Time for just a quick update  - we've arrived safely and soundly after a very uneventful trip.  Omar did tremendously with the trip!  I was so impressed - with all the shuffling, crowds, confusion, etc, etc, he just followed along and enjoyed it the whole bit.  We had to wake him up upon arrival in Amman and I thought he'd be grumpy, but when I told him we had arrived in Jordan his face lit up and he gave me this great big smile. Then he immediately started asking where the camels were.

 

When we settled into the hotel, he was literally bouncing off the walls.  I was exhausted and just wanted to yell at him to stop, but when I thought about how good he was cramped into an airplane seat for 14 hours, I thought his need to let loose was probably well-founded.

 

Oddly enough, both of us woke up within minutes of each other this morning at our normal waking time - the clock said 6:45 AM, even though for our bodies its 7 hours earlier.  odd  Jet lag is hitting, I've got a massive headache so I downed some aspirin and have had 2 cups of coffee already (I rarely drink coffee!). 

 

I'm busy getting myself set up in my new office space.

I am exhausted!  There just seems way too much to do.  Especially when its things I don't really like to do - like clean house.

 

I spent a good part of the day hanging out with Malini and her 5 month old daughter, Diya.  That girl is a cutie, Diya that is!  She was being fussy and Malini was trying to breastfeed her. I told Malini, "These times pass so quickly!"  It's so hard to remember back to Omar at 5 months, probably because I was in a very sleep deprived state at that time, but still, it's sad how quickly it passes.

 

The phone was ringing off the hook today with everybody calling to say their final goodbyes.  Omar was quite worked up with excitement by bed time, he's obviously really excited about the trip even though I can't imagine he has any idea what's in store for him.

 

One of the phone calls was from my friend Carmen.  I had pretty much written her off as a friend since our relationship was starting to consist solely of her 5 minute messages on my answering machine updating me on her life before she was jet setting off to the next exotic overseas assignment.  Today, she left another 5 minute message on my answering machine, the jist of which was that she was between trips, and as she was packing up her desk to move onto her new job in Cairo, she came across a copy of my resume, and was remembering with much fondness how our relationship started.  She was my successor to the job I held in Yemen, and when she returned to the States from that job, we became quick friends once we discovered we had many common friends and enemies.  We've seen each other through a lot of life's high and lows the past few years, there were sometimes I felt like I only made it to the morning as a result of our midnight conversations.  So when she called tonight, I wasn't going to let her off the hook so easily!  Come to find out, her life has moved forward in dramatic fashion.  Foremost - she's going off to City Hall tomorrow with her boyfriend Klaus to tie the knot.  This is thrilling!  I am so happy for her - Klaus is very  high quality male material - she's done herself good!  Second, on Wednesday she's moving "permanently" to Cairo (she'll be working on gender issues and private sector development in the Middle East) and will be spending some time in Jordan this fall!  She didn't know yet about my plans to go to Jordan, but now we'll get to see each other there -Yipee!

 

I can not wait to get on the plane tomorrow!

Well, it's official, everything on my to-do list is done and checked off.  Now, I am busy trying to make the house look presentable for the 3 month house-guest.  I'm hoping he's not too picky since this place is in a perpetual state of mess.

 

I had to get my hair cut before I left.  I've gone to the same woman (Hannah) for 4 years now and I trust her completely with my hair. She's 38 years old, has a 6 year old son, and was diagnosed with breast cancer this year.  She has come through it tremendously well.  I missed her so much while she was out of work, I dreaded going in for haircuts because I always walked out of the shop looking like I stuck my finger in light socket.  More importantly, we always bonded over "what its like to have a son" stories. Anyway, about 3 months after she returned to work, she found out that her older sister was also diagnosed with cancer - lung cancer.  Well, I found out today that her sister passed away about 3 weeks ago and leaves behind 2 young boys (9 and 7).  I feel so bad for Hannah, she's really been through quite a year.  She made me promise that when I came back in December I would get my hair highlighted for the first time in my life.  We've been talking about this for years, but I like my natural hair color!

