[Note: Back in ninth grade I drew a short five page "comic book"
entitled The Anti-Care Bear. It debuted to immediate
rave reviews among friends, acquaintances, and people I hardly knew.
I followed it up with an even funnier second issue, topping in at about
six pages, then moved on to other things. But I never forgot my
greatest creation. Over the years I've tried to reinvent the ACB in
an attempt to marry the original concept with my improved narrative and
artistic abilities. So far nothing's made it past the second page.
What follows is a script for a mini-comic just waiting to be drawn.
Perhaps one day I'll get around to it. Until then, read on and use
your stinkin' imagination for once. And if you happen to be an
artist who'd love to adapt my little script, feel free to
contact me.]
The Anti-Care Bear: Issue #1
(C) 1999, 2003 David Larkins
Frame 1
A “park style”
public restroom is framed by a bucolic paradise. “His” and “her” doors
are dappled by sunlight filtered through swaying willow branches. Nearby,
birds bathe in a marble bath, while a rainbow shines overhead. Mr. Sun
smiles approvingly.
Caption:
Somewhere in Carealot.
Frame 2
We are now
inside the “his” restroom, normally a spotless and graffiti free
environment, carpeted and brass coated. But today the restroom is filled
with a thick pall of cigarette smoke hanging heavy in the air, giving the
whole place a roadhouse feel.
A sudden
snorting sound emanates from one of the two closed stalls.
Stall (fx):
Snnnnnort!
Frame 3
Anti-Care Bear
emerges from the stall, sniffling and blinking, lighting a fresh
cigarette.
Anti-Care
Bear: Oh yeah! That’s the stuff!
Other stall (fx):
Fluuuuush!
Frame 4
Another Care
Bear, let’s call him Pinky, emerges from the other stall, coughing and
waving his hand in front of his face.
Pinky (fx):
Caff! Cough!
Pinky: Anti-Care Bear must you
smoke that in here? Don’t you care about
second-hand smoke?
Frame 5
Anti-Care Bear raises an eyebrow to
the reader as if to say “Is this
guy asking for it or what?”
Frame 6
Anti-Care Bear jams a sawed-off in
Pinky’s mouth.
Anti-Care Bear: Here, smoke
this.
Pinky: Oomph!
Frame 7
The gun fires, and brains ensue.
Shotgun (fx): click, BOOM!
Frame 8
Anti-Care Bear stands over the
body, his frame silhouetted against the brain mural he has painted on the
bathroom wall. His gun droops slightly in his grip.
Frame 9
Another Care Bear, Blinky, sticks
his head through the bathroom door.
Blinky: Anti-Care Bear, are you
all right?
Frame 10
Anti-Care Bear, his back to the
entrance, turns his head slightly.
Anti-Care Bear: Oh, I’m
fine…
Frame 11
Anti-Care Bear spins, now wielding
a “Quake” style rocket launcher.
Frame 12
The rocket launcher fires.
Rocket Launcher (fx):
Whooooosh!
Frame 13
Close up on Blinky’s face, eyes
wide.
Blinky: meep.
Frame 14
The rocket hits, and Blinky
explodes. His head rockets straight up, still intact and bearing a look of
total surprise.
Blinky (fx): Ploip!
Blinky’s Head: Aieeeeeeeeeeee…
Frame 15
Extreme angle looking down towards
restroom and park from about 1500 feet up. Blinky’s still screaming
head goes rocketing by.
Blinky’s Head: …eeeeeeeeeyaaaa…
Frame 16
A private jet, cruising amongst the
clouds.
Caption: Meanwhile, directly
overhead…
Frame 17
Inside the cockpit, two pilots
converse.
Ernie: You know Bert, I just
gotta say: transporting these previously unwanted and
unloved Brazilian street urchins to their new
homes and better lives in America just fills me with this, this warm
fuzzy feeling.
Bert: Yeah, I know what you
mean.
