miss tj's blog -- chronicles of a fat girl

Going out is harder then I thought. On Friday I did a lot of venturing - I went to DA's RegionalFood&Drink near Chinatown to meet up with some Wellesley Young Alumnae at our happy hour gathering that I set up do my role as the Young Alumnae Coordinator for the Wellesley Washington Club. The happy hour was fun and I gab a lot which I am trying to do more but some times I don't know when to shut-up. When I get nervous or tired I gab, gab, gab - quite embarrassing but I just don't know how to stop.

But enough on that let me tell the other details of the night...so after the happy hour I could've went home but I decided to paint the town red. I went out with some more folks and we went to Cafe Citron in Dupont - where I scored a sweet parking space, got a great table -- it was my night!!! I had a couple of drinks, learned how to attract a man from a hot Brit and got fondled a couple of times - what could be better??? I didn't get home until close to 4 AM. I am living it up y'all - living it up and now soooo tired.

|

I went and saw "The Passion of the Christ" last night. The movie was breath taking, highly charged emotionally - I was spellbound. I didn't move in my seat during the entire film, which is rare because I am a fidgety person - but I was awestruck. Tears came and flowed with such ease, I felt human again. I felt like I had heart and passion once more. I felt loved. Never in my wildest dreams would or could I imagine a film being able to bring such emotion, but this film did. Others may have felt similarly because throughout the film one could hear others crying both male and female. But if you choose see for yourself.

Advice for those going to see the film - get to the film early so one can obtain a good seat and food might not be a good thing to have during this film. I noticed upon leaving the film most of the folks that came in with food ended up throwing it all away at the end of the film.

|

Some opinions I wanted to share:

1. Halliburton's new commercial with the executive speaking about Halliburton doing what they do because of what they know versus who they know is a bunch of bull!!!

2. Gay marriage will not go against and/or hurt the current vision of marriage today. My vision of marriage as with most folks I know is marriage is a short interlude before a bitter divorce. For the love of Earth, we have a Vegas commercial of two people getting hitched and they don't even know each other. Britney Spears getting married for 55 hours was just as important as an attack on our troops in Iraq. Why deny someone else our current glorious impression on the sanity of marriage in this current society???

3. An e-mail campaign to Mary Cheney trying to suggest that she come out and express her views on gay marriage alone is pointless. Overall who cares what Mary Cheney feels - her voice alone will not turn two-thirds of Congress, her voice alone will not turn 38 of the states to go against the Federal Marriage Amendment. Lobbying your congress persons asses off will!!! Getting out there will!!!

4. Yep, I am a Christian and I believe in personal freedom. I believe that God and only God has the true ability to judge someone. What I do, if it does not affect you personally should be of no concern to you. I sin, you sin, we all sin regardless of anything - and I believe with all my heart that is what Jesus died for - TO SAVE US ALL.

Due to my belief I know what salvation is but I can't save you - you can only save yourself. Now if your belief is different from mine I can't persuade you to my belief - I can share my belief with you and hopefully my passion for my faith will make you ponder and maybe see things the way I do and come to believe the way I do. Your connection with God comes through your own heart and mind, I can't force my belief on you.

4. I believe we all make this world revolve - if we are good to our neighbor, express our opinion with some amount of respect and live and treat our own body well this world would be a much happier, safer and better place.

|

I'm a prude and proud of it and if y'all got a problem with my prudeness then pucker-up to my big black fat butt. Now don't get me wrong I have had my un-nun like moments but they are far and few between. And my dress can we say is quite conservative -- I do not show cleavage and I don't wear tight clothes on purpose (I have an occasional tight jean moment but that is because my ass is ever expanding). And to top it all off I been told I look conservative and I know I come off as conservative so please, please, please explain to me why I continue to meet folks "in-person" (on-line freaks don't count) who feel the need to tell me all the "glorious" things they would like to do with me and/or my body.

Do I have the face of a person who looks like she always wants to "get her freak on"???

