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Table of Contents:
DIRTY JOKES
(last added December 4, 2003):
1. What do you call a woman
with no arms and no legs who gives good head?
Partially disabled
2. A blonde and a bruenette
were sitting on the park bench when the bruenette said, "My
boyfriend used to have dandruff but then I gave him head and shoulders".
The blonde said, "How do you give a man shoulders?"
submitted by Jack Evans
3. A guy named Rameris woke
up and Rameris felt like a million bucks, I mean he felt good!!!!
He walked out to get the paper and the paperboy said, "Rameris
don't go to work you look horrible. You look worse then you ever
have!!!" Rameris said, "But I feel so so good!!!!!!"
So Rameris went to the post office to get his mail and the post
man said, "Hey Rameris don't go to work you look terrible!!
Hair is going everywhere off you and all that..."
So Rameris went to work and his boss said, " Rameris don't
even think about coming in here go to the doctor's right now!!!"
Rameris said, "I don't understand it, I feel so so good!!!"
He went to the doctor's office. The doctor walked into his office
and said, " Rameris what's wrong with you??? You look absolutly
horrible!!" Rameris said, "I don't know doc I feel so
good!!" The doctors said, "Well then, I'll put your
symptoms into my computer and we'll see what's wrong with you.
Your symptoms are looks-bad and feels-good."
The computer printed out a sheet of paper and the doctor said,
"Well Rameris it says here you are a vagina."
submitted by Jack Evans
4. What did Santa say when
he saw the three blondes?
Ho Ho Ho
submitted by Jack Evans
5. What goes blonde bruenette
blonde bruenette blonde?
A blond doing cartwheels
submitted by Jack Evans
6. What's the difference between
a broomcloset and a blonde?
Only 2 men can fit in a broom closet at once!
submitted by Jack Evans
7. What's the difference between
a bowling ball and a blonde?
You can only fit 3 fingers in a bowling ball
submitted by Jack Evans
8. Why are Jewish men circumcised?
Because women like 25% off
9. What's the difference between
an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?
The taste
submitted by Eric Scott
10. What quality does the best
secratary in the world have??
She never misses a period.
submitted by Jack Evans
11. A jogger is running, by
the lake, by the woods. He hears moaning off in the distance.
He runs over and discovers a woman propped up against a tree...with
no arms and no legs. He says "Can I help you?" She says
"I'm 29, have no arms or legs, and I've never been hugged..."
He feels sorry for her so he leans over, gives her a hug, and
goes on his way.
Another jogger is not far behind, running by the lake, by the
woods and hears this sobbing off in the distance. He goes over
to check it out and discovers this woman. He says, "Can I
help you?" She sobs, "I'm 29 years old, have no arms
or no legs, and I've never been kissed." He feels sorry for
her, and says "Well, I'll give you a kiss", and does
just that.
A few minutes later, another jogger comes along, jogging by the
lake, by the woods. He hears this loud wailing off in the distance.
He follows the sound and comes across the woman. "Can I help
you?" he asks. She replies: "I'M 29 YEARS, OLD, I HAVE
NO ARMS, I HAVE NO LEGS, AND I'VE NEVER BEEN FUCKED!"
So the jogger picks her up, throws her in the lake, and says "Now
you're fucked!"
Submitted by Cecil McKinley
12. What's the difference between
OJ Simpson and PeeWee Herman?
It only took 12 jerks to get OJ off.
Submitted by Eric Scott
13. What does a West Virginia
girl and the "Una bomber" have in common?
They've both been fingered by their brother!
Submitted by Chuck Keelean
14. Why do women have two holes?
When they get drunk at parties,you can pick'em up like a six
pack and carry them home!
Submitted by Chuck Keelean
15. A young girl walks in and
sees her mother in the shower. She asks, "What's that, mommy?"
The mother says, "It's a vagina."
So the girl says, "When will I get one of those?"
"When you're a teenager," the mother replies.
Later on, the little girl walks in on her father while he's showering.
"What's that, daddy?"
