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Dear Jack,
I would love to sail the seas with you and be your sweet lass, if ye would not mind me being at ye side.
Plus, I love ya with all me heart. If Barbossa gives ye a hard time I wouldn't mind kickin' his butt for
ye.
Love,
Jenna
P.S. I am a 19 year old lass.
Dear Jenna,
Sorry, lass, I'm much too busy for true love right now. And Barbossa is dead, but thanks for the offer.
Captain Jack Sparrow
Dear Jack,
M'name's Eecal Cortez, Captain o' the Aztec Wolf (me great, great, great, great grandfather's ship). I was visitin'
me great, great, great, great grandfather's cave of Aztec gold and noticed a few o' the 'family heirlooms' missin'.
I was wonderin if yer crew, or perhaps another ship ye know, had come along and taken a few coins. And why was there
a bit o' blood on the pile o' Aztec, and no one there but me an' me crew....?
Sincerely,
Eversailin' Eecal
Dear Captain Cortez,
Aztec gold, eh? Hmmm...can't say as I've ever heard 'o any of that layin' around in a cave. Sorry, mate!
Captain Jack Sparrow
Mr. Captain Jack Sparrow,
My name is Mae. I am 14, and am the nurse's daughter on the ship The Aztec Wolf. Well, the crew went for a raid
in a supposedly rich town, and the captian, Eecal, along with 5 men, got ahold of a few barrels of rum. We're out at sea,
and now everyone is drunk except me. I'm trying to steer the boat, and me mom is hidin' in the nursery cabin,
because the men are rowdy.... Eecal fell over in the middle of the deck while her and the rest of the crew were singing
"Yo Ho Yo Ho A Pirate's Life For Me, We pillage, we plunder, we rifle, we loot...." and in very bad tunes. They're also
singing at the top of their lungs, and then Eecal drank some more rum and kept singing... then she fell over and her and
most of the crew are laughing and it's echoing 'cross the ocean! She's laughing so hard she can't get up and...
SPLINTERS FELL OVERBOARD BACKWADS and now they're all laughing at him.... I can hear him laughing at himself from the water.
HOW DO I END THIS MADNESS? Oh, and Eecal just asked what I was doing and I said, Writing to Jack Sparrow," and she offered you
a barrel of rum, which I've attached to this message.
Thanks,
Mae
Dear Mae,
I appreciate the rum, but you're lucky the postman found it floating in the ocean, or I'd 've never gotten it. Not a very
reliable method of transport, lass. I'm not sure what to tell ye, except to convince yer mother to find a better job if ye
don't like bein' on a pirate ship. It's not for everyone, lass, and sounds like yer in over yer head. Good luck.
Captain Jack Sparrow
Dear Captain Sparrow,
I just joined a pirate crew who found me when I was peeking at their
treasure (even though it was what they say a secret cave), but they
don't do anything but look at the treasure they already have. Shouldn't
they be pilfering and doin' other stuff like that? What should I do,
leave their crew or just steal some treasure myself and give it to
them so they will remember what new treasure is like and let them join
me on what I am doing?
Signed,
Devil Pirate
Dear Devil Pirate,
That crew has lost their way, mate. I suggest finding another crew what knows what bein' a pirate is all about. There are
plenty of 'em about.
Captain Jack Sparrow
P.S. Good name, by the way.
Hello Jack,
Me be Veon Swallow. How do you think I should act on board a pirate ship?
Dear Veon Swallow,
If you just observe yer fellow pirates, mate, you'll learn soon enough how to act. And if you can't figure it out after a few days,
then this isn't the profession for you!
Captain Jack Sparrow
Right ye bilge rat! Listen up!
In case ye can't tell, it be Giselle, writin' to inform ye that I be with child, and yes, 'tis your's, o'course! Good to kno' ye'll
simply up and leave Tortuga whenever ye feels like, without a word! Well, apologies fer bein' so brash with ye, but, well, I'm just
so bloody scared! Tortuga be no place fer a little one. I do love ye, Jack, ye kno' that. I wish ye were here more. Been, readin'
yer letters, and I see yer got new skirts chasin' ye. Well, I shoulda known. Help me outa Tortuga an' I'll leave ye be. Ye've felt
the back of me hand before, Jack, don't make me do it again! Savvy? Not much of an incentive to help me, is it? I kno' yer an 'onerable
man, an'll do the right thing by me. 'Aint been none o' Norrington's men here fer months, sick o' goin' round in circles searchin' fer
ye, I s'pose. 'ope to be seein' yer ship on the 'orizon soon, Jack. I send me love and that o' me little one.
