Such a simple thing

Last night Michael took his first few steps. He was holding on to a chair and looking toward David (about 2 feet away). Then he just decided to go for it. They were only 2.5 steps, and then falling into David, but definitely an accomplishment. Today, in the midst of my workday, I find myself forgetting the joy of this moment, which is a drag.

Out of Control

Both letters are in close to final form, then printing onto resume paper (which, since I'm using our department's laser printer, happens at either end of the day so fewer people will notice I'm printing job apps). Then it's giving up control for a little while and waiting until the end of August. In the meantime, I'll prep for interview questions, and a possible presentation.

Control is the operating concept for a lot of shifts lately, and was a main move toward rediscovering Christianity. Acknowledging that I don't have control over a lot of things is very liberating, and helps to make me less anxious (only a little). All I can do is the best I can and God has control over the rest. I totally admit my role in it, so it's not like "God, find me a parking space". There are choices along the way, and it's about making sure those choices are aligned with the big G. Plus, as far as the job thing goes, there are people pulling for us on either front, so the supportive energies are out there.

Another hot day today, so the plan is to stay inside as much as possible. For Seattle it's hot, for my native-Cali blood, not so much--just a solid summer day.

The Red Pill or the Blue Pill?

Wrapping up things on the reference desk and then getting into the workweek. Today's the day that I prepare my two letters for jobs on the horizon. David and I discussed sending both of these out into the universe with the same energy and letting the chips fall where they may. There are many good reasons for one. It's nice here, not so bloody hot, friends are here, we like this church we're going to, Michael likes his daycare, etc. But, the other has some plusses too: grandparents and other relatives within a short drive, friends likewise, proximity to California treasures, etc.

Weekend recap: I got to see two movies on DVD! This is a major event given that most of our weekend hours are spent caring for Michael and recovering our energy. Punch Drunk Love, highly recommended, Adam Sandler does an admirable job (David and I watched this together). AND, I watched by myself the first Charlie's Angels movie, so maybe I'll get to see the second one in the theater).

Also, I thought a lot about my response to Holly's response to my post on the "big A". See below.

Just clowning around...

Today Michael and I followed our usual Friday routine: trip to Target (diapers, milk bags, envelopes, etc.), Zoopa, and driving around while Michael naps. I debated going onto campus to see Helene Williams, the person who converted me to librarianship and who was visiting from Harvard. But since Michael was sleeping we just bypassed it. Now we are home watching Jay Jay the Jetplane and dismantling the bookshelves a book at a time. This life is extraordinarily suburban, not too intellectually demanding, and sometimes lonely. Despite the joy that Michael has brought to our lives, I don't think I could be a stay-at-home mom. It's funny that the week started with a brain-infusion of Edward Tufte and information design and is ending with sippy cups and stuffed animals.

Right before arriving home I saw the Seafair clowns hanging out in their cruise-mobile at the 76 station. I changed lanes, pulled into the parking lot and waved hello. I don't think I would have done that before Michael. I don't know, maybe I would have....

Our boy (one of the other ones)

For many years my mother and I have been fans of Robert Downey, Jr. At least since we saw Chaplin together in a Paris theater (I was studying abroad at the time). Now there's news that he'll be in the next Woody Allen movie, with Winona Ryder. The Yahoo story is kind of demeaning, but at least he's employed!

A strange day at work today, which started with having to take care of a huge price increase for some science books, a slightly upset selector, workflow sinkholes, etc. I'm usually not so sensitive about this stuff, but I ended up crying in a meeting. Fun! Yep, I'm your job candidate! There's stress, but not anything out of the ordinary. I wonder where it's coming from?

Shifting Views on the Big A, and consequences thereof

[editor's note: this is a very scary post for me in terms of broadcasting my preliminary thoughts on this topic, but I think it's important. I'm very willing to talk about this further on- or offline.]

