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Dear Capt. Jack,
I'm Captain Gorton of "The Rock 'n Roller". I'm havin' a few probs with my first mate, some harsh words have been traded recently, but I can't desert him or else the whole crew will lose order. What do you suggest I do?
Yours,
Captain Gorton
p.s. You rock!

Dear Captain Gorton,
It's important that a captain and his first mate see eye-to-eye. Trust me, I've had some experience in this. My advice is to rein him in and show him who's the boss. If you don't, then the whole crew will lose order, because they'll start thinkin' they can get away with it, too!
Captain Jack Sparrow

Dear Jack,
I want to sail under a pirate flag, wear a pirate brand, but the problem is, I don't have a crew OR know a pirate! I'm strong and quick, and (with a little practice) I could be very good with a sword. Can you tell me where I might be able to join a crew (possibly the Black Pearl)?
Pirate Girl

Dear Pirate Girl,
Sorry, I'm not takin' on any new crew now. However, wherever you are, go to the local dock area and spread the word that you're lookin' for a job. You must learn how to work on a ship to be a good pirate. Spend some time doin' that, and improvin' your sword work, and through word of mouth you'll learn about a good pirate crew to join. If you work on a merchant ship, you might even get attacked by pirates, and then you can jump ship and join 'em! All the best!
Captain Jack Sparrow

Dear Jack,
I'm an 11 year old lass who's lookin' fer a job aboard "The Black Pearl". I'm smart, quick, strong, and funny. I'm good with a sword and I have dead-on aim. I'm not afraid of other pirates, and I wouldn't mind (in fact, I would love to!) kick some of the other's pirates' butts! Would ye mind if I joined?
Little Rose

Dear Little Rose,
See previous letter.
Captain Jack Sparrow

Dear Captain Sparrow,
Oh, do I have a problem! I read all this fine advice you gave to others, and was hoping that you might be able to help me. I would be eternally grateful if you could help. You see, there is this man who I am desperately in love with. Tall, strong, handsome, with the most wonderful smile - oh, Norrington is so cute! The problem is, every time I get near him, he practically runs away. And it is all my sister's fault! She told me to drop things around him - flowers, jewelry and stuff, and being the fine upstanding gentleman that he is, he would pick it up and return it to me - and it would be as if he gave it to me. Well, the last time I dropped my glove down his trousers and I was dragged away by several marines. After that last attempt, I am desperate. What should I do? I want to be Mrs. Norrington!
Virginia

Dear Virginia,
Lass, you got more problems than I'm qualified to address. I suggest you take a long vacation - far from your sister and Norrington. Time will hopefully heal your wounds.
Captain Jack Sparrow

Dear Jack,
I will meet up wiv ya in the Caribbean. After all, you'll be glad to hear that Norrington is on his way to find you. Also, in the last 4 months I have lost my crew, the ship that the Governor gave me, my first mate and now I'm on the edge of losing the Golden Sparrow to Norrington if I can fight his whole crew by meself. Also Ming T'ien is dead. He dug up the chest he found and died. So what happened wiv the cannibals you ran into on the island near Mindanao then? I would love to hear that story. Purhaps you could tell it to me over a drink of rum. I have also found out that Norrington doesn't know that he was a pirate, but then again would Norrington believe in a pirate like me? I found the treasure of Norrington. I found part of it while battling him to keep him from taking my ship. The other part is near some island in the middle of an ocean.
Luv,
Captain Bleeding Hart Pearl
p.s. Shall we meet up? And could you tell me where I might get a good crew from? I ain't got one and I can't find a good place to get one.

