"Untitled." Mixed media (acrylic on canvas, graphite on gesso). 36"x48"
the story: i was up at dong ha, rvn from april or may until june '68. i was in a quonset hut when we were hit with artillery, rocket, or mortar this particul night around 2 am.
after the incoming, we were asked to volunteer to help carry two vietnamese from a boat to the doc. i volunteered. there was a papa-san and mama-san. mama-san's left arm was hanging at the elbow by an one inch piece of flesh. one of papa-san's legs was hanging on by a similar piece of flesh. both were wounded by m-16 fire. while mama-san was laying on the table, the doc said, "they are vc. you can tell by the tattoos on their arms. " i didn't see any tattoo on mama-sans arm. as i was standing there in a circle around the table with mama-san on it, she started looking at each man's face.
just before she got to me, i decided not to show any sympathy. something inside of me slammed down.
perhaps, that is why i have difficulty feeling and expressing certain emotions at times.
some ptsd gurus say a vietnam vet with ptsd must re-experience the emotions at the time of the trauma(s). other ptsd gurus say not to make the vet re-experience the trauma(s) because he or she will be retraumatized.
while painting this picture, i tried and succeeded in feeling a number of emotions i did not allow myself at the time this incident took place. in other words, i shut down in that tent or quonset hut, or whatever it was. that probably wasn't the first time, and it certainly wasn't the last time i shut down while in vietnam.
the painting went through a certain metamorphosis. mama-san had a mouth, now she doesn't. the doc, in the middle, has a mouth, but it is hard to see it (hear it). my mouth in one stage was a black hole scream. all of the eyes show death. at one point, i thought the figure on the far right, which is me, was shouting, "alright, you have seen ------, now go away." but, i didn't want to be rude. and, i think, i could be talking to myself as well, as in, "you've gone deep enought. stop."