There are six billion souls on the planet. What accounts for their individuality? Why is it so difficult to pick the winning
numbers in the million-dollar lottery? What makes us choose one path and not the other? How do we find our true heart's delight?
I was born Curtis Carlisle Bouterse, in a small town in the Kentucky bluegrass where my father was a country preacher.
Carlisle had a population of about 1200 people then, just about the same as now. Six months later the country was at war and
my father joined the navy as a chaplain. My mother took me to live with her people in east Tennessee where my sister, Lee,
was born. My father was among the half of the crew that survived when his ship was sunk off Guadalcanal. By the end of the
war we were all in central Florida where both families lived.
For the next twenty years we (eventually five children) travelled at the will of the navy: Pensacola, San Diego, Hunter's
Point, San Diego, Port Hueneme, Sanford, Naples, Clarksville, San Diego, ending up at Camp Pendleton. I went to three different
third grades. I was always the outsider, which complemented my natural bent as a loner. But I watched, and listened, and studied,
We were a musical family, my parents both sang and played instruments. My father was raised in the Salvation Army band
tradition and my mother played piano and had been offered a singing career. My father never needed to find a church organist,
he brought one with him. When my sister was two and I three, we were singing in church together. I sang harmony behind her
beautiful melody voice until we left high school.
In the early 1950's, while we lived in Naples, Italy, I used to listen to the radio and its strange musics from all around
the Mediterranean. If I had known I would end up studying that music as my profession I would have listened more carefully.
The streets were abuzz with sounds unfamiliar and beguiling: laborers whistling and singing melodies more like Africa than
Europe, bagpipers still came down from the mountains at Easter, street vendors--on foot or in horse carts with steel-rimmed
wheels rumbling over the cobblestones--called out their wares in snatches of tunes or spun long melismas of song which echoed
down the stone-lined streets, awakening me before dawn.
While in junior high school in Clarksville, Tennessee, I heard my first Elvis Presley (not too impressed), Fats Domino,
and Little Richard havin' him some fun tonight (very impressed). I listened each morning to a local radio program that played
bluegrass and country music between the farm reports, but my favorites were the old time fiddlers liberally sprinkled in.
In 1957, in my sophomore year of high school, my father brought me a hammered dulcimer back from Hong Kong. I quickly
found out quite a bit about it but had no one to teach me how to play it, so I taught myself. I figured out that players in
the US would probably have adapted fiddle tunes so I began trying to find out what the instrument could do. A few years later
I heard several recordings from the Library of Congress over KPFK in Los Angeles which set me in the right direction. Around
1961 I met Sam Hinton and Stu Jamieson who both encouraged me to concentrate on the traditional repertory. The rest is history.
Being a musician was never a choice, it was like eating or breathing. But I did have to decide how to support myself. In high
school I only knew of two music professions: performer and composer. I didn't think I wanted to be a performer and I certainly
didn't want to be a composer and starve in a garret. So I turned to my other loves, history and anthropology. I came up with
what I thought was the perfect compromise: I would teach for a living and make music my avocation
While I was in the service after I graduated college, I thought a lot about having to do things I didn't really want to
do and decided that after I got out I would pursue my true heart's desire, no matter what. In the interim I also discovered
there was another musical profession which combined music and history--wow! I had been drawn to early European music since
my high school days, so I decided I would be a musicologist.
It didn't take me long to discover that the musicological field was mostly made up of historians and not musicians. It
seemed that you had to choose between making music and just talking/writing about it and neither group had much truck with
the other. It reminded me very much of what I saw in folk music: singers and scholars generally lived in different worlds.
But people like Sam Hinton and Stu Jamieson reassured me that the twain could meet.
The aspect of both folk music and early music that bothered me the most was the singing style. Having heard traditional
singers growing up, I knew they didn't sound at all like John Jacob Niles or Richard Dyer-Bennett. And Alfred Deller and Hugues
Cuenod singing medieval and Renaissance songs sounded a lot like Niles and Bennet, which made me wonder if early singers had
really sounded like that either. I began listening carefully to traditional singers from all over Europe and they sounded
like my Italian memories, and even a little like singers from Kentucky or Arkansas, but nothing like any of the recordings
of medieval and Renaissance music I had heard. I became convinced that scholars and performers were singing up the wrong tree.
As I began to coordinate my musical and historical and anthropological studies I realized that one could never get to
the root of the problem from one direction only. It would be necessary to study the entire community or culture, in all its
diversity, to fully comprehend the musical phenomena. All my background and experiences seemed to come together in a brilliant
awareness: an epiphany. A few years later I discovered there was a name for my idea: ethnomusicology, and it had already been
around for a decade or more. I felt like the second guy to discover the wheel.