Dear Captain Pearl,
The cannibal story is interesting, but certainly not the worst trouble I've been in. Just delayed me for awhile. Most recently, it's been these terrible wood worms drillin' holes in my ship. We've had a heck of a time gettin' out of the Indian Ocean for 'em. We're headin' back to the Caribbean (keep it mum, though!), so I'll find ye then. Sorry to hear about Ming T'ien. You didn't say how he died. Is that chest he dug up cursed? I'd love to hear about the treasure of Norrington. I know you don't want to put details in the mail. And don't worry about Norrington. When I get up there, we'll take him on together. He needs to be taught a lesson or two!
Captain Jack Sparrow

Dear Captian Jack,
This is a message from Artemis le Chat and Rose Diablo. We are two saliors working on Norrington's ship. Women masquerading as men. Norrington discovered where you are. I won't betray it in this letter, for anyone else who wants to come after you. But you have to clear out RIGHT NOW! If you escape safely, post an advertisment on this page to let us know you're alright. If he does capture you, let us know, and we can help you escape. By the way, we're considering going pirate, any suggestions on how to do it?
Until then,
Artemis le Chat and Rose Diablo

Dear Artemis and Rose,
Well, it's been awhile since you've written, so wherever I was, obviously Norrington didn't find me. I guess those worms did me a favor! Anyway, I'm not afraid of Norrington. Remember, I've got the fastest ship around. And he's not nearly as clever as me! My advice to you is don't let anyone know you've been in contact with me, or you'll be hanged for treason. If you want to turn pirate, you need to find a way to Tortuga. You'll find a crew there.
Captain Jack Sparrow

Aye Captain Jack Sparrow,
I'm a young lass about 20 years old and I'm from Holland, sailed all the way to the Caribbean to see you. Just got one thing to ask. Did you ever fall in love? I mean you're a pirate and we all know somewhere you got a soft heart, but you never showed it. Sometimes I think you're afraid to show it, because you're a pirate. But hey, I think you're a good pirate anyway. Don't be afraid the next time you see a woman aboard the Pearl. It will be me, because I know how to sneak on your ship. No way I will be leaving or walk the plank, at least not before a good swordfight! Till we meet again, Mister Sparrow, sorry, Cap'n Jack Sparrow!
Ye be warned,
Sharon

Dear Sharon,
First you have to catch me ship! As to fallin' in love, well, I don't like to share personal moments in such a public forum, but let's just say I've had a girl or two to catch me heart. But a pirate's life is not easy for romancin', so nothin' ever came of them.
Captain Jack Sparrow

Dear Capt' Jack,
I have a bit of a dilemma that I be hoping you might have a wee bit of advice on - With your vast experience on the high seas, have you seen many Irish female middle-aged pirates out on the bounding main? You know we may need a little more sleep, but our wisdom, good humor and our general joy of life would be a real asset to any crew. Or would we be just too much to handle? How do you suggest we get on with a crew?
Your loyal admirers,
L.O.F.F.I. (The Loyal Order of the Femme Fatales of Ireland)
p.s. We'll be remembering you in our prayers, Jackie-boy!

Dear L.O.F.F.I.,
I haven't seen too many middle-aged pirates period - whether male, female, Irish, or otherwise. It's a tough life, and retirement is a dream most of us never reach. Refer to the second letter on this page for advice on joinin' a pirate crew. Good luck!
Captain Jack Sparrow

Arr matey,
I have a question for ye: what came first, the chicken or the egg?
Captain Hook

Dear Captain Hook,
You old dog, you! What are you doin', writin' jokes to me for? Everyone knows the rooster came first!
Captain Jack Sparrow

Cap'n Jack,
I'm facin' a bit of a problem. Me cap'n is up-gradin' herself to a grander ship (who could blame her, it's amazin'), and she's makin' me the cap'n of her old ship. While I got no problems with that, the crew don't respect me. They've never respected me as first mate (the position I hold now) or as the navigator (the position I held formerly) and I don't think they'll be respectin' me as cap'n. Any suggestions?
Many thanks,
Gwai Henneth (aka Ravenna Falconis), Mate (and soon to be Cap'n) of the Bloody Mary

Dear Gwai,
Sure, I've got suggestions. You may not like them, though. My first suggestion is to find another line of work. If your crew has never respected you, the problem is not them, it's you. Obviously you're not meant to be a leader. My other suggestion is to dump the whole crew and start all over with a new one. But I suspect that in the near future you'll have the same problem with them. Hope you're not too old to learn a trade.
Captain Jack Sparrow

Dear Captain Jack Sparrow,
I'm a piratess and a mighty strong captain. My name is Captain Liz "Lady Luck" Wildfire. I'm called Lady Luck because of my close encounters with enemies, and I'm good luck to have on board. But anyway, I never show my feelings on the outside, but I have finally gotten feelings for a certain pirate. How do I tell him I love him?
God Speed,
Captain Liz "Lady Luck" Wildfire