Be seein ye soon,
Giselle
Dear Giselle,
Ye been a good lass, so I'm sendin' ye some money to get ye to the colonies. I don't mean to question yer honor, but it's hard for me
to believe I be the father of yer child. If it comes out lookin' like me, then we can talk again. At least the money will get ye to a
safer place and hopefully get yer started fresh. Best wishes.
Captain Jack Sparrow
Hi Jack,
I am a 19 year-old lass and me father been gettin' on me nerves. What should I do? Jack, I love ye with all me heart and soul.
What kind of eye liner do ye use? It makes ye look cool and really cute. I wish that I could meet ye, Jack, it would be really sweet!
Yer mate,
Jenna
Dear Jenna,
Yer letter's a little disjointed, lass. Obviously yer father is bothering you more than you love me, or ye'd 'ave told me that first. Anyway,
it's time to marry and move out of yer father's house. Forget about me, lass, I'm not the marryin' kind. I don't use "eyeliner", it's a henna
I picked up on a trip to India a while back. I thought it added a certain style to me look. That's important to a pirate, you know.
Captain Jack Sparrow
Cpt. Sparrow,
I found Will Turner for ye, and warned him about Norrington's plans, but turns out the old Commodore has decided that I make a better target.
I've relocated to that little island that your crew had marooned you on, and I restocked that pitifully empty rum cellar - if you care for a drink
and some company, I could use both - and a tip towards Norrington's newest location...he's making my job extremely difficult...
"Fae"
Dear Fae,
I'm on my way back to the Caribbean, lass, so I'll try to catch up with ye. A rest on a deserted isle sounds peaceful after the voyage I've recently
been on!
Captain Jack Sparrow
Dear Cap'n Sparrow,
I know that Barbossa *was* your first mate, an' I was a-wonderin' how he got thar. Thar must have been some sorta friendship between you two
to let him have such a high-rankin' position....can ya give me some backround? Tha longer an' more detailed tha better.
Curious an' thankful,
Adeline 'Inky' Ibotson
Dear Adeline,
Aye, we were mates for awhile, servin' on another ship. Then I got the Black Pearl, and I think he began to get jealous of me havin' such a fine ship,
and his heart turned black to match the color of my ship. He was my first mate because he knew a lot about sailin', and was good at givin' orders (something
I was never good at, I must admit). The rest, as they say, is history!
Captain Jack Sparrow
Me Deares' Captain Jack Sparrow,
This is Lady Sparrow & Captain Jessie James (feminine, if ye please, sir). We own The Blood Moon, but we don' have a crew...Actually, we've
pretty much jus' begun our pirate days, & although we have a very good idea of what we're doing...we need guidance. So we thought & thought of
who ta recruit, & came up with nothin' better than the infamous Captain Jack Sparrow...& no, ye won't be a crew member, if tha's what yer thinkin',
ye'll be a Commodore, with a really big hat, & hey, ye'll have two females all ta yer onesies. If ye don' want ta join us, could ye at leas' help us
find an able bodied crew??
Our Bes' Regards,
Lady Sparrow & Captain Jessie James
Dear Lady Sparrow and Captain James,
Sorry, lasses, I don't mix myself up in other crews. I have enough to do keepin' up with the Black Pearl and this advice column. I suggest you stop in
at Tortuga if yer in the Caribbean, there's always plenty of miscreants lookin' for a ship to pillage on. Have fun!
Captain Jack Sparrow
Ahoy there Jack!!
Listen, me and Elizabeth have been friends since we were 5 years old (Hi Elizabeth!!). Anyway, I'm but a lass of 17 (younger then Elizabeth). Anyway,
back to the point - I think we met once before at the Blacksmith's shop with William. You remember right? I'm the one with short blonde hair down to
my shoulders and I have the green eyes? Anyways I'm running away from home, because my father wants me to marry Commodore Norrington and I know he's
in Tortuga right now, so he won't read this. Do you know any good pirate ships without any "rotten" pirates? If you could answer, that would be great, thanks!
Yours truly,
Andrea aka Andy
PS: I would love to see you again someday, I had a joy talking with you at Will's shop.