"It's a penis," he replies.
"When will I get one of those?" she asks.
The father says, "As soon as your mother leaves for work."
Submitted by Adam
16. What did one lesbian frog
say to the other?
You know we do taste like chicken
Submitted by Jack Evans
17. What do u call a closet
full of lesbians?
A licker cabinet
Submitted by Jack Evans
18. What do blondes do when
you tell them to part their hair?
The splits
Submitted by Jack Evans
19. One gay sperm to another:
How do we find an egg in all of this shit?
Submitted by Robert Closson
20. A husband and a wife were out enjoying a round of golf about to tee off on the third hole which was lined with beautiful homes. The wife hit her shot and the ball began to slice. Her shot was headed directly at a vert large plate glass window. Much to their surprise, the ball smashed through the window and shattered it into a million pieces. They felt compelled to see what damage was done and drove off to see what happened. When they peeked inside the house, they found no one there. The husband called out and no one answered. Upon further investigation, they saw a gentleman sitting on the couch with a turban on his head.
The wife said, "Do you live here?"
"No, someone just hit a ball through the window, knocked over the vase you see there and freed me from that little bottle. I am so grateful," he answered.
The wide said, "Are you a genie?"
"Oh, why yes I am. In fact, I am so grateful I will grant you two wishes; the third I will keep for mayself," the man replied.
The husband and wife agreed on two wishes: one was for a scratch handicap for the husband, to which the wife readily agreed. The other was for an income of $1,000,000 per year forever. The genie nodded and said , "Done!"
The genie now said, "For my wish, I would like to have my way with your wife. I have not been with a woman for many years, and after all, I have made you a scratch golfer and a millionaire."
The husband and wife agreed.
After the geneie and wife were finished, the genie asked the wife, "How long have you been married?", to which she responded, "Three years."
The genie then asked, "How old is you husband?", to which she responded, "31 years old."
The genie then asked, "How long has he believed in this genie shit?"
21. How many vietnam vets does it take to screw in a light bulb?
OF COURSE YOU DON'T KNOW!!!!! YOU WEREN'T FUCKING THERE!!!!
Submitted by Chris Kirkman
22. There was this businessman
who was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his
wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought he'd try to get her
something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn't
much like the idea of her screwing someone else. So he went to
a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought
about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another
man for him. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something
special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man
behind the counter. He explained his situation. The old man said,
"Well, I don't really know of anything that will do the trick.
We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but
I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks,
except -- " and he stopped.
"Except what?" the man asked.
"Nothing, nothing."
"C'mon, tell me! I need something!"
"Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is the
'voodoo dick.'"
"So what's up with this voodoo dick?" he asked.
The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out an old wooden
box, carved with strange symbols. He opened it, and there lay
a very ordinary-looking dildo.
The businessman laughed, and said "Big deal. It looks like
every other dildo in this shop!"
The old man replied, "But you haven't seen what it'll do
yet." He pointed to a door and said "Voodoo dick, the
door." The voodoo dick rose out of its box, darted over to
the door, and started screwing the keyhole. The whole door shook
with the vibrations, and a crack developed down the middle. Before
the door could split, the old man said "Voodoo dick, get
back in your box!" The voodoo dick stopped, floated back
to the box and lay there quiescent once more.
"I'll take it!" said the businessman.
The old man resisted, saying it wasn't for sale, but he finally
surrendered to $700 in cash. The guy took it home to his wife,
told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had
to do was say "Voodoo dick, my pussy." He left for his
trip satisfied that things would be fine while he was gone.
After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny.
She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her,
but then she remembered the voodoo dick. She got it out, and said
"Voodoo dick, my pussy!" The voodoo dick shot to her
crotch and started pumping. It was great, like nothing she'd ever
experienced before. After three orgasms, she decided she'd had
enough, and tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still
thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked.
Her husband had forgot to tell her how to shut it off.
So she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help.
