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Dear Captain Jack Sparrow,
As a fellow captain, I am in need of some advice. My crew recently attempted a mutiny. Luckily, I suppressed the revolt, but now morale is the worst I've ever seen in all my days at sea. Do you have anything that might perk up me crew quickly? Ye see, I'm planning a raid soon and I can't go into battle with half-hearted pirates.
A Fellow Captain,
Capin' Avarice 0X (skull and crossbones)

Dear Captain Avarice,
Rum always worked for my crew. But if you're really desperate, treat 'em to some time in Tortuga if you're in these waters. It'll pick up any crew's spirits! Just watch out for Scarlet and Giselle - they've got a mean slap!
Captain Jack Sparrow

Captain Jack Sparrow,
I know you aren't taking on more crew and I can see why, but do you know anyone who is?
The Black Widow

Dear Black Widow,
If ye know Captain Avarice, he'll probably need some extra crew soon. Catch him in Tortuga. If he's not there, check around, there's always a ship needin' able bodied crew. Good luck!
Captain Jack Sparrow

Dear Cap'n Jack,
I gotta "friend" who went to another ship. If I ever want ter see 'im, I can't. He didn't leave the name of the ship and he's probably sailed out of the area. I feel empty, 'cause I'm a loyal pirate to my captain and may never see 'im again. I think of 'im a lot and I miss 'im! What can I do?
Elyana

Dear Elyana,
I think ye'll have to wait and see if he comes back for you. Unrequited love is a difficult thing to deal with. Not that I've ever had that problem, but I've heard that said. Either find someone on your ship to love, or wait for him to return. I think I'd prefer the former, meself.
Captain Jack Sparrow

Dear Jack,
I wouldn't dare take the fun outta ya life, cos a life of a pirate is fun, but one problem is that ye also 'ave someone on ye tail, which is annoying. I like ta say that afta gettin' Norrington in me brig and without laying a finger on 'im, he seems not ta go afta ya until the next time ye vist Port Royal. So when is the next time ye gonna go ta Port Royal? I will wait till ye say that ye 'ave been ta Port Royal, then I will put Norrington back with a ramson, but for now I 'ave ta stay low, too. One reason is that every pirate that I come across knows that I got 'im and wants me head on a sliver plate and his along side so am off for a long holiday away from me old mates and away from the navy.
Luv,
Captain 'Bleedin' Hart' Pearl

Dear Captain Pearl,
Go ahead and release him. Without him around, my life might get boring. Besides, I'm sailin' out of the area for now, so he's really no threat to me. Hope you'll get a decent ransom, but I doubt it.
Captain Jack Sparrow

Dear Captain Jack Sparrow,
Rumor has it you killed your father at the age of fifteen. If you did, why did you do it and how?
Joyce James

Dear Joyce,
Hey, that's a good rumor. Be sure to add that I threw him to the sharks...uh, because he double-crossed me. Keep it spreadin', and my reputation will be further advanced. Thanks!
Captain Jack Sparrow

Dear Captain Jack Sparrow,
I come from a long line of pirates. We do pirate things all the time. We would find treasures together. Recently, my brother turned the opposite way. I love him very much, but we can’t share anything anymore. He used to be my captain, but I don’t think I could follow in his shoes. I do enjoy my ship but I miss my brother. He is trying to convince me not to be a pirate anymore. What do I do? He is family. I love being a pirate, but my brother is against it. I need your help.
Joyce James

Dear Joyce James,
We must all follow our own way. Hopefully he will understand that being a pirate is what you were meant to be. As long as he doesn't try to come after you and capture or kill you, I think it'll all work out. Best of luck!
Captain Jack Sparrow

Dearest Jack,
I've been waiting in Tortuga for you, pining away for the want of you. I long for the day we can be as one again. For the love of God, come home to me safe. I'll not be strayin' from your memory. Remember the nights on the beach, under the full moon? I can think of nothing else. How can I go on without you? How can I keep you in me 'eart?
Your Faithful Loving,
Carolina

Dear Carolina,
Wow! I wish I could remember you, sounds like we had a great time on the beach! I must've had too much rum. Please continue to keep me in your heart, and maybe we'll meet again. I'm out of the area right now, so no sense in waiting around in Tortuga for me. I'll look you up next time I'm in the Caribbean. Later, luv!
Captain Jack Sparrow

