Subject: Hell Freezes Over!

Date: 30-Apr-96 at 07:37

From: Uncle Terry, 73060,2661

Well, the Masters team is sitting here recovering from our latest pummeling by Australia, and preparing for our next pummeling by South Africa. We've just watched the Women's team lose again, and we're watching the Men's team fail to achieve their first victory over an English speaking country (their previous victories include Argentina, Colombia, and Canada, making them champions of the Americas and the western hemisphere). So we have time to catch you all up on happenings here.

For those people (whoever they are) who think that these reports are supposed to discuss results, the South African teams have kept winning (except for one unfortunate slip by their men, who pulled defeat from the jaws of victory against Australia). The Aussies keep winning, except when they play South Africa (except as noted above). The South Americans keep losing (except when they play each other). Other teams are doing some of each.

The most momentous news occurred Sunday in the Masters division. We're not sure if it was because of the news that the temperature in Chicago got down to 22 degrees (Fahrenheit) Friday night (causing us to think that maybe Hell was freezing over), our countering the Maori fertility dance with our best imitation of Sly & the Family Stone, or just an allergic reaction to sheep, but the American Masters team recorded its first victory of this century, over the New Zealanders. It was a hard fought contest; the US pulled out to an early 1-0 lead, but the second goal wasn't scored until halfway through the 2nd half. However, the Yanks knew we had everything under control, when the Kiwis were heard bleating to the refs at halftime. Being good sports, we certainly wouldn't want to encourage rough play, and I personally apologize for the times I pushed on an opponent's forearm with my adam's apple. But a win is a win, and one in which the team scored more goals than its total for the last 2 world championships combined is especially sweet.

We expect to continue setting records today. After losing to the Aussie Old Farts 10-0, we will play the Elder Springboks, and considering that our first game against them ended 17-0, we think that our previous record of 22 goals against in one day is definitely at risk.

Enough of this playing nonsense. There are adventures to be discussed. By now almost everyone has surely heard of Greg Mau's encounter with local ruffians, but this reporter was able to score an interview with the Chairman himself to fill in missing details. Apparently, while walking in the mini-mall under our hotel, he was accosted by 2 young hoodlums, one of whom was brandishing a knife. The knife-wielding brigand said, "Give me your money or I'll poke you". Thinking quickly, and realizing he wasn't particularly horny, our hero replied with a rough approximation of "get the fuck out of here. Don't you know who I am?". This part of the country having been under British rule for many years, the robber wanna-bes politely excused themselves, and slithered away, reportedly mumbling "what is this Red Book he was babbling about?".

Yesterday we celebrated Terry Leitheuser's birthday by eating enormous quantities of fish, drinking enormous quantities of beer, and dancing to a really bad oldies band. Sally had the dual pleasure of having her foot brace removed by one person's toes, and her toes sucked by an entirely different person. This put her one up on Andrea, who had her toes sucked a few days ago, but doesn't have a foot brace to be removed.

Tomorrow is Labor Day here, otherwise known as May Day in many other places. I just left the US last Wednesday, and tomorrow will be the 3rd holiday I've encountered in the 7 days I've been gone (starting with Liberation Day in Italy). No wonder nobody gets any work done around here. I've gotta check with my boss to see if I can use these holidays instead of vacation days for my absence. And by the way, today is a general strike here in SA. Something about the way labor unions are written into the constitution or something. In sympathy, we're refusing to stop other teams from scoring, but otherwise we're avoiding politics here.

The beer isn't particularly exciting. All we seem to be able to buy in stores are local brews. But it's cold and it's not Blonderbrau, so the situation is much better than in France. And it's cheap, which is never a bad thing.

Well, nobody seems to be able to remember any more news, and the Frog women are doing their annoying cheer thing again, so I'm going to sign off and go somewhere I can't hear them. I'll turn the reins over to Mojo...

I better fill in some of the info from the week that Terry spent "working" so that he didn't get too much practice time with his team and be able to be clued into how the others "played" together. Unlike Terry he did manage to miss a party or two while he was in flight. One of the first nights in Durban we all went to a local restaurant and annoyed more than a few of their wait staff by not allowing them to get any orders but more and more beer and wine orders. Sue was seen chasing octopie with Rhett. Andrea was held down and toe sucked into submission. All while a couple of the locals were in our hotel eliminating themselves. Yikes!

We learned the next day that the liquor stores don't quite operate on our alcohol intake schedule and were forced to store up for future party opportunities. Unfortunately, the Chicago Sluts room soon became the congregation grounds for much beer and wine sampling, and our storage became depleted before anyone knew it. We did have the opportunity to see Matt/Max in toe nail polish, and sparkly eye shadow. Hmmm....maybe he's been hanging around those cross dressers in Ft. Lauderdale a little too long!

Many of our group also had the opportunity to go to the Tina Turner concert. The warm up band--Dr. Butt somebody--had the Reggae beat going full force and set the group of us bad white boy rhythm dancers in the mood. The beer foragers returned with multiple pitchers which needed to be sucked on without the privilege of cups before the precious yellow-with-bubbles liquid could be wasted by wild dancing Maria and her flying hips! And then there was Matt...... Half way through Tina's set the skies opened up and provided us with a little more liquid refreshment. By "Proud Mary" there was a lot of mud body sliding going on, Patty is still washing her white high tops, and Maria can't play racquetball anymore without her sparkly white racquetball shoes. Much fun was had by all!

We are off to a Zimbabwe Brae(barbeque) tonight and I am sure additional stories will be created by this time tomorrow. Until then---MJ.