Dear Andy,
Don't blame you for not wantin' to marry Norrington. What a boring chap! See the previous letter for a crew to join. If you're going to Tortuga, look 'em up!
Captain Jack Sparrow
Ethal,
I find you to be all talk and no action. You don't frighten me and I don't know why you want everyone in your path to quiver. Once I asked a boy if he knew the way
to the nearest pub and he said "Dont hurt me!" I replied, "Just tell me the way to the-" "AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!" he screamed. It's very hard to talk to people that way. *sigh*
Also, acording to the 'threatening' note you sent to Glick and RJ, you aren't reading the rules at the top o' the first page. "We run a clean ship here, matey. Don't be askin/sayin'
nothin ye wouldn't want yer mother to see!". Also, there is a technique I know that would be as bad, if not worse, than attacking someone from behind and then stepping around and...
and then slicing the... and whatever it is you say you will do: Keelhauling. I don't know anything much worse. It's also a lot less threatening to those who don't understand
what it means, and it keeps Cap'n Jack from having to read such gruesome... writing. Please reply as to why you pointlessly threaten people and hope they are scared.
Sincerely and dearly,
Eecal Cortez
Dear Eecal,
Well, I printed your letter just because I like what it says, but this isn't your personal message service. Get yer own postman to deliver your mail!
Captain Jack Sparrow
Dear Esteemed Cap'n Jack Sparrow,
My first mate and I recently acquired a rather large sailboat. She is
small in comparison to the Black Pearl, but she is gorgeous, fast and sea-worthy.
We named her "Perseverance." What say you to that name? We
are new sailors and need your advice. My first mate and I are both
known to be extremely clean, orderly, thorough, strict, protective,
commanding, demanding, bossy, pushy, authoritative, and ethical. We
have always obeyed the law and tend to put folks in their place when
they do something against us or against someone we love. Do you think
we are cut out to be pirates? How do you keep from getting caught by
the authorities?
Sincerely,
Cap'n Bloody Demanding Robin and First Mate Raging Authority Watson
Dear Cap'n Robin and First Mate Watson,
Ha! Your letter made me laugh, mates. I can't say that some of those adjectives are often used to describe pirates, but heh, you can be any
kind of pirate you like! As to not getting caught by the authorities, well, that does sometimes happen. The trick is to make sure you escape before
your hangin'! Being smart and cultivating friends who will come to your rescue helps!
Captain Jack Sparrow
Dear Jack,
The next time you're near my end of the sea, would you consider picking up a poor girl yearning for adventure on the high seas?
I am quickly tiring of this dreary existence we call life on the land. I would be a great addition to your crew. I don't get seasick,
I'm ready for adventure, and I'm a pretty good cook, which would probably make many a man on your crew mighty happy. I bet
Anamaria would appreciate having another woman aboard to share some woman-talk with as well. I will be near the Caribbean in a few
months' time; come and get me, will you? I must also say, I greatly admire the appropriate nature of this website. It takes a fine man to
keep such a clean crew and correspondence! Please come for me soon! I am eagerly awaiting your answer.
Sincerely yours,
Fair Elinor the Brave
P.S: I not be offending ye, if that be what yeh think miss ^_^
Dear Fair Elinor the Brave,
I appreciate the offer, but I'm not takin' on new crew members at the moment. Read the letter by Lady Sparrow and Captain Jessie James - they
sound like a promising crew. A good cook is always welcome on a ship!
Captain Jack Sparrow
Dear Jack,
I am the son of Commodore Norrington. I am going to track you down and your ship, Captain. So have all the time you can and when I catch you, you
are going to be sent to the the gallows.
Sincerly,
John Norrington
Dear John,
Hmmm...I wasn't aware that Commodore Norrington had a son. Since he's never been married before, you must be illigitimate, which means you don't
have any authority (official or otherwise) to send me to the gallows. Get a real job, mate.
Captain Jack Sparrow
Ahoy there Jack!
Hey Jack! - (er sorry) Captain Jack Sparrow... Woohoo! I remember yer title! Anyway, I just wanted to say that you're one of the best pirates in the Caribbean.
I hope one day we'll meet. Elizabeth has told me all about you. When are you coming into town? Elizabeth wants to know. Anyways, I was just wondeirng,
why do you like rum so much? I mean, that stuff is nasty! The after taste is gross! Elizabeth says it's a vile drink! Write back soon, thanks!