For the past few months a very serious topic has been on my mind. Gradually my views on abortion, once staunchly on the feminist, pro-choice side, have begun to shift. This makes me kind of uneasy, because for a while I haven't really known what to think about this. Little by little, the viewpoint has become clearer, to the point that I think I can make some attempt at articulating it. I have been in the privileged position of having a baby when I wanted to, with a supportive co-parent, and adequate financial means. It's true that I have no idea what it's like to become pregnant in less than ideal or even awful circumstances.

However, there are also a couple of notions that I can no longer think of as less than absolute truths: 1) killing is wrong and 2) life begins at conception. What would a world that truly and thoroughly supported women with unplanned pregnancies look like? Monnica Terwilliger makes a curious move in her discussion on abortion by stating that it's a patriarchal world that offers abortion as a possibility for women. This is something I want to think about further, but it would really stand the usual feminist logic of abortion as a liberating option on its head.

This shift stems from a couple of major events in my life: having a baby myself, and working toward re-establishing a relationship with Jesus. Both of these things have the power to completely alienate me from many people currently in my circles if I'm not careful, and so far I've been careful to retain as much normalcy as possible. But this shift from pro-choice to anti-abortion--that's a biggie that's pretty frightening for this good liberal educated Californian feminist who's proud to live in a blue state. What do I do with that?

Tufte recap

What a great day yesterday. I was able to get a later start than usual, because the Tufte seminar didn't start until 9. Michael got to gradually wake up instead of being jostled awake by my dressing him for the day. I walked downtown toward the Westin, dropping off library books on the way and stopping by Cafe Ladro for a morning cuppa. Then to a huge ballroom filled to capacity (and about a 70/30 male/female split, if I had to say--there may have been more women number-wise, but it felt like a very male crowd). Tufte's books were included in the price of admission, and he referred to them quite a bit throughout the day. The package was very well thought out in terms of Tufte-stuff, but I would have liked a pad of paper. Some brought their own notepads, but I had not.

The highlights that stand out for me were, in more or less detail:
1) the importance of not letting production mechanisms get in the way of communicating the content, whether in tables, graphs, or texts (like the books that he designs himself to get the details right)
2) the fact that he owns all of these great books, and must spend a good portion of his proceeds at book auctions: Ben Jonson's copy of Euclid's Geometry, an early Newton edition, etc. These were carried around the room after Tufte had referred to them by a youngish guy in white gloves.
3) Tufte's PowerPoint harangue, and tips for good presentations (taken from advice on good teaching). I may just skip the PP for my next presentation and go with paper only. He discussed in detail the low resolution of a PowerPoint compared to what the human eye and mind can handle, and how many things are dumbed down when converted to PP mode (with salient examples, including Peter Norvig's Gettysburg Address PP.
4) All of the examples used during the day provided food for thought: Napoleon's march to Russia, the Challenger explosion and investigation, a London cholera epidemic, etc.

Oh, yeah, and another highlight was having lunch with my apartment managers, both medical illustrators, and a surprise/non-surprise at the seminar. We enjoyed all-you-can-eat sushi at Nikko. We probably could have eaten more, but didn't have time.

Today is back at work, slogging through inbox, email and paper, plus wearing the hats of two other staff members who are out today. The Libraries Staff Association is hosting an ice cream social today, so there's something to redeem the slogginess.

Back to it, kinda

There is no describing the relief enjoyed by two parents whose child is being watched by his grandmother while they catch a movie and a pint of beer together. That was the highlight of Saturday. Sunday, sharing our new church with Grandma Spag, and then going to a good friend's wedding. Many kids there, which was great for Michael. He also had a great time crawling around the reception space.

Today: still at home because my seminar with Edward Tufte doesn't start until 10am. The seminar is on the visual display of information. I was first introduced to this fellow at a conference in May, and he's since popped up everywhere. I was lucky enough to get my fees reimbursed by the library, which is good because otherwise quite pricey. It will be nice to be out of the office but still be professionally "on the clock". I wonder where I will have lunch?

Relief!

