Subject: How many Kliks to Zimbabwe?

Date: 02-May-96 at 04:31

From: Uncle Terry, 73060,2661

Well, fans, we're not gonna try to keep up with Lisa in number of postings, but since you don't really care who won the RSA-Aussie women's game, we'll try to address more important stuff. In this reporter's opinion the key to that game appeared to be the Mandela-landers warm-up exercises. They gathered in a circle and did something resembling the hokey-pokey, and that's what it's all about. Of course, the fact that the similarities between the team and the Green Bay Packers go beyond the team colors probably doesn't hurt either. Then again, the Afrikaaners won all the games in France also; except the one that counted. So, if they aren't mindful of that, then it's the job of us sports journalists to remind them.

Speaking of South African teams, as expected their Master team did it's job on the US Masters, but only by 13 goals, thus enabling us to only slightly break our goals against record with 23 for the day. The game did help us solve the mystery of the pictures on the local money. On the various bills are pictures which some people think are lions, rhinos, and water buffalo. Others believe they are past SA presidents, and I had thought they were various renditions of the queen. But the truth is out-- these are members of the SA Masters team. You haven't experienced hockey bliss until you have had a 220 pound (100 kg) man, who can swim twice as fast as you, curl in front of you, turn your head around like Beetlejuice, and bulldoze over you as if you were just another tile on the pool bottom. So far this tournament, the third place scorer on their team has only a few more goals than our entire team (which is led by Cid "Fanman" Vicious).

But the game was not a complete loss. At halftime, Duke and Thea provided cold beers for our thirsty squad, which made the second half much more bearable. Unfortunately, the officials were miffed that no refreshments were brought for them, so penalties were rampant in the 2nd half.

That evening, the representatives from Zimbabwe invited us to their digs for a traditional barbecue. While some wondered if that meant we were likely to wind up in a boiling pot, most of us were enthusiastic. Especially Chairman Mau, who was on a roll which started at the SA halftime. The Chairman continued endearing himself to the local underclass when, as we loitered outside the hotel for the gang to get together, we were approached by a fellow asking if we had any spare change. While most of us mumbled "no, not me", etc., Mr. Mau was more proactive. As the fellow turned his way, he responded, "yeah, I have money, but I'm not giving it to you, you fucking homo". With this positive attitude, and someone mumbling about giving firewater to a chinaman, we set off to the Zimbabwe homestead. Or, we tried to set off. You see, we didn't have any written instructions, Buddha Joe having given all the written copies to other cars (and we understand they were in error, anyway). So, armed with Joey San's pinpoint recollection, we set off north. After a while, someone determined this was wrong, so after stopping to ask directions we then headed south. After about an hour of driving, I noticed that we were passing the tournament pool. Since the pool is about 5 minutes from the hotel, this concerned me slightly, but I said nothing. (how unlike Uncle T--mj). As we stopped for directions, the occupants were restless, but felt much better after watering the bushes outside some luxury beach hotel. We then set off north. After about 15 kliks, we exited and tried to follow the directions someone had given to us at some point. As you might expect this proved futile, especially since the exit we were supposed to take was another 15 kliks northward. Faced with an unruly mob and, incidentally, quite hungry our driver, Mrs. Paul, made an executive decision and stopped at the first place we could find which appeared to serve food. There we consumed huge steaks, and had the kitchen cook the dozen lobster tails (freshly caught 3 days before by the Masters team) which we had been taking to the barbeque so people would be glad we came. Finally, toward the end of dinner, the Chairman passed out, and we quietly drove back to the ghetto beach hotel.

And now, Mojo will tell you about the party we missed.

Meanwhile, those of us who had had the forethought not to trust Joey's "go to the beach and drive north" directions had gotten our trusty liaison Ryan to attempt to track down the Zimbabwe homestead. We drove for about a half an hour before we actually pulled off the road to the beach to find the place. The Zimbabwe folks really have it tough, they are about a half an hour from the pool, on the beach, bigger places, full apartments, no gun shots, and the worst part is that they are paying LESS!!!! Oh well!

They fed us really well. Ribs, steaks, their imitation of a Wisconsin Bratwurst---maybe made out of Rhino??? I'm not sure they were exactly ready for us though as far as the alcohol is concerned. Without a whole car full of Master drinkers we able to deplete their beer storage within 3 minutes. We, of course, were able to recover quickly by running out and getting 4 cases. There was much stripping of clothing while we were there, supposedly in name of trading clothing but really, most of us wanted to see Theo without his shirt on, and of course, Theo wanted a few of the Women to pay in kind....right Maria?

There were many walks on the beach, which for the first time since we had been here was actually safe to do without a military escort. We could actually see the sky there and the stars were beautiful. Although a few of us overheard one of the US Men asking where the North star was...hmmm! The Zimbabwe's were excellent hosts and we'll let them cook for us anytime. Next time we might bring everyone---right Chairman?!

OK, back to serious stuff. Yeah, right serious stuff from Uncle Terry!

Today is the last day of the round robin tournament and tomorrow we all start the playoffs. The US Men's team started off a for sure winning day with a victory over Zimbabwe. Rhett scored a hat trick and claims that the only games that the Men win are the ones that he has scored 3 goals. Why doesn't he score 3 against Australia??? The US women are looking for our second win, hopefully, against Columbia today, and the Masters are looking to round off the day with a rousing rendition of shooters at half time against the Brits.

I'm sure that I have broken some of the unwritten Terry codes by giving you this much info on the actual play, but I guess if he doesn't like it he will just delete me. Until next report---mj

Well, I finally got the computer back from Mojo, so we can proceed. The Masters team is playing the Brits tonight, finishing out our double round robin. Tomorrow, we play the South Africans in the first playoff game. If by chance we should lose to them, we'll play the Queen's squad again Saturday. We're encountering a lot of Deja Vu here. Such are the joys of having a 5-team division.

Tonight we plan to go to a barbeque at the local spearfishing club, as guests of the local hockey team. The teams all attended this weekly event last week, but I still plan to get directions myself, lacking confidence in all the people saying "I know how to get there".

We'll give our next update soon on the beginning of the playoffs, and our success in eating.