These jokes and quotes came to Maggie's Papa from dog lovers at Mitchell Park and elsewhere.
Dog Haiku
A DOGS NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS
DOG DEAD SEA SCROLLS
DOG FIGHT
THINGS WE CAN LEARN FROM A DOG
IF YOU CAN...
FAMOUS DOG QUOTES
DOG HYBRIDS
DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A DOG AND A PAINTER
THE DOG DICTIONARY
A dog's new year's resolutions
I will not eat the cats' food, before or after they eat it.
I am a dog, not a cow; grass is not food.
Even though I'm a springer, I will not spring through the open
car window and into the fast food restaurant, no matter how good it smells.
The computer's mouse is, unlike a real mouse, inedible.
I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of carpet in
the house when I am about to throw up.
I will not throw up in the car.
I will "scootch" my bottom along the grass to rid myself of hangers-on.
I will not steal used sanitary napkins from the bathroom garbage.
I will not roll in dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc.
I will not eat other animals' poop.
I will not lick my human's face after eating animal poop.
I will not roll my head around in other animals' poop.
I will not eat my own vomit.
"Kitty box crunchies" are not food.
I will not eat any more socks and then re-deposit them in the backyard after processing.
The diaper pail is not a cookie jar. I will not eat the disposable diapers, especially the dirty ones.
I will not wake Mommy up by sticking my cold, wet nose up her bottom end.
I will not chew my human's toothbrush and not tell them.
I will not chew crayons or pens, specially not the red ones, or my owner will think I am hemorrhaging.
When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolleddown when it's raining outside.
I will not drop soggy tennis balls in the underwear of someonewho is sitting on the toilet.
We do not have a doorbell. I will not bark each time I hear one on TV.
I will not walk under the big dog when he is peeing.
I will not bite my Daddy in the ass when he turns away just after scolding me.
I will not steal my Mom's underwear and dance all over the back yard with it.
The sofa is not a face towel. Neither are Mom & Dad's laps.
My head does not belong in the refrigerator.
I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for Mom's driver's license and car registration.
I will not play tug-o'-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.
I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm laying under the coffee table.
I will not roll my toys behind the fridge.
The garbage collector is NOT stealing our stuff.
I must shake the rainwater out of my fur BEFORE entering the house.
FROM A NEWLY DISOVERED SCROLL OF GENESIS And Adam said, "Lord, I am lonesome in the Garden, and it is difficult for me to remember how much you love me." And the Lord God said, "I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will know that I love you, even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish and childish and unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourself." And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam. And it was a good animal. And God was pleased. And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and he wagged his tail. And Adam said, "But Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Garden and all the good names are taken, and I cannot think of a name for this new animal." And God said, "Because I have created this animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name shall be a reflection of my own name, and you shall call him Dog." And Dog lived with Adam and was a companion to him and loved him. And Adam was comforted. And God was pleased. And Dog was content and wagged his tail. After a while, it came to pass that Adam's guardian angel came to the Lord God and said, "Lord, Adam has become filled with pride. He struts and preens like a peacock, and he believes he is worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught him that he is loved, but no one has taught him humility." And God said, "I will create for him another companion who will be with him forever and who will see him as he is. This companion will remind Adam of his limitations, so he will know that he is not worthy of adoration." And God created Cat to be a companion to Adam. And Cat would not obey Adam. And when Adam gazed into Cat's eyes, he was reminded that he was not the supreme being. And Adam learned humility. And God was pleased. And Adam was greatly improved. And Cat did not care one way or the other.
The Americans and Russians at the height of the arms race realized that if they continued in the usual manner they were going to blow up the whole world. One day they sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They would have five years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and which ever side's dog won would be entitled to dominate the world. The losing side would have to lay down its arms.
The Russians found the biggest meanest Doberman and Rottweiler females in the world and bred them with the biggest meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from each litter, killed his siblings, and gave him all the milk. They used steroids and trainers and after five years came up with the biggest meanest dog the world had ever seen. Its cage needed steel bars that were five inches thick and nobody could get near it.