Grandma Spag is here, which means that David and I get to enjoy a little relief from parenting activities. Michael last saw Grandma Spag in May when we went down to LA to visit cousin Ella. David and I are grateful for this visit on several levels. There's a third person to watch Michael, help with his daily upkeep, and entertain him. She eats this up too, of course. It also appears that we'll have a chance to escape a little today to maybe see a movie. I don't remember the last movie I saw in a theater, but it was definitely while I was pregnant. I think it was Mulholland Drive.

Having family here to assist with Michael gets me thinking about moving back to California. This past week I spied a job opening down there that looks pretty attractive. Again, we're starting the discussion of whether it's time to leave Seattle. I'm still applying for my job to become permanent, but this opportunity to move down to California is very interesting indeed. We would gain the family network being closer, which would be a great benefit. We'll see what happens.

New Books or Body Fluids?

Well, which do you think I'm dealing with today? Am I at my job as acquisitions librarian? Or am I home tending a sick baby? It's the latter, I'm afraid. Michael must have eaten something that didn't agree with him, and spend most of last night getting rid of it, and any milk he got from what were supposed to be recuperative nursings. Since we sleep in a "family bed" much of this sickness meant that we went through all of our bedsheets. This morning he woke up in good spirits, and I thought "maybe I can go to work after all" (it's Dad's day today), but after a brief morning nursing it was back again and then some. So far, so good since 8am--the nursings and the vitamin-infused water have stayed down. Plus the boy is napping.

I'm lucky enough to have a flexible state job, where I can take leave when I need to. I only feel a little guilty staying home today in terms of my workload. There are great folks at work to pick up the slack, yet I also feel that I should be a superachiever, to show everyone (mostly my boss) that I can have a kid and be a new library professional who is interested in learning and advancing along the chosen career path.

I was asked at one of this weekend's social events whether I was "parenting full time". Although I knew what this really meant was if I was a "stay at home mom" full time, I interpret it quite differently. I am always "on" as a mom, even when I am at my job. I am thinking about Michael's being at daycare when I am processing an order, helping a staffperson, etc. My status as a mom also comes through in my supervising and relating to other people, not just the other moms in the unit. It's like becoming a mom for everyone. In hindsight I wish I explained this to the person who asked me the question, but I'm afraid I was probably more flip than that, fueled by the exasperation and defensiveness of my fractured-feeling identity.

Dean Doings

I'm briefly catching up on Slate during a reference hour. Here's an article on Howard Dean and his use of the Internet for his campaign. It's an interesting phenomenon that I've been watching from afar. I've got my Meetup logon, and get the emails, but I don't seem to have time to join the frenzy. The article discusses the internet momentum peetering out, or going in a different direction. I wonder if the participants aren't victims of short attention spans--would they have the stamina to carry it through to election time? Time will tell.

[Am interested in the link from the Slate article to the Borg--haven't had a chance to read it yet, but I'm piqued]

Bastille Day

So, since it's Bastille Day, I offer up the lyrics to Rush's Bastille Day.

A long challenging weekend, confronted with the growing pains of a new parent. On various occasions, we have tried to snatch a bit of our pre-child life, by going out with friends and doing the things we used to do. In my case it was a bridal shower/bachelorette party on Saturday and a dinner party on Sunday. I fondly recall days when I used to close down the College Inn Pub, but really there was more pain there (especially the next day) than anything really fulfilling. The camaraderie was nice, but not sustaining except in a couple of cases, and there it wasn't really about the pub itself. Both occasions felt indulgent--I was out of the house, among friends, even having a cocktail or glass of wine--something I should relish. But something was not quite right, something in the conversation, or my more or less apologetic manner. "Sorry I'm not my old self." Not really.

One of the downsides is that I can't adequately explain to these folks what I have gained in my life over the past year. There's a frustration there that I just can't get past. I just have to wait until some of them join me.

And Monday brings the wheel once again: getting ready for daycare, working, recovering from working, getting ready....

Nancy's a Doll!

I've been making great use of my new BlogThis! plug in, so I thought why not roll out this one. Our acquisitions unit is all a-buzz about the new librarian action figure available through Archie McPhee. It's not available yet, but when it is, we're hoping it sells like gangbusters!

