The Signs of Abuse

The Behavioral Traits of an Abusive Person
and
The Signs of Abuse

This page was last updated on Sunday, September 20, 2009

Introduction - I have doubts that listing methods, often used to describe domestic violence and abuse, is a good way of addressing the issue. Such listings cannot convey the real experience and impact of an impossible situation. The impact of abuse varies considerably among individuals and dividing the methods into checklists and assigning impact scores to them accomplishes little, if anything.

Researchers and other professionals often dismiss the impact of threats and insults. Many attribute diarrhea, trembling, nausea and vomiting to other causes. Sometimes the anticipation of pain or anguish causes these reactions. That anticipation is a result of prior abuse.

How can anyone comprehend or convey the suffering brought on by not knowing when the next blow or quarrel will come? This uncertainty makes the body's muscles contract and increases adrenalin flow triggering panic attacks and producing other damaging effects in the body. There is no way that tables and statistics can grasp the personal degradation experienced by victims of abuse and violence.

Instead of debating and arguing over methods, so-called definitions, and statistics we should begin to discuss how to stop the violence and abuse. The first step is to remove the misandry and corruption from our courts and let the abusers know that their reign of terror and deceit has ended.

The Importance of Maintaining Property Records - One of the signs of abuse is the theft, concealment, or destruction of property. Regardless of the state of the marriage or relationship, maintain records of employment, bank accounts, rent and lease agreements, mortgages, property titles, and personal property. Make a photo and written inventory of all property. This inventory will be useful in matters not be to family abuse such as fire, theft, and natural disasters.

Each item should be characterized as the husband's separate property, or the wife's separate property, joint property, or marital property. Be sure to include the manufacturer's name, model number, and serial number. Each item's description should include the date of acquisition, value at the time of acquisition, or the appraised value, and how the item was acquired: gift, purchase, etc. Include sales slips and appraisal documents with the listings.

Make several copies (at least three) of the inventory and keep the listings at several different save locations. Some localities may offer confidential recording and storage services.

The Importance of Child Identification Cards - Each child must know how to protect their self and where can they go to safe place. Give each child a plastic laminated medical and identification card. The card should have the child's name, age, gender, address, the names of the child's siblings, the parent’s names, list the child's medical conditions, and who to call in an emergency. A recent photograph and fingerprint are also helpful. This service may be available in some localities.

US Mental health authorities recognize ten personality disorders with considerable overlap between them. Diagnosis is by the exclusion comparable disorders. Many feel that five of these disorders (Antisocial, Borderline, Narcissistic, Histrionic, and Paranoid) play a significant role in abusive relationships.

For an example, a common trait in narcissists is that they lie, take advantage of others to achieve their own end, and their public and private dispositions are very different. So some therapists might not recognize a narcissist. Narcissists rarely seek treatment. They believe that they are always right and so are extremely resistant to treatment. Persons with Narcissistic Personality Disorder can be very abusive and violent.

According to available literature, about 2 percent of the adult population, mostly young women, are affected by Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), a serious mental disorder. People with BPD have trouble controlling their emotions and have a high rate of self-inflicted injury. One can only wonder about the men arrested for domestic violence when, in fact, their spouse or companion acquired BPD.

Click here to link to the National Institute of Mental Health's paper on BPD.

Click here to see a paper on Personality Disorders.

**Dealing With Mental and Personality Disorders**
There are many factors that can affect behavior in men and women. These factors can range from allergies and other medical conditions to mental illnesses such as depression and schizophrenia. Most of us are not qualified to make a diagnosis due to lack of training and certification. However, nearly all us know abnormal or dangerous behavior when we see it in others. Every spouse has a duty to protect the other spouse who may have a mental or personality disorder. Many health insurance plans now provide coverage for treatment of these disorders. Each state has provisions regarding persons who are, or could be, a danger to their self or others. The California Welfare and Institutions Code 5201 states that "Any individual may apply to the person or agency designated by the county for a petition alleging that there is in the county a person who is, as a result of mental disorder a danger to others, or to himself, or is gravely disabled, and requesting that an evaluation of the person's condition be made." Use it at the first sign of abuse and a psychiatrist may be willing to help you. Note the use of the pejorative male pronoun 'himself' when the proper gender neutral term is 'their-self'. If the person or agency construes that the code only applies to a male who is a danger to himself or others and rejects the application, then the applicant has the option of filing a sworn affidavit with the public recorder.

