I have no idea how I got on his Christmas list, but it all started
with an email mistake.
Sometime last October, my wife Terry asked me to email her sister
and brother-in-law the day before one of their dive trips to get directions to the boat. She said Brad’s email address
So I sent a message to Brad at firstname.lastname@example.org asking for
directions to the dock, adding that I had never seen Terry so excited before a dive, that the night before she slept in her
wet suit - which wasn’t so bad except when I kissed her good night she made me make fish lips.
Later that day I get this email back from email@example.com
saying, "Sounds interesting. Who’s Brad?"
Turns out Brad’s email address is actually firstname.lastname@example.org,
But the thing is, last Christmas I got a Christmas card from Carl
and Denise, the dentist, from email@example.com. That was the letter I substituted for my own Christmas letter last
year when I got behind and ran out of time to write my own.
Terry yelled upstairs one afternoon the week before Christmas that
she needed the Christmas letter "right now" - so I snatched Carl’s letter off the desk, ran off copies, and stuffed
them in the envelops.
No one noticed it wasn’t from me, except one of my brothers
who asked me how I liked the Lexus. See what I mean?
And now the news. We’re thinking of taking a cooking class this year.
The kitchen fires had something to do with it, although the idea first surfaced at the suggestion of one of those attending
a revolving Sunday Night Football party held that week at our house, to whom I served an eggplant Parmesan that had gone splendidly
the week before in a trial run.
To make a long story short, I got in another rush and not all
of the eggplants got cooked long enough, a detail not discovered until the plastic forks began snapping off during dinner
in an attempt to separate a bite from the stubborn cartilage.
The rotating football party dissolved soon after that but the cooking class
idea persisted, solidifying after the tofu-avocado loaf Terry made for dinner one night a few weeks later.
That treat owes its creation to a dinner pact Terry and I agreed to specifying
that we would each be responsible for preparing two dinners a week, with the understanding that no recipe was
to be used twice, no matter how high it scored the first time.
Needless to say, we soon ran out of food familiar to First World
tastes and found ourselves preparing alien soups and extravagant stir-frys from mystic recipes found in I-Ching cook
books. Before long, dinner became a science project, eating a Lab War. The tofu-avocado loaf was the result,
the recipe for which came from the Airport Buddhists. Somehow we're on their mailing list, too.
It wasn't the presentation. A tofu-avocado loaf, when delivered in
the shape of a real meatloaf, creates the illusion of an actual dinner. How it looked, however, wasn’t the issue.
It was the taste. How can I put this? Let's just say that a bar
of bathroom handsoap looks the same and tastes better than tofu.
But in the interest of preserving the marriage that night I
consumed most of it without complaint and, according to Terry, only made one face. She claims she can tell when I'm not enjoying my meal because my face contorts radically and I squint violently
like hydrochloric acid had been sprayed in my eyes. I deny this, of course, maintaining it's baseless hyperbole
- until she started photographing me during meals. Where others have salt and pepper on the table, we have a Minolta
Toward the end of the tofu meal Terry asked me with a straight face if
I'd like some more.
Now, a more thoughtful person might have paused, and reflected on any number
of blessings, grateful for the love of a sweet, wonderful woman, happy to be healthy, and reasonably prosperous. Instead,
I risked it all in one arrant, involuntary declaration. "I’d rather die," I said.
There’s probably more news that I could put in here but it’s
December 20 so a precis will have to do: Jeremy is graduating art school
this spring. The student loan officer will be sad to see him leave. Jason continues to threaten to graduate from Long Beach
State. He claims to be just 6 units short, but every time he gets close his punk band (98 Mute) goes on the road. (Shameless
plug: CDs available at Wherehouse, Borders, Amazon.com, and other fine music retailers nation-wide). Neither of them has a tattoo or piercing. Somewhere I’ve failed.
Life is good. Peace