Long live Nancy Pearl!

MAS 1st birthday trip

We're planning our trip to Sacramento to celebrate Michael's first birthday party with the grandparents. This should bring up anxieties of several sorts: what kind of cake should he have when he won't really care much? how widereaching should the party be (again given that he won't remember)? etc. But I think the biggest anxiety comes from the fact that I have no swimsuit, and I feel that I must get some swimming in given that Seattle has no summer to speak of. I'm not a great swimmer, but I do enjoy the backstroke. Also, I wouldn't be able to bear the Sacramento heat without at least a dunk.

Given all that, I'm thinking of getting the Tankini Top and Bottom in green from Title 9 Sports. A little pricey, but what the heck? Plus, it's green! What do you think?

p.s. I'm noticing that haloscan's server is acting up, so comments may not show up. Hopefully resolved soon.

New skin....

Now don't that feel a whole lot betta? There's still tinkering to do, like with cell padding, etc., but at least it's no longer that hideous orange template. I felt violated.* Skins seems to me like hairdos, so it might look totally different in a week. Still, go green!

*"violated" : this word gets sounded out in my brain in the Irish brogue of David Feherty, a pro golf announcer who used the word to describe how other players felt when Tiger Woods beat their hinies by 10 strokes and more.

Disregard archives

Please disregard the archive links for the time being. I'm struggling with the whole filepath thing. For some reason it's not kicking into my desired directory.

Run it up the flagpole and see who salutes...

That's how I felt after my phone interview this morning with an unnamed regional university library. I didn't do very well with the questions lobbed at me, although they were so standard, about technology, collection development, supervision of staff, professional activities and publications. I fumbled a bit for answers and felt like I was apologizing for my lack of specific experience in part. So much for the interview advice to "always be positive in your answers". Well, at least I feel I was honest about my shortcomings. We'll see what happens. I did much better once I was able to ask questions and turn it more into a conversation.

On the other hand, I felt a bit liberated afterward and more focused on my current job.

Saddened by some current news today. First, that the Iranian conjoined twins died during surgery to separate them. Then learned that a friend's baby was born stillborn. During the day I found that my only recourse/offering in these cases is prayer.

In much goofier news, Britney finally owned up to doing it with Justin. All I can say is that I'm shocked, simply shocked.

Ended the day with a walk around the neighborhood with my husband and child, helping to dissipate one of those lightly nagging headaches that isn't bad enough to medicate. Ice cream usually helps here.

Looking forward to a re-energized workday tomorrow: no meetings, all progress through the paper. At least that's how I hope it goes.

Oh, I'm also working on a new skin for this thing. The orange is getting to me--how about you? Where's the green?

I should have known it would work out this way...

Well, after the worldly combat of consumerism and poor body image in Vancouver, what follows but some answers in today's sermon, the topic of which was resentment, envy, jealousy. Pastor Bill's sermon really helped to get things back in perspective, the way an effective sermon does. One of the steps offered away from these feelings of resentment, etc., was refocusing on serving. Pastor Bill also mentioned that they needed a backup person on the PowerPoint slides for the sermon. I couldn't help feeling that I was being called. This led me into an odd (well, new for me) train of thought about "PowerPointing for Jesus" and then of course the "blogging for Jesus" line. I feel very strongly that this renewed orientation toward God has something to do with my being taken out of myself through service. This is about service in my family, to David and Michael, just as much as it is about service to the greater community.

So, this post is the all-religious post, with a couple of helpful links that I've found in this area.
BibleGateway.com is a very powerful Bible passage search engine, with many versions available.

Martin Roth's Christian Commentary offers a thorough examination of "blogging for the Lord". I haven't had the time to cruise this site in the depth that I'd like. He does seem to save one the work of creating yet another meta-site on this topic, though.

This brings to mind a topic that I'd like to explore further (and which one of my books Cybergrace does a bit: how we use our technology for religious purposes, how we serve in that regard as technology experts.

An airline ticket search for our CA trip for Michael's birthday veers me off the blogging course, and family duties will likely claim my attention until next time....

