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Dear Captain Jack Sparrow,
I was wondering - Let's say you and I are part of the crew of Barbossa. And let's say that Barbossa liked me a little too much. One day you saw Barbossa abusing me and hitting me. What would you do?
Love,
Captain Barbossa's Girl

Dear Captain Barbossa's Girl,
That's very hypothetical, since I would never serve under Barbossa, and since he's no longer alive. And, you're assuming that he's hitting you because he likes you a little too much. Sorry, lass, but if a man likes a girl, hitting and abusing her is the last thing on his mind! Barbossa was cruel and selfish, so it's a good thing that he's gone for good. Move on, lass, you can do better. Much better!
Captain Jack Sparrow

Dear Mr. Sparrow,
My name is Captain Athena. I am a bonny lass of 16 and I have run me own ship, the Satanic Rose, since I was 10. I met some land lovers several months ago and we became mates. But, recently, they have begun to order me around, as it were. One of them is even telling me who I can "hang around" with and talk to. I must admit, he has a small point, but can't I run me own life for once? Do you think I should set sail with them and then make them walk the plank? Or should I maroon them like Barbossa did to you? Oh, and one more thing, do you think I could run the Black Pearl with you? I would understand if you said no, but I would love to run the Black Pearl along side you. Please respond.
Love,
Captain Athena

Dear Captain Athena,
A ship can only have one captain at a time, so I have to turn your offer down. As to your land lubber mates, I definitely think you should listen to their counsel, but then make your own decisions. You're old enough to start thinking for yourself. Some people enjoy tryin' to run others' lives, and I try to stay clear of those meself. I wouldn't be the successful pirate I am today if I did what others thought I should do!
Captain Jack Sparrow

Dear Captain Jack Sparrow,
It's Captain Liz Wildfire again. I took your advice and it turned out that the pirate I loved loved me back! His name is Captain Black Jack Daniels of the Poseidon's Revenge. He said he's a long time friend of yours. We're going to get married in April on the beach of a deserted island. I can't wait until then! Also, (my) Jack wanted me to invite you to come if you can, there will be rum! But Jack and I understand if you can't come, because of the whole Norrington thing. So thank you for the wonderful advice! Love ya!
God speed,
Captain Liz "Lady Luck" Wildfire

Dear Captain Wildfire,
Glad to be of help, lass, that's why I'm here! I'll try to come to the wedding, but that silly Norrington is still on my tail. Will he ever stop chasing me? I think he's obsessed!
Captain Jack Sparrow

Ahoy, Jack Sparrow,
How is the sailing on the Black Pearl? I hope it isn't too windy. I'd like to be on that ship with you. Would you like me on your ship? I'd really like to. I'd like to be your mate. Take care of yourself and watch for the other pirates.
Love,
Little White Feather

Dear Little,
I love to sail on my ship, lass, it's like heaven on earth. And the wind doesn't bother me, my sails can handle it. I'm not taking on any new crew now, however. I'll let you know when I am.
Captain Jack Sparrow

Dear Jack,
Sorry I ain't wrote in a long time, but the treasure of Norrington is well famous were I am, but I now I'm in the Carribean wiv Norrington on my tail. So you know any place to get a crew? Ming Tein died somehow, I didn,t hear what the person said he died of. I was too busy fighting off his crew. The chest he dug up was cursed, but also inside of the chest was a snake, so he could of died from a snake bite, but I doubt it. I would tell you more about the treasure of Norrington, the things that you need to know, but I need to tell ya that in private. All I know is that Norrington's father was a pirate before he became a navy man. Norrington's grandfather was a pirate, it goes way back to Norrington's great, great, great, great grandfather. Either Norrington is trying to stop pirates from getting it, or he wants to be a pirate and out run you. The part of the treasure I got from his ship was the part that tells me where it is hidden, if you like I could find ya, tell ya what needs to be told, and together we can find the treasure and split it fifty-fifty. What do you say?
Luv,
Captain Bleeding Hart Pearl
P.S. I'll keep it mum that you're heading back.

