There's an old saying I made up:

You'll never see the light as long as the sun shines out of your ass (unless you use a mirror). 

If your going to pay the dues, you might as well attend the meetings. 

Karma is just cause and effect. 

Destiny is just 20/20 hindsight. 

If you try to violate the laws of physics, your either a fool or a genius.

The law of gravity can't be repealed. 

There's no complaint department in the black market. 

Some people need to stand on someone else's hands in order to feel a half an inch taller.

Except for food, shelter, clothing, transportation, education, health care, entertainment, communication and energy, money is useless.

Sexual fantasies are the poetry of the libido. 

50% of all people are below average. 

When you send a mediocre intellect to college, you expand the scope of their mediocrity. Before college: they can't balance their check book; after college: they're melting down nuclear reactors. 

To err is human, to forgive, humane.

But for the grace of random events go I.

A computer programmer's job description: Don't take shit from inanimate objects. 

Never act surprised that the software worked if the customer is watching. 

Coffee IS Artificial Intelligence. 

The opposite of user friendly is user hostile. 

Wise-cracks

Support our brave young hardware and software fighting in the Gulf. 

Don't bother to drive me crazy, I'm close enough to walk. 

These hands are insured for tens of dollars.

Taco Bell: If you put enough hot sauce on it, it tastes like Mexican food!

Taco Hell: where bad tacos go when they die. 

Tighter that a nun's butt on Sunday.

In L.A., there are 4 seasons: winter, spring, summer and fire.

Religion

Religion is socially acceptable superstition and / or  psychosis [take your pick]. 

Blasphemy is my hobby.

When the going gets tough, atheists without a philosophical foundation get religion. 

The French call them 'English kisses'.

I'm meticulous: I always dot my t's and cross my i's. 

I've made that mistake before: Done there, been that. 

Every silver lining has it's cloud. 

 I've got places to be, people to do and things to go. 

Don't make you hurt me.