She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive to
the hospital, quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the
way, another orgasm nearly made her swerve off the road, and she
was pulled over by a policeman. He asked for her license, and
then asked how much she'd had to drink. Gasping and twitching,
she explained that she hadn't been drinking, but that a voodoo
dick was stuck in her, and wouldn't stop screwing.
The officer looked at her for a second, and then said "Yeah,
right... Voodoo dick, my ass!"
23. This fellow named Sam has
been riding Harleys for 25 years and is finally sick of fixing
'em. He quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Vermont - as
far from humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week
and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise, it's total peace and
quiet.
After six months or so of almost total isolation, Sam is finishing
dinner when someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there's
a big, bearded Vermonter standing there.
"Name's Enoch...your neighbor from four miles over the
ridge...havin' a party Saturday...thought you'd like to come."
"Great,"Sam says, "after six months of this I'm
ready to meet some local folks. Thank you."
As Enoch is leaving he stops. "Gotta warn you there's gonna
be some drinkin'."
"Not a problem...after 25 years of Harley riding, I can do
that with the best of them."
Again, as he starts to leave, Enoch stops. "More 'n' likely
gonna be some fightin' too."
"Damn!" Sam thinks, "tough crowd...sounds like
the Redwood Run." "Well," he says, "I get
along with people. I'll be there. Thanks again."
Once again Enoch turns from the door. "I've seen some wild
sex at these parties too."
"Now that is not a problem," says Sam, "remember,
I've been alone for six months. I'll definitely be there! By the
way...what should I wear to the party?"
Enoch stops in the door again and says, "Whatever you want...it's
just gonna be the two of us."
23. What do a dildo and tofu
have in common?
They are both a meat substitute.
Submitted by Skyler Campbell
24. A Pole was suffering from
constipation, so his doctor prescribed suppositories.
A week later the Pole complained to the doctor that they didn't
produce the desired results. "Have you been taking them regularly?"
the doctor asked.
"What do you think I've been doing," the Pole said,
"shoving them up my ass?"
Submitted by Bob Farland
25. What is the difference
between big foot and a pussy?
One is hairy and smells bad, and the other one lives in the
bush
26. A Captain in the foreign
legion was transferred to a desert outpost. On his orientation
tour he noticed a very old, seedy looking camel tied out back
of the enlisted men's barracks. He asked the Sargent leading the
tour, "What's the camel for?" The Sargent replied, "Well
sir, it's a long way from anywhere, and the men have natural sexual
urges, so when they do, uh, we have the camel." The Captain
said "Well, if it's good for morale, then I guess it's all
right with me." After he had been at the fort for about 6
months, the Captain could not stand it anymore, so he told his
Sargent, "BRING IN THE CAMEL!!!" The Sarge shrugged
his shoulders and led the camel into the Captain's quarters. The
Captain got a foot stool and proceeded to have vigorous sex with
the camel. As he stepped, satisfied, down from the stool and was
buttoning his pants he asked the Sargent, "Is that how the
enlisted men do it?" The Sargent replied, "Well sir,
they usually just use it to ride into town."
Submitted by Marcus Johansson
27. A bus stops and two Italian
men get on. They seat themselves and engage in animated conversation.
The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first,
but she listens in horror as one of the men says the following:
"Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses, dey come together.
I come again. Two asses, dey come together again. I come again
and pee twice. Then I come once-a more."
"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly,
"in this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man, "Imma just
tellun my friend howa to spella Mississippi."
Submitted by Marcus Johansson
28. A girl goes into the doctor's
office for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices
a red 'H' on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your
chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard
and he's so proud of it he never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt,
even when we make love," she replies. A couple of days later,
another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse,
he notices a blue 'Y' on her chest. "How did you get that
mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend
went to Yale and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his
Yale sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies. A
couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As
she takes off her blouse, he notices a green 'M' on her chest.
"Do you have a boyfriend at Michigan?" asks the doctor.
"No, but I have a girlfriend at Wisconsin, Why do you ask?"
