What is a toxic family relationship?

¶     When any member of a family feels emotionally, spiritually, or physically injured by a parent, sibling or extended family members, there is a toxic dynamic going on

¶     It's interesting that what some women, in particular, wouldn't put up with from a spouse, they take from parents or children. 

¶     Sometimes the best solution is to divorce your parents, or your kids if they are toxic to our emotional and spiritual health.

 

 

Can you give us some examples, from clients you've worked with?

¶     Example:  mothers who are hypercritical of their daughters to the point where the daughter's sense of self and personal confidence are shredded

¶     Example:  brothers whose childhood fights escalate into adult tangeants of sarcasm, power struggles and unfounded accusations

¶     Example:  sisters who compete with each other to the point of sleeping with each others spouses

¶     Example: parents who are so concerned with keeping up with the Jones that they neglect the emotional and spiritual needs of their children

¶     Example:  fathers who are interested in their sons only if the sons are carbon copies of the fathers in athletics, or career development

 

 

In your practice, how do you help clients in toxic relationships?

¶     Rebuilding self esteem and confidence are essential in most cases

¶     Being a supportive, nurturing coach for risk taking is usually needed

¶     Building listening and processing skills is helpful

¶     I help them connect with their own inner strength and intuition about whether to confront and work to change the relationship, or to sever ties and move on.

 

How do family relationships become toxic?

¶     Lack of boundaries, making other's responsible for your emotions

¶     Unrealistic, unfair expectations

¶     Untested assumptions over favoritism, jealousy

¶     Some family members are attracted to growth and change, others fear straying from the known

¶     Personality clashes and power struggles

¶     Differing perspectives on issues of trust, respect, responsibility, money, attention

 

 

Some people really dread the obligatory time with family during the holidays, don't they?

¶     Yes, holidays, birthdays, summer vacations, anytime

¶     The dread comes from expecting the next time to be like the last

¶     When many recurring "last times" have left us feeling run over by a truck, or sliced and diced by even subtle criticisms, it's reasonable to anticipate the worst

 

 

Can toxic relationships be made healthy?

¶     Yes if all parties value the relationship above individual personal need to be right or be in control

¶     If individuals truly listen to each other, and see the other's perspective

¶     If all parties can view each other with unconditional acceptance, not judgmentalism

¶     Someone in the relationship needs to take the risk to voice how the other's behavior makes them feel, not in a blameful, angry way, but in a solution seeking way

 

 

Thanksgiving is fast approaching.  What are some tips for listeners in a toxic family relationship?

1.     Decide if you really have to participate in the family gatherings.

--Ask yourself why?  What's the worst that could happen if you don't go? And what's the worst

    that could happen if you do?

 

2.     Consider whether opting out this year would feel freeing or binding to you.

---that is, would you be relieved not to attend, or would you feel guilty?

             ---if you'd feel relieved, you have you answer.  Don't go.

             ---if you'd feel guilty, examine what that's about…..guilty because

                 you think you'd be disappointing their expectations?  What do

                 you think should determine your choices----their emotions and

                 their expectations, or a gift of relief you can give yourself?

 

3.     If you decide to participate use some strategies to protect yourself

           as much as possible, such as:

a.  minimize your time at the gathering---go late, leave early

b.  remove yourself from dangerous discussions---leave the room

     or change the subject

c.  Say, this is a holiday, let's not talk about that now.

 

4.     Get agreements for boundaries in advance.

 

5.     Fortify yourself with a talisman, and guided meditations to allow unprovoked conflicts to not be absorbed

 

6.     Visualize being surrounded by a group of defensive tackles, or guardian angles, who don't let harmful energies projected at you to penetrate your energy field, and who prevent your energies from being drained away from you