Page 5
Aye me bucko,
Be-in a traveler as yoreself, I am bewilderin' ta know if y'll
be 'aving some information in area of knowin 'oo be 'olin the
deed to a certain bit o land in France. Marseille, in particalar. (Although,
if it be possible for a nice dark lass ta be deliverin it to me, waal,
that'ld be grand, eh what mate?)
I'll be need'n to know the name of the notaire that 'andled the last
sale, afore I aquired the spot, legally o course, to be able tu aquire the
deed in question, thereby knowin' the particalers involved. Meself, I was a
thinkin' there would be a ways fir a good boy such as meself ta find a
recordin' of such a purchase as that of property in Marseille. 'Owever as the
famous and highly paid french assasin, Jacques Les Blue, I'll mus' be askin
fore yore intelligence and assistance. With yore resourcefullnesses, wellt
I'll be 'opin that you'll be willin' ta 'elp a fellow 'ere, eh what maity?
Obviously, too meself as it were, wit you, front monie or gol' (gold,
ye lan lubers) aiyee! yer assistance is well... As I say though matey,
information from yer would be grand.
If this is not up yore particalar alley, it'll be understandable by
meself, tiss true. Jus' send me the nice dark lass, eh, matey? Winds ahoy,
surfs up, crabs in yer pants eh? har, har, har Cap'n Jack.
I'll be ' appy as a a turtle in mud an' grateful too, if ya know wut
me meanin' is 'ere mate. Grateful as well, grateful. Ships ahoy!
Jack McCall
Dear Jack McCall,
Sorry, mate, I'm a long way from France, and don't have many contacts there,
seein' as how I'm a British pirate. I can't send ye a "nice dark lass", since
I've no idea where ye be, and I'm not sure I'd submit a lass, dark or otherwise, to
yer strange sense of humor ("crabs in me pants"???). Good luck, and sorry I can't help ye out.
Captain Jack Sparrow
Just a quick note to Ethel Kidd,
Don't worry 'bout what they think. I'm a lot like you, love, and believe me, there's nothin'
wrong with bein' crazy. As Jack (and I) can testify to, if anythin' it makes you a better Captain.
I'm not sure I ever met a pirate who's not a bit crazy, and the ones who are VERY crazy.....
some of my favourites. Keep it up, lass!
Captain Andi Skott of the Blood Ruby
P.S. No Jack, I haven't forgotten you. I hope all's well with the Pearl. And to any pirate not
written to so far.....red sails on the horizon means your ship on the sea floor and your plunder
aboard my ship (and if I'm in a good mood I'll keep ya alive and use you as slave labor,
but the captain ALWAYS dies- I'm the only leader aboard my ship unless Ethel or Jack's over for rum, savvy?)
Dear Captain Skott,
Aye, we all be a little crazy. But in a good way.
Captain Jack Sparrow
Gar! I be in a spot of bother! Y'see, I only really like two of me crew, Natalie 'Nat' the Bloody and
Jemma 'Jem' the Bloodthirsty! The others I think are a bit wussy! Especially Jack Bluebird...he be a
bit of a nancy boy! What shall I do with 'em?
Captain Laura
Captain of The Golden Truffle
Dear Captain Laura,
The answer is obvious - plank 'em!
Captain Jack Sparrow
Dear Jack,
Ahoy! Who is Ethel Kidd? Her letters sound fierce, but I'll bet money she be too scared to set foot on any boat,
let alone a pirate ship. What would ye do to her if ye and she crossed paths in the Caribbean? Kidd is just scared.
She amounts to monkey poop - - from BARRBOSSA'S MONKEY! What is your favorite weapon? See you on the ocean.
Captain Fearless
P.S. If you see Kidd, tell her I challenge her to a sword fight in Tortuga.
Dear Captain Fearless,
I think yer wrong about Ethel Kidd - she be a real pirate with nerves of steel. If I cross paths with her, she's
going to share some rum with me. If YOU cross paths with her, she'll likely blow you out of the water. Stay away
from her and save yerself some heartache. I'll pass along your challenge, though, next time I "talk" to her. Me favorite weapon
is me wits. They've saved me from many a scrape.
Captain Jack Sparrow
Dear Jack,
It's been awhile, hasn't it? I have come asking for your advice. Will told me he must go, but not telling me why. He left
off in a rowboat to Tortuga. Yesterday I found out why - Norrington wants me back. He wants Will killed, and will go anywhere
to find him. The children are restless. Please find him and keep him safe. I am locked in my room, so you are my last hope.
My father says I must marry in the next week or I will be forced to watch Will hanged. Please help.
Sincerely,
Elizabeth
Dear Elizabeth,
Sorry, lass, but I'm in the Indian Ocean right now searching out some treasure. I cannot help you. Will is pretty smart, he'll
be fine. You've gotten out of worse scrapes before.