Pay attention to that first sign. One of the first signs men notice is the sense of foreboding. However, other men report that the relationship with their spouse or partner was normal and uneventful until one day when she became arrogant, selfish, argumentative, and mean.

Some men have reported their spouse's or partner's behavior changed abruptly after the first incident of abusive behavior. Other men reported that the behavior of their spouse or partner gradually changed for the worse over time. Women have reported similar behaviors in male spouses and female partners.

The following table shows some of the behavioral traits of an abusive person. Most abusive individuals exhibit three or more of these behavioral traits and they are repetitive. My ex-wife exhibited 63 of the 72 behaviors in the table. All of the following behaviors, especially in combination with others in the table, are cause to end your relationship with your spouse or partner. Additional notes are indicated by a numeral in the upper left corner of some blocks. These are stated at the end of the table.

**Some Behavioral Traits of an Abusive Person**
abuses a child through deliberate neglect	(1) argues in front of a child	(1) uses a child as a human shield	throws things at a child
makes false child abuse charges	makes false partner abuse charges	falsely applies for a restraining order	forges or alters papers to deny another of property
feigns helplessness or illnesses	(2) false or self-inflicted injuries	(2) unsuccessful suicide attempts	(2) threatens suicide
engages in unlawful activity	(3) bruises easily	(4) abuses blood thinners	uses illegal substances
flirts seductively with others in public	adulterous or makes false accusations of adultery	sexual battery (groin attacks etc)	initiates unwanted sexual advances
constant nagging or yammering	repeated questioning	exaggerated sense of entitlement	exaggerated sense of self-importance
isolates you from family and friends	makes disparaging remarks about you	disparages your relatives	disparages your friends
tries to ruin your employment	prevents you from sleeping	causes you to be chronically late	repetitively calls you at your place of work
violates your privacy and meddles in your private matters	intercepts, steals, or opens your mail	withholds or hides your possessions or medications	steals or destroys your possessions
locks you out of your home	tracks your mileage, time, and money	steals from your private money and accounts	forges your signature
contrasting public and private behavior	kills or tortures pets	treats you as a slave	denies their own abusive behavior
coercion by threats or action	threatens to leave or orders you to leave	uses others to assault or batter you	threatens to call police if you do not obey
repeated attacks on your sense of worth	chronic rage or anger	stalking	pouts and sulks often and for long intervals with they don't get their way.
They are accomplished actors and actresses	seeks to control everything and everyone	engages in melodramatic behavior	chronic lying and guile
erratic mood swings	chronic binges on food	uses several names, ages, or birthdays	frequent and inappropriate displays of anger
causes physical and emotional battery	causes public humiliation	often threatens to get their own way	blames you for their behavior
makes public scenes	embarrassing public behavior	selfish and arrogant	(5) ascribes their own conduct, ideas and impulses to you
The "If I can't have you, no one will mentality."	treats others with contempt	hostility while in any form of transportation	lacks genuine remorse

Table Notes

1. The cardinal rule in adult relationships is: never argue in the presence of children. Abusive individuals are typically cowards who often initiate arguments and violence while using a child as a human shield.

Parents should present a united presence to their children. So, parents should agree, in advance, on matters involving their child's education and discipline. I do not believe that corporeal punishment is humane or effective, it is child abuse. Locking a child in a room or closet is also child abuse. Removing privileges is effective when a parent explains the reason for this action to the child.

Special Note: A child is a precious gift of life and this is why children deserve our abounding love and protection. By their inexperience, children are inquisitive and do make mistakes. This is a part of their maturation.

2. Report this immediately to mental health agencies and local officials. These behaviors may be a sign of a very serious mental or personality disorder. False or self-inflicted injuries are a common ploy in domestic violence and divorce proceedings.

3. Some persons bruise or bleed more easily than others. The cause of this phenomenon involves, genetics, gender, body build, age, and occupation. A classic hereditary condition is hemophilia that mostly affects males where the slightest bump or cut can lead to massive bruising or bleeding. Frail and older persons may exhibit this observable feature due to the thinness of their skin. There are other disorders that cause excessive bruising or bleeding. This why that those who exhibit these symptoms should see a physician.

