A January 2004 Special Report from Liminal Realities and InnerJourneyWork © 2004 by Deah Curry PhD, Author of Healing Presence     It is impossible to avoid loss.  Loss comes in many forms, at all ages. Loss often brings us simple disappointment of frustration, but sometimes when the loss is profound, we experience grief.      We mourn for what is gone or denied to us, for dreams shattered and hopes vanished, for that part of ourselves we used to be before the loss, for that part of ourselves we wanted to be.    We mourn for the memory of something we once held as deeply meaningful to and in our lives.  Sometimes we are unconscious about being in grief, other times, consciously grieving is inescapable.     Examples of Losses That Adults Typically Grieve Unconsciously   Loss of job, or great career opportunity      ---when we just can't recover the same position in our field   Loss of the dreams and ideals of our youth      ---when reality forces us to make compromises   Loss of our self-illusions      ---when we realize we aren't having the life we thought we'd have or when we realize we aren't the person we wanted to become   Loss of community      ---when we change or quit jobs, move, or become chronically ill   Loss of material things that held deep meaning      ---when our parents sell the home we grew up in, etc.      ---when we no longer have the body or health of our youth   Loss of spiritual connectedness      ---to the cosmos, to nature, to other sentient beings, to a deity   Examples of Losses That Adults Grieve Consciously     Loss of childhood and college friendships, and peer relationships      ---through death or just getting out of touch   Loss of sibling closeness      ---through angry arguments, geographical distance, or death   Loss of parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, other relatives      ---through emotional / geographical distance or death   Loss of one's own children and grandchilden      ---through infertility, abortion, adoption,           perinatal or childhood death      ---through emotional / geographical distance, or adult death     Everyone grieves in their own unique way, on their own timeline.  Sometimes differences in grieving styles can cause tension in relationships and families when someone thinks someone else isn’t grieving enough, or in the “right” way.      There is no one right way to grieve. As a culture we have certain institutionalized ways of mourning a loss, although those usually apply to loss from death and not other types of losses.     The Range of Normal Feelings and Behaviors for Uncomplicated Adult Grief     Ï    Feeling sad, anxious, empty, depressed all the time for a few months to 2 years Ï    Inability to control crying, crying at seemingly unsad things Ï    Sleeping too little or too much Ï    Eating too little or too much Ï    Being uninterested in once enjoyed activities Ï    Feeling physically restless, or agitated without physical cause Ï    Having increased irritability without hormonal cause Ï    Having difficulty concentrating, remembering, making decisions Ï    Feeling fatigued, lethargic, or apathetic Ï    Feeling guilty, hopeless, or worthless     Although people grieve in ways unique to their personality, their belief system, their support system, and their situation, there are some gender-patterned tendencies that have been observed by researchers in the field of the psychology of giref.   How Women Tend to Grieve    Women tend to process grief in conversations with friends or family.  They show more sadness or behaviors of depression such as a decreased appetite and insomnia.  Women may cry easily at seemingly unrelated things.      Some women may be lethargic in the early months after a loss, as if not not having any energy for the activities of normal daily living.  While focusing on the past and wanting to remember, they also have the need to understand why death has occurred, or why at that time.      They may fear the loss of love from their spouse, partner or family, and show a need to frequently know others' feelings in order to regain some emotional security.  Women tend to feel hopeless in the face of death, and to grieve the loss of their own self-image or self-concept if those have been intricately linked with the deceased.     How Men Tend to Grieve   In contrast, men tend to process grief silently and alone.  They may have more denial, or displaced and angry behaviors that can be acted out through increased appetite, and needing to find an external place to assign blame.      Some men will sleep more than usual after a significant loss, and many will not cry or will have difficulty allowing themselves to show their tears.  They tend to have an unfocused or urgent energy in the early months after a loss, and to focus on the future, pressing themselves and others to move on.      They show a great need to fix others' sorrow, which helps heal themselves as well.  But they secretly fear a loss of a sense of personal power in the aftermath of loss, feeling helpless, and grieving for the loss of what they perceive to be their image in others' eyes.     Grief is a normal and natural process.  It is not clinical depression, although it is often mistaken for diagnosable depression.  Grief in many cases will resolve by itself if allowed to run its course without undue pressure to “get over it” and move on.     In many instances, however, individuals can benefit from grief counseling.  Grief counseling assumes that the bereaved is a normally functioning person who has had the wind knocked out of them due to an overwhelming loss.      The goal of grief counseling is to help the individual work through the tasks and stages of mourning in a complete and healthy way, to adjust to the loss without suffering more than the loss itself promotes, and to return to normal functioning with a deeper understanding of self as well as a meaningful appreciation for the person or situation that is now gone.     How can you know if you need a bit of grief counseling to help you through these dark days?   If you are having trouble getting a sound night's sleep for more than the  first 2  months after a loss, you may benefit from doing some grief work. If you are feeling overwhelmed, over tired, over irritable, and you have been stuck with these feelings for more than 6 months, you may see your life improve by doing grief work. Are you grieving the loss of a relationship or job? Has someone close to you passed away recently, or suddenly, leaving you devastated?