First things first – let’s get the record straight on the origin of the term “politically correct” or “PC.” It is, quite literally, a joke. The phrase entered our lexicon some years ago as an expression of ironic self-deprecation on the part of various Lefties, many of whom were keenly aware of their image as being too serious, too sensitive and way too humorless. Not that there wasn’t – and isn’t – plenty to be serious about. Like saving the world from the clutches of the NeoCons and the Talibangelicals and their dissembling pinhead President. But... that is another rant.

Point is, “PC” was self-referential and never meant to be taken seriously. Unfortunately, taken it was – highjacked, as it were, by the Right-Wing Noise Machine - and morphed into a dreaded opprobrium, much in the same way “Liberal” was demagogued into a four-letter word and "Purple Heart" was denigrated from a medal to a band-aid. Of course, now there is a new, thoroughly unfunny concept of “PC” in town - “America Uber Alles” - manifesting itself in the form of semi-literate bluster, patriotic pandering and obeisant groveling, all in the name of a "culture of life." Speaking of jokes. But...

So then, on to bicycling. I am, and have been for over 30 years, a bike commuter. Partly by design and partly through sheer good fortune, I am able to use my commuting time to actually improve my health. I have benefited enormously and - in the spirit of classic political correctness – made a positive contribution to our collective environment. Consequently, I sometimes feel like a superior person - which, of course, I am not - but it seems a harmless enough delusion and, since it actually helps keep me out on the road, I occasionally allow myself a measure of "PC" hubris.

And these days, a biker needs all the edge she/he can get. Bike commuting has never been particularly easy, at least not in a fundamentally bike-unfriendly city like Atlanta. (To clarify, we're talking streets here, not designated cycling/pedestrian paths.) But the explosive proliferation of SUVs (Satan’s Utility Vehicles) coupled with the increased use of cell phones while driving (which, short of playing with a loaded gun, is about the most unbelievably reckless activity imaginable), have made already risky roads into potential free-fire zones. Don’t misunderstand, I still love biking to work; but anyone looking to ride on city streets needs to have their shit seriously together.

Not to worry - I’m here to offer my own, possibly helpful "Rules for the Road." [NOTE: These pearls of sagacity are intended to supplement the conventional wisdom, such as: keep your bike in good repair; obey traffic laws; high visibility is good; hydrate or die; SPF 45; if you're not thin, avoid Spandex; etc., etc. All good advice, especially Rule #1.]

Rule #1: WEAR A HELMET - BOZO. Who cares if it makes you look like a mushroom - you’ll only need it once, like when you're forced off the road and over your handlebars. (I also strongly recommend riding glasses and some sort of left side-view mirror.)

Rule #2: TRUST NO ONE. I'm not trying to scare you, but it's essential to remember that all drivers are, at best, boneheads and, at worst, homicidal maniacs. (Incidentally, this also applies to you and me when we’re behind the wheel.) Treat them all as potential assassins. This is especially true of SUV drivers, most of whom inexplicably believe themselves invulnerable and thus exempt from the laws of physics. In reality, they simply have no bloody concept of how much space they’re consuming, especially on their starboard side, and are thus stupidly oblivious to your existence.

(Possible Exceptions to Rule #2: bus and truck drivers. They generally know their very large vehicles very well and may even be aware of your presence.)

Rule #3: KEEP EMOTIONS IN CHECK. Enjoy yourself; take pleasure in the breeze cooling your sweaty brow and blowing up your shorts. Oh yes, by all means. But anger? Rage? Not helpful, kiddo. And fear? No freakin' way. You help pay for the roads and are legally entitled to ride on them. So go forth in confidence and claim your rightful place out there.

By the way, as you ride, always assume that there is a vehicle close by on your port side and be prepared to stand your ground - they might not like it, but they will go around you. Also, sidewalks are for pedestrians; so stay clear, except in emergencies. Like when an asshole in an SUV turns right - without looking and with no signal - and forces you to jump the curb. (See Rule #1.)

Rule #4: TAKE NOTHING FOR GRANTED. This is especially important for commuting, since one typically covers the same stretch of pavement day after day. Road conditions and traffic flows change constantly, so take care not to switch to automatic pilot. Always be on the lookout for exit strategies and don't forget: a moving target is harder to hit. And NEVER rely on vehicle turn signals or lack thereof. Seriously.

Rule #5: DON’T BE A SHITHEAD. We bikers have enough to deal with without one of our own making it worse. For example, I've seen cyclists who ride in the center of a traffic lane instead of to the right where we logically (and legally) belong. This only serves to piss motorists off – and rightly so – thereby making life on the streets that much more contentious. For me, thank you very much.

Finally, I would be remiss if I did not address the important issue of "appropriate response." Sooner or later, you'll need a comeback for some idiot who, whether out of frustration, malice or a perverse sense of fun, yells uncomplimentary things at you. Over the years, I have experimented with yelling back (typically an epithet regarding their maternal relationship) and/or making colorful Italian hand gestures in their general direction. But I have only recently discovered the perfect and - dare I say it - politically correct response:

Blow them a kiss. Really. It'll drive 'em nuts and make you feel great. Heck, maybe even superior.

Have fun and be safe out there. Onward.