Hidden beliefs, fast payoffs

keep us from getting

what we really want

By Deah Curry PhD

     As a species, we are very creative beings.  We can paint a Sistine chapel mural; take snapshots of galactic explorations; compose symphonies; whip up gourmet meals from leftovers; turn raisins into dessert wine; and do just about anything we set our minds to.

     Except keep our New Years resolutions.  Does anyone else see the supreme humor in that?  It wouldn't surprise me if one day science discovers a gene for self-sabotage. Even if the impulse for self-sabotage is written into our genetic code, there are ways to change that programming, once we really see it at work. 

Examples of the

Self-Sabotaging Impulse

     Maybe like me, you've caught yourself engaged in one or more of these dynamics from time to time:

   1. being addicted to struggle  -- doing things the hard way because of guilt or habit, when doing them the easier way is just as effective.

   2. believing change is too hard or inconvenient -- being reluctant to make time for new efforts in a busy schedule.

   3. giving up too easily -- one setback and you convince yourself you can't succeed, or that it's not worth it.

   4. waiting too late to start, then not having enough time to bother, and making excuses for not following through.

   5. worrying too much about what others will think of you, or whether they will like the change you make.

   6. secretly wanting out of a bad situation -- using self- sabotage to help you do what you can't assertively do because you have trouble speaking up for yourself.

   7. rationalizing or exaggerating reality because you have a strong need to avoid anger, resentment, shame or guilt.

   8. clinging to illusions that things will change on their own if you just let them be.

     No doubt there could be many other examples, but I'd bet that most of us can see ourselves in a few of the above. The first step towards changing this destructive impulse is to understand what self-sabotage is and where it comes from.

A Clue to Inner Conflicts

     From a psychological perspective, it's not a matter of will power or some other moral or even biochemical failing that sets off the self-sabotage dynamic.  It's the tension between explicit goals and implicit beliefs -- that is, between what we say we want, and what we unconsciously believe we can or should have.  Figuring out the beliefs that sabotage your goals provides important insight, but doesn't automatically create change.

    The second, more pivotal piece that's essential for lasting change is to shift the conflict between near term and far term payoffs.  Change efforts fail when the payoff for not changing is powerful in the near term, and/or when the payoff derived from completing the change is far in the future.  In other words, we mistakenly believe that a bird in the hand in the next 10 minutes is worth two in that flowering bush that you don't even reach until next year.

    For a change to become the new status quo, we have to be willing to surrender those easy, quick payoffs in exchange for a strong hope for, vision of, and belief in the satisfaction that will come when self-sabotaging ends. 

A Process for

Changing Beliefs and Behaviors

     There are many different formulas for overcoming self-sabotaging behaviors, and the best one in my experience as a therapeutic coach is the one that is highly individualized to your habits, payoffs, emotional baggage, goals, beliefs, energetic constitution, physical abilities, personal helpers, and life context.  Here's one way to start:

     1. Select a behavior or habit that you do that sabotages achieving a goal or having greater well-being.

     2. Make a list of all payoffs you get from sustaining that habit -- what does it help you have or avoid?

     3. For each payoff, identify the emotion attached or triggered when you think about changing the behavior.  Rate each emotion from 1-5 according to how powerful it feels when you ponder giving up the payoff.

     4. Write a goal statement and action plan in clear, concrete, do-able phrasing. Powerful goals and plans include (a) what you want to achieve, (b) in what time-frame, and (c) how you will recognize or measure small, successful progress as well as big goal completion.   Assess whether the goal is in your best interest in the context of your daily life and relationships, whether you action plan is realistic, and whether your incremental payoffs are powerful enough to keep you moving forward.

     5.  Try to uncover all the existing and potential beliefs that form the emotional obstacles to achieving your goal.  Decide if each belief is really true, or simply an illusion or someone else's opinion or preference that you've unconsciously absorbed.  When you think a belief is really true, examine it again and see if it's objectively real, or perhaps a story you tell yourself that could possibly shift if you create a new story with more powerful emotion.

     6. Consider the amount and type of energy -- mental, emotional, social, spiritual, physical, etc -- you have available for making the efforts required for change at this time. Assess your physical ability to incorporate new behaviors into your life that will help you shift the self-sabotage impulse.  Physical ability may range, for example, from the endurance to engage in an exercise program, to the financial resources to deal with the consequences of  leaving an abusive relationship.

     7. Enlist friends, family, professionals, and spiritual allies to help you sustain your goal, feel good about the emotional payoffs along the way, and work your plan so that giving up in the face of inevitable setbacks is not an attractive option.

     8. Finally - stick with your change efforts long enough to give them a real chance.

      Changing self-sabotaging impulses takes conscious, persistent effort.  Being creative about the goals, steps, payoffs, stories you tell yourself, how you use your energy, and the helpers you call on helps change self-sabotage into self-empowerment.