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Dear Captain Sparrow,
I'm the captain of the ship The Silver Dagger and I have meself a problem. There be this lass I take a fancy to, but everytime I go to talk to her I "choke", so to speak, and she has a group o' friends with her all the time. What should I do to get near the lass and tell her me feelings?
Yours truly,
Tadpole Tom

Dear Tadpole Tom,
Ah, lad, the best thing then is to write the lass a letter or poem, tellin' her how you feel. Then it'll be for her eyes only, and the choking problem will be resolved. Just make sure you can spell correctly, or she'll think yer an ignorant sod.
Captain Jack Sparrow

Dear Perfect Piratesse,
Aye, being captain of the most successful pirate ship in the Caribbean (world?) is excitin'. It's especially fun outsmartin' the Royal Navy's "finest". Their collars must be too tight, that's all I got to say. To be captain of a pirate ship takes courage, wits, and style, lass. Few can lay claim to all three, that's why me crew are so loyal, they know I possess all the traits to make a fine captain. 'Course, I have lost me ship and me crew... but the legend lives on!
Captain Jack Sparrow

Dear Captain Cat,
Sorry it's taken me so long to reply, mate, but as you may know, it's been harder for me to get me mail lately. So you may already be on that deserted island. If so, my condolences. You could always rope together a couple o' sea turtles and head for the nearest settlement, but I'm afraid yer fate is not a good one. In the off chance that yer still in charge of yer ship, get to port right away and get another crew on. Pirates are a touchy lot, you know, and you've got to keep them happy. Good luck.
Captain Jack Sparrow

Dear Captain Sara,
Must be sumthin' in the air besides the sea air, lass. Read the last letter and good luck.
Captain Jack Sparrow

Dear Captain Ash,
Me mother used to say to me, "If you don't know what a word means, don't use it". I think that's wise advice fer us all.
Captain Jack Sparrow

Dear Melissa,
Me head is hurtin' from all the mutinies around. It's either the crew or you, lass, so once you figure out where the problem lies, you can fix it. If it's the crew, dump them in Tortuga and find another. If it's you, get off the ship when you can and hope they don't maroon you!
Captain Jack Sparrow

Dear Irene,
Well, it's been awhile, so yer captain is probably passed on. My condolences. However, as I recall, there's plenty of coconuts and shade to keep yer alive, so don't worry none. I'm sure another ship will be along in no time.
Captain Jack Sparrow

Dear Ms. Willows,
Lass, you need more help than I can give you in a letter. But my advice to you is to try to forget him - he's too wrapped up in his own misery right now to be good for anyone. At least give him some time to come to terms with his failure in life. My guess is that you're feeling pity, not love. Don't be pathetic, love, move on.
Captain Jack Sparrow

Dear Princess Aquarius,
Ah, lass, there's plenty of time to become a pirate. Use the years under yer father's guidance to learn all ye can so you'll be well prepared to be a pirate. Remember, the smarter ye are, and the more ye know about ships, navigation, social skills, geography, and weather, the better pirate you'll be. Go back and read all the letters from young pirates - they be overwhelmed by the responsibilities and troubles what come at ye when yer a young pirate. Take yer time and do it right.
Captain Jack Sparrow

Dear Destined to Sail,
First of all, the Black Pearl is no longer sailin' on the bonnie blue sea, lass, so get that outta yer head. Second, read the last letter and learn a lesson or two!
Captain Jack Sparrow

Dear Silver Tooth Sally,
Trust yer captain, lass. He must be sailin' in the same direction for a purpose. I suggest waitin' 'im out and seein' where he takes you. It might me profitable. He's gotta come into port sometime, if only to take on fresh water, so be patient. Somethin' I've told me own crew many times, and they usually are rewarded.
Captain Jack Sparrow

Dear Amy Turner,
One doesn't find Davey Jones, lass, he finds you. A compass won't do yer no good. And forget the chest, it's gone, and the contents as well. It seems hopeless, lass, but if I run across him sometime, I'll ask after yer father. Keep yer spirits up.
Captain Jack Sparrow

Dear Once Loved,
Love can be fickle, lass. If he doesn't love you like he used to, then I suggest movin' on. As to what a pirate like me likes in a lass...well, she's gotta be a lass. That's good enough for me.
Captain Jack Sparrow

Dear Viktoria,
If you gotta ask how to be a true pirate, lass, then you don't have it in yer. Sorry. As to using a sword or any weapon, it takes lots of practice. And lots of incentive to stay alive.
Captain Jack Sparrow

