Use to be, there were three awards shows worth watching: the "Oscars," the "Grammys," and the "Emmys." (The "Tonys" didn't really count because they weren't broadcast for the longest time.) Then came an explosion, a plethora, a veritable tsunami of awards shows, most of them speciously conceived, badly written, and generally lame in the extreme. Except for the ones that feature a lot, but not nearly enough, skin.

All of which convinces me that I might as well get in the spirit of the season and offer up some accolades of my own. Let me state for the record that the following awards have been assiduously considered and painstakingly monitored by absolutely no one. Onward.

BEST NEW WORD
"Talibangelicals." Perfect.

AWARD FOR INSTITUTIONAL DELUSION - G.O.P. INELIGIBLE
Tough one, but... Al From and the Democratic Leadership Council (DLC) take the prize. In 2004, the Democrats ran a Liberal from Massachusetts for President, rang up about 56,000,000 votes, and came within approximately two percentage points of unseating a sitting President during wartime. So why did the Dems lose? Could it have been sleazy character assassination? Rampant fear mongering of the electorate? Voter fraud in the homeland? Nope. According to Mr. From, the culprits are none other than filmmaker Michael Moore and all the Progressives in the party who purportedly frightened otherwise passive Talibangelicals into voting by the arkload.

News Flash, Al: if it weren't for the Progressive wing of your party, this election would not have been close. It was Michael Moore, Bruce Springsteen, and millions of lesser-known Lefties who fired up the Kerry campaign while you and the DLC were still trying to figure out how to make the party appear even more like the Bushoids; which is to say, totally f**king useless. You want to emulate the Republicans, then become a Republican. Meanwhile, quit whining and blaming the people who actually care about what happens to the soul of the Democratic Party. AND WHILE YOU'RE AT IT, GET BENT!

(What, too emotional? Sorry about that.)

MOST UTTERLY APPALLING POLITICIAN WHO ISN'T HOUSE SPEAKER
No contest... the American Conservative Union has tapped soon-to-be ex-Senator Zell Miller (former Democrat, current hypocritical right-wing lackey, and prospective FOX News über-nutbar), to present the "Courage Under Fire" award to Swift Boat Veterans for Truth (a flotilla of liars and dissemblers, demonstrably without honor - in other words, Zell's kind of crowd) at the Conservative Political Action Conference's banquet. Wonder what's on the menu. I'm guessing Texas-Fried Chickenhawk.

MOST UNINTENIONALLY IRONIC MEDAL PRESENTATION
Goes to... the awarding of The Presidential Medal of Freedom to Paul Bremer, General Tommy Franks, and George Tenet by Maximum Leader George W. Bush. Really, this is like giving medals for "Best Supporting Actor in a National Quagmire" to The Three Stooges. In one swell foop, the highest civilian award in the land becomes a testimonial to gross incompetence. That's just sad.

MOST INCOMPETENT LEADER WHO ISN'T PRESIDENT
Slam dunk... "Dandy Don" Rumsfeld is in a league of his own. As a veteran myself, I guarantee that the last thing you want to hear is some lame-ass excuse for why you can't get the gear you need to keep your body intact, much less that it's basically your own fault ("... not the Army you might want..."). Talk about a ration of shit. But Rummy has the confidence of Exalted Defender George W. Bush who, incidentally, has an undisputed and continuing lock on:

MOST INCOMPETENT LEADER IN THE FREE WORLD
Too easy, really... and we still have the attempted dismantling of Social Security to look forward to. But let us not belabor the obvious. Let us instead take the high road and look at a few of the more sublime moments of 2004.

SPORTS - MOST SIGNIFICANT EVENT OF THE MILLENIUM
Landslide... the Boston Red Sox win the World Series the hard way: sweeping eight straight against the Yankees and Cardinals, arguably the two best teams in baseball. Now that's great sport and terrific entertainment, not to mention being fantastically nerve-wracking and wicked historic.

MOVIES - BEST MOTION PICTURE I'VE ACTUALLY SEEN
¡Viva Ché! "The Motorcycle Diaries" is an absolutely lovely movie. A biographical buddy film / road picture, this movie is beautiful, intelligent, and touching. And - say it with me now - progressive.

RADIO - BEST REASON TO LISTEN
¡Viva... Mexican Radio! No, I don't speak Spanish and probably never will. But I sincerely appreciate the proliferation of Spanish-speaking radio stations on the dial. Lots of good accordion music and even cheezy pop sounds better in Spanish. También, the commercials are tons of fun.

TELEVISION - OUTSTANDING ONSCREEN CHEMISTRY
I can't help it... I actually like both William Shatner and James Spader and they work together beautifully on "Boston Legal."

GRATUITOUS CELEBRITY REFERENCE - FEMALE
So shoot me... Marcia Cross, who plays Bree Van De Kamp on "Desperate Housewives," is totally hot. A real actress, Ms. Cross actually studied at Julliard and has performed Shakespeare. Plus, she's totally hot.

So there you have it - for what it's worth - and just in time for the Holidaze, too. I truly wish you all the very best. By the by, if anyone knows where I can find my FAVORITE BUMPER STICKER, please let me know. It reads: "Who Would Jesus Bomb?"

A number of you (well, one of you, but that's still a number, so...) have inquired as to the lack 'o' blog on my part. Truth is, I just checked the f**k out for a while. About a week before the election, I stopped listening to and watching the news, sent in my last campaign contribution, and voted early in DeKalb County, GA. Since then, I have more or less avoided politics in general and Brilliant Commander George W. Bush in particular. I am not alone.

But today is December 8, the 24th anniversary of the assassination of John Lennon by a born-again Christian nutcake, and I refuse to let it pass without noting an item from the not-so-distant past.

We are told that Americans are obsessed with "moral values." Ah, constancy. During the Vietnam Era (it never was officially declared a war, you know) some magazine ran a story on the "Silent Majority." At a time when people were dying by the bushel in a war based on a complete f**king lie, just as they are now, we read that what really upset your average American were "four-letter words." Talk about staying the course. Of course, the success of the Gay Rights Movement has altered the terrain somewhat, resulting in the appalling phenomena of queers who curse, and loudly, too. The republic is plainly doomed.

This is, of course, only one example of the strange spiritual malaise afflicting the country; people actually fret over dirty words and the personal lives of gay people while countenancing increasing poverty, obese youth, reality television, the militarization of Jesus Christ, and other appalling facets of life in 21st century USA. The problems we face are enormous and well documented; the solutions are expensive and require sacrifice, which no one is into, unless you count the men and women serving as cannon fodder for Bush's Holy American Empire.

So what's a fellow to do? Fortunately, there are scads of us (you know who you are) who are not inclined to capitulate to the American mullahs any time soon. In this time of institutionalized religious intolerance and patriotic banality, the resources for resistance are out there; it is up to each of us to figure out how to make use of them.

That's in the longer-term. Today, I'm revisiting John Lennon; not nostalgically but with a sense of renewal, something in tragically short supply these days.

I'll meet you further on up the road.