 

My former colleague, and friend, Delilah, called me today while I was taking one of my rare naps.  She had heard through the grapevine that I was going to Jordan and kept going on and on about what an exciting opportunity this was for me career-wise.  She knows all of the crazy actors from work, knows much of our team in the Middle East, and is Arab-American herself, so I always enjoy talking to her - she energizes me.  We worked together for months and barely spoke to each other, but used to laugh how anybody and anything with an Arab-sounding name got passed her way just because she was the only Arab on staff.  Then a year ago, we ended up on the same overseas flight to Barcelona and spent the entire time talking and haven't stopped since.

 

As I was cleaning and re-organizing the house today, I came across a lot of things that reminded me of "times gone by".  I don't think 2 years ago, a year ago,or even 6 months ago, I would have imagined embarking on this trip.  While it's only for 3 months and not a lifetime, it feels like this huge leap...a huge leap of faith. Faith that a lot of things will work out, and for most of the time, I'll manage to stay standing on my own two feet.  There was a time not too long ago that I could barely stand on my own two feet.  There may not be too many opportunities to do this kind of thing in my life, so I'm fully prepared to take advantage of this one!

I made it through the day- whew!  I feel good about where I'm at with everything.  I spent quite a bit of time today just getting familiar with all the things that are required for the audit.  There will be bumps in the road, but I'm starting to feel confident that I'll be able to handle them.

 

Several people commented today that I seemed "happy" to go, and I think I really feel that way and the nervousness is starting to wear off.  The reason this is I think is that I feel the support of so many people around me, and everybody is committed to making this work.  The thing is, I so enjoy field postings, and the last time I had field management responsibility (Guinea), it was stressful and miserable at times, but also a blast!  It just sort of hit me today though that I had always thought of stepping back into a field management role in a small program and building my way up.  It's just a little daunting that I'm doing it now on CHF's biggest and most important program.

 

I was supposed to attend an organization-wide regional conference in Beirut in September, but we've made a collective decision that its probably best if I don't go.  The audit really needs to be my priority and I want to commit to that first.

 

Kimberly keeps reminding me that I wouldn't be doing this if a lot of people didn't have a lot of confidence in me.  That's sometimes difficult to remember.  Before I left the office today, my supervisor (who has been a thorn in my side for 9 months!) handed me my annual review.  This was due to me 2 weeks ago, but the guy is the worst time manager in the world.  Anyhow, I'm reading his handwritten comments on the evaluation, most of which I think are really fair and representative of my work.  But I keep reading this comment that says "Questions Sr. Management".  It wasn't until he wrote it the third time that I became certain that he was using it in a negative connotation.  Why is questioining Senior management a negative thing?  I don't question their authority (they make the big money to make the big decisions), but I did "question" why they made certain decisions.  That is, I told them exactly on several occassions why I didn't agree with their decisions and why I was disappointed that they were made without my input and without what I believed were full consideration of the ramifications of the decisions.  I could go on and on about how stressful my life has been in the past 9 months because of working for this man, but he's not worth it.  As of September 6, he is no longer my supervisor!

 

I was quite sad when I picked up Omar from "school" at the end of the day, I'll miss it.    Even his teacher didn't want to let him go, and really seemed sad.  She just kept holding him on her lap and apologized for not getting his stuff together before I arrived because she told me she just wanted to keep playing with him before he left.  Ugh, it just broke my heart.  And the parents of one of his classmates stopped me this morning at drop off to tell me how much their daughter is going to miss Omar and they are really upset that we're leaving.  Omar apparently is quite protective of their daughter, who has had a difficult time adjusting to the seperation from her parents.  Omar's just really been thriving at this daycare the past few months, all the teachers and all the kids seem to really enjoy having him there.  As of this week, he is fully potty trained and I give a lot of credit to the daycare for that.  They are not going to be able to hold Omar's spot, but they promised to give us priority when we return in December and I've received lots of re-assurances that they'll do all they can to find space for him in the 3s class. I'm really hoping it works out.