When the day came for the dog fight, the Americans showed up with a strange animal. It was a nine foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for the Americans because they knew there was no way that this dog could possibly last ten seconds with the Russian dog. When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out of it's cage and slowly waddled over towards the Russian dog.
The Russian dog snarled and leaped out of it's cage and charged the American dachshund. But, when it got close enough to bite the Dachshund's neck, the Dachshund opened it's mouth and consumed the Russian dog in one bite. There was nothing left at all of the Russian dog. The Russians came up to the Americans shaking their heads in disbelief. "We don't understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for five years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler females in the world and the biggest meanest Siberian wolves." "That's nothing", an American replied. "We had our best plastic surgeons working for five years to make an alligator look like a Dachshund.
THINGS WE CAN LEARN FROM A DOG:
Never pass up an opportunity to go for a joy ride.
Allow the experience of fresh air & the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy.
When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.
When it is in your best interest, practice obedience.
Let others know when they have invaded your territory.
Take naps and stretch before rising.
Run, romp, and play daily.
Eat with gusto and enthusiasm.
Be loyal.
Never pretend to be something you are not.
If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.
When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently.
Thrive on attention and let people touch you.
Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.
On hot days, drink lots of water and lay under a shady tree.
When you are happy, dance around and wag your entire body.
No matter how often you are scolded, don't buy into the guilt thing and pout.
If you can start the day without caffeine,
If you can get going without pep pills,
If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,
If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,
If you can eat the same food everyday and be grateful for it,
If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time,
If you can overlook it when those you love take it out on you when,
through no fault of yours, something goes wrong,
If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,
If you can ignore a friend's limited education and never correct him,
If you can resist treating a rich friend better than a poor friend,
If you can face the world without lies and deceit,
If you can conquer tension without medical help,
If you can relax without liquor,
If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,
If you can say honestly that deep in your heart you have no prejudice
against creed, color, religion or politics,
Then, my friend, you are almost as good as your dog.
Famous Dog Quotes
"Whoever said you can't buy happiness forgot little puppies." Gene Hill
"Outside of a dog, a book is probably man's best friend, and inside of a dog, it's too dark to read." Groucho Marx.
"To his dog, every man is Napoleon; hence the constant popularity of dogs." Aldous Huxley
"Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that is how dogs spend their lives." Sue Murphy
"I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers." Unknown
"No animal should ever jump up on the dining room furniture unless absolutely certain that that he can hold his own in the conversation." Fran Lebowitz
"Scratch a dog and you'll find a permanent job." Franklin P. Jones
"Ever consider what they must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think we're the greatest hunters on earth!" AnneTyler
"I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult." Rita Rudner
"If dogs could talk it would take a lot of the fun out of owning one." Andy Rooney
"My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to 99 cents a can. That's almost $7.00 in dog money." Joe Weinstein
"If a dog will not come to you after having looked you in the face, you should go home and examine your conscience." Woodrow Wilson
"If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons." James Thurber
"You enter into a certain amount of madness when you marry a person with pets." Nora Ephron
"Rambunctious, rumbustious, delinquent dogs become angelic when sitting." Dr. Ian Dunbar
"Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful." Ann Landers
"Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea." Robert A. Heinlein
"In order to keep a true perspective of one's importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him." Dereke Bruce, Taipei, Taiwan
"There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face." Ben Williams
"Cat's Motto: No matter what you've done wrong, always try to make it look like the dog did it." Unknown
"Money will buy you a pretty good dog, but it won't buy the wag of his tail." Unknown
