I was saddened by the abrupt departure of Mary2 in November, 1995 (see Secret Thoughts), and tried to see the lessons I was to learn. I understood her part, that her fears expressed in early October (see The Dream) had materialized, but knew that the lessons we co-create are for all parties involved. I did not miss the ego difficulties she had brought into our relationship, but loved her deeply, and missed our sharing.

I am so very fortunate to have so many dear friends, all aware of their own spiritual path, with whom to share life's experiences. We all seek the others' advice when questions arise, and none are afraid to speak candidly and openly. In this instance, one gave me quite an earful. She knew Mary2 well enough to understand her emotional state, and was aware of the Dream and the lessons we had shared to that point.

She was also aware of my learning of the fullness of the female emotional self (see Sex), and the shame I had carried so much of my life. She explained to me that the female emotional self is inherently intertwined with the intimate sexual self. My "hang-up" in this area had left Mary2 confused, for, though our relationship was complete, it was not "holy" in the sense that I had kept my wholeness from it. This had compounded her fear of her spiritual growth, for if what I espoused were true, there could be no imbalance in any area of life.

I knew her words were true, and I was devastated to learn that my own stupidity had driven away the one I loved so deeply. Worse, I had halted her spiritual growth, made her question the very thing that had led to her happiness of the previous months. We are our own worst judges, our harshest critics, and I am no exception. Though I know that "all things work together for good" (ACIM), my ego got into this one BIG time.

Having just learned of the fullness of love, the awesome power of the female emotional self, I now experienced the other side of it, the guilt, shame, anger at myself, loss, the fullness of grief. My mind went over and over my judgments, and the grief welled up more and more.

In the midst of this powerful emotion, I had an awareness that my logical mind was also giving me its arguments, reminding me that this was a learning experience, a lesson of life. I then became aware that I was withdrawing from the emotional state, was able to observe my grief, to reason rather than being overcome by emotion. I then CHOSE to go back into the emotion, and come back out. Again and again, I went into the fullness of it, and withdrew.

It wasn't until days later, after reviewing everything in my mind, that the lesson became very clear. We would never "choose" to withdraw from a positive, wonderful emotion such as love. So I had to experience a "negative" emotion, just as powerful, but one not "desired", in order to learn I had CHOICE. And if I had the choice to feel the fullness of grief, then I also had the CHOICE TO FEEL THE FULLNESS OF LOVE.

Further revelations followed, that the balance of the male/female energies allowed that choice (see Balance), and that the only thing stopping us from the full expression of our Being, our Love, was fear of feeling the negative emotions. And without that fear, Love just IS.