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The Loan Arranger...

by Captain Nemo

Once upon a time, there was a fellow in Texas called the Loan Arranger. He had a chicano friend with a long name, so he called him "Tonto" because he had trouble with long names.

The Loan Arranger was not originally from Texas, but he met a band of commancheros called "corporate raiders" that needed his help arranging loans from his father to buy up compaines and sell off the stock, and divide up the profits with their friends, and fire the employees. The more of this they did, the more they liked it.

The corporate raiders found a company called the US Government that had unfair business practices. This company wanted special treatment and had some outstanding debts, but recently had been taking in much more than it owed on a monthly basis.

One day one of the nice fellows in the corporate raiders camp came by to see the Loan Arranger, and told him of a new idea to get control of this big "US" company. They would have to work on a thing called an "election". The Loan arranger said, "But what if we don't get enough votes?". The nice fellow said that the Halliburton Company would give him 27 million dollars to help fix the election, and that the Loan Arranger's father had some friends on the Supreme Court, and his brother "Jeb" could recuse himself in Florida, and turn his office into a headquarters for the "cause".

"What cause is that?", said The Loan Arranger. "The Old South" the corporate raider said. Some of us are still mad about the Civil War, and we plane to start up "the War Between the States" again, and we have found a way to make California pay for its support of the North many years ago.

"Can Tonto go with me?", The Loan Arranger said.

"We can make him the director of the Peace Corps." the nice fellow said.

Then they started to give away all of the profits the evil company had ammassed, and sell off the assets, and lay off the employees.

Cheny explained, "That is what corporate raiders do. Tonto, hand me my golf clubs, time for another vacation."

Update, 6-30-2002,

Many of the culprits have already found sanctuary in the Bush administration and are refusing to co-operate with Congressional investigations.

White, the head of the Army, set up the 300 fake companies in the Cayman Islands.

Anonymous report from the field:

REMAINING U.S. CEOs MAKE A BREAK FOR IT Band of Roving Chief Executives Spotted Miles from Mexican Border

El Paso, Texas (24 June 20001) - Unwilling to wait for their eventual indictments, the Republican CEOs of certain U.S. companies made a break for it yesterday, heading for the Mexican border, plundering towns and villages along the way, and writing the entire rampage off as a marketing expense.

"They came into my home, made me pay for my own TV, then double-bookedthe revenues," said Rachel Sanchez of Las Cruces, just north of El Paso.

"Right in front of my daughters."

Calling themselves the CEOnistas, the chief executives were first spotted last night along the Rio Grande River near Quemado, where they bought each of the town's 320 residents by borrowing against pension fund gains.

By late this morning, the CEOnistas had arbitrarily inflated Quemado's population to 960, and declared a 200 percent profit for the fiscal second quarter. This morning, the outlaws bought the city of Waco, transferred its underperforming areas to a private partnership, and sent a bill to California for $4.5 billion.

Law enforcement officials and disgruntled shareholders riding posse were noticeably frustrated.

"First of all, they're very hard to find because they always stand behind their numbers, and the numbers keep shifting," said posse spokesman Dean Levitt.

"And every time we yell 'Stop in the name of the shareholders!', they refer us to investor relations. I've been on the phone all damn morning."


The pursuers said they have had some success, however, by preying on a common executive weakness. "Last night we caught about 24 of them by disguising one of our female officers as a CNBC anchor," said U.S.Border Patrol spokesperson Janet Lewis. "It was like moths to a flame."

Also, teams of agents have been using high-powered listening devicesto scan the plains for telltale sounds of the CEOnistas.

"Most of the time we just hear leaves rustling or cattle flicking their tails," said Lewis,"but occasionally we'll pick up someone saying, 'I was totally out of the loop on that.'"

Among former and current CEOs apprehended with this method were Computer Associates' Sanjay Kumar, Adelphia's John Rigas, Enron's Ken Lay, Joseph Nacchio of Qwest, Joseph Berardino of Arthur Andersen, and every Global Crossing CEO since 1997. ImClone Systems'

Sam Waksal and Dennis Kozlowski of Tyco were not allowed to join the CEOnistas as they have already been indicted.

So far, about 50 chief executives have been captured, including Martha Stewart, who was detained south of El Paso where she had cut through abarbed-wire fence at the Zaragosa border crossing off Highway 375.

"She would have gotten away, but she was stopping motorists to ask for marzipan and food coloring so she could make edible snowman placesettings, using the cut pieces of wire for the arms," said Border Patrol officer Jennette Cushing.

"We put her in cell No. 7, because themorning sun really adds texture to the stucco walls.

"While some stragglers are believed to have successfully crossed into Mexico, Cushing said the bulk of the CEOnistas have holed themselvesup at the Alamo.

"No, not the fort, the car rental place at the airport," she said.

"They're rotating all the tires on the minivans and accounting for each change as a sale."

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