Canadian Shop-a-Go-Go

Return from Vancouver: I always have mixed reactions to this city. Of course, I really enjoy the break from USA-centrism, especially on the 4th of July. It's cleaner, has a nicer waterfront than Seattle does (at English Bay), and a different mix of international cuisine (on Friday we were trying to decide among Malaysian, Ukrainian and Greek--we settled on Ukrainian Village restaurant, a cozy family place we recommend).

For some reason, there is also a more image-conscious thing happening, especially on Robson Street, a main retail corridor, but palpable in other neighborhoods too. I'm still self-conscious enough to care, although I'm trying to get over that a bit more. Partly carry-over from post-partum feelings of frumpiness, I guess. If you can't beat 'em, join 'em, so I dove into the retail celebration, within the bounds of reason.

As the first real vacation since Michael's birth, other than trips to see family, this trip to Vancouver was a success. David and I are still struggling with navigating with a baby, adjusting our expectations as to how much ground we can cover. Travelling time is always longer too, although Michael did fine except to cry out when he was tired. Next time we need to remember to bring Michael's birth certificate (we got an annoyingly condescending lecture by the US Customs Officer--the Canadian guy was very nice on the way in).

Got some reading in: We've Got Blog checked out from the library, an anthology of essays with link-heavy endnotes. I suppose one is positioning oneself within the context of the conversation, or the "tradition" of what's been done already. [Well, not really, it's not that, more like "catching up" a bit.] I just remembered that I lost a post from the other day, when I was talking about having discovered that "blogshare" is not a catalog of blogs, or a ring, but that there is this fantasy stock market thing with blogs going on--kind of goofy and not really recoverable as I had written it, but there it is.

Tomorrow: 4th visit to All Saints, with David this time, then getting ready for the workweek.

Oh Canada!

Off to Vancouver for our 2nd annual "get out of the US for the 4th of July" trip. Will post again on Saturday.

Meta-blogging

Meta-blog musing: I wish I had time to make this a longer post. The medium invites content that matches the short attention span, which is a relief, but there are topics that beg for a more-detailed exploration. Bene Diction addresses the meta-blog state in addition to Blog Etiquette. I don't know if this will be a regular blog visit for me, but it might since it looks like there are some similar interests. Other meta-blog considerations, short-hand jotted: the style evolution as one learns about what's available, mates' transition from one bloghost to another and the technical issues involved with that, when/how to open the blog up to a bigger audience (whether registering as "public" with your bloghost, getting into a blogshare or other).

I've also been seeing the .php extension on files, and am slowly exploring that. If nothing else, this venture has drawn me back into recent developments in web technology. As Ukrainian Nina at daycare would say, "It's good!"

Moo!

Christine Ferris describes my workday perfectly in her article Pumping in Style at Hip Mama. I think it's the hormones that make us so fuzzy during the workday. Tomorrow's an early Friday, then off to Canada for a 4th of July vacation.

No more 404!

Yay, Holly blog returns, providing wisdom and wit for the masses (and resolving spagblog's broken link issue). Yay--bootay dance!

Another one of those days...

Yep, another one of those "doing the best I can" days. Michael woke up earlier that I would have liked and looked like he wasn't going back to sleep again (finally did). No hot water for the shower. Had to take the car in this morning and pick up something for the division party (end of fiscal year celebration). 40 minutes late. Not bad considering I had to walk a ways to catch the bus up to campus.

Today bodes well, though. In addition to the above-mentioned celebration there's also my first Pilates class after my reference desk hour. I have to stay late to make up for it, but I hope it's worth it. The breastfeeding has helped me keep the weight down (8 pounds lighter than before I got pregnant), but I still haven't really been exercising. So much for "swimsuit season" which never seems to arrive in Seattle anyway.

Oh, and the church front: Have gone 3 times to All Saints Church on Queen Anne, and would recommend it. It's got a laid-back style, younger (and smaller) congregation--about 100 people. Pastor Bill invokes his sermons with the right mix of humor and candor. Might this be the place for us?