Fatty is old!

Foto by Kelly

A long long time ago Fatty had a birthday. She turned 23. She says that only because she once read in Cosmo that 23 is the ideal age for a woman. Fatty is actually 45, which makes Mommie 70. Happy birthday, Mom!

Anyway, as befits any 23rd birthday party, there were balloons and cake and funny hats and presents and a pinata. Except there weren't any balloons or hats, because my friends hate me, apparently. More on the presents and pinata later. First, a few of the guests.

Drinking was, as always, the first order of events. There are no fotos of the drinking events because Fatty the Fotographer (how is it that that's the first time I've ever used that phrase???) was too busy drinking.

On to the pinata.

First things first. Fatty and Liana bought the pinata on the day of the party for like $6 at Mi Tienda, around the corner from out apartment. I think perhaps they had never sold a pinata before, as there were plenty to choose from. We had a moment of panic when trying to decide between Batman and Spiderman. They were equally tacky and of the same poor quality. I'm not sure why Spiderman won. Batman had a cape, after all. I think we just pointed in the general direction of the dangling pinatas and the lady took one down. End of exciting story.

I shouldn't be allowed to have a Website.

We also bought a lot of very crappy Mexican candy. Nobody at the party ate any of it (except for the lime- and banana-flavored sugar that everybody was forced to at least taste), but Liana's coworkers finished off every piece of it at work the next week.

Enough jibber jabber. Here's Chris with our pinata contraption. Notice that neither Chris nor the pinata is wearing the alien mask in the foto below.

The pinata was hung from the end of a broomstick and we then took turns swinging at with a plastic rod. Until the rod snapped in half and flew violently across the room and into the kitchen, the result of a strike from super Liana (who once excelled at softball, remember).

We then switched to a much sturdier and far more dangerous hung of wood with a nail sticking out of one end. We all felt much safer.

Yes, all these fotos look exactly alike except for the people.

Foto by Kelly Foto by Shizu Foto by Kelly
Foto by Kelly
Foto by Kelly

Chris's shot was the one that killed Spiderman. I think I've always wanted to write that sentence.

Foto by Kelly

I swear to God we all became about 7 years old again when the candy spilled out of the pinata. Yes, it was disgusting candy. Yes, most of the wrappers were glued to the candy itself. Yes, the sugar actually smelled bad. But every one of us got down on our knees and crawled around the floor to pick up every last piece of it. And not because we're tidy people.

What is it about pinatas that make you want the candy more than anything else in the world? Check out Chris's greedy fingers in the foto below.

Foto by Shizu

Next came the gift exchange. There was one rule at Fatty's hatless birthday pinata party _ all gifts must cost less than $2. The guests behaved admirably. Among Fatty's $2 gifts: scary Barbie book; Hotwheels-sized Walgreens delivery truck; Jesus candle; a potato; two and a half bean burritos from Taco Bell. I've never been happier.

Fatty gave gifts to her guests, as well. Here they are enjoying their treats.

Foto by Kelly


Liana made a fabulous cake. Seriously. It was chocolate with like a chocolate truffle filling with strawberries and some sort of chocolate drizzle. And best of all, no one got sick! (Except for me and Chris, but that was only after we saw the foto of me feeding him.)

Foto by Kelly Foto by Kelly

Everyone got very tired very fast after the cake. I think it was the special viewing of The Money Pit that did them in. It was recorded in 1986 or so with all the commercials. It was wonderful. Look how much everyone's enjoying the movie. If you can't tell, they're all laughing their asses off. (OK, I agree, poor Shizu actually looks like she's in pain.)

The best entertainment of the night came after almost everyone was asleep. Ryan wrestled the pinata corpse. I'm not sure who won. Then he threw candy at me and Shizu and Liana and The Money Pit.

The Money Pit deserved better. The rest of us probably had it coming.

But it was all fun. No one was injured. (Except Spiderman. Poor Spiderman.)

Happy birthday, every last one of us.

(I really didn't mean for Liana and Ryan to look like they're in love or dating or something. I just wanted to end on a smiley happy note. Really. I promise.)

Wanna talk to a Fatty? Email fatty@fattyspage.com.

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