Dear Captain Pearl,
That's interesting if Norrington comes from pirate stock. Maybe that's why he's so obsessive, wantin' to purge the "stench" from his soul. Ha! Pirate blood is hard to deny. Thanks for the offer on the treasure, I'll find ye in the Caribbean, I'll be there soon!
Captain Jack Sparrow

Ahoy Cap'n!
Me, I be looking for a ship and crew for my next cruise over to the Spanish Main. I would be more than happy if you'll be so kind to share some tips for commandeering a ship...I know it is art, not a crime, and I would like advice from an expert. Oh! By the way, have good wind, matey! If you ever need a new recruit, you can find me at Tortuga.
Signed,
Scarlet of the Sail

Dear Scarlet,
Well, lass, I hate to give my secrets away. If you don't have your wits about you enough to figure out a plan, then you don't need to be commandeering a ship. You'll end up on the short end of a rope! Join an established crew and learn from them. Besides, every pirate has his own style, so you'll have to develop yer own. Good luck!
Captain Jack Sparrown

Dear Cap'n Sparrow,
Me name's Bloody Mary. I'm a pirate lass, which creates problems, but it's not what I'm asking you for. This other pirate I know, Dart, I'm in luv with. See, the problem with this is, he's with this other Pirate-lass friend of mine, Rosethorn... but I'd be better for him, all the other pirate-lasses say so. What do I do?
See ya in Tortuga,
Bloody Mary
P.S. If Dart breaks me heart, will u be there 2 pick up the pieces?

Dear Bloody Mary,
Ah, sorry, the mate needs to decide for himself which lass is best for him. Timing is everything. If Rosethorn isn't right for him, he'll figure it out eventually, then you can step in. Timing is everything in romance, lass. In the meantime, don't wait around for him. That way, when he does discover you, you'll be more attractive for being your own pirate. Respect and love are closely tied together, lass, remember that!
Captain Jack Sparrow

Ahoy, Captain Jack!
I got a few of them there quieries about you. I think that ye must have the life out on your boat, the Black Pearl, so when you are not doin' a mission, what do ye spend your time doin? Also, what did you do that made the girls in Tortuga so angry? If you didn't deserve them slaps that they gave ye (they must've hurt!). But ye must get used to them, ye have a lot of them there slaps round yon face of yours! If ye can answer that, I can let ye in on my little secret stash of tresure. So ye will oblige if ye knows what's good for ye ...
Captain Tom King

Dear Captain King,
In my spare time I answer letters from pirates such as yerself, mate. Maybe not a noble cause, but one I find satisfying. As to the gals in Tortuga, who knows what's in a lass's head? Jealousy would be my best guess, but guess they don't know there's plenty of Jack Sparrow to go around for them all!
Captain Jack Sparrow
P.S. Keep your treasure for yerself, mate, I've got plenty already.

Dear Captain Jack Sparrow,
It's been a while since I replied to you. How have things been on the Black Pearl? I have soon great news to tell you, I'm pregnant!! I know that Jack and I haven't been married for very long, but we always wanted a lil' mate running around the decks of our ship. We haven't thought of any names yet, have any suggestions of names? Last week the navy was on our tail, so we're putting the first mate in charge as we go into hiding. We want the baby to be born out of harm's way. I have one more request - once the baby is born, would you like to be the godfather? It would be an honor! Please think about it.
God speed,
Captain Liz Wildfire
P.S. I'm 5 months pregnant!

Dear Captain Wildfire,
Sorry, lass, I just recently replied to your last letter, so that shows how slow I've been! It's been easy sailin' once we came around Cape Horn, so I've been workin' on repairin' sails and cleanin' the ship. Congratulations on your upcoming arrival. I've always been partial to Jack as a name, but that's probably a little egotistical. I'd be glad to be the godfather, if yer willin', though why you'd want me to be an example to an innocent child, heaven only knows!
Captain Jack Sparrow

'Ello Captain Jack Sparrow,
My name is Liz Bukowski, I'm friends with Captain Liz Wildfire and Captain Venus. I'm a starting-out pirate of 16 and as you can tell of my last name, I'm Polish. Fellow pirates at pubs say I can't be a pirate, not just 'cause I be a female, but because I'm Polish. Do you have any good tips to prove them wrong and make me sound fiercer than I really am? As soon as I gain some more respect I'm commanding a ship, it's called the Heart of Freedom. I hope I can get a good crew soon, I need to sail!! Well, gotta go look for some supplies and crew members!
Love always,
Liz Bukowski