Frame 18
The jet continues to fly, but this
time a screaming projectile is hurtling towards it. It strikes
one of the two engines, causing a catastrophic malfunction.
Blinky’s Head: …aaaaaaaPAFF!
Jet Engine (fx): baROOOM!
Frame 19
Inside the cockpit sensors are
going crazy as multiple alarms sound and the plane pitches wildly. Bert
wrestles with the controls in vain.
Instruments (fx): beepbeepbeep!
vrrt!vrrt!vrrt! wah!wah!wah!
Ernie: Captain, we’ve lost
power! Number two engine is down!
Bert: I know, dammit!
I…can’t…control…Oh God no! We’re going into a spin!
Frame 20
Anti-Care Bear is walking away from
the restroom, still coolly smoking a cigarette. In the background, a
plane spins towards the horizon, leaving a spiral column of thick
black smoke.
Frame 21
Anti-Care Bear sits on a stone
bench under a blossoming fruit tree with that blonde girl, who wears a
slightly perplexed expression on her face. From off-stage, an indignant
voice calls out.
Caption: Some time later…
Anti-Care Bear: No really
baby, it’s true! Over twelve inches and all
natural! Here, lemme show you-
Off-stage Voice: Anti-Care
Bear!
Frame 22
A half-dozen Care Bears encircle
Anti-Care Bear and stand with arms folded, wearing angry expressions.
The head Care Bear, Lion-face, speaks.
Lion-face: Murderer!
Frame 23
Lion-face unrolls a long scroll
that hits the ground and keeps going and reads from it. Meanwhile, one
of the other Care Bears leads the girl away in the background.
Care Bear: Come my dear, you
shouldn’t have to see this.
Lion-face: We’ve tolerated a
lot from you: lying, cheating, smoking in public, contributing to the
delinquency of a minor, gambling, reckless driving, possession of a
controlled substance, vandalism, arson, parking in a handi-capable zone,
indecent exposure, solicitation of a prostitute, pandering,
counterfeiting, disturbing the peace, assault, assault with a deadly
weapon, possession with intent to sell, grand theft bicycle…(this litany
should take up several sub-panels that show individual expressions of
boredom, surprise, puzzlement, etc.).
Frame 24
Anti-Care Bear: Enough!
What’s your point?
Frame 25
Lion-face: We have lost
patience! We know you killed Pinky and Blinky in the
restroom—you have crossed the line!
Frame 26
Another Care Bear, Fruity, speaks
up.
Fruity: We tried to be
tolerant of your special needs, but…
Heart-a-lot: Now you must
become one of us!
Frame 27
Anti-Care Bear: Right!
Just like the last time, eh? Face it! Your propaganda
can’t work on me!
Frame 28
The Care Bears link arms; their
symbols begin to glow.
Lion-face: Where kind words
fail, Heart Power prevails!
Frame 29
Anti-Care Bear: Oh give me a
fucking-
Frame 30
A great rainbow shoots from the
symbols of each Care Bear, combing into a great spectral wave.
Care Bears: Care Bear
Stare!
Frame 31
Anti-Care Bear is hit hard by the
wave. He is forced to his knees, clenching fists and teeth.
Anti-Care Bear: Aagh! My
powers are useless! …I think I’m going to puke!
Frame 32
Anti-Care Bear lies unconscious as
the Care Bears close in.
Heart-a-lot: Okay, let’s get
him to the Pit before he wakes up.
Frame 33
A small mountaintop fortress on the
outskirts of Carealot; it’s turreted spires silhouetted against
a glowing late afternoon sun. It looks like a scene from a Grimm
Fairy Tale.
Caption: The Pit.
Frame 34
Anti-Care Bear sits immobilized,
manacled to an iron chair and illuminated by a naked bulb. He is
flanked by a vanguard of shady faced Care Bears in lab coats.
Caption: That night, the
Care Bears brought out every weapon in their mind-warping
arsenal in an effort to bring their black sheep back
into the fold…
Frame 35
Caption: Finger puppet
morality plays.