Cap'n Jack,
Me be needin' some help with a question for a crossword puzzle. Can ye tell me what an advice-giving pirate is called?
Cap'n Diana Bonny

Dear Cap'n Bonny,
An advice-givin' pirate is called a mother-in-law.
Captain Jack Sparrow

Dear Jack,
I know that you're outta the area, but I think I got a great ramson, but maybe not so great. See, I did what you said, I set him free. In return I got money, food, rum, the governer's word that I can go to Port Royal when I like without getting in prision, and the govener's word that Norrington won't go after me when I leave, which he didn't. Also, I got my ship fixed and he did give me another ship and a new crew for that ship. But I think he is up to something really weird, 'cause all my other ramson I just got rum or food or anything that I needed, but I didn't think I would be gettin' all this. I took all what they gave me and I am heading towards Nippon. I have a mate over there who needs my help, so I'll see ya around.
Luv,
Captian 'Bleeding Hart' Pearl

Dear Captain Pearl,
Sounds great, but I agree with it being suspicious. I'd keep a close eye on your new crew, if I were you! You may have a mutiny on your hands and find yourself right back in Norrington's clutches. Be sure to keep yer cabin locked at night, and don't drink too much. I love Nippon, it's a great place. Love those samurai. They're tough with a sword, though, so be careful.
Captain Jack Sparrow

Dear Jack,
I am a 19 year old lad, Captain of a ship known as The Green Dragon. Have you heard of it? Also, I know this might seem weird, but do you have any tips on sneeking outta Port Royal witout beeing seen by Norrington? See, cos I got marrooned here by my old crew and I have no idea how to get off. I do have a spare ship hidden, but every time I get a glimpse of where it is, Norrington's men are everywhere. They seem to find me, but they don't chuck me in prison for some strange reason.
Signed,
Ming T'ien Captain of The Green Dragon
P.S I know the name is weird but that aint my fault ok?

Dear Captain T'ien,
Ah, sounds like you're from Nippon (see previous letter) or China. Your philosophy is backwards. A pirate shouldn't sneak anywhere. You just go ahead and leave and fight yer way out! Or outwit Norrington (not too hard to do, I might say). A pirate shouldn't be skulking around in the shadows. It takes all the fun out of being a pirate!
Captain Jack Sparrow

Dear Jack,
What will you, Will, and Elizabeth be doing on your next adventure? I have to know!
Signed,
Chelsey Turner

Dear Chelsey,
I'd like to know, too, but, unfortunately, I can't see into the future. Sorry.
Captain Jack Sparrow

Helloooooo!
I'm from Scotland and I'm having a pirate party! Any advice on how to make it go with a bang?
Captain Jake Marrow

Dear Captain Marrow,
If it's "bang" you want, give everyone a pistol when they arrive. And don't forget the rum!
Captain Jack Sparrow

Ahoy Jack,
This is Captain Kat Ruthser, Captain of the Bloody Mary. I'm havin some problems with me crew. There are too many of 'em!! They continue to bicker over whose me first mate and second mate, etc., and when I tell them to shut up, they say that they'll betray their oaths. I'm just so soding confused. I normally don't ask for help, because I'm....the captain, but please.....help!
A Fellow Captain,
Captain Kat Ruthser

Dear Captain Ruthser,
Well, the obvious solution would be to leave some of 'em on a deserted island. That sends a powerful message to the remaining crew, and solves the problem of too many pirates on yer ship. Or just get 'em drunk at the next port and leave some behind. And don't be embarassed about asking for help. It's why I'm here, mate.
Captain Jack Sparrow

Dear Jack,
I'm a 20 year old British female pirate. I've a problem. I'm the first cannonier on a ship called "Libertad", and I fell in love with our captain. I don't know what to do. Should I tell him that I love him or not? There's also another female pirate, called Isabella, and I think "El Capitano" is more interessted in her then in me. She was kept in prison at Santo Domingo, and he wants to get her out of prison. He was only talkin' about her, but sometimes he looks at me like he is also interested in me! So I ask, is he the right pirate for me, or should I search for another one? Maybe I should change the ship? I need some special pistols and knives, too. Which would you recommend?
Yours sincerely,
Bloody Morgan Rickman

