I love October in Atlanta; the clean, crisp air... the lovely autumnal foliage... the concomitant diminution of certain nasty insect populations. And as if that isn't enough, October is also an excellent month for television. New shows have premiered, and one or two of them are actually worth watching. New episodes of old favorites are being aired - finally - and sports are everywhere, including football (which can largely be ignored for another few weeks), NASCAR (which can largely be ignored, period) and the Major League Baseball Playoffs, which are always worth watching.

[Sports Note: It's hard to go against the Yankees vs. Cardinals in the World Series, but all the playoff games should be fun, especially ones involving the overachieving Atlanta Braves.]

But wait, there's more. October, 2004 is also chock full of special events, to wit: the ongoing conflict (quagmire, disaster, colossal screw-up) in Iraq; the "debates" that - we are told by pathologically unreliable pollsters - will sway the opinion of the 451 undecided voters left in America; and last, but maybe not, the much-awaited, long-anticipated, totally unpredictable OCTOBER SURPRISE.

In the spirit of informed civic intercourse so prevalent in our great country right now, I think it's worth speculating - and why the hell not? - on some interesting yet appalling possibilities for this lovely month. Naturally, I disavow any prior briefings from the CIA, inside information from CNN, or anything whatsoever from FOX News. Here we go.

Surprise #1 - The Capture/Killing of Osama Bin Laden
This is the Republican crusaders' Holy Grail. If the Bushoids can parade Osama, dead or alive, in front of a supplicant and rapturous media before November 2, the Dems are probably dead in the water. Naturally, the First Terrorist Crusade (my own sobriquet... whaddaya think?) would continue and no doubt escalate, but that would not immediately matter. So... will they (meaning the Afghans or Pakistanis, most likely) actually catch up with Bin Laden? Or... will Osama allow himself to be taken alive? It is, after all, in his interest that Bush be elected. Or... could it be that he is already in custody, possibly in Karl Rove's attic? I... have no clue.

Surprise #2 - Large-Scale Terrorist Attack on the Homeland
Code Red, anyone? In March, I opined that a dirty "nukuler" weapon detonated, presumably by foreign evildoers, in the Port of Miami might be perversely appropriate. Whatever happens (or doesn't) you can bet the farm that the Bush junta will continue its campaign of trying to render the electorate as fearful and insecure as possible. An actual attack couldn't help but aid that strategy. Not to mention mess up a lot of innocent people.

Surprise #3 - Shocking Personal Revelations about John Kerry
Less likely. Of course, it may not be possible to fully plumb the depths of the Bushoids inherent nastiness, but I for one believe that the "Swiftboat Veterans for Truth" calumnies are about as far as this execrable Republican strategy goes. Unless Senator Kerry and Jane Fonda have a love child named Ho Chi stashed somewhere. Nah.

Surprise #4 - Act of God
Since Bush has a direct hotline to Jehovah himself, this is not entirely out of the question. A cataclysmic earthquake on the West Coast... a class 5.1 hurricane in Florida... a giant sinkhole swallowing Texas... any of these could be used as justification for postponing, perhaps canceling the election. But why limit ourselves to such namby-pamby possibilities? In the words of the song "Jezebel," sung by The Golden Gate Jubilee Quartet: "Jehovah got angry, somebody got to die." So let's move right on to:

Surprise #5 - "The Rapture"
For those of you not familiar with this breathtaking bit of religious egotism, here's the short version. According to the highly hallucinatory and cinematic Book of Revelations, The Rapture will result in all the folks who are "born again" being miraculously and instantaneously taken straight to Heaven- do not pass GO, etc. - leaving the rest of us, that is to say the vast majority of humanity, to spend, oh, roughly 1,000 years wallowing in hell-on-earth (which the true believers helped construct, thank you) until... Jesus comes back and ends this failed little experiment called mankind once and for all. I think that basically covers it. You gotta admit, it would make an excellent October Surprise. And if it happens, "Ench Allah." But I don't think so.

Surprise #6 - No October Surprise
My personal favorite; a scenario in which no singular dramatic event takes the focus away from the increasingly unavoidable conclusion that George W. Bush is a spoiled, punk-ass, rich White boy and empty suit. Then maybe we can actually have the first free and fair Presidential election in this country since 1996. Granted, the entertainment value won't be quite the same, but that's a November Sacrifice I'm willing to make.

Whatever happens, remember: If you don't vote, don't bitch.

Hold fast.