Advice for Abused Men and Women
 

This page was last updated on Sunday September 27, 2009

• Do not consult with a marriage or family counselor, especially one who is recommended by your spouse or partner. There have been many instances where these marriage mills have repeat business with the same person but with another partner.
   
• See a psychologist or a psychiatrist to document the abuse and get help. Victims of abuse often suffer from depression, post traumatic stress disorder, and panic attacks.
   
• Have separate physicians. Many professionals cannot maintain their objectivity when they suspect that one spouse is abusing the other. Sometimes their own experiences can cloud their judgment.
   
• Some physicians have the capability to collect Touch DNA and Splatter Back DNA samples. Ask your physician to photograph and document your injuries. The collection of evidence requirements may vary in some jurisdictions.
   
• Purchase or rent a miniature audio or video tape recorder and secretly record abusive conduct.
   
• Never discuss the abuse with mutual friends. Some people cannot keep a secret.
   
• You may want to confide in separate trustworthy friends about the abuse.
   
• Consult an attorney about your rights. Spouses or other opposing litigants should not use the same attorney.
   
• Have an attorney or paralegal prepare an application for a protective order so that you can use it at a moment's notice. Remember that these orders are valid for a limited time.
   
• Keep in mind that the uncorroborated complaint of a female is sufficient grounds for arrest. The double standard is that if a woman leaves, she is treated as a victim. When a man leaves, despite the circumstances, the authorities can charge him with flight from the scene of a crime.
   
• If a woman takes her children with her to a shelter, she is regarded as the protective parent.
   
• Fathers who take their children with them can be charged with parental kidnapping. Discuss these concerns with your attorney with the purpose of producing a legal paper that protects you from wrongful arrest.
   
• Become involved in social activities so you are not isolated. Think about joining a bowling league or a pool league.
   
• Rent a post box at a private facility for your private personal use.
   
• Get rid of joint credit accounts or debit cards and use separate personal credit accounts or debit cards.
   
• Set aside some emergency money for yourself because you are going to need it. No one can predict the future with certainty.
   
• Open a bank account in your own name at a different bank from that of your partner. Tell the bank to use your private postal address in all materials.
   
• Abusive persons often steal or destroy their partner's possessions. Make a photo and written inventory of all property. Include the manufacturer's name, model number, and serial number. Each item should be described as the husband's separate property, the wife's separate property, joint property, or marital property. The description of the item must include the date of acquisition, value at the time of acquisition, or the appraised value, and how the item was acquired. This can be by inheritance, gift, purchase, or by other means.
   
• Protect the keys and the entry codes to your relative's property so that your spouse or partner cannot use or duplicate them. This advice applies equally to your employer's and your friend's property. Always return the keys at completion of employment or when your friend returns from their trip or when there is no necessity to retain them.
   
• Keep extra money, keys, clothes, keys, copies of documents in a safe place. These documents include bank accounts, marriage license, drivers’ license, birth certificates and health cards, immigration and citizenship papers, passports, and other important information in a save location. Try to avoid public storage as it might not be readily available when you need it.
   
• Plan for emergencies and you may need transportation or have to rely on a trusted friend or relative.
   
• Children must know how to protect themselves and where they can go to safe place. Give them a plastic laminated medical and identification card. The card should have children’s name, age, gender, address, the names of the child's siblings, your name, your spouse's name, and list any medical conditions. A recent photograph is also helpful. This service may be available in some localities.
   
• Give each child a cue card telling them to call 911 in an emergency. The card should include the child's name, address, telephone number, physician, current medications, allergies, and the name and location of a trusted person to contact in case of an emergency.
   
• End the relationship and, when appropriate, sue for divorce.  This wording might appear strange but I am thinking about relationships that are not marital relationships.

Edward Steven Nunes
 

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