 

The handyman was at the house tonight to put the finishing touches on a few of the small projects he did for me this week.  Omar cracked me up - as soon as the guy walks in the door, Omar doesn't miss a beat and starts talking up a storm to this guy.  I'm trying to get dinner ready, and I hear Omar in the basement saying, "Hey handyman, hey handyman, you made a mess, you got paint on your hands."  The guy was nice about it and even seemed to enjoy Omar's company, but I was a little embarrased.  I can't believe sometimes how gregarious and out-going Omar is to complete strangers, he has about 5 seconds of shyness and then its gone.  Oh well, I guess these are traits that will serve him well as an adult.

T minus 4 days?  My nerves are frazzled, I haven't felt this nervous about something in a long time.  It feels like I'm standing at the edge of the cliff about to jump off.

 

As soon as I walked in the door to work this morning, there was practically a line of people wanting something from me - too stressful.  We moved offices the day before I went on vacation, and suddenly my office is located at this busy intersection of offices, as opposed to this odd sort of tucked away, quiet office that I had.  I called our Iraq Field Office and was talking to them on the phone, with my door open, and somebody walked by, rolled their eyes, and closed my door.  Geeze, I'm used to screaming on the phone to people and nobody hearing me - lol! Guess those days are over.

 

Anyway, the high point of the day was that the ACSI Project Director (Kimberly) and her 8 month pregnant body came into the office.  It was wonderful to see her - I admire her so much, and did I mention, her due date is Omar's birthday (Oct. 2nd?!).  She's a sweetie - she let me know she left a box of linens, pots and pans and food for me so I don't have to worry about setting up house when I arrive.  That was so thoughtful.  Then she said, "Oh, I also left you a bottle of wine, because you're really going to need it to help you unwind after you deal with my staff....but after I thought about it, you probably would need a whole case of wine given the tasks that await you!"

 

She started going through the 3 page list of things that the auditors have requested.  Some of the stuff I understand, other stuff is just way over my head at this point.  I need a paper bag to breathe in!  Then she was telling the guy that is taking over my duties her at HQ how she specifically did not want to put her 2 two deputies or the Country Director in charge of the audit because if they didn't handle it correctly, they would get fired.  Hmmm...what does that mean for me?  I'm going to have a very steep learning curve.

 

Kimberly did a presentation over lunch of the program.  I always enjoy these presentations (this is about the 5th one I've seen her do), because I  learn something more...something more about the program, something more about Iraq, something more about Iraqis.  The tremendous success of the program speaks volumes about the Iraqis - their commitment to the reconstruction of their country, their commitment to their work, their families, their communities...and yet it is a story that we can not tell publicly, because to do so would be the end of the program.  In fact, for the first time today, I heard a story about how J. Bremer wanted to visit our project and distribute the "first loan" to a female client.  CHF told him, when he called the President of CHF, "You do this, and it will be the quick end of our program, and we will pull out of Iraq". Miraculously, Bremer saw the wisdom and decided he didn't need a photo-op.  The issue is that if anybody knew this was an American organization, that people were taking loans of "American money", the staff and offices would be targeted and the program would be finished in a second.

 

Bruce, the former Iraq Country Director, who is now taking on duties here at headquarters and will be my new supervisor (yey!) come September, called me this evening.  As luck would have it, he has to move to DC in September and wants a place to stay while he settles, and has decided to sub-lease my place from me while I'm in Jordan.  It's a wonderful solution to both of our needs!  Anyway, Bruce and I worked together, mostly via phone, during a very intense 9 months.  I guess I would categorize our relationship as a little more than collegial and a little less than "father-daughter-ly".  We know a lot about each other's families and each other's hobbies, and we've built a relationship by being through some of the darkest days of the Iraq program togehter.  He called to tell me that he was a) so happy that I'm on his headquarters team (when I return in December) and b) having me out in Jordan is going to be a win-win for everybody involved.  Obviously, he has a lot of confidence in me, and that means a lot.

