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CLEAN JOKES (last added August 10, 1998):
1. Why is a hill like a lazy
dog?
Because a hill is an inclined plane. An inclined plane is a
slope up. And a slope up (slow pup) is a lazy dog
2. How do sailors get their
clothes clean?
They throw them overboard and then they are washed ashore
3. A man and his wife are sitting
on the couch and the man starts to get amorous. His wife pushes
him away and shakes her head no. The man asks his wife "Honey...what's
wrong?".
His wife says "I can't
darling, it's Lent."
To which the husband replies
"Lent? To whom and for how much?"
4. Why is Value-Jet not taking
any more reservations?
Because they're swamped!
5. What did one Everglades
alligator say to the other Everglades alligator?
Hey, the food's pretty good on these low budget airlines
6. Did you hear the US government
is going to issue three new kinds of bonds? The Clinton bond has
no principle, the Dole bond has no interest, and the Gingrich
bond has no maturity.
7. For you World War 2 fans,
here are some Italian war jokes submitted by Jim Paterson:
7A.The new Italian warships
have half of the portholes below the waterline. That way the new
Italian Navy gets a good look at the old Italian Navy.
7B. Italy goes to war like
the Brits go to the Olympics: it's not the winning that counts,
it's the taking part.
7C. Did you hear about the
sale of Italian rifles?
Never been used and only
dropped once.
7D. U.S.A. ships are titled
USS for United States Ship. United Kingdom Ships are titled
HMS for Her/His Majesty's Ship. Italian Ships are AMS
Well...it stands for...
At's A My Ship!
8. Why did 17 blondes go to
the movies?
The sign said under 17 not
admitted.
Submitted by Joe Marcantonio
9. How do you pick up a TWA
stewardess?
With a net
Submitted by leesto@aol.com
10. What movie were they showing
on TWA flight 800?
Forget Paris
Submitted by leesto@aol.com
11. What is white and brown
and has 5 legs?
A pit bull running from
a school yard
Submitted by leesto@aol.com
12. These three construction
workers, (a black, a Pole and a Mexican) were going to take a
lunch break. They were building a bridge, so they grabbed their
lunch boxes and went and sat on the top of this bridge.
The black guy opens his lunch
and says, "Fried chicken again?!! If I get fried chicken
again I'm going to leap off this bridge and kill myself!!"
The Mexican opens his lunch
and says, "Burritos again!! If I get burritos again I'm going
to jump off this bridge and kill myself!!"
The Pole opens up his lunch
and says, "krepla again!! If I get krepla one more time I'm
going to jump off this bridge and kill myself!!"
They all eat their lunch and
go back to work. The next day, lunch comes and they go back to
the top of the bridge to eat.
The black says, "Alright,
bologna and cheese!"
The Mexican says, "Alright,
spaghetti and meatballs!"
And the Pole opens his lunch,
stands up and yells, "Krepla again??!!!" and dives off
the bridge.
The Mexican starts laughing
his ass off.
"That's not funny",
says the black, "He just killed himself!"
"Yeah, but he packs his
own lunch!"
Submitted by Chris Kirkman
13. Three men are outside the
priest's confessional area talking about their sins while waiting
for the priest to finish. One admits to beating his wife up; the
second admits to gambling his wages away and the third admits
to committing adultery with a woman from the parish.
The adulterer goes into the
box and admits to his sin but refuses to name who he had committed
adultery with. The priest asks him "Was it Mrs. Richards?"
"No father," came the reply "and I cannot tell
you who it was." "Was it Mrs. Brown?" "No
father."
The priest then told the man
that he was going to get one more chance to confess properly and
if not he would be excommunicated for two weeks. "Was it
Mrs. Maclanahan?" asked the priest. "No father."
"That's it," said the priest, "You're excommunicated
for two weeks."
The man left the cubicle with
a big smile on his face. "How did it go?" asked the
other two. "Great," he said. "I got two weeks off
and three good leads!"
14. A guy stood over his tee
shot for what seemed an eternity, looking up, looking down, measuring
the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed. Driving his
partner nuts.
Finally his exasperated partner
says, "What the hell is taking so long? Hit the damned ball!"
The guy answers, "My wife
is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this
a perfect shot."
"Forget it, man -- you
don't stand a snowball's chance in hell of hitting her from here!"
15. President Clinton looks
up from his desk in the Oval Office to see one of his aides nervously
approach him.
"What is it?" exclaims
the President.
"Its this Abortion Bill
Mr. President, what do you want to do about it?" the aide
replies.
"Just go ahead and pay
it." responds the President.
16. A guy is caught by a ranger
eating a bald eagle and is consequently put in jail for the crime.
On the day of his trail, the conversation went something like
this:
Judge: "Do you know that eating a bald eagle is a federal
offense?"
Man: "Yes I did. But if you let me argue my case, I'll explain
what happened."
Judge: "Proceed."
Man: "I got lost in the woods. I hadn't had anything to eat
for two weeks. I was so hungry. Next thing I see is a Bald Eagle
swooping down at the lake for some fish. I knew that if I followed
the Eagle I could maybe steal the fish. Unfortunately, in the
process of taking the fish I killed the Eagle. I figured that
since I killed the Eagle I might as well eat it since it would
be more disgraceful to let it rot on the ground."
Judge: "The court will take a recess while we analyze your
testimony."
15 minutes goes by and the
judge returns.
Judge: "Due to the extreme
circumstance you were under and because you didn't intend to kill
the Eagle, the court will dismiss the charges. But if you don't
mind the court asking, what does a Bald Eagle taste like?"
Man: "Well your honor, it is hard to explain. The best I
can describe it is maybe a combination between a California Condor
and a Spotted Owl."
17. Two Poles are walking through the woods when they come to a huge hole in the ground. One guy, wanting to see how deep it is, throws a rock in and listens, but hears nothing. "Let's get something bigger.", he says, so they find a bigger rock and throw it in, but still hear nothing. "We need something even bigger.", he says, and so they look around and find a railroad tie. They pick it up and throw it in the hole. A second later a goat comes running up and jamps in the hole. "Stupid goat!", remarks the second Pole.
Just then a farmer walks up and says "Hey, have you guys seen my goat?".
The first Pole answers "One just jumped into this hole here."
The farmer says "No, that can't be mine.....I tied mine to a railroad tie..."
Submitted by Brett Lang
18. Why doesn't Mexico have a very good Olympic team??
Because any Mexican that can run, jump, or swim is already in America.
Submitted by R. A. Bailey
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