Update: I realize after my post that no person deserves the type of comments I am posting about, unless they where a sign that states this is what they want.

|

I was blessed to be able to view "City of God" this weekend. The movie was brilliantly shot and edited. Most times during the movie I felt very caught up in the drama. I had heard the movie was "quite violent" - I didn't understand in whose terms why the movie was "quite violent". The movie was no more violent then any of our American blockbuster action movies. But, since "City of God" was based off a true story I guess the violent aspects of the movie hit closer to home for some. Viewing "City of God" has brought back my desire to view more films of "worth" -- There was a time when my outlet was to see at least one film a week - it brought me such joy. But, finding films that moved me as well as made me think became rare and the need for this outlet and making time for this outlet faded.

I think I will take some time out this week and view "Osama" and "The Passion of the Christ"

|

The time has come for me to get out and meet new people and jump on the bandwagon of dating. If I don't things will begin to dry up because I am getting older. I need to get my chips up and the only way to do this is date like a man. I need to average about 3 dates a week (this does not include sleeping with these guys -- so every friend I have you can now breathe normally). But I just need to get out and date.

Hanging with the ladies last night (all seven of them) at our "Pool and Flirting" evening the realization hit hard that I am "evil" - After some in-depth conversations on what one looks for in a partner, I furthered realized that I don't look. I'm 27 and I have liked one person in my whole life and loved none. Part of living is loving and that includes learning to love those who are not apart of your inner circle. This will be extremely hard for me because I don't trust easily. And worse off, I always think the worst of folks. I except miracles or ESP or "new-ness" -- For example, when it comes to compliments, if you state, "You have a nice smile." I thank you, but deep inside I am like - C'mon, couldn't you come up with something better like – "I love that eyebrow arch" - anything is better then 'nice smile' - Now, I just realized this is this persons first time telling me that I have a nice smile, he may not realize I hear it everyday. That I hear it so much one would think I was a walking "Crest" ad and that I am just plain bored with it. The compliment to him may be small talk and endearing gesture and I shouldn't be so harsh internally and take the compliment as such.

So a new leaf will try to be turned and I will try and be nicer so I can get my chips up and start dating like a man, so maybe just maybe I will know what this thing called "love" is - or maybe heavy like.

P.S. Marshall, you are correct - we were eight very beautiful ladies sitting together. You made flirt night real easy and we didn't even have to work to hard at it.

|

"I was born between urine and feces" -- Dr. West

"Oh, the chicks and *gays* have taken over" M. Moore

"Let freedom ring to bling-bling...a major drop" Dr. West

"Let them leave the White House in a perp line" M. Moore

The thing I love about pledge time on community based programs is the great items they publicized to get one to pledge money. For example, "Democracy Now" has played recent Dr. Cornel West and Michael Moore speeches. It is exciting to hear these men speak. I don't always agree with their viewpoints but I love the fact that I have an outlet to hear them on (Go Pacifica Radio!!!). I love the fact that I live in a country where ones views no matter how outlandish they may seem to another, can to be heard. If my listening to Michael Moore upsets you or my reading of his book upsets you, that's fine - call me a traitor. However, you don't know what traitor is, if you think my right and privilege to read or listen to certain items is prohibited by your standards - whatever!! I suggest you walk away and focus on what is happening in Haiti. And please remember when I bought the Michael Moore book on my credit card, all of my information was sent to the FBI so they are tracking me, so you don't need to.

I have a voice - I don't spout tradition - I spout truth.

|

Man, oh man, my poor little brain is fried...I went back over the past few days and looked over some of my bitter rants a.k.a. posts and saw massive grammar mistakes. Redoing this database for my job is draining what little bit of intelligence I have – Hopefully, my brain will begin to function properly when I launch the database on Monday, February 23, 2004.

