Horoscope

ARIES: You are the pioneer type and hold most people in contempt. You are quick tempered, impatient and scornful of advice. You are basically a prick. You seldom think others are good enough for you so you masturbate a lot.

TAURUS: You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged determination and work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and bullheaded. You are nothing but a goddamned communist. You have an intense love for whips and chains.

GEMINI: You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you because you are bisexual. You are inclined to expect too much for too little. This means you are a cheap selfish bastard. Gemini's are notorious for thriving on incest.

CANCER: You are sympathetic and understanding to other people's problems. Everyone thinks you are a sucker. You are always putting things off. That is why you will always be on welfare and won't be worth a shit. Most Cancers are frigid.

LEO: You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are pushy. Most Leos are bullies. You are vain and cannot tolerate honest criticism. You arrogance is disgusting. Leo people are thieving bastards and get their kicks from sniffing bicycle seats and kissing mirrors.

VIRGO: You are the logical type and hate disorder. This nit-picking is sickening to your friends. You are cold and unemotional and often fall asleep while screwing. Virgos make good garbage collectors.

LIBRA: You are the artistic type and have a difficult time with reality. Chances for employment and monetary gain are excellent because you are a rip-off. If you are male you are probably queer. Most Libra women are whores. All Libras die of venereal disease.

SCORPIO: You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You shall achieve great success because of your total lack of ethics. You are a perfect son-of-a-bitch. Most Scorpios are murdered. Scorpio women give good head because they have no morals.

SAGITTARIUS: You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a tendency to rely on luck since you have no talent. The majority of Sagittarians are drunks or pot-heads. You are almost always impotent. People laugh as you a lot because you are always getting fucked.

CAPRICORN: You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You are basically chicken-shit. You fear people and relationships. Most Capricorns prefer rubber dolls. There has never been a Capricorn of any importance. You should kill yourself.

AQUARIUS: You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progresive. You lie a great deal. On the other heand, you are inclined to be careless and impratical, causing you to make the same mistakes repeatedly. Everyone thinks you are a fucking jerk.

PISCES: You have a vivid imagination and often think you are being followed by the FBI and CIA. You have minor influence over your friends and people resent you. You lack confidence and are generally a coward. Pisces people screw small animals and pick their noses a lot.