Dear Liz,
Aye, that name is certainly not fierce! But I don't know why a Polish pirate would be less fierce than any other pirate. Of course, the Polish aren't known for a strong navy, so the reputation as good sailors is lacking. Any name will do, luv, just pick a good one!
Captain Jack Sparrow

Dear Captain Jack Sparrow,
My name is Alice Spirow (pronouncated sparrow but no relation), and I have a problem. I'm 14 and a ton of boys at my school tell me that I'm too obessed with horses and pirates. I don't always talk about that stuff, though. Also, when they make fun of me, they say things that really hurt my feelings. Usually when people say things about me I could really care less and don't let them stand in my way. The things they say are very rude and too rude to repeat. I was wondering, what should I do? I try to ignoring them, but they never stop. Should I join a crew and forget about school? I'm so confused!! Can you please help me?
Sincerely,
Alice Spirow

Dear Alice,
Lass, they just be jealous that you feel passionately about something! Their lives are probably dull and ordinary, and it makes them feel better about their pitiful lives if they make fun of yours! So don't let them get you down. Remember, you're still a young lass, and before long you'll find a lad who'll like you for who you are. So what if you have to wait awhile? When you find him, he'll be worth the wait! So just keep on with your studies, and have fun thinkin' about pirates and horses. Those are two topics that shouldn't get you into much trouble, as long as they're a hobby. Hey, some day you may want to be a pirate or work with horses! And the time put in now will pay off. Remember, good things come to those who wait. Just look at me and gettin' my ship back from Barbossa. You have to wait until the opportune moment!
Captain Jack Sparrow

Dear Captain Sparrow,
Me an' me friend, Heather, adore you! By the way, my name is Laurel, and I love you! Heather says, "I love you, too!" You are so hot! But, we respect you, unlike those scoundrels who say you made them pregnant and wanted to marry you. We know a pirate like you doesn't have time for lasses like us, but we will always admire you from afar.
Love,
Heather 'n Laurel
P.S We love rum too!

Dear Heather 'n Laurel,
Thanks for the accolades, lasses. As to being hot, well, you don't know what hot is until you've been stranded off the shores of India with no shade and no water! That place is like hell itself, at least as far as the temperature is concerned. And when those monsoons roll through, you're hot AND soaking wet. Definitely not fun!
Captain Jack Sparrow

Dear Captian Jack,
I just be finding the cursed gold from yer last adventure. Anyway, I be wondering if you actually want ter be a cursed pirate? And here be ye name: "Immortal Jack Sparrow, Captian of the Black Pearl". Anyway, being immortal is awesome... and I don't need any Halloween costume. either.
Austin, the forever cursed
P.S. What does savvy mean anyway, savvy?

Dear Austin Cursed,
I'm not cursed anymore, lad, because I put the gold back. It can benefit you for awhile, but then it gets to be a burden, as Barbossa explained to Elizabeth. You miss the pleasures of living flesh, even though the pain comes with it. Well, hopefully you'll know how to un-curse yerself if that happens to you.
Captain Jack Sparrow
P.S. I don't know what you mean by Halloween, so guess you don't need to know what I mean by savvy. Savvy?

Dear Captain Sparrow,
I be a pirate lass of the age of 13. One of me best mates refuses to talk to me, 'cause I went on to pilage a town with another friend, when I had raided a ship with the both of 'em yesterday. She won't even help swab the deck or the like, unless I let two of her mates onto the the crew. Should I?
Confused,
Ruby Drake

Dear Ruby,
Ah, jealously is a powerful sin. I would tell her to grow up some more and then you will consider takin' on her two mates. If she won't work, make her walk the plank. She'll get the idea!
Captain Jack Sparrow