Dear Bloody Rickman,
Love is a tricky thing, lass. The only way to know if he's interested is to ask. If he's interested, then I'd leave Isabella where she is. She'll only complicate things. If he's not interested, then you should change yer ship. It'll only hurt if you see him and Isabella together later (assuming he springs her from jail). As to weaponry, ye'll just have to visit your nearest blacksmith and see what he has. Trading with other pirates is a good way to acquire something interesting, too. Captain Jack Sparrow

Dear Jack (I mean Captain Jack)
I am your fan. I am also 13. It would be so cool to meet you. What was it like to be a captain fighting other guys and so on? You are so lucky to live such a tale! Do you know of anyway I could learn more about your adventures? Is there a certain book I could get based on you? I want to be a pirate and live on the seas, but unfortunately I have other plans for my life. Well, I hope you reply and I hope one day to meet you!
Later, savvy?
Kayla

Dear Kayla,
I'm not sure why it would be "cool" to meet me, since I spend most of my time near the equator. As to how to learn more about my adventures, I'm not sure. As far as I know, there's no book about me. But maybe I'll have to write me own book. I just don't have much free time lately. It's enough to keep up with this column. The pirating life is hard, sometimes exciting, many times dangerous or boring. So it's probably good that you have other plans. Good luck.
Captain Jack Sparrow

Ahoy Cap`n,
I've always dreamed of becoming a pirate, and I shall succeed. I have pirating in my blood! It comes from my British grandfather, who I am extremely proud of!! My friend doesn`t believe pirates are still around, and sometimes she doubts that pirates used to exist!!! Can you believe it? How old ye be, I wonder? I be 13 in a couple of days. Give me a Cap`n's best wishes!!!
Fair the well,
Little Sparrow

Dear Little Sparrow,
Interesting name. Your friend must be very protected if she hasn't heard about pirates. Not to be conceited or anything, but we do have a reputation for making the high seas dangerous! I imagine there will always be pirates around to take from the rich (we're really nuthin' but theives, you know). As to my age, I'm old enough to do what I please. Best wishes to ye in followin' in your grandfather's footsteps!
Captain Jack Sparrow

Dear Jack,
I have watched me new crew and they seem okay, I have sent 4 of me best pirates on the ship. My cabin is always locked and the rum I ain't touched yet, 'cos I have been busy. When we reach Ch'in the new crew will be stuck there. And I think ye got your places mixed up. See, me mate Ming T'ien, he's from Ch'in, which is China and I was telling you I was going to Japan, which you called Nippon. And in Ming T'ien's you said that he's from Nippon, which you said is China? See, I am confused by what you put.
Luv,
Captian Bleeding Hart Pearl
P.S. Samurai are tough with a sword, but I have a katana, which can slice a normal pirate sword in two, so the samurais aren't that hard to beat!

Dear Captain Pearl,
I guessed Ming was from Nippon or China, and now I know he's from China. That must be useful, to have a Chinese on board to trade silk and tea. It's been hard to get those things since the Qings took over. I've heard they think of Europeans as "foreign devils", because we wear trousers. Must be those Portuguese who inspired that idea. They always were a cheeky sort. Glad your situation is improving.
Captain Jack Sparrow

Dear Captain Sparrow,
People think I'm crazy! What do I do???????????????????
"Mad" Ethel Kidd

Dear "Mad",
Well, when you sign your name like that, what do you expect? Besides, I thought that's what you wanted!
Captain Jack Sparrow

Hello Cap'n Sparrow,
It's me, Kayla. So how thee be, cap'n? Arrr! I haven't been the best these couple of days, savvy? So you been travelin' the sea with all your seadogs? Me, I have been bored! I live a boring life. I want to go out to sea, but I'm a long ways away from it. So what's it like bein' a pirate, me mate? Is it grand? Wishin' all my wishes in the world to you!!!!! Savvy???
Yours,
Pearl Dog (Kayla)
P.S. Will I ever meet a real pirate, I wonder?!