Captain Jack Sparrow
Dear Jack,
Sorry about the letter I sent, and if you got confused, then I didn't mean it. Well, thanx for telling I shouldn't go into
the Mediterranean 'cos of the vicious Barbary pirates, but I am safe to say that the treasure isn't there.
Signed,
Ming T'ien
Dear Ming T'ien,
No problem, mate. Remember, I imbibe rum on a regular basis. It tends to affect the reasoning areas of me brain in an adverse way.
That means I get drunk often.
Captain Jack Sparrow
Dear Cap'n Sparrow,
Ye don't remember me, most likely, but greetings from Tortuga. If you recall, the last time you passed by, yeh stopped in at the tavern.
I was the dark-haired, blue-eyed lass that served ye rum, if you remember. (More likely to remember the grog than the girl...)
To the point, Cap'n, I've been alerted to yer return to the Caribbean Seas, and I thought yeh'd like to know that the little tavern
wench has turned pirate. Ye be busy, so I won't pester yeh with questions concerning yer whereabouts, I've got ...business...
of meself on the island, and I rarely interact with other pirates as it is. But if ye happen to make berth in Tortuga again,
ye might ask for "Fae," and I'll see what I can do by way of arranging a little reunion. I can't promise ye safety, but then again,
no Cap'n of the Pearl is afraid of a little danger, aye?
Piratess "Fae"
Dear "Fae",
I never forget a pretty face, luv. But I'm not yet back in the Caribbean, so sightings of me are greatly exaggerated. I'll look ye
up when I do get back, no worries.
Captain Jack Sparrow
Jack,
Yo ho, Jack. Should I make my first mate Jason walk the plank for foul mouthin' my ship?
Captain Death
Dear Captain Death,
Of course. Let him find a better one, if he can.
Captain Jack Sparrow
P.S. Good name, by the way.
Hi! Ya know, I was wondering how can you answer e-mails on the computer if computers weren't invented in pirate times?! I'm sensing some black magic here matey!!!! Arrrrgggg...
From, Arandom Pursen
Dear Arandom,
I have no idea what you're talkin' about. I don't engage in black magic, it makes me queasy.
Captain Jack Sparrow
Captain Jack,
It's been too long. I came to tell you that there's a new treasure out there for the taking! It's enough that I've docked me ship and taken to land
(it's so bloody dry here!) to find it. There are several pieces hidden all over the norther american continent and the clues to finding it are in a
children's book! Each piece is worth tens of thousands of pounds and they're not underwater, buried, in caves, on private property, or in dangerous
or hard-to-get-to areas. I have to admit, that takes some of the fun out of it, but I'm still too greedy to pass it up. Just thought I'd let me mate
in on a profitable secret.
Yours truly,
Captain Andi Skot of the Bloodruby
Dear Captain Skot,
Well, after re-reading yer letter, I have to say that it's still a secret, 'cause you didn't give me enough details to know what yer talkin' about!
But maybe next time we meet face-to-face you can fill me in. Enjoy the hunt.
Captain Jack Sparrow
Dear Jack,
Well, I am glad you care that I am doing well. I hope you are doing well, too? I think that was a good guess with Ming T'ien, 'bout what he put in
his letter. Forget what he said, I am a good pirate, even tho' I escaped death 3 times in my life. I only know him 'cuz we knew each other when we
were little, but that is history. Jack, I'm looking for this place full of treasure, either around the Greek islands or around somewhere in the
Caribbean. It has been said that it moves every so often. I think it is called "The Lost Treasure of Norrington".
Luv Captain Bleeding Hart Pearl
Dear Captain Pearl,
A treasure named after our dear Norrington? Now, that is irony. Maybe he had an ancestor who was a pirate and the treasure was lost. Let me know
what else you find out. As to a place that moves around, that sounds very mysterious. Or perhaps it's a ship?
Captain Jack Sparrow
Jack,
I be forgettin' that the fool of a Commodore is after ye. If ye stop by, stay at the tavern-I'll find ye-no use riskin' a Captain's life when my own
is at stake already. Keep a sharp eye-I've still got a lovely knack for trouble.
"Fae"
P.S. If ye been in need of a good sword here in Tortuga, mine works under cover of darkness for all who pay well. We'll discuss a personal favor
if ye stop by- I know ye've got a passel of brats claiming kinship that could use a taste of my blade.
Dear "Fae",
Ah, leave the brats alone. Who knows, they might be mine after all. No sense in harmin' 'em. Since you're there on Tortuga, maybe you can find
Will Turner and help him out. Norrington is after him, I hear. He's a good mate 'o mine, and I'd hate to see him come to harm. Tell him Jack said
to head back to Port Royal and his responsibilities there. He'll understand. Thanks, lass.