NOTE FROM WEB SITE MANAGEMENT:
Due to unforseen circumstances, contact with Captain Jack Sparrow has been interrupted temporarily. We have heard rumors of an unfortunate fate that has left Captain Sparrow unable to regularly communicate for this column. However, we will attempt to ascertain (as it were) if these rumors are true, and attempt to reach him as soon as possible. We regret any inconvenience this may cause our fellow pirates, and hope that with your understanding, you will continue to send in letters as we try to resolve this difficult situation. I'm sure Captain Sparrow will be anxious to answer your letters at the first possible opportunity. Thank you for your consideration in these troubling times.
Thank you Cap' Jack Sparrow,
But I would never consider sewing or settling down now. Also: No one gives me a gun [past or present] to ward off unwanted suitors or possibly robbers. Even though I try to be reasonable, they still have the attitude of "a woman with a gun? Haha." So I was forced to steal it. They caught me, and I was expecting to be thrown into the slammer but they laughed in my face. So I kicked one guy in the groin and grabbed the gun. By then I thought they would have stopped laughing but other than that guy I kicked, they were howling in laughter. It's unfair. What's a girl to do to get respect like an equal?
Lavender
P.S. I'm fine, too. How's it going?

Dear Lavender,
Life is hard for the fairer sex, lass. I understand your passion. My friend Elizabeth has the same problems, she is rarely taken seriously. But I have noticed she can handle herself with a sword better than she could before. I suggest killing a few men (gun or sword, doesn't matter), that oughta do it. But be sure not to hang around later to let them throw you in the brig. It won't be worth it if you end up at the end of a rope. Good luck!
Captain Jack Sparrow
P.S. Funny you should ask how it's going. Life has been treatin' me harshly the past few days, I must say. I was lucky the postman found me to deliver a few letters. He's a saint in a sea of devils. I am a little indisposed, as it were, at the moment, but hopefully can reclaim my place on the seas before too long. It might be a good idea to send someone to look for me, however. I'm in a bit of a pickle, though I'd rather not go into details. But let's just say I've been in better places, luv.

Dear Jack,
I am a lass of 17, and Elizabeth is my sister. You see, I am deeply in love with a pirate, but 'e luvs my sister. I 'ave seen him around from time to time. 'E owns the Black Pearl, and he is really nice. I love him so much. Even though he drinks a lot.
Samantha Swann

Dear Samantha,
You must have me confused with someone else, because I no longer own the Black Pearl (don't ask), and I can't say I've ever loved your sister. She's attractive, as wenches go, but she's a little bossy for me. And there's a bit of bad blood between us, so I'd rather not even think of her. Find someone else, lass.
Captain Jack Sparrow

Darling Jack,
I seem to have run into a bit of a qaundry. Y'see I am a "card shark" of sorts and have recently run into slim pickin's of places to play where I am: a. wanted, b. unknown, and c. not shot at on sight, here in our darling collection of islands in the Caribbean. So, being as I am on a ship, headed who knows where, I was perhaps seeking your advice of places to pick up a good game, preferably with easily fooled people, that I can direct my Captain to. (No worries, he'll lead me...I have my ways of "persuading" him.)
Best Regards,
"Deal" Darling

Dear Deal,
Tortuga is the place, my lad. Everyone is wanted there (at least no one cares if you're there or not), they're so drunk they won't recognize you from one game to the next, and you only get shot at randomly (nothing personal, usually). Give it a try!
Captain Jack Sparrow

Ahoy,Captain Jack Sparrow!!
Me name's Captain Megan "Savvy" Harmon. I'm a lass of 13 yrs. o' age. I'm TOTALLY CRAZY about ye! Everyone thinks yer weird 'n stuff, but,I don't. I'm captain o' the "Golden Sparrow" [named after ye o' course]. Me crew is always ignorin' me. They're also thinkin' 'bout MUTINY!! PLEASE, Captain Jack Sparrow! PLEASE! I need yer help! Oh,Jack! What do I do!?
Love,
Captain Megan "Savvy" Harmon

Dear Captain Harmon,
First of all, luv, yer only 13 years old, and no sailor worth his salt is gonna follow a lass that age. Before they really do mutiny, dock yer ship and take a day job to earn the respect of yer fellow sailors. It's tough bein' captain, those pirates expect you to find them booty all the time, not to mention supply the rum and food. It's a big responsibility, so you need to grow up a little, lass. As to the part about me reputation bein' "weird", I don't let it bother me none. In fact, it's sorta fun!
Captain Jack Sparrow

Dear Captain Sparrow,
Please inform Commodore Norrington that he needs to sober up and you are just positively hilarious.
Love, Lady Mapleton
P.S. I'm not exactly a pirate...More like a wealthy lady who is completely obsessed with pirates and the Commodore (sorry couldn't resist...I need help...)