 

Omar and I spent this evening at the pool at the Y with some friends, probably our last visit to the pool for a long time.  Everybody came back to our house for dinner.  It was a wonderful time -kids and adults fully enjoyed each other's company, and we adults got a laugh when all the kids were telling us that they were tired and wanted to go to bed.  We kept trying to ignore them, but they finally won out!

 

Tomorrow will be my last day at the office and I have way too many things to do.  I just have to accept that I won't get it all done, and whatever I won't get done will have to be done remotely.  I probably have no time, actually, to be sitting here typing this entry...

I had lunch with Laini this afternoon, I'm sure going to miss her.  Her daughter Maggie is starting school on Monday and is in a French immersion program, the program that I have my eye on to put Omar in when he turns school-age.  Maggie isn't so excited about the prospect of not being able to understand the language her teacher is speaking, and Laini is worried about how she'll adjust.  Omar and I both love Maggie.  If I ever had a daughter, I'd want her to be so full of Maggie's spirit -she's spunkie, out-going, honest, caring and just plain smart!  I wish I could be around for those first few weeks of school, and even try some of my French out on her.

 

I had lunch on Monday with Stephanie and Mercedes.  I enjoy Stephanie's company because she always seems so level-headed and objective about life that it has a calming and "centering" influence on me.  Her and her husband Steve have been to Jordan and she's just really excited and so supportive of my trip, it means a lot to me.

 

I did the going away party at school today with Omar for the entire class.  As predicted, it had little significant meaning for the kids, but Omar's face lit up like the sun when he saw me walk in the door for lunch time.  Sometimes, I've got to admit, it feels pretty good being the center of my little boy's world and having that feeling like I can do no wrong in his eyes (and short as that will last!).

 

My friend Tracey from London called today to check in before I take off.  Tracey is my friend who I can admit to how really incapable I am at my job and she manages to make me feel good about myself anyways!  I'm so happy for her since she took a gutsy move by leaving a great job in a small organization that didn't have, how shall I say it....the correct motivation for doing humanitarian assistance work, as I would generalize, most faith-based organizations don't.  The best part about her gutsy move is that she's landed a great job with another great international NGO despite being an American in London.  Yey, Tracey - you go girl!

 

I finally hired a handyman to do all the small jobs around the house that I neither have the capability, courage, or time to tackle myself.  I had a list of about a half a dozen things I needed done, and he promised to finish all of them in the next three days!  I'm thrilled - these things have been on my to do list since I moved into the house 4 years ago.  The best part about this guy, I've got to say, is that he's the first house-contractor type that I've had to the house that hasn't talked down to me.  In fact, he's been more than nice making suggestions about how I can improve the maintenance of the house, without making me feel like a dope for having done it previously.

 

Another tie-up thing I did today (geeze, you'd think I was planning to time travel across centuries or something!), I returned my "rent-a-horn" to the music shop since I won't be around to play in the orchestra this semestar.  That was really difficult - I almost hugged the horn before they took it away.  I was looking at the rental agreement that I signed a year and a half ago and let out a big sigh.  I was in such a different place a year and a half ago, and there was something about picking up the French horn again that felt like I was grabbing for a life perserver at the time. It's true, I tell everybody, I am the worst French Horn player in the orchestra - I never had anytime to practice, transposing music was just too difficult for a mom-focused brain, and I felt like I could never keep up with things.  And yet....sometimes when I played the music, I got goose bumps!

 

Well tomorrow its back to work after my 10 day vacation.  I'm really nervous.

 

Back from our trip to the Outer Banks - it was a nice trip, but not as restful as I would have hoped.  Yes, it was "leave" from work, but it wasn't "leave" from my single parenting duties.  In any case, I'm glad we got the breather away from all the stress of work which may be my last chance for awhile.