Submitted by Marcus Johansson
29. A guy walks into a bar
with a frog. He sits next to this really attractive lady, places
the frog up on the counter, and orders a drink. The lady says
"that's a disgusting looking frog you got there." The
guy says, "Yeah, well, lemmie tell ya something...this here
frog is THE BEST damned pussy eater you ever seen." The lady
is outraged and says so and then promptly gets up and moves across
the bar. A few hours pass and the lady has had more than her share
and starts thinking about the frog.
So she staggers back up to the guy and says, "OK, prove it!"
They run and get a hotel room. The lady gets nude and is lying
on the bed with legs spread open wide. The guy takes the frog
and puts it in position, then commands, "Go Homer!"
The frog lays there. He commands again, "GO HOMER!"
The frog still does nothing. He picks up the frog and tosses it
into the corner and says, "If I've shown ya once, I've shown
ya a thousand times...now watch how it's done!"
Submitted by Marcus Johansson
30. Superman is horny one day
so he decides to fly over to get it on with Wonderowman. As he
approaches her skyscraper, he notices her sunbathing next to the
pool on the roof. As he descends upon her he sees that she appears
to be having an erotic dream, for she is writhing and panting.
"What luck!", thinks Superman as he zaps off his uniform
and lets Wonderwoman have it with lightning speed. He zaps his
uniform back on and blasts off. Wonderwoman suddenly opens her
eyes and asks, "What was that?" The Invisible Man replies,
"I'm not sure, but my ass is sure sore!"
Submitted by Marcus Johansson
31. Three men are traveling
and need a place to sleep. They stop at a farm and ask the owner
if they can spend the night. The farmers says okay, but one has
to sleep with the pigs, one has to sleep with the cows and the
other has to sleep in a room with his 18 daughters.
The next morning...
1st Man- "I feel like a pig, I slept with pigs all night"
2nd Man- "I feel like a cow, I slept with cows all night"
3rd Man- "I feel like a golf course. I've been in and out
of 18 holes all night"
32. A teacher at school is
starting her sex education class. She draws a picture of a tit
on the board. She asks her class if anyone knows what it is? A
little boy speaks up and says they are titties, my mom has two
of them. The teacher says very good. Then she draws a penis on
the board and asks if anyone knows what it is? The same boy says
it's a dick, my dad has two of them. She says two of them? He
says yeah, one about this big (2 inches) he pees out of and one
about this big (6 inches) he brushes mommy's teeth with.
Submitted by Kenny Jacksom
33. What do a 747 and a peroxide
blonde have in common?
They both have a black box.
34. A black woman was sitting next to a white woman on an airplane. The white woman took out her jewelry box and put on all her gold, silver and diamonds. The black lady asked her why she did that, and she said because if the plane crashes, they will see shiny stuff, and I will be quickly rescued.
Then the black lady took off
all her clothes. The white lady asked her why she did that. She
said, "Well, you know when a plane crashes, they always look
for the black box first!"
Submitted by Judy M.
35. What is the difference
between a tribe of African Pygmies and the US Women's Olympic
Track Team?
One is a cunning bunch of runts.......
Submitted by Tony Hawk
36. Did you know there are 1.5 million battered women in the World?
...And I've been eating
mine raw!
37. Do you know why Barbie and Ken don't have any kids?
Because they come in different
boxes!
38. A lady was on her honeymoon and was so afraid of the first night in bed with her husband that she had her mother sleep in the next room. The husband, meanwhile, had an artificial leg that he had never told his new wife about.
Her man was already in bed and so the lady undressed and slipped in next to him. The next moment she started screaming "Mum! mum! Dave has only got one foot!"
"God your lucky!"
came the reply, "your father has only got 5 inches!"
39. Four nuns are waiting to get into the gates of heaven when the gatekeeper says, "Before you enter heaven you must confess your sins and then rub the sins from your body by touching the part of your body that comitted these sins into this bucket of holy water."
The first nun appraoches and
says, "Once I touched a penis."
"Very good, now dip your hands into the water" says
the gatekeeper.