Captain Jack Sparrow
Dear Jack,
I was just wonderin', why did ye become a pirate and how do ye become a pirate?
Thanks,
Liza
Dear Liza,
Ah, I don't tell me own tale much. Let's just say I had a hard childhood and piratin' was the only way I had to make a livin', such as it was.
Anyone can become a pirate just by joinin' up with a pirate crew. They're all over where the waters are warm and the treasures abundant. Ye gotta
be willin' to break the law, risk hangin' or plankin' or other unpleasant circumstances, and enjoy hangin' out with a very rough crowd. It isn't
for everyone.
Captain Jack Sparrow
To the...best pirate I've ever heard of *coughs*,
I had chanced upon this nook of yours through the word of another pirate,
and I have to inquire, are you truly this foolish? Although you have chosen
to hide whilst the search for your hanging continues, the search still does,
I assure you, continue. This open invitation of your hidden presence is
symmetrical with challenging the navy. It will only get you captured, and
next time, there will not be another to save your hanging. Reflect upon
that, Captain Sparrow.
Keeping an eye on you,
Jim Nory
Dear Jim,
Ah, I be on a fast ship, with a brave crew, and lots of nasty cannon. I think the danger to myself
is minimal. What would life be like without a little excitement? Besides, every pirate knows one
day he will end up at the bottom of the ocean or at the end of a rope, it's only a matter of time.
But if you think Norrington is a major threat to me, then you don't know him very well!
Captain Jack Sparrow
Dear Captain Jack Sparrow,
I just came across your little advice column and just wanted to say that I thought ye were doing quite the job.
If ye like, I'll buy ye a drink and we can have a captain-to-captain talk (once the coast is clear, that is).
Wishing ye fair winds and a fallowing sea,
Yours truly,
Captain Lady Sparrow
P.S. Amazing how we hav' the same last names, but I don't think we're related ..ta
Dear Captain Lady,
Names are nothin', lass, it's the reputation that counts. Thanks for the offer for a drink, I'd like that.
Captain Jack Sparrow
Dear Jack,
I see ye having an "advice" column. Trying to get the public into your scheme! I see ye has a lot in ye mind.
Well, I am going to take over here, you see! It will be called "ASK EVILTOES"!!! yes yes YES!!!!! I'll make
sure you go back to your little island and never come back, 'cause this time you don't got your rum with you anymore ... muhahaha!
Yours Truly,
Captain Eviltoes
Dear Captain Eviltoes,
Since it's just yer toes what are evil, I don't think I have to worry too much. You obviously don't have my charm and
probably don't have my good looks, so good luck findin' people to ask yer advice.
Captain Jack Sparrow
Dear Jack,
I might just be a lass, but I'm strong-willed and have a knack for causing trouble and getting out of a bad situation,
and I have one problem I can't solve. I love the sea, but me parents are land-lovers and they don't seem to get that I'd
rather be on a real ship rather than the "Yacht" they bought. Could you help me?
A partner in crime,
Willing Willow
P.S. I am captain of Red Blood Black Sails
Dear Captain Willow,
Until you're old enough to break out on yer own, use the time wisely to learn all ye can about the sea. Even on a "yacht", ye
can learn the ways of the ocean - currents, winds, habits of the sea creatures, and so on. That extra knowledge will give ye
an advantage over more ignorant pirates, be sure of that, lass!
Captain Jack Sparrow
Dear Captain Jack,
I am 19-year-old lass who wonders, do you have a sweetheart? I would love to
be yours and I've had a crush on you for 'bout a week. Ye are the most
charming pirate in the world, and ye make my me heart bubble up and I want
to kiss you so tenderly that ye always be on me mind.
Love ya dearly,
Heart lover Jen
Dear Jen,
I'm glad ye said yer age, because I could've sworn ye be 13. A week-long crush, lass, is hardly anything to get worked up about.
I don't have a sweetheart, but aren't really lookin', either. Not that a sweet kiss would be bad, but ye need to find a bloke
who's more accessible.
Captain Jack Sparrow
Dear Jack,
I have found out more stuff 'bout the lost treasure of Norrington. Seems to me that Norrington comes from a long line of pirates,
but he broke the line by becoming a Navy man. The treasure belongs to his great-great-great-grandfather, but it was passed down
to his uncle. When his uncle died, the treasure vanished. That's what I found out from people, but what I found out from what I read
is that the place that keeps moving is that either his uncle or great-great-great-grandfather keeps moving it from place to place
or it was on a ghost ship that still travels around the world. You can only see the ship when a thick fog has a risen in the dead
of night. That is all I have found out about Norrington's life, and his past. I will found out more for you.
Luv, Captian Bleeding Hart Pearl
Dear Captain Pearl,
Hmmm...still sounds pretty impossible to find. But it's interesting that Norrington has the blood of a pirate in 'im. Wonder if he knows...
