Collages

These first four collages were done my first year out of being 'homeless', in 1999. I had just moved into my current residence, and was just coming to terms with the reality that I would be on medication for the rest of my life. At that time, I had little or any self-belief in anything, let alone myself. I was simply in a mode of surviving...and I think shock. Mental Illness is a hard road...but combined with the blow to the soul that homelessness causes...I can't begin to express the depth of humiliation, degradation, and pain I was reeling from. The collages below - reflect the beginning of my journey back towards myself. My newer art is more refined and I believe, shows a healing. I leave these on the site because in them, even if no one else can see it, I know there are seeds for hope. Click on each image for 800 x 600 view

The Rape

At the time, I had a vague memory of a babysitter coming into my room at night while my parents were out. I remembered that I was angry, after he left my room, that I couldn't stay awake. This initial memory has been with me since my pre-teen years. It wasn't until last year, that I remembered the rape. It wasn't until a few months ago that I remembered the details...he had sodomized me. It happened when I was 11 years old...I am 40 years old now. This is called 'repression'.

It's Over

As I went through life, I sought out men whom on some level I felt would 'provide' for me. I mean this in the sense of giving me a sense of identity. Usually these individuals were driven, highly talented, temperamental, and completely emotionally unavailable. Since I had no real sense of self, I would focus on my looks to define my worth. I carried myself as 'eye-candy' and was treated as such. This collage is both about how these men made me feel and about how I let them do it.

Artemis & Persephone

During the my childhood and through my adult years, it was reinforced to me that being a woman wasn't 'good enough'. That to succeed in a man's world, you had to think like a man. To think like a woman was weak, and would result in failure. Over the years, I had come to despise women (myself) as being weak and I alienated myself from almost all of my female friends. My therapist and I had been discussing the role of Goddesses in history and she stressed the power of women and their thought process...in a sense, she was giving me permission to own my own power and heritage. This collage was my first step towards that acknowledgement.

The Wedding

The Wedding is one of my most recent collages. All of my life I have held the view that to be 'normal' and accepted by my peers, I needed to have the love of a man as proved by a wedding. I had built up an entire wall of beliefs so strong around this concept, that no man could ever measure up...indeed, nor could I . The wall came crashing down recently and this collage was born out of the debris. I won't say that I still don't want to get 'married'...but I can say that I've learned enough about myself by now to realize that after we're married, this unknown man and I, I want him to go home and live in his own house. <Grin!>

The challenge in portraying the struggle of my recovery is not to dwell on the pain...that would be too easy. Rather, the goal here is to show my voyage towards self-awareness and life with managed bipolar illness from the perspective of my art. The first two images, The Rape and It's Over, were done while in the initial stages of my diagnosis. I had just begun taking medication and was just beginning to face and confront my fears and self-perception.

Subsequently, the images were 'born' from the emotion I was currently experiencing. I didn't employ technique or consciously attempt to form a theme for perception...I just put on paper what was in my mind the quickest way I could. In fact, my therapist had suggested a time limit...30 minutes of cutting out images that appealed on an immediate level and another 30 minutes putting it together. These first two were the result of two such art therapy sessions.

The following were created using Photoshop 5.5 and my own Photography, in the early summer of 2006. I love collage. As with the Altered Book series, each piece has personal symbolism and meaning that undoubtly won't be felt by the viewer. As in the above samples, all of my work reflects my growth as a woman, Mother, and always, survivor of mental illness....at least I hope it does! <G>

Tree Goddess under the cover of 'darkness'

Oak Tee - Life Force

Lamb's Grace

Darin's Discontinued

Home

*The Rape* At the time, I had a vague memory of a babysitter coming into my room at night while my parents were out. I remembered that I was angry, after he left my room, that I couldn't stay awake. This initial memory has been with me since my pre-teen years. It wasn't until last year, that I remembered the rape. It wasn't until a few months ago that I remembered the details...he had sodomized me. It happened when I was 11 years old...I am 40 years old now. This is called 'repression'.
*It's Over* As I went through life, I sought out men whom on some level I felt would 'provide' for me. I mean this in the sense of giving me a sense of identity. Usually these individuals were driven, highly talented, temperamental, and completely emotionally unavailable. Since I had no real sense of self, I would focus on my looks to define my worth. I carried myself as 'eye-candy' and was treated as such. This collage is both about how these men made me feel and about how I let them do it.
Artemis & Persephone During the my childhood and through my adult years, it was reinforced to me that being a woman wasn't 'good enough'. That to succeed in a man's world, you had to think like a man. To think like a woman was weak, and would result in failure. Over the years, I had come to despise women (myself) as being weak and I alienated myself from almost all of my female friends. My therapist and I had been discussing the role of Goddesses in history and she stressed the power of women and their thought process...in a sense, she was giving me permission to own my own power and heritage. This collage was my first step towards that acknowledgement.
The Wedding The Wedding is one of my most recent collages. All of my life I have held the view that to be 'normal' and accepted by my peers, I needed to have the love of a man as proved by a wedding. I had built up an entire wall of beliefs so strong around this concept, that no man could ever measure up...indeed, nor could I . The wall came crashing down recently and this collage was born out of the debris. I won't say that I still don't want to get 'married'...but I can say that I've learned enough about myself by now to realize that after we're married, this unknown man and I, I want him to go home and live in his own house. <Grin!>