In other news, I went to a Leading Ladies event last night with LH and had a blast. The event “Champagne and Chocolate Reception Honoring Enterprising Women” was held at The National Museum of Women in the Arts. The guest speaker the Honorable Henrietta Holsman Fore was brilliant. Ms. Holsman Fore has been accomplishing many a great things since her departure from Wellesley (Woo Hoo another Wellesley-ite!!!) – I was extremely impressed by her background and glorious accomplishments, but more so by her humbleness. I am amazed at women who are able to accomplish so much in such a short amount of time. For me my biggest battle is trying to get my “young” foot into the Board of Directors door. I would love to serve on a non-profit company board (then one day not only a not for profit company board but for a for profit company board as well), but when I meet people and discuss my passion I hear the same thing “Oh, sweetie you’re so young you have time.” But in reality I don’t – I have plans, dreams and goals and each day I get older, the less time I have. I want to experience all sides of business but when I express this I get the grandmothers cheek pinch and told to try again later. Ms. Holsman Fore stated I shouldn’t take no for an answer and keep pressing on and find the one person who would listen AND help. This is easier said then done – but I will press on to get to my ultimate place.

On a side note, Lindt chocolate is damn good!!!

Here are some things that are REALLY getting on my last nerves:

The Halliburton commercial -- Good Lord, there is something wrong with this company to actually blast American TV with ads stating how Halliburton helps the American troops with this, that and most importantly communication...the commercial closes with a young troop on the phone, on the verge of tears learning that his daughter has just been born. Give me a break Halliburton - the only communication you want to sponsor is not letting the world know you over-charged and over-charged the Pentagon for those contracts.

The anti-Kerry commercial on our current president’s re-election site. I don't think Dubbya has the nerve to call some one unprincipled!!!

Dubbya telling America he is going to create jobs here at home but pushing to "re-vamp the international market" by letting American companies establish millions of jobs overseas...mostly for cheaper labor.

The Quiznos commercial with the "crack-addicted" looking rodents telling me to come and eat at Quiznos -- Damn Gross!!! Those rodents remind me of Bush and Cheney.

George W. Bush using our troops to seek revenge on Hussein for the possible assassination attempt on his father George H. Bush -- Be bitter but don't send our men and women to war on supposed WMD.

I did it!!! I went and got my hair braided - I am NOT use to all this hair as of yet and still very uncomfortable in my skin, so uncomfortable that I am being overly sensitive to everyone's comments. I have expressed to some that I am still not sure if I like it as of yet - their response, "I don't like it" - "It's cute" - "It doesn't suit you" - blah, blah, blah. Now I am all for honesty and if you don't like something I do or wear, I am so cool with it. But, for some reason this hair thing has got me down. I really feel like crying when someone tells me that “the braids don’t suit me” or they “don’ like how the braids it looks on me, but on someone else it might be better.” Damn-it people there just braids - nothing to spectacular, just braids in a long bob. What is it that is so different??? Is it the extra hair, is the aversion to the braid itself - who knows and in all honesty I shouldn't care - but I do at the moment. I don't know why I care because usually I would take the comment regardless if it was good or bad and respond with a polite thank you and move on. But, when someone tells me “instead of getting THOSE braids I should cut my hair short and do the wash and wear” and I respond that "I have been there and done that. And I don't like the wash and wear look for me." Don't go into a lecture about how this would best suit me when you have NEVER EVER seen me with the wash and wear hairstyle. I have a fat face and that wash and wear style never did look good on me, I looked like an effeminate boy. Now with processed short hair - I looked sassy, but un-processed just call me T.J. and not wonder.

P.S. A gripe with my people – Take a cue from white folks, they respond to your “ethnic” hairstyle as “oh, so cute” or “interesting” or ask questions of how long it took and queries of how it is done and junk like that – Never unless they are VERY brazen tell you that your hair would look better on someone else.

I am sure I have lost my mind. I am walking through the Crystal Underground checking on my glasses that I broke. I am in a bit of a mood because I love those glasses and I am unsure how much it is going to cost to fix the lenses that I cracked in half. Three men in a fit of glee walk by me laughing. If I had a sarcastic remark to make I would usually keep the remark to myself, but no - out of my mouth comes a mocking laugh. Now it wouldn't be a problem if it was slight and small, but no it was obvious and LOUD. Folks stared at me and I gave them glares of death/evil. There was no reason at all for my behavior. I woke up on the right side of the bed this morning. I was mostly in a good mood - I don't know what came over me.