\
Captain Jack Sparrow
Dear Jack,
I know what you are going on about, but I really didn't mean to say that about Captian Pearl. But I need your help. I have found some treasure.
On the chest it has a bird flying and behind it is the setting sun. There is nothing in the books on this ship that tells me anything about the chest,
but I think you might know. Do you?
Signed,
Ming T'ien
Dear Ming T'ien,
Aye, I know that symbol well. It's where I got me name from! The sparrow is flying into the sun on the horizon to unknown waters. I don't know
the origin of it, but I've found some treasure boxes in different places with that picture on it. It captured my imagination, and I renamed meself
"Jack Sparrow". (You don't wanna know what me last name was before!)
Captain Jack Sparrow
Dear Jack,
'ello Jack, 'tis I, Capt. Lady Turner, and of course you should know me
and Capt. Lady Sparrow. Anyways, just saying hi and to ask ye how the seas are
faring, seeing as I'm stuck on this BLOODY 'ELL GOD-FORSAKEN SPIT OF LAND!!!!
I've had a bit too much to drink, says I. Captain Lady Sparrow says hi.
Yours truly,
Capt. Lady Turner
Dear Capt. Turner,
Sorry yer havin' a tough time. But at least the drink is keepin' you occupied. The seas are fine, very warm here in the Indian Ocean. But I'm longin'
for the Caribbean. There's no prettier seas in the world, mate. Keep yer chin up.
Captain Jack Sparrow
Dear Captain Jack Sparrow,
'ello, luv. Me name is Captain Lady Scarlet. I found yer site through a friend o' mine. (Captain Lady Sparrow. She offered ye a drink.) Just thought
I would say hello. I won't be babblin' on any longer. I'm sure ye have better things ta do.
Ta, Ta,
Captain Lady Scarlet
P.S. If ye ever want ta get together and have a drink, I'd be much obliged.
Dear Captain Scarlet,
Thanks for the offer, I can always use a drink!
Captain Jack Sparrow
Mr. Sparrow,
Remember that Lieutenant on the Dauntless that you commandeered before taking the Intercepter? You'd better. Meet me in the Main Square of Port Royal
on the next *new* moon and we can settle this matter of honor once and for all. Just you and me, man to man, no pirate crew and no marines.
Lieutenant Gillette
Dear Lt. Gillette,
Yes, you be the sailor that gave up 'is ship so easily. As to a matter of honor, I see no benefit in fightin' you face to face. (Man to man seems to be
stretchin' it a bit, don't you think?) I've already bested you once in a battle of wits, you really don't want to go through that shame again, do ya? Besides,
I'm no where near Port Royal right now. We pirates get around, you know. Sorry this incident is still botherin' you, but you need to move on, mate.
Captain Jack Sparrow
Dear Jack,
I have to meet up with you. I know where you are and I am not far away. This information I have is to do with Norrington and I don't want any other
pirate to find out what it is. So what do you say? Also, the treasure of Norrington is near where you are or somewhere near you. Also, what I have
to say to you is for your ears only and it helps you to find the weakness of killing Norrington, if you want to kill him, that is.
Amy
Dear Amy,
Well, that was months ago, lass. I regret that I was captured by agents of the East India Company and have been detained by them for several months.
I managed to escape as they were transporting me back to England, and had a tough time of it locating the Black Pearl again, especially after that run-in
I had with cannibals on a small island near Mindanao. But that's a story for another day. I'll be heading back to the Caribbean soon, so if ye can,
meet up with me there.
Captain Jack Sparrow
Dear Jack,
I am your younger sister Jordan. I have been in London for the past ten years and I happen to be a Captain of a certain ship. It is called The Black Dragon.
I am coming to Port Royal to see Will and Elizabeth and their children. I have given Norrington a false report on your whereabouts and last I had heard, he
is heading to London. Any chance on seeing you in Port Royal any time soon? Please tell your lady friends to stop badgering me on when you will come back.
Your Loving Sister,
Captain Jordan Sparrow of The Black Dragon
Dear Jordan,
I don't recall having a younger sister, lass. Have ye got proof?
Captain Jack Sparrow
Jack,
Me shipmate, Swabbie Kile, has one small eye he can't see out of, and it kinda creeps me out. Should I make him wear an eyepatch, or should I not pay attention to it and let it go?
Signed,
Captain P.J. Stickly
Dear Captain Stickly,
Ah, finally a letter asking for some solid advice! If he can't see out of the eye, it might do to cover it up. Not because it creeps you out, but because an eye patch looks really cool.
I once knew a pirate who wore one just during battles for the effect. It gives a pirate a certain legitimacy and also definite style, always a consideration in our profession.
Captain Jack Sparrow
(Your letter goes here! So send it in, you scabrous dog!)
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