Finger Puppet: You’re right.
I was wrong to judge you.
Frame 36
Caption: Endless
games of Candyland.
Care Bear: The best
thing about this game is that there are no losers!
Frame 37
Anti-Care Bear’s eyes are pinned
open “Clockwork Orange” style.
Caption: And screenings of
every episode of “School House Rock” and “Alvin and the
Chipmunks” ever made.
Frame 38
Anti-Care Bear sits limply in the
chair, still bolted in. A string of drool hangs from his mouth.
Caption: And as the sun
begins to rise…
Lab Coat 1: I think we’ve
broken him.
Frame 39
As Lab Coat 1 moves to unbolt the
manacles, Anti-Care Bear’s head jerks up, eyes aflame.
Anti-Care Bear: The second
you unbolt me is the second I rip your fucking head off.
Frame 40
Lab Coat 1 backs off. Lab Coat 2
approaches.
Lab Coat 2: Very well. You
leave us no choice.
Frame 41
Lab Coat 2 turns and yells.
Lab Coat 2 (yelling): Bring in
the PBS characters!
Frame 42
A parade of educational characters
pour in through double doors flung wide: Big Bird, Barney, the
Teletubbies, Bert and Ernie (the muppets,not the pilots), Mr. Rodgers, etc.
Frame 43
The group faces Anti-Care Bear in a
semi-circle.
Big Bird: We’ve heard that
you’ve been feeling sad-
Barney: (hyuk) –and
alienated.
Frame 44
Mr. Rodgers: And we just
wanted you to know that that’s okay, becaaaaause…
Anti-Care Bear: Oh God no, not
a song!
Frame 45
All (singing): Everybody’s got
their own smile!
Anti-Care Bear: meep.
Frame 46
All (singing): Everybody’s got
their own style!
Anti-Care Bear: Urgh!
Frame 47
Anti-Care Bear is now desperately
pulling against his manacles.
All (singing): It’s about
you being you…
Anti-Care Bear: Grrrrrr.
Frame 48
The manacles are starting to pull
and snap.
Manacles (fx): Skweee!
All (singing): …and me
being me!
Anti-Care Bear: rrRRAGH!
Frame 49
The manacles finally give way, and
Anti-Care Bear bursts from his prison.
Manacles (fx): Snap!
Anti-Care Bear: No
more!
Frame 50
Anti-Care Bear produces a .45 and
blows Mr. Rodgers away.
Mr. Rodgers (still singing):
It’s about-
Anti-Care Bear: SHUT UP!
Gun (fx): Bang!
Frame 51
We now look down from a ceiling’s
vantage point. The PBS characters still stand in their semi-circle,
the Anti-Care Bear facing them. All stare at the corpse of Fred Rodgers
and the river of blood issuing from his noggin.
Caption: “You killed
him.”
Frame 52
The cavalcade disperses, walking
back towards the double doors, some characters comforting others who
are taking the event badly. Big Bird turns when he reaches the doors,
pointing at Anti-Care Bear.
Big Bird: You’re fucking
dead man! I’m gunning for you!
Frame 53
Anti-Care Bear: Whatever.
Frame 54
Anti-Care Bear turns to face the
“Pit Crew,” now cowering in the corner.
Anti-Care Bear: Tell you
what…I’m feeling generous. Just lie face down and count to one
million and I won’t shoot you.
Frame 55
Pit Crew: Oh thank
you sir! Right away!
Frame 56
As the Pit Crew begins counting,
Anti-Care Bear leaves. On his way out, he leaves a briefcase marked
“Fry’s Rebuilt Suitcase Nukes.” A timer readout shows thirty minutes.
Caption: “One…two…three…”
Frame 57
Anti-Care Bear, now on a road below
the Pit, fires up a Harley.
Harley (fx): Vrrooom!