Dear Captain Wildfire,
Well, you can always flirt and drop hints, but I like the direct approach, meself. Of course, there's always the chance of rejection, so you may want to flirt first and see if he's receptive. Love is tricky, I tend to avoid it if at all possible!
Captain Jack Sparrow

Ahoy there Jack Sparrow,
What does it take to make a good pirate? What does Savvy mean?
Yours,
Danni

Dear Danni,
I believe I've answered the good pirate question in previous letters. Be sure to re-read them. As to "savvy", well, if you don't know what a word means, don't use it! (Good advice for a number of words that people throw out casually, without regard for how they'll be taken by the listener.)
Captain Jack Sparrow

Dear, Cap'n Jack,
Me friend Black Bess has this dear hubby aboard our ship. (Yeah, yeah I know that it be bad luck for us females sail'n around here on a ship, but don't you think that's a bit sexist?) Anyway she and her dearest are all lovey dovey and are always acting well... lovey dovey. And it drives me mad 'cause she ain't doin' her job! Can ya help?
Sincerely,
Murta De la Esperanza, Esperanz for short!

Dear Esperanz,
Where's the captain? If it's okay for the captain for her to be "lovey-dovey" and not doin' her job, what's it to you? It's not your ship, luv. Let it go. As to being "sexist", lass, I'm a creature of the culture. You know how superstitous we pirates are!
Captain Jack Sparrow

Dear Captain Jack Sparrow,
I am captain Ellie. I think you are so cool. I don't know why Commodore Norrington keeps on trying to capture you. Why doesn't he give up? Since you are good at escaping traps and near-death experiences, I was wondering how you do it? My ship is the Treasure Trove. If you see it, drop by, savvy?
Yours Truly,
Captain Ellie
p.s. Say hi to Will, will you, matey?

Dear Captain Ellie,
I haven't been cool since I left the Southern waters around Cape Horn, lass. How do I escape near-death experiences? Well, having a sharp wit and brain helps, as well as having good friends willing to step in for your behalf. And don't forget Lady Luck. Without her, I'm afraid I'd be long gone!
Captain Jack Sparrow

Dear Captain Jack,
I'm a young lass of five winters and adore you. I often dress like you and want to go on a pirate ship. Me ma says I'm too young to be goin' off without her. Could you marry her, so we can go with you on your ship?
Your mate,
Princess Pearl

Dear Princess Pearl,
Well, that's very magnaminous of you to offer. However, I'm "married" to my ship right now, and don't plan to divorce anytime soon. Sorry. I agree that you need more time to grow up before you become a pirate. But keep the dream alive in your heart, and I'm sure it will come true someday!
Captain Jack Sparrow

Dear Captain Jack,
I'm a young pirate lass, and I'm having a bit o' trouble. How can I get the lad I've taken a liking to to talk to me? As in friendly conversation? Do I run a rig, or what? Also, one of me mates found out that he likes me, too. Can I trust a fellow pirate for a good bit of advice?
Fleetfoot Rose

Dear Fleetfoot Rose,
Hey, you're trustin' me, aren't you? Check out my answer to Captain Wildfire's letter, lass.
Captain Jack Sparrow

Dear Jack,
I'm a lass 14 years of age, and my first cabin boy just jumped ship to go out with his friend. She dumped him about a week later, and now he wants to know if I'll take him back! He says he feels really bad about doing something that stupid. I don't know if I should give it one more go or tell him to shove it up his nose and sod off. What would you do?
Your Loyal Follower,
Captain Axl "Camo Jacket" Rose

Dear Captain Rose,
Well, givin' him one more chance would be the "nice" thing to do, but hey, we're pirates, so tell him to sod off! There are plenty of other pirates on the sea, lass!
Captain Jack Sparrow

Ahoy, matey!
I gots a question fer ya I been wantin' ta ask fer sometime now: Are you forever a drunkard without the rum? Or were yer brains truly fried when you were marooned? My own crew dumped me off on an island as well, called Pitsburg. It really is hell on earth (just kidding). Anyway, send me word back, ya scallywag.
Captian Daoutai Bloodstone

