Mining the Treasures of the Shabbos Table Notes

The Goals of the Shabbos Table

"When you have a goal, then you are going to have a better opportunity to reach it. If you don't really think about it as being a goal, then you will never get there."
• One of the main goals of a Shabbos meal is that parents and children should become close.
• Think of the word: Kedusha. This is a time to feel awe, feel holiness. You can come close to Hashem.
• Make the Shabbos table extremely comfortable and enjoyable for children. "A safe harbor, a safe haven."

Key Components to Reach Your Goals

"What are the key components that I can build into my Shabbos meal that will help me reach my goal?"
• Inclusion - which means to get everybody involved, from the youngest to the oldest. Like the Haggadah. Ask every child, according to their level, what they think about what is being discussed. Ask questions. If children's opinions, answers and ideas are validated and listened to, then they are going to want to participate at the Shabbos table.
  "Even if the guest is telling a story that is over the heads of the children, why not stop him in the middle and say to the children: "Let me explain the background to what this man just said" or ask the guest to explain it. That says to the child: You are so important."
• Child-Friendly. "This is not the time to test a child - it is an opportunity to let the child shine. One example is that every child gets a mitzvah note written by their parents that is read at the Shabbos table. It makes the child feel so special."
• Zmiros (songs). "You cannot imagine what Zmiros (songs) can do for the table."

Removing the Impediments to a Beautiful Shabbos Table

"What mitzvahs do we have on Shabbos? Almost all the mitzvahs are negative commandments. HaShem is telling us: Don't get in the way. I have the Kedusha. It is coming down. Just don't bring the anger, don't bring the criticism."
• "Criticism is an impedimet. A father who feels that if the son does something a little bit wrong, he is going to start yelling at him at the table, that is terrible. There is such a thing as overseeing and overlooking. So you want to oversee what is going on, but you want to also overlook. And you have to overlook certain things, because criticism is the formula for disaster ... refocus the whole concept of what the Shabbos table is like. And make it someplace where the Simcha flows. It's simchadik. It's relaxed."
• "Anger of any kind is terrible - and that is going to chase away the Malachim (angles). If they don't see that there is peace, we know the Malachim are going to leave.
• "You shouldn't ask some children questions about the Parsha, because either they are shy in front of the guests, or maybe they don't know it. So what you are doing is creating this incredible anxiety experience for that child. But maybe they are going to shine by saying a story. Maybe they can prepare a story, a Dvar Torah, or maybe a song. And you know what, if we come with all these expectations and then they are not going to be met, so our next reaction is to get angry."

Sholom Bayis

"The Yetzer Hora works very hard on Erev Shabbos to get people angry. Because when you get angry, the Malachim leave and the Kedusha evaporates."
• "If you are going to go into Shabbos having screamed at your children or your spouse and this is the tension that you are bringing ... if people are yelled at before Shabbos, by the time the Shabbos meal comes around they are unhappy. So I think that people have to realize that it is absolutely integral to really be very focused on sholom bayis and on treating and honoring their spouse in the most profound way. And the more they could increase kovod, honor to their spouse, the better it is."
• One thing that's pretty easy to do is to set the table early. Note: Try it late Thursday night when the pressure is not that intense. It's not that difficult then.

Length of the Meal

"Rav Wolbe said that one of the most dangerous things you could do to a child is to force him to do something. And the example he gave was sitting at the Shabbos table."
• "If they feel that all they can really give the meal, let's say is an hour and ten minutes, why not bentsch at that point, and officially end the Shabbos meal, and then go into a different mode called Oneg Shabbos? Which might be nothing more than moving to the other side of the table and having tea and cake with dessert ... and guests could leave if they want to. Or guests could come afterwards. At that point, if a young child wanted to go away, he would be welcome to go away. And they are not walking away from the Shabbos Table. We called Rav Shmuel Kamenetsky, Shlita, and we discussed the idea with him and he said he loves it."
• "Plan your meal in 3 stages. The first stage is because you would like to have learning at the table and that is very important. As quickly into the meal as you can, before you get into long discussions with guests, try to deal with the young children first. The second stage of the meal is really spending time with older children. And for older children, this is the time when you ask them to participate. And the third part is when you deal with the guests. And I think that way you are dealing with everybody's attention span.

  Note: This advice sounds like we are recommending learning through most of the meal. Most families are not capable of that and it would be counter-prodctive. Several Roshei Yeshiva have spoken about the problem that many people have nowadays of turning their homes into classrooms. It is important to note that children learn other very important lessons at the Shabbos table, such as how to respect a spouse, how to be careful with speech, and hachnosis orchim. These are crucial lessons that are learned subliminally by watching their parents behavior.

Preparation

"Always ask questions that children or guests can think about and give their own answer to, whether it is in halacha or the parsha. That is the key to getting them involved. Even when you are telling over a Dvar Torah, take an extra minute to figure out if you can ask a question and let the people at the table guess the answer." Prepare during the week. Examples of sources of questions and discussions:
• "Halochos of Brochos, Shabbos, and Shmiras Haloshon are excellent."
• If you learn Daf Yomi, you should keep your eye out for interesting Gemarahs, such as ethical priciples brought down in Agadita."
• "As an example of creating a question to be answered, I used "The Other Side of the Story." The sefer on dan l'chaf z'chus. I read the first half of a story and asked my children and guests to guess what the dan l'chaf z'chus is. They loved it.
• "Stories are wonderful, but it's important to read the story first and tell it over in your own words. The story will come alive that way. Ask children and guests what lessons they learned from the story.
• "Keep you ears and eyes open for anything you hear: whether at a shiur, on a tape, or in a sefer," and interesting news events. Ask your children what they think about it."
• "Shailos and Thuvas such as from the Igros Moshe."





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