Anti-Care Bear: I only said I
wouldn’t shoot them.
Frame 58
Anti-Care Bear rides off towards
Carealot proper.
Caption: “Now to finish
the game.”
Frame 59
The Pit. The Pit Crew continues to
count.
Caption: Thirty minutes
later.
Pit Crew: Seven-hundred
sixty-three thousand, four-hundred and ninety-one…seven-hundred
sixty-three-
Frame 60
The timer hits zero.
Suitcase (fx): beepbeepbeep!
Frame 61
View of the Pit from outside, once
again silhouetted against the rising Sun.
Frame 62
A small mushroom cloud goes up.
Cloud (fx):
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!
Frame 63
The Care Bear
Council is in session, convened in a grand hall. A dozen high ranking
Bears sit in a circle of thrones, with Lion-face presiding from the most
ornate throne.
Caption:
Meanwhile, back in Carealot Castle:
Lion-face: Well, now that
that unpleasantness is behind us, we can get down to real
business. What troubled boy or girl should we save today?
Frame 64
Anti-Care Bear
looms above the congregation lurking amidst the rafters of the hall,
hidden by the shadows cast by the cross-vaulting.
Loves-a-lot (excited): Ooo!
Ooo! I nominate Billy Smithers! He’s a bully who
just needs to be taught the meaning of love!
Frame 65
We now see Lion-face’s face through
the vantage point of Anti-Care Bear’s scope, crosshairs centered
on his forehead.
Caption: That sounds
like a fine idea, Loves-a-lot Bear. In fact-
Frame 66
Anti-Care Bear pulls the trigger.
Gun (fx): Crack!
Frame 67
Lion-face’s head reacts to the
kinetic force and impact of the bullet.
Lion-face’s Head (fx): Paf!
Frame 68
The chamber erupts in a chorus of
shouts and cries. Care Bears jump out of their seats and rush to
Lion-face’s side-too late!
Frame 69
A Care Bear, dressed in blood
covered surgical scrubs, stands up after examining Lion-face.
Surgeon: Well, he’s
dead.
Frame 70
Panicky Idiot Bear: Oh my
God! Why did his head explode? What’s going to happen to us?
Frame 71
Anti-Care Bear drops down into the
midst of the throng.
Anti-Care Bear: Stick around
and you’ll find out the answer to both those questions.
Frame 72
Panicky Idiot Bear: Oh no!
It’s the Anti-Care Bear!
Frame 73
A cocky Care Bear steps forward.
Brave-heart Bear: No matter;
we will defeat him with our Care Bear St-
Frame 74
A .44 Magnum Revolver is placed to
Brave-heart Bear’s forehead and
cocked.
Gun (fx): Click!
Brave-heart Bear: Huh?
Frame 75
Another head is turned into a party
popper.
Gun (fx): Boom!
Frame 76
Anti-Care Bear stands over
Brave-heart Bear’s body.
Anti-Care Bear: Anyone else
wanna be a hero?
Frame 77
A bunch of blank faces, some
shaking “no.”
Frame 78
Anti-Care Bear strolls back and
forth, casually waving his pistol.
Anti-Care Bear: All
right then. Everyone over in the corner.
Frame 79
Anti-Care Bear cocks a smile to the
reader.
Frame 80
Anti-Care Bear: Tell you
what…I’m feeling generous; everybody lie face down
and count to one million…
Frame 81
A multi-panel panorama of a wasted,
gray Carealot, swept by radioactive winds and covered by a pall of
black clouds.
Caption: Later that
day.
Frame 82
Zoom in on Anti-Care Bear, standing
amongst the ruins, smoking once again.
Frame 83
Anti-Care Bear stands silent,
staring off into the distance, as if contemplating what he has done. He
takes a drag off the cigarette. Is that a tinge of regret on his face?
Frame 84
Anti-Care Bear puts out the butt.
He looks up again.
Caption: “Now to
take on the Smurfs…”
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