The second nun approaches and admits to having seen a penis, and she splashes water into her eyes.
The third nun approaches and is cutoff by the fourth nun screaming "Wait! Wait! I want to drink some before she sits in it!".
Submitted by Ferris
40. Two Polish women were sitting on the front porch and one said to the other "Damn, my husband brought me home some flowers last night...now I'll have to keep my legs in the air all weekend." To which the other woman replied "Why don't you use a vase?"
Submitted by Brett Lang
41. A spaceship lands on Earth at a deserted gas station late at night. The hatch opens up and two aliens step out, a large one and a smaller one. They walk up to a gas pump and the larger says, "Take me to your leader."
The gas pump doesn't say anything. Again the big one says, "Take me to your leader." The gas pump still doesn't say anything. The alien starts to get pissed off. Finally he pulls out his raygun and says, "If you don't answer this time I'm gonna blow you into the next galaxy!"
The little one looks up and says "I wouldn't do that if I were you...he looks like a badass tough guy to me." The larger alien ignores him and asks the gas pump one more time. Of course, the gas pump still doesn't say anything, so the alien shoots and the pump blows up and sends the aliens flying backwards about a block or so.
When they get up the big one turns to the smaller one and asks, "how did you know that that guy was a badass tough guy?"
The little one says, "Simple...anyone who can take their dick, wrap it around their back, and stick it in their ear has to be a badass tough guy."
Submitted by Kyle Kingston
42. Two gays were walking down the road one day and see a dog licking his nuts on the side of the road. One gay man looked at the other and said, "Wouldn't you like to be able to do that?"
The other one said, "Yes, but I'm scared the dog would bite me."
Submitted by Dave Woodworth
43. What do an oven and a woman have in common?
You have to heat them both up before putting the meat in.
Submitted by Dave Woodworth
44. What do you call a prostitute with a runny nose?
Full.
Submitted by Dave Woodworth
45. Chuck and Danny, went camping
in the high mountains for several weeks. For so long in fact,
that they grew tired of one another's company and began to quarrel
daily. One morning Danny decided they should try a day apart and
proposed that he walk West and Chuck should walk East.
Chuck agreed and they planned to meet back at camp at sunset.
They set off in opposite directions with brisk strides.
Chuck returned first, started a fire and began to prepare supper. The sun was just a glimmer over the horizon and the first stars had begun to gleam before Danny struggled into camp with a weary smile. Tired as he was, Danny went for water and firewood, as the camp rules required. After supper was finished and the utensils cleaned, Chuck began to talk about his day.
"It was a wonderful day, my friend," began Chuck. "I walk farther up the mountain than we've ever been. About noon I found a wonderful little valley with a lovely, cold lake. I skinny-dipped a while, quietly ate some lunch and watched the animals come to drink and wash. Then I dressed and came back to camp. All in all, a great day."
Danny was real quiet like a man trying to hold on to a pleasant thought until Chuck asked, "How was your day?"
In a peaceful, dreamy voice Danny replied, "Marvellous! I walked downhill until I found a railroad track and followed it a ways. I saw a women lying near the track, all tied up. Man! What a great body! I untied her and carried her under the trees. We had sex several times. It was a little harder to get hard to get in that pussy each time and the last time I thought I would just pass out with the effort. But, I made it!!," Danny sighed with a soft, remembering smile.
By this time Chuck was almost beside himself with excitement. "Damn, man," he whispered. "Did you get a blow job, too?"
"No," said Danny with a frown. "I never did find her head."
Submitted by Richard Hood
46. A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing
among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of
$5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.
The first does a total make
over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon gets her hair done, new
make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely
for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive
for him because
she loves him so much.
The man was impressed.
The second goes shopping to
buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some
new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she
presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the
money on him because she loves
him so much.
Again, the man is impressed.
The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.
Obviously, the man was impressed.
The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.
Then, he married the one with the biggest boobs.
Men are like that, you know.
Submitted by Perry Smulson
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