Yours truly,
Angel Anderson
Dear Angel,
Can't say when I'll be back your way...I am still a wanted man, you know. Rum tastes better the more you have, lass. And in the Caribbean, there isn't much else
to choose from, unless you have money and can afford a good port! (And I don't mean the kind you sail a ship into!)
Captain Jack Sparrow
Hi...I was wondering how is " Savvy" your word? Like you didn't make it up or anything, it's still a word in the English language. You don't own it.
So...why can't people say it?....Frankly I'll say it whenever I please......no offense - I just see no point in saying that a word is yours...
From,
Arandom Perrson
Dear Arandom,
Ah, mate, you just don't understand... No, I don't "own" the word, but people identify it with me. If you used it, it just wouldn't sound right. Sorry, mate,
but sometimes it's how you say a word that makes all the difference!
Captain Jack Sparrow
Hey Jack,
I just wondering out a curiosity an' all, if you could meet anyone in the world, who would it be?
Infamous Ingi
Dear Infamous,
Good question! You didn't specify if it had to be someone living now, so I'll pick someone from history. I would like to meet Marco Polo, if I could. He was a man after me own
heart, an explorer who loved to see what was over the horizon. He was also a savvy trader (not a pirate like me) and opened up the East to Europe. He would be very intersting
to talk to, I think.
Captain Jack Sparrow
Dear Captin Jack,
My name be Captain Valuptuous. I 'av heard o' your ship the Black Pearl. Me an my matie First Mate Char were wonderin' if you'd be havin' any space on your ship fer two hard-workin'
pirates, savvy? I saw ye in Port Royal 'n thought ye were so cute. Me Matie preferred Will. But if ye be gettin' any space on yer ship ye be comin for me an me matey, savvy?
'Cos we're the ones who'll work hard for ye. Oh yeah, but we're girls. That not be a problem will it?
Love,
Valuptuous
Dear Valuptuous,
Sorry, mate, but I'm not takin' on any new crew now. I'm scalin' back and tryin' to take it easy. Check previous letters for other crews you might like to join.
Captain Jack Sparrow
Hi Capt'n Gorgeous!
Jack, ye be so stunnin'! What be your secret? I've been on the look out for a pirate as gorgeous as ye, but there not be any!!! Hope we can meet some day?! If ye ever be in
the port o' Leith ye make sure ye drop by for a swig o' the finest rum?! By the way, if ye ever be lookin' to settle down, I be the lassie for ye and I love sailing!!
Love ye forever,
Your little honey Captain Rebellious!!!!XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
Dear Captain Rebellious,
Thanks for the sentiments, lass. I can't take credit for me looks, such as they are, that was due to me ma and pa. Of course, dressin' sharp is important to a pirate's
overall look, and I work hard at keepin' that up to standard.
Captain Jack Sparrow
Hey Jack,
My name is Christine and I have a problem. I'm best friends with Elizabeth Turner. Well, at least I think I am. She won't talk to me for some reason.
I think it's because I made a comment about rich people. No, I'm not rich myself. But what should I do? She's avoiding me and she's the only friend I've got.
Christine
Dear Christine,
We all say things from time to time that we regret. You need to ask Elizabeth why she won't talk to you. It's important to discuss your problems, or they
will never go away. Of course, Elizabeth can be pig-headed sometimes, so if she won't clear the air with you, find a new friend!
Captain Jack Sparrow
Jack,
I've been thinkin' about becoming the captain of me own ship. Although the captain of the ship I'm in now, the Bloody Rose, says not to get into it,
for the great responsibility. He said that I was "Not the kind of lass for the job." I strongly disagree. I have been hiding on the ship for
5 years and have not been discovered by the crew, just the captain, who has become fond of me. He kept me a secret, for he did not want the crew to
discover where he got his great knowledge of everything. Is he right? What would I be getting myself into? What kind of things would be expected of me?
Yer kind and secret fellow pirate,
Halana Black-Hand
Dear Halana,
I hate to break it to ya, lass, but a secret pirate is not really a pirate! Ye must pillage and plunder and sword-fight and swagger and drink lots 'o rum
in the pub to be a real pirate. You need to break free of this "captain" who is just suppressing you! If yer not cut out for being a pirate in public, then
you're not a pirate at heart. Best to find this out early, lass, instead of later.
Captain Jack Sparrow
(Your letter goes here! So send it in, you scabrous dog!)
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