the freeway. But as none of us had been to Disneyland in like five years, what we didn't realize is YOU CAN NO LONGER SEE THE MATTERHORN FROM THE FREEWAY.

That first Matterhorn sighting used to be the best part of the trip! OK, not the best, or even the second or third or 75th best part, but it was great, and now it's gone.

We got over it.

The Fatties stayed at the Disneyland Hotel, a first for all of us. Goofy was watching TV in the lobby. Literally, this teenager in a Goofy suit was watching like Degrassi Jr. High or something and barely even looked up when we walked in. He certainly didn't hug us, not even Liana, who's pretty hot. But maybe Goofy was a girl. We had no way of knowing.

Anyway, the hotel was amazing. Disneyland was everywhere. We could see the Matterhorn (finally, damnit) from our window, the bedspread had Sleeping Beauty's Castle on it, framed drawings of the Jungle Cruise were on the wall, there were Mickey lamps in the bathroom. We stole everything we could. I mean it. I have a Disney laundry bag in my car, Disney soap in the bathroom, Disney hand cream at work, Disney stationery on my desk and a Disney "do not disturb" sign hanging from the bathroom doorknob.


After rolling around naked on the Disneyland bedspreads, we hopped the Monorail just because we wanted the experience of riding it into the park _ another first for all of us. This probably sounds boring to anyone who doesn't understand Disneyland, but there was something godly about riding the Monorail into the park. It's like you're better than everyone else. You wouldn't understand because you're a lesser person than me.

So the Monorail was cool. I could tell a super long story now about how we sort of screwed up our two-day pass to Disneyland/Californialand (or whatever it's called), but it's probably not at all interesting. I know, when has that every stopped me from telling a really long story. Well screw you too.

It's a Disney page. Be happy and stop whining.

Did I mention that we ate a lot of crap at Disneyland? We did. But somehow we managed to avoid the giant pickles. In the next fotos the Fatties are eating the following Fats: popcorn in a giant tub that hangs around your neck; deep-fried hotdogs and cheese; deep-fried dough (English for churros); peanut brittle; and semi-frozen sugar.

Please note in the bottom fotos how many straws Liana is using, and how fascinated/scared she is by the straws. Thank you.

Foto by Liana
Foto by Liana

After all that eating we went on a bunch of rides.

First the good news. Californialand is fun. I don't care what you've heard, I actually cried during one of the rides. And yes, I was totally PMSing, but what does that have to do with anything?

Also, FastPass is awesome, and by awesome I mean totally sweet. If you do it right you will never have to wait in line for the cool Disneyland rides (except the Matterhorn, which just angers me now) for more than 15 minutes.

Now here's where you'll cry in pain for us. On the days we were there, Pinocchio's Daring Journey and Snow White's Scary Adventure were closed. Can you believe it? My family clearly is doomed. We have the worst luck ever. I want out. I'm disassociating myself from the Fatties. I'm tired of being treated like this.

Also closed were Space Mountain, Pirates of the Caribbean and Splash Mountain.

At least I can say Disneyland was very nice about it. When I called Disneyland (Yes, you can actually call Disneyland! Walt answers the phone! Or maybe it's just his head. Good enough, and very exciting.) the nice man on the phone sounded very distressed when he told me which rides were closed. I think he wanted to tell me to not bother showing up, but he's probably not allowed. How sweet.

Anyway, there were plenty of other riding options. We went on Thunder Mountain 249 times. Here are some fotos. Doesn't it look like Liana and Dad are deep in conversation in the middle of the ride? Liana was asking Dad whether she should go on the Pill. Mom took that picture. Yay Mom! Also note that Ronald Reagan (actually, it looks more like someone wearing a Reagan mask, but that's just as cool) was apparently sitting directly behind Mom and Dad and staring right at my camera. He signed my breast later on.

Foto by Mom

Here are some more fotos from rides. I'll let you figure out which ones.

Oh, two things. The boy peeking out of the top of the riverboat was cute. That's why his picture is here even though you can barely see him. And about the foto of the chick in line for the Matterhorn _ you can see that she's holding her "boyfriend's" hand but pulling away from him to look somewhere else. She totally dumped him that night. We saw it coming. That's the only reason her foto is here. Just thought you'd like to know.

By about 7 p.m. we were fed up with Disneyland so we went outside to the boardwalk area _ where the parking lot used to be (will someone please explain what the hell happened to the Disneyland I used to know?) _ and ate dinner and drank wine. A lot of wine. When we were sated and probably a bit drunk, we wandered pack into the park for the fireworks display. Liana and I cried several times and held our stuffed monkeys close.

As the smoke over the castle cleared we raced to Indianna Jones for one more ride and then split.

And the happiest day of my life was over. You'd think I'd be sad to know that my best days are behind me, but I'm not.

Here are some random fotos of Liana and a wooden Indian (Native American, whatever). Liana is a freak, but she's also fat. And beautiful. Everyone celebrate Liana now.


Wanna talk to a Fatty? Email fatty@fattyspage.com.

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