Yesterday night a good time was had. After a bad afternoon yesterday, I went out to Happy Hour with some of my work peers, friend and her associate. It was so much fun!!! The best thing about working in the defense industry is the old guys we work with. They are hilarious, they curse, they drink, they tell great stories and most days they foot the bill - who can beat that!!! This happy hour was interesting because it preceded a charity Bachelor/Bachelorette auction for The Susan B. Komen Foundation so the guys (who were all married) were cracking jokes and trying to get the all the women at are table to go up and auction ourselves off as a marketing campaign for our company. They were a riot and a much needed break from the hum-drumness of my workday. So I don't know where the mocking came from because I am still on a high from yesterday.

Clark has left the bid for the White House up to some other men. I'm disappointed because I felt he was the right man for America at this time, but I understand - at this time in our history, one needs to be financially able to run for President. This is sad, but true - one day it will change.

Who knows how the bid will turn out after Wisconsin - regardless I will NOT support Dean. The only way I would ever go to the polls and vote for Dean is if he won the Democratic seat. And I would do it with apprehension. I don't trust arrogant men and mostly arrogant men who are smart as well - Dean is the latter. Now as I have stated in the past I know Kerry, I understand his politics - he was my senator when I lived in MA, but I wasn't feeling him - I like the man and have similar views to his, but my gut told me he's not the one. I try and follow my gut and Clark became my choice do to our similar view points, but also because he understood international policy and protocol (to some extent – but more than the others) and we need someone with an international head at this time. Also, I knew Kucinich wouldn’t make enough of an impact to win the bid. And honestly, Kucinich is an old little man. Regardless of what my gut said - Kerry looks like he might when the seat. Kerry, if he wins the seat and had any common sense will choose Edwards or Clark as his running mate. But only time will tell.

In the meantime, I will go back to my little fantasy of Clark being our next President, Kucinich as his Vice President, Kerry somewhere in the cabinet and me being the Press Secretary.

I'm an odd duck for sure. I have a weird sense of humor that some folks I totally understand now just don't get. I sent this outrageous e-mail out about a quote I heard from "The L Word" and how it might apply to my life. Eight of the ten recipients told me I was wacko, one person didn't respond at all (maybe I scarred her) and the last person I'm guessing was trying to figure out was I being serious. When sending out the message I figured everyone would know that I was being my usual random sarcastic self and just go "Why are you so stupid???" Or reply in jest and wish me good luck with my endeavor. Never in a million years did I think anyone would take me seriously - I just lied, I did think one person might take me a tad bit serious because I haven't known this person but a millisecond, but he just called me stupid and pointed out that I was lacking at least one major thing to make my pondering true.

But, this isn't the first time this misunderstanding has occurred - I sent an e-mail out about rejection and the same two people responded as if the e-mail was my way of stating I was worthless. I guess I could take the concern for my well being as flattering but in all reality my ego was bruised -- they don't think I am as funny as I do.

I guess I should attach a disclaimer to my e-mails that state, "I am joking, seriously joking!!! Unless I tell you that I am using this e-mail to accurately display hurt, anger, frustration or downright moodiness please take the e-mail in jest. For the love of God I am a sarcastic individual and I don't truly mean what I am writing."

Do you think the above disclaimer will cover any further misunderstandings???

Growing up I wasn't allowed to have a relaxer - I was doomed to have conrows until I was in 8th grade. I hated it!!! All the other girls, white and black had those asymmetric hair-cuts, rods and all the other cool hairstyles. Then by a sheer miracle my parental unit let me get a press and curl. A whole new world opened up!!! I was able to semi-fit in with those brazen heifers (sorry bitter moment).

I got my first relaxer, my first-year of college, it was glorious and horrific at the same time. My relaxer hurt like no tomorrow -- who knew I had such a sensitive scalp but, my hair was straight, super straight -- white girl straight. I would get teased by friends that I was getting the "super relaxer" because my hair was so straight that it wouldn't even curl correctly. But, after many trips to different stylist I finally had my hairstyle down-packed, then one day out the blue I am sitting in the chair of my stylist and the words "cut if off" came out of my mouth. For two-years I sported a short do. It was a cute little style and many compliments received. But, I missed ponytails, the option to skip a hair appointment if I chose to.