Dear Captain Bloodstone,
Well, that island was pretty harsh. Just me, the hot sun, and nothin' to drink except the surf poundin' on the shore. It was awfully lonely, too. I suppose after several weeks of nothin' to drink or eat, the thirst and the sun did their job on my brain. But I lived to tell the tale, mate, and that's what counts. Good luck gettin' off your island!
Captain Jack Sparrow

"'Ello, Captain Sparrow. Stumbled across yer advice column the othe day and figured I'd write in. Though, truth be told, this really i'nt asking for advice so much as both a heads-up and a proposition. First, to introduce myself. Ya may have already heard of me, though. Captain Lorelei Corvus of the "Rosa Fatale" (beautiful ship she is, and distinctinve, too, in that she's the only ship I know that sails completely crimson sails with black, crimson, and dark gold painted wood). As to the heads-up, if yer still in the Indies, I caught wind the other day that Norrington is headed your way. Read an interestin' letter about Norry having been descended from pirates. Hmmmm...maybe that's why he's got such a stick up his...well, you get the idea when it comes to them. Familial discontent? Met the chap once or twice. Didn't much care for him. Especially since the second time, I was looking down the barrel of his pistol...
Anyhow, as to the proposition I spoke of: Yer "Black Pearl" is the only ship I've heard of that may very well better the "Rosa" in speed. I propose we meet, once Norry gets it through his thick skull that he won't find you (honestly, shouldn't the git be protecting bloody Port Royal instead of sailing to the Indies?), and see who beats who. If you win, drinks for you and yer crew are on me. Vice versa if I win. Unless, of course, you can think of a more interesting wager. Write back and we'll see if we can meet an accord.
Captain Lorelei Corvus

Dear Captain Corvus,
Thanks for your letter. I'm out of the Indies now, so we won't be able to meet. And Norrington I hear is on his way back to the Caribbean, as am I. I don't pretend to understand his motives, and frankly, I'm not sure I care! Perhaps we'll meet sometime, I'll keep an eye out for those crimson sails.
Captain Jack Sparrow

Dear Jack,
Hey, I just found this and I think it's pretty nifty! I have so many things to ask ya! I'm Captain of the "Red Rose", ever hear of it? And everything is going great, except for my cabin boy. He's really annoying. What would you do? Also, I have a friend who has her own ship, "The Boomerang", she thinks she's your daughter. What should I tell her? Well, anyway, I hope the Commodor doesn't catch ya!
Love,
Miya Adams

Dear Miya,
Sorry, haven't heard of your ship, but there's a lot of ships sailin' the deep blue sea, so don't lose heart. An annoying cabin boy needs to get dumped at the nearest port, where you can pick up another one. As to your friend, well, lass, seems like my fame has spawned many sudden "relatives". I don't claim any of 'em. Let 'em go out and earn it, just like I did!
Captain Jack Sparrow

Dear Captain Jack,
Jack! Haven’t you noticed the rampant number of Mary Sues running around? It’s gone beyond annoyance. Suddenly I’ve discovered that I have nearly a hundred sisters running around, and so does Will. Not only that, but I had to beat a good number of women away from him, all of them insisting that he was their husband! Don’t even get me started on the number of women who are claiming to be your sister/daughter/wife. I think it may be time for you and Norrington to call a truce. James is a fine man, Jack, and I’m sure that with this new threat he’ll be able to put off his duty to hang you for a while. With him, Will, you, and myself, I think we may just be able to stop some of this madness. Take care of yourself, Jack.
Elizabeth Swann

Dear Elizabeth,
Nice to hear from you, luv. I just replied to a letter about someone claimin' to be my daughter. It's gettin' old, I agree. As to Norrington, you better speak to him first. I don't have anything personal against him, and would be happy for a truce. But I'm not sure about him. He's not happy that he let me go after my "hangin'" and then couldn't catch me again. It has something to do with his pride, I guess. If you ask me, his shorts are on a little too tight. And don't worry about me, I'm having the time of me life sailin' around, spending my hard-earned (well, not really) booty. I'll try to stop in soon to see you and Will.
Captain Jack Sparrow