No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation as the dog does." Christopher Morley
"A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself." Josh Billings
"Man is a dog's idea of what God should be." Holbrook Jackson
"The average dog is a nicer person than the average person." Andrew A. Rooney
"He is your friend, your partner, your defender, your dog. You are his life, his love, his leader. He will be yours, faithful and true, to the last beat of his heart. You owe it to him to be worthy of such devotion" Unknown
"Heaven goes by favor. If it went by merit, you would stay out and your dog would go in." Mark Twain
"I care not for a man's religion whose dog and cat are not the better for it." Abraham Lincoln
"If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went." Unknown
"If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man." Mark Twain
"Things that upset a terrier may pass virtually unnoticed by a Great Dane." Smiley Blanton
"I've seen a look in dogs' eyes, a quickly vanishing look of amazed contempt, and I am convinced that basically dogs think humans are nuts." John Steinbeck
"My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin our carpets or ruin our lives." Rita Rudner
"Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole." Roger Caras
"A dog is a mans' best friend but they won't pick you up at the airport." Bobcat Goldthwaite
1. Collie+Lhasa Apso=Collapso, a dog that folds up for easy transport
2. Spitz+Chow Chow=Sptiz-Chow, a dog that throws up a lot
3. Bloodhound+Borzoi=Bloody Bore, a dog that's not much fun to have
around
4. Pointer+Setter=Poinsetter, the traditional Christmas pet
5. Kerry Blue Terrier+Skye Terrier=Blue Skye, a dog for visionaries
6. Great Pyrenees+Dachshund=Pyradachs, that puzzling breed
7. Pekingese+Lhasa Apso=Peekasso, an abstract dog
8. Irish Water Spaniel+English Springer Spaniel=Irish Springer, a dog
fresh and clean as a whistle
9. Labrador Retriever+Curly Coated Retriever=Lab Coat Retriever, the
choice of research scientists
10.Newfoundland+Basset Hound=Newfound Asset Hound, a great dog for
financial advisors
11.Terrier+Bulldog=Terribull, a dog that makes awful mistakes
12.Bloodhound+Laborador=Blabador, a dog that barks incessantly
13.Collie+Malamute=Commute, a dog travels to work
14.Deerhound+Terrier=Derriere, a dog that's true to the end
15.Bull Terrier+Shitzu=Bullshitz, a gregarious but unreliable breed.
AND FINALLY!
16.Malamute+Pointer=Moot Point, but does it really matter?
One can shed a coat and the other can coat a shed.
This pun from JAPE (joke analysis production engine), computer made jokes.
Time on your hands? Roll your own jokes.
The Dog Dictionary
LEASH: A strap which attaches to your collar,
enabling you to lead your person where you want
him/her to go.
DOG BED: any soft, clean surface, such as the
white bedspread in the guest room or the newly
upholstered couch in the living room.
DROOL: Is what you do when your persons have food
and you don't. To do this properly you must sit as
close as you can and look sad and let the drool
fall to the floor or better yet, on their laps.
SNIFF: A social custom to use when you greet other
dogs. Place your nose as close as you can to the
other dogs rear end and inhale deeply, repeat
several times, or until your person makes you
stop.
GARBAGE CAN: A container which your neighbors put
out once a week to test your ingenuity. You must
stand on your hind legs and try to push the lid
off with your nose. If you do it right you are
rewarded with margarine wrappers to shred, beef
bones to consume and moldy crusts of bread.
BICYCLES: Two-wheeled exercise machines, invented
for dogs to control body fat. To get maximum
aerobic benefit, you must hide behind a bush and
dash out, bark loudly and run alongside for a few
yards. The person then swerves and falls into the
bushes, and you prance away.
DEAFNESS: This is a malady which affects dogs when
their person wants them in and they want to stay
out. Symptoms include staring blankly at the
person, then running in the opposite direction, or
lying down.
THUNDER: This is a signal that the world is coming
to an end. Humans remain amazingly calm during
thunderstorms, so it is necessary to warn them of
the danger by trembling uncontrollably, panting,
rolling your eyes wildly, and following at their
heels.
WASTEBASKET: This is a dog toy filled with paper,
envelopes, and old candy wrappers. When you get
bored, turn over the basket and strew the papers
all over the house until your person comes home.
SOFAS: Are to dogs like napkins are to people.
After eating it is polite to run up and down the
front of the sofa to wipe your whiskers clean.
BATH: This is a process by which the humans drench
the floor, walls and themselves. You can help by
shaking vigorously and frequently.
LOVE: Is a feeling of intense affection, given
freely and without restriction. The best way you
can show your love is to wag your tail. If you're
lucky, a human will love you in return.