So I regrew my hair and have been battling with every sense. It has taken forever to grow back and I look like I have a layered haircut, when I don't -- my hair is still sassy though. And to be honest I hate getting relaxers now, they are wicked expensive and killing my hair. I want to go natural. But, who would have thought going back to the way God made me would be such a pain. I have received some great information but I want to go "poof" and my hair is a mass of curly, thick, natural curls - but, no this can't be. Everything takes times and everything is a process. I think I will try the braids route for a while.

I am so bored and I don't really have any reason to be. I have tons of work to do, I have books to read, things to watch on TV and movies to see. So how come I am so bored??? I didn't even have any motivation to go on my weblog this weekend and write all I could about the upcoming primaries -- I guess the writing inspiration will come on Wednesday when I see who came out in front on Tuesday. Also I didn't even talk about how much fun it was to get out of the house this weekend and see "Barbershop 2" with friends and catch up on "The L Word" thanks to On Demand by Comcast Cable.

Why the hum-drumness - am I still moody or is it something bigger that I have yet to put my finger on??? Who knows - but I hope someone will tell me so I don't have to spend to much time thinking about myself!!!

P.S. Am I a lesbian because my ring finger is longer than my index finger???

Well my doctor's appointment is over and done with and it took me about 3 hours to recover from the tsk, tsk, tsk sound that came out of the skinny twit's mouth (let me be bitter for another hour). But, I am going to try REAL hard to do better because in the end the only person I hurt when I eat the wrong foods in mass consumption or on a regular is me...ME, ME, ME!!! Hey if I want to keep my hip until the day I die I need to do better.

My weekend looks okay -- I have meeting tomorrow morning, some errands and bills to pay, I am going to try a new church and I have a book club meeting for "The DaVinci Code" by Dan Brown. I haven't read the book yet but I don't really have a life so I got time before Sunday evening. And it gives me an excuse to goof off and hit the link I found on lil fille danse (The DaVinci Code Web Quest) - Woo Hoo!!!

Here I am working on my database for the trillionth time, rebuilding and doing semi-okay because it didn't crash today. But all of a sudden my rework isn't working, nothing is working - its crashing on me. My heart begins to race, my eye begins to twitch and I causally get up out of my seat, take my credit card, get on the elevator to the ground floor, open the door and stand in long line -

"What would you like today ma'am?"

"A large chicken carbonara with extra sauce."

"Extra sauce!!!"

"Yes!!!"

More waiting, time for me to run.

"Total, 8.67"

Cash register ringing, the image of the Quiznos commercial that I hate running through my head - I'm utterly digusted at myself. I don't even like Quiznos.

"Sign here"

"Thank you"

I go back to my office and I eat half of the sandwich before I to get sick, so I open up the Vanilla Coke can and drink that to submerse the ill feeling. That doesn't work. I close my door and lay on the floor for about 15 minutes to regroup. I get up and I know the Snickers bar is in my bag - I should just go ahead and get it over with and eat the damn thing -- What's 13 more grams of fat when you probably just consumed 50 grams??? But, Will Power introduces himself and he tells me to sit down - write what I did in my food journal and move on. Yes, you have a doctor's appointment tomorrow, you aren't feeling so good about your decision to quench your anger in food, you are physically ill - but you can get pass this. And you will...

Good Lord I am worn out today. I didn't want to leave my warm bed this morning. But I did and now I am suffering. My hip is killing me - folks I am in so much pain. But I am the one to blame on this one. Being in this funk I haven't worked out as much as I should have and now my body is suffering. When I go to the doctor tomorrow she is going to rip me a new one - there is no way I can get around it. I didn't lose between 3 and 4 pounds over the last two weeks. I am going to get a tsk, tsk, tsk, when she reads in my food journal that I had a Snicker's bar and diary products. And when she finds out my joints are bothering me now more then ever - she will be livid.

I don't know why I continue to do things that make me suffer. I must deep down inside not want to get better. I thought I had made a vast improvement when I could only overeat to quench my fear, quench my anger and quench all that is negative on Wendy's, Checker's, Taco Bell, caesar salads, cake, soda and Snickers. I guess the fact that I sometimes overeat to try and fill a void regardless if I am selective is still wrong. But, what does one who is addicted to food do??? Maybe I should try Overeaters Anonymous.