Ahoy there Jack,
My name is Raven and I'm a 13 year old pirate on the the Black Plague and I have a question for you and Will. When you were in the cave, why did you slice your hand and not Will? I'm not blind Jack, he didn't spill blood on the coin you did.
Sinfully,
The Raven

Dear Raven,
I'm not sure where you heard this tale, but whoever shared it with you was ignorant of some of the details. You see, I took a coin so I could fight with Barbossa and be sure not to die until the "opportune moment". Will had the other coin, the one his dad sent to him when he was a boy. So we both had to cut our hands and put the blood on each of our coins before the curse would be lifted. Will caught my coin after I cut my hand to get my blood on it, and Will then cut his hand to get his blood on his coin. Then he dropped both coins back into the chest of Cortez. That's how the curse was lifted.
Captain Jack Sparrow

Dear Jack,
I'm a young British teenage girl and I got a book about pirates. I only know only a little bit about pirates and lost islands with treasure. What makes me feel concerned is pirate trials and execution. What I'm asking is, why do some pirates get marooned and what shall I choose? Stay on board a ship and obey the laws of piracy or not?
Signed,
Black Eyed Sophie

Dear Black Eyed Sophie,
Well, being marooned is hard and lonely. I had the wits about me to escape, but most pirates end up dying while marooned. Let's face it, you don't have water or food, the sun is hot, and all you have for company is a pistol with not but a single shot. It's much easier to obey the rules, lass. If you can't live the life, you need to find something else to do. If I were you, I'd stick to reading books about pirates and find a better life!
Captain Jack Sparrow

Ahoy Jack Sparrow!
Me name's Captain Bloody Megan and I'm 13-yrs.-old. I 'ave a problem: I want t' be a pirate just like you, 'cause I just love ye so much, savvy? But,I don't kow what t' do,mate! Please 'elp me, savvy!?!
Love,
Captain Bloody Megan

Dear Captain Bloody,
Yer a little young yet, lass. Fearsome, I'm sure, but to have the strength to pull a water-laden rope and hoist sails needs strong arms, not just a will. Give it a few more years, then check out your nearest harbor. A few words in the right ears will get ye on a likely ship, I'm sure. All it takes is a successful mutiny to launch the careers of future pirates! Good luck to ye!
Captain Jack Sparrow

Dear Captain Jack,
It is I, Red Lilly Flint, captain of the Bloody Parrot, ye lost love. Do ye remember me from the last time you were marooned of that god-forsaken spit of land? Do ye remember how I helped you escape aboard my ship and the love we shared that night? Please send word if you remember, because I am sailing back to Tortuga from the Cammon Islands this Feburary. If you remember me, then meet me there the first week in Feburary. Girls just wanna have rum!
Lilly

Dear Lilly,
Aye, though I remember it differently, lass. As I recall, I had already secured passage off that god-forsaken spit of land, thanks to a couple 'o sea turtles I lashed together, and you just happened by on yer boat. Since your boat was dryer than the backs of two sea turtles, I took you up on your offer to catch a ride. But I remember you fondly, and hope to meet up with you sometime. Unfortunately, I've been delayed returning to the Caribbean, but will ask around. Have fun with the rum in the meantime!
Captain Jack Sparrow

Ahoy Jack Sparrow!
Me name is Captain "Savvy" Megan and I'm the captain of the ship "The Bloody Savvy". I'm 13 years old and I just totally love ye!! I 'ave a bit o' a problem 'ere Jack. I want t' be a pirate just like ye!! But I don't know what t' do!! Also me crew is plannin' a muntiny on me!! Help me Savvy!?!
Love,
Captain "Savvy" Megan
P.S. The reason me crew is plannin' a muntiny on me is 'cause I ALWAYS say "Savvy" and it's just drivin' 'em NUTS!!

