Advice for Abused Men and
Women
This page was last updated on
Saturday March 13, 2004
- Do not consult with a marriage or family counselor,
especially one who is recommended by your spouse or partner. There have
been many instances where these marriage mills have repeat business with the
same person but with another partner.
- See a psychiatrist to
document the abuse and get help. Victims of abuse often suffer from depression, post
traumatic stress disorder, and panic attacks.
- Have separate physicians. Many
professionals cannot maintain their objectivity when they suspect that one
spouse is abusing the other.
- Ask your physician to document your injuries
and how you got them.
- Purchase or rent a miniature audio or video
tape recorder and secretly record abusive conduct.
- Never discuss the abuse with mutual friends.
Some people cannot keep a secret.
- Confide in trustworthy separate friends
about the abuse.
- Consult an attorney about your rights.
Spouses should not use the same attorney.
- Have an attorney or paralegal prepare an
application for a restraining or protective order so that you can use it at a
moment's notice. Remember that these orders are valid for a limited
time.
- Keep in mind that the uncorroborated
complaint of
a female is sufficient grounds for arrest.
The double standard is that if a woman leaves, she is treated as a victim.
When a man leaves, regardless of the circumstances, the authorities can charge
him with flight from the scene of a crime. If a woman takes her
children with her to a shelter, she is regarded as the protective parent.
Fathers who take their children with them can be charged with parental
kidnapping. Discuss these concerns with your attorney with the purpose
of producing a legal paper that protects you from wrongful arrest.
- Become involved in social activities so you are not isolated.
Join a bowling or pool league.
- Rent a post box at a private facility for your private
personal use.
- Get rid of joint credit or debit cards. Use separate
personal credit or debit cards.
- Save some emergency money for yourself.
- Open a bank account in your own name at a different bank from that of your
partner. Tell the bank to use your private postal address on all materials.
- Abusive persons often steal or destroy their partner's
possessions. Make a photo and written inventory of all property.
Include the manufacturer's name, model number, and serial number.
Each item should be described as the husband's or wife's separate property, joint
property, or marital property. The description of the item must
include the date of acquisition, value at the time of acquisition, or the
appraised value, and how the item was acquired (by inheritance, gift,
purchase, or by other means).
- Protect the keys and the access codes to your
relative's property so that your spouse or partner cannot use or duplicate
them. This advice applies equally to your employer's and your friend's
property. Always return the keys at completion of employment or when
your friend returns from their trip or when there is no necessity to retain
them.
- Keep extra money, keys, clothes, keys, copies of documents (e.g. bank accounts, marriage
license, driver's license, birth certificates and health cards,
immigration and citizenship papers, passports, etc.), important phone numbers, things for
the children, etc. at a safe location. Try to avoid public storage as it
might not be readily available when you need it.
- Plan for an emergency get away. You may need
transportation and have to rely on a trusted friend or relative.
- Children must know how to protect themselves and
where they can go to safe place. Give them a plastic laminated medical
and identification card. The card should have child's name, age, gender,
address, the names of the child's siblings, your name, your spouse's name, and list any medical
conditions. A recent photograph is also helpful. This service may be
available in some localities.
- Give each child a cue card telling them to call 911 in
an emergency. The card should include the child's name, address,
telephone number, physician, current medications, allergies, and the name and
location of a trusted person to contact in the event
of an emergency.
- End the relationship and, when appropriate, sue for
divorce.
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