Return to Clean Jokes.
C.A.T.S.
Found At: http://www.andreas.com/catm
an.html
By Andreas Ramos
Cat User's Manual
CAT v.6.1b: Completely Autonomous Tester Manufactured by MOMCAT
User Installation and Maintenance Documentation:
Features:
Production Details:
After basic KIT construction, the unit undergoes six weeks of onsite
ROM programming and burn-in testing. Listed features are installed during
this period. Since MOMCAT uses local suppliers, there may be a variation
between individual units. Some of the units may not meet general standards.
MOMCAT's quality assurance may reject inferior units. Users may sometimes
salvage rejected units. Beware of Far East clones. These may violate import
restrictions.
Transportation:
A suitable transportation case should be used for transportation to
the operating site. Failure to properly ship a CAT unit may result in loss
or damage to the unit and serious injury to the user.
Installation Procedures:
Upon receiving the CAT unit, the user should examine the unit to verify
that all I/O channels are free of debris and operational. The user should
look for minor bugs in or on the system. Bugs are indicative of the MOMCAT
production environment. The user may manually remove any bugs. Bring the
CAT to operation in an environment temperature of 20deg C(+/- 3deg tolerance).
Use a quiet room with the primary user(s) present. Open the transportation
case and let the CAT unit autoexit. Initialize the self learning program
by displaying the output bin. The next step consists in displaying the input
bins. These should contain H2O (liquid state, room temperature, 99% purity)
and dry energy pellets. Immediately afterwards, you must display the output
bin.
If the user already has a CAT unit successfully installed, it may
be possible to download the BASIC routines to the new CAT. For the first
day or two, the CAT will stay in self learning mode. When the learn buffer
overflows, the CAT will autoswitch to sleep( ) mode. This is normal. The
MMU system will store the new information to permanent memory. After 72
hours, the CAT will be interacting with the operating environment. The unit
may often be placed in direct sunlight. If all basic environment requirements
are satisfied, the CAT system will produce a slight hum. This is normal.
A new CAT should not exit the primary site facility. Full portability
comes after extensive burn in. Some users never let the CAT unit autoexit
the site. The advantages are longer unit life and fewer bugs. Contact with
pirate CAT units may lead to unplanned BATCH iteration. Contact with untested
CATs may lead to virus infection. If allowed to exit, some CAT units may
try to port across a street. Fatal errors may happen. These errors are never
recoverable. Such situations are not covered by warranties. If you decide
to let your CAT out, it should have a READ_ME.TXT file with a system address
and URL.
Your CAT should have a system name. The name may have to be repeated
until the system can read it correctly. This lets you issue voice commands
to bring the unit to an online state. Many owners give their CATs a secret
password as well. You can also get the CAT's attention by booting the system.
While this is effective, it is discouraged. Too much booting will abuse
the system. The manufacturer is not responsible for injuries to the user.
Applications:
MOUSE is a killer app. This is pre-installed. At present, there are
few productivity applications for CAT. Many owners use their system for
game playing. CATs play best when they are young. Older units suffer a system
timing decay which leads to reduced response and flexibility. Some of the
better CAT games are:
CACHE
The CAT will CACHE a data code. Similar to the K9 unit game, but the
object code must be smaller.
MIRROR
Place the unit in front of a mirror and watch it attempt to parse
itself. Some units may ESCape. Reboot the system by calling its name.
STRING
The CAT attempts to parse a data string.
JUMP
Move the data string through the air. The CAT unit will reach new
heights of operation.
CHASE
Played between two CAT units or a CAT and a K9 unit. Units take turns
as one is the data and the other attempts to parse it.
DANCE and SING
Offer fishy data code to elicit a range of audio output.
Maintenance:
CATs will self recharge. This takes 20 hours in a 24 hour cycle. CATs
are self cleaning and require little user maintenance. Do not clean the
unit with alcohol or benzine-based solvents. This can lead to violent explosions.
A CAT unit should be taken once a year to a VET (Very Expensive Technician)
for a system checkup. Do not attempt to open a CAT. There are no user serviceable
parts inside. If a unit emits strange smells or sounds, it should be serviced
immediately by a VET.
You may examine the CAT system to determine if it has a male or female
scuzzy port. If the port is male, then the CAT unit may emit a non-toxic
aerosol. The VET can remove this component. CATs with female ports are plagued
by periodic heating problems. The VET can fix this permanently by removing
an internal part.
Caution:
CAT systems are normally user friendly. However, in certain documented
situations, a CAT may pose a danger to the user. Repeated jamming or obstruction
of air ports may lead to a CAT deploying its auto defense mechanisms. Do
not strike a CAT. Its CPU clock rate is over 500 mHz. Twin D-shaped five-pin
connectors have an average seek rate of 3 milliseconds. Children should
not poke anything into the CAT's I/O ports. CAT may BYTE.
In dry, cold weather, a surface electrostatic charge may build up.
To avoid electric shock, stand on an insulated surface. Do not operate the
CAT above water. This may lead to end-user damage. Carry a CAT firmly. Do
not swing it by its "tail".
Service Life:
As CATs become older, the learn program will recognize every situation.
The CAT may become too smart for its own good. The Ctrl key on many CAT
units is defective. CATs like to have their own toys. They often have hobbies,
such as bird watching or studying tropical fish.
If you properly care for your CAT, it will give you years of loyal
service. Many users get a second or even third unit. Most users don't need
the extra capacity, but they enjoy the ability to run complex simulation
games.
User Groups:
CAT users can find other users on the net news group called rec.pets.cats.
Lifetime Warranty:
The CAT unit is guaranteed against catastrophic failure. Nine coupons
are included.
Specifications:
Return to Clean Jokes.