Dear Captain Savvy,
Like any good work, infrequent use makes it more meaningful. I think maybe you oughta take my advice to Captain Bloody Megan. Pass your ship to a crewmate and wait a few more years before attemptin' to captain a ship. Grown men don't take kindly to bein' ordered around by a 13 year old lass!
Captain Jack Sparrow

Dear Captain Jack,
I have since followed your advice about taking a vacation. Also, during that time a friend has gotten me what she called a ‘therapist.’ He has done absolute wonders for me! Mr. Cotton (who speaks through a translator of sorts) has gotten me through my “dropping things” stage. You see, they fitted me with this corset thing, and it sure does help with my obsession with Commodore Norrington (and Mr. Cotton says the first step to knowing you are obsessed is admitting it, and I can admit it!). Instead of thinking about him all the time, I’m either passed out or in constant agony. Do you think if I pass out near Norrington he may rescue me?
Virginia

Dear Virginia,
Well, I'm glad you're recovering nicely. Be careful of the corset, however, it can be a dangerous thing. Don't sail too far from English waters with one on, trust me. There are worse things than passing out and being in constant agony. Thinking of Norrington would put me in constant pain!
Captain Jack Sparrow

Dear Captain Sparrow,
I am to be married soon, to an absolutely wonderful navy officer. There is only one problem - I have no one to give me away. My father died a long time ago, and my stepfather is currently working in Parliament. I was wondering if I could ask you a huge favor. You see, I have always looked up to you as a shining example of a good pirate, a good person, and I would be honored if you would give me away. If you cannot make it, I understand, but could you recommend someone to give me away then?
Kathleen Taylor

Dear Kathleen,
Well, lass, that's a new one! I've never been asked to give someone away at a wedding! I'd love to accomodate you, but me whereabouts are constantly changing. Perhaps Will Turner on Port Royal would oblige ye. He's an agreeable fellow most of the time. Good luck!
Captain Jack Sparrow

My dear Jack,
It´s me, ye beloved mother, Maureen Sparrow. I know that ye haven´t heard from me since a long, long time ago. Be sure I´ve had me reasons, son. I wonder if the time is right now to tell ye some really dark family secrets. Ye have to know when I was a young women I deeply fell in love to Bootstrap Bill Turner. That was before I met ye father, Jack the First, son. Anyway, when Bill and I first met, we got a big crush on each other and...ye know...son, we were young and free and we stayed one night together, if ye know what I mean. This night changed me life always and forever, because I was pregnant after it with ye, me beloved son, Jack. When I first met ye father and he confessed his love to me I told him about me misconduct, he was so kind and married me to make me a respectable woman. As ye know son, our marriage was as good as a marriage could be when two people truly love each other. I think ye didn´t miss anything in ye childhood days. But now I feel it´s time to tell ye the truth about yer roots. Ye have to know that ye dear friend, Will Turner, is ye half brother. Maybe ye felt yourself unusually familiar with Will...now ye know the reason why. For ye are the "older" brother. I beg ye to always take good care of yer little brother and to be careful when ye tell him the terrible truth. Maybe it will shock him when he realizes what that means to both of ye. I truly hope that it shocked ye not way too much, son, but I had to tell ye the truth finally, before it was too late to do it someday. I´m not immortal, ye know. My dear son Jack, I hope so badly that ye don´t hate me for hiding this secret from ye all those years. Till ye met Will there was no reason for me to tell ye about it. But now everything has changed and ye both should know what really happened. I think this is what I owe ye , son. Lot´s of love and kisses to ye (and Will). Ye lovin´ mother,
Maureen Sparrow

Dear Mother,
Well, it's not much of a shock to me, but poor Will will have a heart-attack when he hears this. I'll find an opportune moment to drop the bomb, so to speak. It was hard for him to accept that his father was a pirate, but now to find out he's related to me! Well, it oughta be good for a few laughs! Thanks, Mom!
Captain Jack Sparrow

Dear Jack,
I'm a captain of a crew. They don't always listen t' me though. What should I do?
Signed,
Captain Kana

Dear Captain Kana,
The only options are to bribe them or dump them at the next port and pick up a new crew. One pirate is as good as another, lass.
Captain Jack Sparrow

Dear Jack,
I've been lookin' all over for ya! Me heard great things about ye from Will. I be so lookin' forward to meeting ye one day. I be livin' with Will right now. I be lookin' for a pirate crew to join. Maybe I can join yers! Oh, me name is Selene Sparrow! I be yer daughter!!!
Love you always and forever,
Your lovin' and beautiful daughter
Selene Sparrow

