Scientists Discover New Element
The heaviest element known to science was recently discovered by
university physicists. The element, tentatively named Administratium,
has no protons or electrons and thus has an atomic number of 0.
However, it does have one neutron, 15 assistant neutrons, 70 vice
assistant neutrons, and 161 assistant vice neutrons. This gives it an
atomic mass of 247. These 247 particles are held together in a
nucleus by a force that involves the continuous exchange of
meson-like particles called morons.
Since it has no electrons, Administratium is inert. However, it can
be detected chemically as it impedes every reaction it comes into
contact with. According to the discoverers, a minute amount of
Administratium added to one reaction caused it to take over four days
to complete. Without Administratium, the reaction ordinarily occurred
in less than one second.
Administratium has a normal half-life of approximately three years,
at which time it does not actually decay but instead undergoes a
reorganization in which assistant neutrons, vice neutrons, and
assistant vice neutrons exchange places. Studies seem to show the
atomic number actually increases after each reorganization.
Research indicates that Administratium occurs naturally in the
atmosphere. It tends to concentrate in certain locations such as
government agencies, large corporations, and universities. It can
usually be found in the newest, best appointed, and best maintained
buildings.
Scientists warn that Administratium is known to be toxic, and recommend plenty of fluids and bed rest after even low levels of exposure.
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