Dear Lady Mapleton,
If you are obsessed with Norrington (I hate to tell ya lass, but he lost his commission), then you need more help than I can provide. But I do agree that he needs to sober up. As do we all, luv.
Captain Jack Sparrow

Dear Captain Sparrow,
You seem "attracted" to Elizabeth Swann. Do you really like her? Just get back to me.
Lyss

Dear Lyss,
I'd rather not talk about her, lass. She's done me wrong, though I know she was doin' right by her. But it was a little extreme, what she's puttin' me through. I'd rather not discuss her. Gibbs always said it was bad luck to bring a lady on board a ship, and now I think I agree with him!
Captain Jack Sparrow

Dear Jack,
I was wonderin', are ye goin to marry yer bonnie lass, Elizabeth Swann? She is a sweety, and in yer journey to find the Dead Man's Chest, it seems that she may have liked yeh! What is yer say, Matey?
Lovin's,
Yer favorite jar of dirt

Dear Jar,
The postman must've made a mistake, or I've had too much rum tonight. Oh, wait...I don't have any rum here...Well, must be the lack of oxygen to me brain. Well, since you wrote, I'll answer the question: NO!!!!
Captain Jack Sparrow

Hey Jack,
One of my crewmates has fallin in love with me! I like Him as a friend, but not a thing more, SAVVY? I don't know what to tell him! HELP!
Love Lots,
Captain Clueless

Dear Captain Clueless,
Ah, a regular letter again! Why do I have to answer these kinds of letters over and over, mates? Don't you read the previous ones? Tell him to bugger off! (But in a nice way.)
Captain Jack Sparrow

Well, well, well.
It seems someone's been doing well since he took up with the Black Pearl again. I've been hearing of your goings-on ever since you swindled old Calico Jack out of a certain bit of gold. That aside, it has come to my attention that you've run afoul of a..."beastie," as you call it. Hope all goes well, and hold hard to land-as I've also heard you've been doing...though in a most...unusual...way. There's always rum for you on old Calico Jack's ship, if ever we cross.
Anne Bonny
P.S. What's this I hear about you and a certain soon-to-be Mrs. Turner? I thought Jack Sparrow didn't hold real feelings for any of the female persuasion.

Dear Anne Bonny,
Life has it's ups and downs, and I seem to be "down" (literally and figuratively) lately. Aye, the beastie is foul, lass. And like I said before, the woman-who-shall-not-be-mentioned is attractive in a caustic sort of way, with a personality to rival a porcupine. I love the lasses, but not all equally, if you know what I mean. Is any man any different?
Captain Jack Sparrow

Yo ye Captain Jack,
You feel thirsty and you go down t' the rum cabin and there's no rum left. What do you do??????
Shoe buckler

Dear Shoe,
I love letters like this, mate - straightforward, with a clear, urgent need for help. There's only one thing to do when there's no rum left - cry like a baby!
Captain Jack Sparrow

Dear Captain Sparrow,
This be Capn' Smith and I need some advice. I had meself a ship and a crew, but got meself mutinied. I lost me ship. How do ye think I might go about gettin me ship back?
Yours truly,
Captain Rudabega Smith

Dear Captain Smith,
Ah, I can relate, mate. 'Tis a sad way to find oneself, that's for sure. If I were you, I'd work on gettin' me old ship back (then replace the crew!), but if that's impossible, the best way is to jump on board another ship and stage a mutiny there, then take it over. It's the way of the pirate, mate, and it's efficient, as well!
Captain Jack Sparrow

(Your letter goes here! So send it in, you scabrous dog!)

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