Dear Selene,
Okay, that's enough of ye! I don't have any children, and even if I did, I'm not takin' ye all on my ship or sharin' me fortune with ya! It's bad enough that I now have a brother to split things with!
Captain Jack Sparrow

Dear Captain Sparrow,
Me friend Will-o and I be pirate girlies. We be havin' some questions for ye. Why IS the rum gone? Well, if yer ever up fer a drink, let us know, eh? Did ye build the Black Pearl yerself or where did ye buy it? By the way, do ye have anything against eunuchs? And is Will really one? Did he adopt his kids? Did you adopt any kids? Heard from Mitze lately? Did ye get yer dreadlocks done or was it a result of never brushing your hair out, eh? Are yer teeth gold or just rotted? I be thinkin' of gettin' dreads but I can't yet, durnit. Our ship be called "Dragon's Blood". If you ever run into us, no pillaging, eh? Right. See ya around Tortuga.
~Dani-el and Will-o~

Dear Dani-el and Will-o,
Ah, lass, there be too many questions in that letter to tackle at one time, so I'll pick me favorites. The rum is gone because Elizabeth burned it up to make a signal fire. A shameful waste of rum, if ye ask me. How I got the Black Pearl is a secret, just so's you know not to ask again. Eunuchs are okay, but not much use to anyone excepting those who have a harem, if you know what I mean. Me hairstyle is a matter of ease, not style. And the gold teeth are a gift from a king of a small island in the south Pacific who happened to owe me for savin' his life. Don't ask about kids (mine, Will's, or anyone else's) or Mitze or not pillaging. As to the last, I'm a pirate, lass, what do ye expect?
Captain Jack Sparrow

Jack,
Me name be Miss Captain Jack Sparrow and my friend is, too. We were both wondering why is it that you are so sexy? 'Cause we've seen a lot of pirates and none of them are as SEXY as you. Also, do you need some new pirate girls by your side, 'cause we be ready, just say the word, Captain.
Melinda

Dear Melinda,
How can you both be named Jack Sparrow? I think you've been in the rum a little too much, lass. And sexy isn't really something I work on. It's just a natural gift, I suppose!
Captain Jack Sparrow

Jack,
Me name be Brandi and my friend here is Cristina. We just wanted to know if you were ready to sign them papers for our marriage. You left in the middle of the reception, because you said you had some business with Davy Jones. Anyways, I'm also pregnant. So is Cristina. We're gonna have your babies soon, so come and visit us, luv. Also, Elizabeth tells me that young Cors needs a mother and me and Cristina (queens of the Black Pearl) are happy to adopt her. Well, luv it's getting late and I hope to see you soon and to have you here in our arms soon and to kiss your gourgeous lips.
Much love,
Brandi And Cristina Sparrow
P.S. We LOVE YOU !!!!

Dear Brandi and Cristina,
Girls, I think you and Melinda be drinkin' from the same keg. This letter is disturbing on many levels, and I think you both need to be locked safely away from the rest of society. Good luck with yer fantasies, lasses.
Captain Jack Sparrow

Dear Capt'n Jack,
After your good advice, we members of the Loyal Order of the Femme Fatales of Ireland decided to outfit our own ship and it as comfy and cozy with only handsome young sailors to run her and for us to look at. We be thanking you for your help and would welcome you to come aboard to share some good Irish stew with us. The Blessed Day of St. Patricks comes up once a year and you might as well come party with us as some other mangy crew. Let us know where you'll be dropping anchor and we'll meet you there. What do say, Jackie, me lad?
Your inspired mates "The LOFFI"

Dear "Loffi" mates,
Ah, finally, a real pirate to breathe some fresh air into my hold! I'm glad my advice worked out, it's no problem to help a fellow pirate. I'll be glad to share some Irish stew washed down with some good Irish whiskey. Why wait until St. Patrick's holiday? I'll try to catch up with ye soon. Thanks for the invite!
Captain Jack Sparrow

Dear *Captain* Jack Sparrow,
Hi, I'm a lady of the Spinks household in the Caribbean. Lady Will. I'm having trouble with my father recently. See, he won't let me be who I am! See, I like to have an adventure and be more "free" than trapped in my father's grasp. Or, at least, I dream that I can have one interesting adventure, as I know nothing about the outside world. My mother is all up for me to go into the world by myself (apparently she doesn't want to accompany me.) The trouble is that my father is putting on high security so I won't do a bedroom window escape. Could you give me a few pointers on how should I survive the world outside (if I will survive) and how to escape my father? I would appreciate it if you would be so kind to read and reply.
Thank you very much,
Lady Willilly
P.S I am fluent in Spanish, English, and French. Do you suppose I should head to Spain or France? But I do hate cheese...or fondue.
P.S.S Thank you again. I apperciate it.