Dear Pearl Dog,
Aye, I've been sailin' to new waters. We had a run-in with some other pirates comin' 'round Cape Hope, but we managed to slip by 'em without too much trouble. It helps bein' on such a fast ship! But now we're in a no-wind area, so we're just sittin' around waitin'. So, see, bein' a pirate can be boring too, sometimes!
Captain Jack Sparrow
P.S. As to meetin' a real pirate, I don't think I'd wish that, lassie. Most of us are dirty, crude, and vulgar!

Dear Jack,
I have got meself off Port Royal, but only just. See, there was this high to-do up in the fort. So I took the chance and I got to me ship and luckly got away just in time, 'cos Norrington was about to set sail. Then he couldn't find me, as I am that good. How do you know that I am from Ch'in (China)? No one knows that, 'cept for Captian Bleeding Hart Pearl. She is one cool pirate.
Signed,
Ming T'ien
P.S. Have you heard of the Green Dragon before?

Dear Ming,
I've been to China one time, and met lots of men with names like yours. It's no place for an honest trader, as they want only silver in payment. And the Spanish have a monopoly on that at the moment. So it's better piratin' ships who've already picked up their goods there. Tea, silks, porcelain, and cotton sure do make a run through those waters worth the trip! I haven't heard 'o the Green Dragon before, but somethin' tells me I will be!
Captain Jack Sparrow

Oi Jack,
Kat Ruthser again. Thanks for the advice. I have another question. Would you like to come on the Bloody Mary for drinks? Me crew (the ones that are left) would love to meet you. Not to mention I'd love to swap some stories with you. Write me personally if you would be so kind.
Fellow Captian,
Kat Ruthser

Dear Kat,
Thanks for the invitation, and glad my advice worked out for you. Unfortunately, I'm out of the area right now, so we'll have to have drinks some other time. I'd be glad to swap stories with ye. And since I'm so far away, a personal reply is impossible.
Captain Jack Sparrow

Dear Cap'n Jack,
'Ello. I have a problem. You see, me crew formed a mutiny! They locked me in the brig of me own ship, "Mustangs Spirit", and sunk 'er, leaving me to drown! Luckily, I got out. Now, I be wantin' to get revenge, but I can't come up with a plan. Can ye help me out?
Sincerely,
Cap'n Bloody Kathleen
P.S. I'll steal the plunder from their ship, and give ye 50%, savvy?

Dear Cap'n Bloody Kathleen,
Well, that's a tricky one, see'in how you're off the boat and I'm assuming penniless. Also, I don't share me ideas with anyone, especially in public, since I may need them myself someday! Sorry I can't help ye out, mate (hey, I'm a pirate!).
Captain Jack Sparrow

Dear Jack Sparrow...oops let me rewrite that...CAPTAIN Jack Sparrow,
I was wondering, since Will Turner denied being a pirate...what do you do with those kind of people? Also, you are the best pirate that ever sailed the Caribbean. Did I tell you also that you are the best-looking pirate I have ever seen?
Signed,
Truly A Pirate At Heart

Dear Truly,
Well, Will Turner denied being a pirate, but he sprung a pirate from jail (me), commandeered a ship of the fleet, and he was completely obsessed with treasure. That sounds like a pirate at heart to me!
Captain Jack Sparrow
P.S. Thanks for the compliments, mate!

Captain Jack Sparrow,
I was just wondering...what is it with rum and pirates? Just wanting to know. I am a fellow pirate, but new to it all, so any advice would be welcomed, matey. Might I add, you are the best-looking pirate I have ever seen.
Your fellow pirate (wish it was Mrs.Sparrow)

Dear Fellow Pirate,
Rum is cheap, it keeps well in any environment, and makes the crew happy. Without it, the crew starts to mumble and grumble and start talkin' of mutiny. Remember, piratin' can be mighty borin' sometimes, so a few swigs o' rum helps lift our spirits. As to advice, be sure to join an honest crew, mate. Profits are good, but be sure they're divided fair and square. Otherwise, what's the point o' bein' a pirate?!
Captain Jack Sparrow