4. Most pharmaceutical companies warn consumers about the possible side effects arising from the use of their product alone or in combination with other products. Abuse of analgesics and anti-inflammatories (aspirin, ibuprofen, acetaminophen), gastric acid reducers (cimetidine, ranitidine), ethanol, heroin, cocaine, and anticoagulants (coumadin, warfarin) can be the true cause of bruising or bleeding, especially in the context of domestic violence or divorce.

5. Projection is a well established psychological phenomena. It is the unconscious act of ascribing one's own acts, ideas, or impulses to others especially when they are undesirable or cause anxiety. Seek help when your partner exhibits this trait. The willful act of ascribing one's own behavior, ideas, or impulses to the other partner is a form of abuse and it is not projection.

We all experience a wide range of emotions but abusive women use their moods, impulses, fury, and assault to get their own way and control family members. These women revel in the unrest they create. Your sense of worth and of having rights and choices can become eroded by constant abuse. Remember that all forms of abuse, especially threats, are aimed at affecting the target's emotional state. Emotional abuse can be just as devastating as physical abuse.

Psychological Dependency - Many victims have become so conditioned to the tormenter's behavior and personality that they cannot function without the abusing party. Tormenters often engage in psychological warfare to confuse thinking and undermine the self-worth of their victims. They can force their victims to admit to something they did not do or did not happen. The effect is so profound, the victim comes to believe in the truth of their false admission and often experiences anguish and seeks the tormenter's forgiveness. Persons trapped in these relationships have become dependent upon the abuser and are unable to leave the abusive relationship. A classic example of this phenomena is depicted in the motion picture Gaslight.

The Stockholm Syndrome is a psychological condition where a person taken hostage becomes emotionally involved with the captors. Social scientists and other researchers discovered that this co-dependency can exist in other oppressive relationships such as spousal abuse. At some point, the victim becomes emotionally dependent upon the abuser and cannot see their self as an autonomous individual. Some victims leave an abusive relationship only to return because they cannot emotionally function without the abuser. This effect can be so enduring that some victims may become abusive and violent.

When a person chooses abuse or is violent toward their partner or spouse, the behavior often causes physical, sexual, or emotional damage. Many who have been exposed to abuse exhibit physical signs of stress and may have one or more anxiety disorders (such as panic attacks). Click here for another essay on these effects.

**Victims of Abuse and Violence**
can be afraid to tell anyone	can be ashamed that they failed as a person	can be concerned about further abuse or violence	have developed skin lesions
can experience panic attacks or symptoms of PTSD	can become dispirited and frustrated	can feel guilt about leaving their partner	can believe that they have done something to deserve it
can feel that no one will believe them	can feel sadness or depression	can feel humiliation or anger	are worried about the children if they leave
are worried about their financial security	worry about their home and belongings	can not live at home in peace	often have meals away from home
endure anxiety	endure depression	have distrust of others	sense emptiness
can have flashbacks	can exhibit intensified vigilance	can exhibit increased irritability	can develop insomnia (sleeplessness)
feel listless	can have loss of appetite	can have loss of sexual desire	can have many medical complaints
can have memory problems	can have nightmares	can have precognition (the perception of an event before it occurs)	can have pseudo (ghost) pains
can feel a sense of helplessness	can exhibit social withdrawal	can exhibit shakes or tremors	can exhibit an inability to concentrate
can have diarrhea	can have nausea and vomiting	can have an amplified startle response	can have amplified senses
can have unexplained weight gain or loss	can experience recurrent headaches	can become substance dependent	can resent those who have harmed them (7)

Table Notes

1. These are symptoms of torture.

2. Many abusers batter their partner while they are sleeping or otherwise helpless.

3. Many abusers attempt to destroy their target's sense of self-worth.

4. Emotional attacks and attacks on others are just as destructive as physical personal attacks.

5. Substance abuse is not uncommon and should be viewed as a result of continued battery or abuse.

6. These are natural and common feelings and responses that people experience in violent or impossible relationships.

7. According to many Federally funded women's shelter advocates, a woman's aberrant behavior is always the man's fault. Keep in mind that the uncorroborated word of a female is sufficient information for arrest. If you decide to leave the scene of her abuse, you could be charged with fleeing the scene of a crime and if you took the children with you, you could be charged with parental kidnapping. Discuss these concerns with your attorney and ask that attorney to draw up papers that protects you from wrongful arrest.