Dear "Captain Barbossa",
I love prank letters. They're so much fun. We all know I shot you on Isla de Muerta, so seein' you again would take a miracle or very good witchcraft!
Captain Jack Sparrow

Dear Black J. Daniels,
Congratulations, mate. Drinks all around!
Captain Jack Sparrow

Dear Kate,
Lass, there's worse things than marryin', tho' I can't think of any offhand. Keep a stiff upper lip. The lad might turn out okay, though with a name like that...Well, you can always run off, but there's some risk in that. Good luck.
Captain Jack Sparrow

Dear Cutlass Beauty,
I'm not sure that being compared to a rock is a compliment, but that's okay. As to yer love life, lass, take it from me, there's lots of fish in the sea. Yer need to find a lad what will like you back, and there's plenty out there, I guarantee. Forget the handsome guy and find one who thinks you're "handsome"!
Captain Jack Sparrow

Dear Captain Swann,
First of all, lass, I really don't "date". Second of all, Will Turner has been spoken for, so forget the lad. Third, pirates aren't too picky, so you shouldn't have any trouble if you just let your intentions be known.
Captain Jack Sparrow

Dear Gwendolyn,
Thank you for the nice sentiments. As to your problem, that's a tough one, lass. You'll have to steal aboard a merchant ship that puts into port with supplies, and then jump ship when they get to a larger port. There you'll find someone willin' to take on an inexperienced lass to learn the ropes, so to speak. Have fun!
Captain Jack Sparrow

Dear Cap'n Alfonso Blue Trout,
It twasn't me, mate, sorry. As we all know, most pirates will spend their loot right away, so it's most likely gone. But remember, there's always more out there!
Captain Jack Sparrow,

Dear Alison,
Lass, yer been drinkin' too much rum. There's no such things as dragons, though I must admit it might be fun to have one around. You and James need to lay off the sauce a bit and find a good job.
Captain Jack Sparrow

Dear Captain Isabel,
Anyone who tells lies about you (unless done to enhance your reputation as a pirate) is no friend. And a crew is there to obey your orders, not to like you. You have the wrong attitude to be captain, mate. Obviously, you're not ruthless enough to cut it. Jump ship and get a respectable job.
Captain Jack Sparrow

Dear Captain Lone,
Your name says it all, luv. Find a new line of work if your heart's not in it. But don't turn yourself in, unless you like bein' hanged.
Captain Jack Sparrow

Dear Megan,
You wouldn't believe me if I told you.
Captain Jack Sparrow

Dear Norrington,
Ah, no "Commodore" before your name, eh? I just got this letter, but obviously you found me, didn't arrest me, and haven't hanged me (though the fate I've been handed is not much better). You're too pathetic for words, mate. I'd say "good luck", but it's obvious you don't have any.
Captain Jack Sparrow

Dear Captain Dead Man,
I appreciate the offer, but I've lost track of Norrington. He's not delayin' me, and I'd rather not talk about it, it's rather embarassin'. Sometimes a pirate's gotta do what a pirate's gotta do, and this is one of those times. But if you run into Norrington, feel free to kill him for me, he's too pathetic to be around, anyway.
Captain Jack Sparrow

Dear E. Bennett,
In response to your first problem, only time will tell. If the gentleman isn't interested in your friend, what can be done? If you don't want to lose your friendship, don't encourage the fella, and your friend will realize your disinterest in time and forgive you (can't say she'll do the same for him.) As to the second problem, egotistical cads are fun for awhile, but they don't make a good long-term relationship. Not that I'm an expert on this matter, but I've observed others. Just don't mistake being weak in the knees for love. I feel that way after too much rum, so I know love isn't involved. I admire your need for independence, it's a worth goal, to be sure. But remember, independence can also bring loneliness. Be sure you know what you really want.
Captain Jack Sparrow

Dear Jenny,
Interesting, that's for sure. I'm glad it was a dream, I can't say I'm ready for children!
Captain Jack Sparrow

Dear Captain Cut-lass,
Did you offer rum to Davy Jones, or did you drink the rum yourself? I'm afraid neither one will work. You know the beastie only attacks at sea, so your best bet is to find a land-lubber's job. Just be sure to settle on a civilized island. I've had an unpleasant experience at landin' on the nearest island. But use all haste, you never know when the beastie will show up!
Captain Jack Sparrow

Dear Landon,
I really wouldn't know, mate. But it wouldn't surprise me, he's a pretty slippery fellow.
Captain Jack Sparrow

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