Dear Lady Willilly,
Lass, father's are hard to deal with. I suggest bribing the guards first, then ambushing them and subduing them. If you are unable to accomplish either of these, then maybe it's best you don't enter the world for an adventure. You might get into more than you bargain for!
Captain Jack Sparrow

Dear Captain,
How are you today? (assuming you'll ask me the same question) I'm perfectly fine except...My name is Lavender and I'm currently looking for a exciting job. Do you know anyone who might open a company that I would like? Also, I have a couple of sloppy men chasing me through the town - is there any way to ward OFF these men???! Help! I'm desperate! (Assuming you'll give me excellent advice...) Thank you.
Lavender R. Puder
P.S. I'm in much of a hurry and in need of somewhere where there won't be any disgusting men. Thank you. I really need to know - or else...gots to go! the postman is going and the men found me...again. So help, please. Thanks!

Dear Lavender,
Lass, excellent advice is the only kind I give! As to your problem, I'm confused. You didn't say why these men are chasing you. If it's because they want to rob you, then I suggest you get a gun. If it's unwanted suitors you have, then I suggest you get a gun. Either that, or find someone decent to marry. That usually (usually) discourages men interested in a lass. Until you get rid of the unwanted men, I suggest you put your business plans on hold. Business is not suited to women, anyway, lass. Stick to being pretty and learning to paint or embroider to pass the time.
Captain Jack Sparrow
P.S. I'm fine, and you?

Dear Jack,
Ay. I be a girl, but me dreams is to be a pirate someday! I be wantin' to know if ye had any advice fer a young lass like I. And if ye had any spare rum!
Tentative Lass

Dear Tentative,
With a name like Tentative, you don't need to be a pirate, lass. See my advice in the letter right above yours.
Captain Jack Sparrow

Hello Captain Sparrow,
My name is Venus. I'm a lass turning 14 in March. I'm the Captain of the Dark Winged Angels, hopefully you have heard of it. The Black Pearl sounds like a beautiful ship. I'm looking for the treasure of Captain Lewis. She was a great friend of mine that passed away a few months ago from being hanged by Commodore Norrington. She never told me where it was, but she gave me some clues to where it hides. I was wondering if you have any good tips on finding hidden treasure?? If you're in Tortuga some time, look me up in the Faithful Bride!!
Fair Winds and a following sea,
Captain Venus

Dear Captain Venus,
Hidden treasure isn't named that for nothin', lass. It takes luck, and a lot of luck, not to mention lot of luck. Savvy? Clues can be helpful, but unless you're sharp like me, they won't get you too far. Need I say....good luck?!
Captain Jack Sparrow

Dear Captain Jack Sparrow,
It's Captain Liz Wildfire again. I took your advice and it turned out that the pirate I loved loved me back! His name is Captain Black Jack Daniels of the Poseidon's Revenge. He said he's a long-time friend of yours. We're going to get married in April on the beach of a deserted island. I can't wait until then! Also, Jack wanted me to invite you to come if you can. There will rum. But Jack and I understand if you can't come, because of the whole Norrington thing. So thank you for the wonderful advice! Love ya!
Godspeed,
Captain Liz "Lady Luck" Wildfire

Dear Captain Wildfire,
I love it when a plan comes together! Yes, I remember Black Daniels, he was a good mate. Glad to hear of the impending marriage. I've been held up on my way back to the Caribbean, so I've missed the wedding. But I've been on one deserted island too many lately, so it's probably for the best. Hope to see ya around sometime.
Captain Jack Sparrow

(Your letter goes here! So send it in, you scabrous dog!)

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