Dear Jack,
I 'ave a 'uge problem! I was captured by my arch-enemy, a certain Welsh capitaine, called Morgan Blackadder. 'E is such a vain cock. Anyway, 'e and moi 'ad some, well, personal problems, so I followed 'im and 'is lousy crew when they left Tortuga with 'is ship, the White Pearl (very original name, isn't it?) 'E comandeered some French merchant's ship and my ship remained unnoticed. I used this moment of surprise to attack 'im and 'e played some foul trick on me, which 'elped 'im to gain control over my ship. I was taken as a prisoner and my crew defected. Now I'm 'ere, captured in the brig. What do you think should I do?
Yours,
(Ex-)Capt. Malory Titmouse
P.S. I put this message into an empty bottle, which was standing 'ere without any use, 'oping that the waves will carry it to you.
BTW: You're one of my idols, I admire you! You've made piracy an art.

Dear Captain Titmouse,
First of all, you're a captain even without yer ship, so don't be adding "ex" to yer name. Second, yer lucky I picked up your bottle as I was leavin' the Caribbean, though I don't know as how you're going to see my reply, being that you're locked in the brig. However, here goes...faking an illness might get you out of the brig, but then again, Blackadder might just leave you in there to die. You can claim to know where a valuable treasure be hidin', and hope he'll take you out to give you the bearings, then make yer escape. If'n I were you, however, I'd be patient and wait for an opportunity to present itself. If he's vain, then that's where you need to concentrate your energy. Compliment 'em to excess and maybe he'll begin to trust you. But only if he's stupid and vain. If he's smart and vain, I'm afraid you're in for a long, miserable time. Good luck to ye!
Captain Jack Sparrow

Dear Jack,
My pirate name is Ashley, aarrrrr! My friend's pirate name is Jason Voorhees. We both are yer biggest fans. Jason and I are wondering, can we be part of yer crew?
From yer biggest fans,
Ashley and Jason

Dear Ashley and Jason,
Sorry, mates, but me crew is a small one and I'm not looking for new members now. But I'll keep ye in mind.
Captain Jack Sparrow

Captain Jack Sparrow,
How old were you when you started drinking rum? And what are your opinions on the noble Commodore Norrington?
Mysterious Girl

Dear Mysterious Girl,
I started drinkin' rum when I became a pirate. On some ships fresh water is in short supply. I'm not sure how old I was, since I don't keep track of years too well (why bother, anyway?). I think I should keep me opinions of the "noble" Commodore Norrington to meself. Or perhaps you can glean them from my replies to other letters.
Captain Jack Sparrow

Oy Sparrow,
This be a desolate lass, cap'n of The Liberator, searchin' for a good, informative site of how to curse like a pirate. I've been searchin' high 'n low and t'no luck! D'ye have any good sites ye kin refer t' a fellow pirate? I'll be 'awaitin fer yer reply. Good luck in yer future endeavors.
Cap'n Abigail F. Jenkins

Dear Cap'n Jenkins,
If you are a cap'n of a pirate ship, you should be hearin' cursin' all day long! Besides, the best curses are the ones ye make up yerself. They sound impressive, and others admire your creativity. But remember, curses are more powerful if ye use 'em less. Then, when ye do use one, it shows you really mean it!
Captain Jack Sparrow

Garrrrrrr...
I be'n having a bit o' a probleem regardin' me motley first mate on me pyrate ship. She sleeps all the tyme! We miss all the grand booty in these here waters. What shall I do with her?
Fearsome Cap'n Softhair

Dear Cap'n Softhair,
Well, unless you're really attached to her, the obvious thing to do would be to plank her. Or you could be nice and just leave her off at the next port. Carry her off when she's asleep and she'll never know till she wakes up!
Captain Jack Sparrow

Captain Jack,
Haven't written in a while and I just decided to see how you'd been. I took your advice and spread my "terror" world- wide. I'm bloody rich and currently commanding my 5th crew. I maroon my crew every so often and recruit a new one, it keeps my secrets secret, savvy? I do keep on my favourite pirates aboard, 'cause they're loyal to me. I know it makes me sound rotten, but I am and I'm not ashamed (I'm a bloody pirate!). Anyway, Jack, I do need some advice, I be over in the Indian Ocean area and my ship be weighed down with plunder. I need somewhere to stash it, but I'm a bit far away from my hideaway. Know of any convenient place to unload? So, anyway....it's been far too long and I'll be looking out for ye. I'll bring the rum, you bring the cards.
Eternally yours,
Captain Andi Scot of the Bloodruby
P.S. If ye see red sails on the horizon, and you're not aboard Jack's ship.....say yer prayers and retreat!