 

My next three days are devoted to getting things in order before I leave.  Those things consist of: putting my house in order to be able to leave to somebody else for a few months, organizing my financial and other life commitments for the next few months, and, most importantly, trying to get last minute face time with my friends.  Oh yeah, I'm supposed to do packing in there too, but I figure I'll save that for the weekend.  I feel so seasoned at the packing thing, that it rarely takes me more than a day to do.

 

I found out today that they have managed to negotiate the start date of the audit to coincide with my first day on the job.  It's a little nerve wracking.  I'm really scared of messing things up or not being faithful to the great work that has already been done by so many committed staff in Iraq.

 

I'm trying to plan a little going away party for Omar at his school. In reality, it will probably mean very little to the children and to Omar in some sense, but I also want to do it to thank the teachers and the staff of the center for taking the time to get to know and enjoy my little boy.  I really admire them for being able to take a group of kids from such different back rounds and being able to foster and enjoy the individuality of each.  Omar has been so happy there recently and I really enjoy talking to his teacher each day when I pick him up about what the kids have done.  I'm sure Omar and I will miss the place while we're gone.

 

Omar's passport arrived today! (wow, only 8 days!).  I was so excited, although Omar could have cared less about it.  This is the start of his travelling career.

 

I had a discussion today with the Project Director, more in depth about the work I'm going to be doing.  We'll be having an audit of the program beginning 8/17 that I'll be walking into.  I'm a little bit nervous, since I'm strong on the policy and procedures stuff, but weak on actual operations since I haven't been involved in the day-to-day of things at all. 

 

I started some packing this weekend, just basic stuff that I want to be sure to take for the apartment we'll be living in - sheets, towels, toiletries, etc.  Omar freaks a bit when he sees the suitcases and he keeps telling me he doesn't want to go to Jordan.  I don't think he realizes what it actually means.

 

I had some email discussions last week with staff at the American Community School and they are ready to welcome Omar in at any time.  However, I'm now re-thinking that completely.  My mother will be with us for the first 4 weeks, then Omar will go to Yemen with his father for another 4 weeks during Ramadan, and by the time he gets back, I'll only have 3 more weeks in- country.  So maybe I'll try to find a Nanny instead.  Also, I found out a good friend who I met through work will be out there for a couple of weeks each in October and November.  I'm looking forward to having company to explore things with. 

 

From previous visits, I know that Jordan is a beautiful and unique country to explore, although the city of Amman is pretty non-descript and boring.  It is often referred to as the "Hashemite Kingdom of Boredom".  I, however, think it is probably just the pace a family needs.

 

It's the 25 day count-down.  Work is crazy-busy with all my normal duties, I'm not sure how I'm going to hand everything over and organize my life in 25 days.

 

Omar and I have an appointment tomorrow at a Traveller's health clinic to find out what kind of vaccinations and medications we might need.  Frankly, I'm not reallly keen on getting this done for myself, I've travelled so much already I tend to think I know all I need to know about the risks.  But, its a different story with Omar - I want to make sure he's well protected.

 

I sent my application into the American Community School to try to get Omar placed in their 3's class.  I have mixed feelings about this.  On one hand, I would really like him to be in a traditional, American school setting.  On the other hand, I think it is too much of a risk to take in today's security environment.  Putting your kid in a school in the Middle East with the name "American" on it just doesn't seem like a smart thing to do, from a security point of view.  My preference is to find a nanny, although I'm worried I won't be able to find somebody competent, who I can trust and who Omar feels comfortable with quickly.

 

In between all this, I'm trying to learn the language of micro-finance.  I talked to the ACSI director (Kimberly) today, we were working on the budget for the donor and I said, "Oh, this is the reflow funds?"  She corrected me, "Donna, these are not reflows, the correct term is interest income!"  I still wonder how I'm going to take charge of this thing if I don't know the correct terms.  Kimberly also told me that she's concerned about how my time is used while in Jordan, that everybody has already assigned me with lots of tasks and I definitely don't want to be put in a place where I can not deliver to expectations.