Information on Depression from the National Institute of Mental Health.
http://www.nimh.nih.gov/publicat/depression.cfm

Information on Post Traumatic Stress Disorder from the National Institute of Mental Health.
http://www.nimh.nih.gov/medlineplus/posttraumaticstressdisorder.html

Advice

Do not consult with a marriage or family counselor, especially one who is recommended by your spouse or partner. There have been many instances where these marriage mills have repeat business with the same person but with another partner.
See a psychiatrist to document the abuse and get help. Victims of abuse often suffer from depression, post traumatic stress disorder, and panic attacks.
Have separate physicians. Many professionals cannot maintain their objectivity when they suspect that one spouse is abusing the other.
Ask your physician to document your injuries and how you got them.
Purchase or rent a miniature audio or video tape recorder and secretly record her outbursts.
Never discuss the abuse with mutual friends. Some people cannot keep a secret.
Confide in trustworthy separate friends about the abuse.
Consult an attorney about your rights. Spouses should not use the same attorney.
Have an attorney or paralegal prepare an application for a restraining or protective order so that you can use it at a moment's notice. Remember that these orders are valid for a limited time.
Keep in mind that the uncorroborated complaint of a female is sufficient grounds for arrest. The double standard is that if a woman leaves, she is treated as a victim.
When a man leaves, regardless of the circumstances, the authorities can charge him with flight from the scene of a crime. If a woman takes her children with her to a shelter, she is regarded as the protective parent. Fathers who take their children with them can be charged with parental kidnapping. Discuss these concerns with your attorney with the purpose of producing a legal paper that protects you from wrongful arrest.

Become involved in social activities so you are not isolated. Join a bowling or pool league or play golf.
Rent a post box at a private facility for your private personal use.
Get rid of joint credit or debit cards. Use separate personal credit or debit cards.
Save some emergency money for yourself.
Open a bank account in your own name at a different bank from that of your partner. Tell the bank to use your private postal address on all materials.
Abusive women often steal or destroy their partner's possessions. Make a photo and written inventory of all property. Be sure to include the manufacturer's name, model number, and serial number. Each item should be described as husband or wife's separate property, joint property, or marital property. The item's description should also include the date of acquisition, value at the time of acquisition, or the appraised value, and how the item was acquired: gift, purchase, etc.
Protect the keys and the access codes to your relative's property so that your spouse or partner cannot use or duplicate them. This advice applies equally to your employer's and your friend's property. Always return the keys at completion of employment or when your friend returns from their trip or when there is no necessity to retain them.
Keep extra money, keys, clothes, keys, copies of documents (e.g. bank accounts, marriage license, driver's license, birth certificates and health cards, immigration and citizenship papers, passports, etc.), important phone numbers, things for the children, etc. at a safe location. Try to avoid public storage as it might not be readily available when you need it.
Plan for an emergency get away. You may need transportation and have to rely on a trusted friend or relative.
Children need to know how to protect themselves and where can they go to safe place. Give them a plastic laminated medical and identification card. The card should have child's name, age, gender, address, the names of the child's siblings, your name, and list any medical conditions. A recent photograph is also helpful. This service may be available in some localities.
Give each child a cue card telling them to call 911 in an emergency. The card should include the child's name, address, and telephone number.

Include a marital termination clause in any prenuptial or postnuptial agreement. That clause should contain a statement to this effect:
"Battery, murder, adultery, lying, threats, extortion and other forms of maltreatment are vices that are not a part of a marriage and such offense is sufficient to terminate our union without redress. The parties agree that this clause is not meant to bring destitution or pain to the innocent."

End the relationship now. Avoid mediation and arbitration. Nearly always, court appointed evaluators extensively quote the wife's version of the marital relationship and ignore the husband. This gives her another opportunity to abuse you and the children.

Edward S. Nunes

To view or print the table on the traits of an abusive person please click here. Clicking on the BACK button or BACK arrow should take your web browser back to this page. To view or print the table about what a victim of abuse might suffer, please click here. Clicking on the BACK button or BACK arrow should take your web browser back to this page.

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