This whole run for presidency from the Dems has been so very exciting. I remember when I first heard about Dean, I admit my interest was peaked. I went to his blog on a daily basis and read and read and read. He had a vision, but I wasn't convinced it was my vision. I knew Kerry -- I lived in MA for nine years. I was familiar with his politics, I liked him and I still do - but I wasn't feeling him enough to go ahead and swing my support his way. Then Clark came along - I was excited, overly excited but still I wasn't firm with who I was going to back. I knew about Dick, Joe, Edwards, Carol, Sharpton and Kucinich, but no one person pulled me one way versus another. Then I narrowed my search for the candidate to back -- Shaprton, Clark and Kucinich. I sat down and went through each persons record (or what was public of it) their ideals, their vision and I made a choice -- Clark!!! Now Clark has taken Oklahoma with a narrow lead, trailed in other states behind Kerry, but I don't jump camp and go to Kerry - I stay with my man and encourage him and encourage others to learn more about him. But my Deanites are looking down in the mouth because of Dean standings in the primaries and caucuses -- Don't!!! If you still want Dean in the White House in '04, you have fight to the very end for him. I am going to fight for Clark because I think he is the man that can help America!!!

Life is complicated and it is even more complicated when you aren’t 100 percent sure of yourself. But, who the heck is 100 percent sure??? I know these things to be true - I love my job even though it drives me crazy. I love my family even on the days when I want to move to another country so remote I would only be able to talk them all, once a month via a conference call for only 5 minutes. And even though I am not the healthiest because I choose not to eat better on a consistent basis – I love my body and me. Those are things I am sure about. What I am not so sure is - why are my emotions so up and down??? Is it because I think too much??? Maybe I should just be care free – Eat whatever the hell that I want and become as big a hotel, tell people where they can shove it, never go to work and watch TV all day long.

I wonder how long I would last if I did the aforementioned - I have enough in my savings to pay my bills for a while, but if I eat whatever I want that would cut my savings in half. But, if I don’t I have a job – I won’t have health insurance, unless I go on Cobra and that junk is expensive, so that gives me a month before I drop. A month or three months isn’t a long time – so I better figure out why I am so moody and get in under control before I actually try and entertain the above absurd pondering.

THE PATS WILL WIN and THEY DID!!! 32 - 29, in the Pats favor. Who is the greatest team -- THE PATS!!!

I was looking rather sporty in my Mr. Hot Tom Brady jersey this evening. I ventured out with YR to a DC Young Professional meet to watch the PATS whop the Panthers asses!!! The Super Bowl meet was at D.A.'s RegionalFood&Drink near Chinatown. The DC Young Professional meet area SUCKED!!! There was not a peep in the house, it was horrible and I needed to be rescued. So I rescued myself and moved to the main bar where we argued, semi-fought, semi-flirted (not me) with the other patrons. It was a good time to be had. And best of all -- I ended up meeting an old high school friend. Much fun ladies and boys, much fun!!!

And let's not forget -- Janet's boob and nipple ring all a showing. Much better than Britney' little kiss, much better!!!

I am excited to report, that I had the great pleasure to attend my first "The Sistahs (And Brothas) About Reading Club" meeting. Everyone was so nice and inviting and I am glad that I ventured out and did something new, and didn't even have to bring a buddy. The book being discussed was "It's a Thin Line" by Kimberla Lawon Roby. I must admit I was not at all excited by the book from the first four chapters. I was sooo ready to put the book down but I knew I had to be at this meeting and I couldn't slack on my first meet - so I pushed through and was pleasantly surprised. The book contained much drama, some characters grew and some stayed the same but I feel that the book could teach some, some lessons. I am truly looking forward to further book meets.

P.S. Almost finished "Dombey and Son" by Charles Dickens for my Washington Wellesley Club Literary Circle meet on Monday. I don't know how pumped I will be, since I will be recovering from all the Super Bowl madness especially since I KNOW THE PATS WILL WIN!!!