Shidduchim- A Halachic Guide to Getting and Giving Information

The Chofetz Chaim said that, regarding a shidduch (marital match), people speak when they should be quiet, and hold back when the ought to speak up. The Soton, works both sides of the fence. In those who have important information that should be conveyed, the Soton stirs such a dread of speaking loshson hora that they hold their tongues. In those who are eager to pass on their fleeting negative impressions, he provides ample encouragement, warning them not to violate the Torah's prohibition against "standing by as a fellow man's blood is shed."

Since each and every one of us may be called upon at any time to divulge information about an individual or a family in regard to a shidduch, it is obligatory for us to become acquainted with the halachos of what is permissible for us to say and what is not. Furthermore, it is essential to know how to properly transmit those details deemed halachicly appropriate and how to obtain critical information ourselves when the need arises. Finally, it is imperative to know when to convey information. What is permissible to relay in the early stages of the shidduch process may actually be prohibited further along in the procedure without permission from a rav (Rabbinic authorigy).

When one is asked for information regarding a shidduch, one must be sensitive to the power wielded by every detail conveyed. Your words could easily be the sole cause of the shiduch being abandoned. Alternately, withholding crucial information could allow a shidduch to proceed, which migh trigger great pain for all concerned.

Ways to Respond: Answering Inquiries for a Shidduch

Four Questions to Ask Yourself Before Giving Information:

1. How well do I really know the person?
2. What is the source of my information?
3. How do I feel about this person?
4. What will happen to this information after I disclose it?

The Five Rules of Constructive Intent

1. Think through your response carefully.

   Are you sure that the information you are about to share is totally accurate or is it, partialy or totally based on secondhand information? This requires careful consideration, since many of our impressions of other people are actually based on secondhand information, it is important to give careful thought to this question before answering.

2. Don't exaggerate.

   Say only what you know to be one hundred percent true. Don't exaggerate or embelish. Even one word on negative exaggeration is forbidden and is slander. Thre is a big difference beween "he's quiet" and "he's very quiet".

3. Transmit the information with the express purpose of aiding a shidduch.

   It is crucial that your intent in transmitting negative information be for the constructive purpose of aiding a shidduch inquiry. If you are aware of important information that you know will disrupt a shidduch for someone you dislike, srtive to transmit the details strictly for constructive intent. The Chofetz Chaim said that in such a situation, it is incombent on a person to at least temporarily eradicate negative feelings from his heart so that he can transmit the information with the right intention. If you can't eradicate your negative feelings, you should refer the inquirer to someone who has the same information, without the negative feelings. Note: It is recommended that you decline to give information about a perosn you have dated.

4. Ensure theat the information is transmitted in the least harmful way possible.

   If this shidduch needs to be stopped, is there any way of stopping it wihout having to provide damaging details? Perhas the response "I don't think this particular shidduch is for you" would be adequate. Only if the inquirer persists, "Maybe I'll want the shidduch anyway. Please provide me with more details. I don't want you to be the judge." Only then is it permissible to pass on the apropriate information (provided that all the other conditions are met) and even then, strive to keep negative informtion to the absolute minimum necessary. If the person requesting the information will decide not to pursue the shidduch after you transmit a small portion of the information, then one must stop at that point, because any further information is not for a consructive purpose.

5. Weigh the amount of harm your information is liable to cause against its benefit.

   If you are aware that the person to whom you are confiding the information is indiscrete and will spread the details to others outside the sphere of the parties involved in the shidduch, you are prohibited by Halacha to say it. If the information is so serious that you feel the shidduch should not proceed, try to achieve that outcome through another means, perhaps by asking someone respected by the family involved to simply advise strongly against the match.

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