I shouldn't have been surprised. Throughout my life I had been interested in things that no one else around knew anything
about. So, I had been forced to research things from scratch myself, often coming up with different conclusions from orthodoxy.
Many people accused me of 'reinventing the wheel.' Since we were itinerant and not rich, growing up I used to make my own
graph paper and music staff paper. I didn't know you could go to the store and buy the stuff! I still have the tendency to
make things I need before asking if they are otherwise available. I guess you can take the country boy out of the country
but... It's probably the combination of the independent East Tennessee and the hard-headed Dutch parts of me.
Passion has always directed my life. As much as I am devoted to analyzing, reasoning, and puzzling out, I tend to throw myself
at problems and challenges. When I was collecting early iconography to support my research into medieval musical instruments,
I went to the university library and, over a period of months, leafed through every book in the art section looking for illustrations.
When I couldn't find the proper musical instruments for my medieval group I began making them. I still do.
The other side of passion has been less constructive for me and something I have only recently come to deal with. It
is now clear that for almost thirty years I was clinically depressed. I didn't recognize it at first: I just thought I was
tired or was having a bad day, or week. When I finally realized what it was I would not ask for help. That was partly, in
my view, because at the time there was only 'talk therapy.' And I figured I was just as smart as they were and I could tell
myself the same things they would, for a lot less. So some days I didn't get out of bed, or I stood by the floor heater with
the heat coming up my back for hours. I withdrew, and since there was usually no woman in my life, no one knew. And, eventually,
the period passed and I was back to my usual sunny self.
That all changed when I came back to San Diego from Baltimore in 1990 and began working for the Welfare Department. Things
went downhill fast. The demands of the job, the lack of support from bosses, the needs of truly desparate clients, all sent
me into a tailspin. I would go home sick almost every day: headaches, diarrhea, panic attacks, all got worse and worse. One
day I was sitting at home, watching a commercial from the phone company. A young soldier returning to his country home early
in the morning, tiptoes in and brews coffee in his kitchen. As his family, one at a time, comes downstairs to greet him, I
realized I was sobbing uncontrollably. I decided to reach out and touch someone. I called our mental health services the next
I went on medication for a couple of years which probably saved my life. I eventually was able to retire from that job
but I have learned my lesson. Mental health is no different from physical health. Just because an illness happens above the
neck doesn't mean it should be treated differently from one below the neck. We humans pride ourselves in our mental abilities
and, by so doing, we have imbued the brain with supernatural qualities. The brain is, indeed, an amazing organ, which we
have only begun to explore. But it is an organ, in many ways no different than the pancreas. The ancients believed that Love
resided in the liver. Maybe they were right. (That would explain my love life after my childhood hepatitis.) But with all
we have learned about brain chemistry, to turn your back on help for depression makes just as little sense as trying to cure
your own heart disease or AIDS.
I write this not to elicit sympathy or purge my demons but to encourage anyone who feels they may be depressed to ask
for help. It is not a sign of weakness but of strength and intelligence to know oneself. If you have tried medication unsuccessfully
in the past, try again: new drugs are being developed constantly. The other aspect is the social. Group therapy, along with
your medication, will radically shift your old world view. It is unbelievably liberating to walk into a group of people who
are suffering in the same way you are. You will find instant brothers and sisters. Everyone who is depressed feels they are
alone or crazy. That is not true and a group will help you understand that and grow into the person you should be. After my
recovery I felt like a new man, or like my 'old' self. I am very passionate about this and would be willing to talk to anyone
who is having questions.
I still haven't decided what I'm going to do when I grow up. I've spent most of my life pursuing knowledge and very little
trying to apply any of it to making a living. Consequently, I find myself chronically unemployed. When I was in college (the
first time) I saw most people rushing for the door so they could get out and find a job. My Preacher's Kid upbringing had
spoiled me for that approach: I knew all about the eye of the needle. But, in addition, I was curious about all these people
who were going to work for a company for 25-30 years and retire at age 50. I wondered what they would do with the last half
of their lives. I determined I would prepare myself for the entirety of my life, planning on living for ninety or a hundred
years. (My father turned 90 this year.) I didn't figure on not being able to find a teaching position at age 60. But it's
been fulfilling nonetheless. And I'm still learning.
I suspect, however, that delaying my monetary gratification has been a factor in my love life. I have been extremely fortunate
to have been loved by more beautiful, intelligent, funny, charming, passionate, experienced women than I ever imagined possible.
If one of them had, perhaps, been a little less intelligent I might have convinced her to marry me. But I think my lack of
prospects has been my undoing. However, hope springs eternal and I continue to be optimistic about my chances. They say that
men are at a premium in the old folks' home.