Dear Captain Scot,
Glad to hear my plan is working (they don't always, by the way)... I happen to be in your area meself, and can meet you in the Gulf of Cambaya (north of Bombay) in about a week. Stay on the eastern shore and I'll find ye. We'll discuss where to stash your booty then. No need for every pirate in the area to read about it here, is there? I've got plenty of rum to share, too...
Captain Jack Sparrow

Captain Jack,
Being the only lass on a ship full of grimy louts (No offense to ye, of course), it's rather hard to keep the boys in line. Since you in fact have a woman aboard your own ship, mind telling me what her tactics are?
Bloody Mary

Dear Bloody Mary,
She doesn't take any guff from any of us. And she has a quick right slap if we get out of line. So we've learned to tiptoe around her. Might work for you!
Captain Jack Sparrow

Ahoy Captain,
Who is this being who dares to use my name and then threaten' ye?! This Bloody Rose (ex) Sparrow?! Do I 'ave ye permission to throw 'er overboard if I see 'er?? Well, an update on meself: I'm now 15 and enjoying it. I had a run in with that Norrington chap. He thought he could capture me but HA! Fooled him there. I escaped single handedly, thank you very much. And all your information is still sealed within meself! So how are you? I'm enclosing this letter with a package of rum to ye! Hope ye enjoy it! It's a thank you from me crew for the "Yo Ho" song.
Your Fellow Pirate Captain,
The REAL Captain Oceana "Bloody Rose" Morgan
P.S. This was the most expensive rum they had. Hope it's to yer liking!

Dear REAL Captain Oceana "Bloody Rose" Morgan,
Don't know who she is. I only get the letters, not the faces. And you're a pirate - if you want to throw someone overboard, yer more than welcome to. Glad you escaped Norrington. He really isn't too bright, you know. Thanks for the rum. It'll come in handy when I meet up with another pirate crew. Glad you enjoyed the song. I'm having fun exploring the Indian Ocean, though I do have to keep an eye out for the East India Company ships. They have big guns, but we're faster.
Captain Jack Sparrow

Dear Jack,
I have set sail with a new ship, plus a great crew from Ch'in and they are the most unbeatable pirates and not even you can beat them. I can beat them, cos I have their master sword, so they follow me. I have more stuff to trade with and they are willing to trade anything you can offer for their rum, 'cos they say they have met you before and you're one of best traders they have ever had. They hope to see you soon.
Luv,
Captain Bleeding Hart Pearl
P.S. How did you guess that Ming T'ien was from Ch'in, 'cos no one has ever heard of The Green Dragon?

Dear Captain Pearl,
Glad to hear you're doing well. I may make a run to China soon. But that entails running up through a lot of islands where navy ships like to pounce on pirate ships. Them's dangerous waters. But the rewards can be great!
Captain Jack Sparrow
P.S. Ming T'ien is a Chinese name, so I took a guess he was from there. When you've been around enough like I have, you learn things like that, lass.

Dear my friend Jack,
I have started to set sail away from Port Royal looking for my friend Bleeding Hart (Captain Bleeding Hart Pearl). However she got the name "Bleeding Hart" beats me, she never tells anyone. If you ask her, she might say something. All I know it is something to do with her parents and they both had the intials BH. I will tell you this without her knowing this: her real name is Pearl, the Bleeding Hart thing is her last name. So over all, her name is Pearl Bleeding Black Hart. How she is related to either Norrington or a Swan I don't know, 'cos I didn't hear what she said. If you ask her for her real name and who she related to, then she will tell ya. I am only telling you this: she lies about who she is, and yes, both her parents are dead, but her half brother (or is it sister?) is still alive. I need help finding some treasure, too. It is called The Lost Treasure of Bleeding Hart and I don't know if it is to do with Bleeding Hart Pearl, but I doubt she'll know. If you have any tips on telling me where it is or you could ask Bleeding Pearl if she has any ideas, I'd appreciate it.
Signed,
Ming T'ien
P.S. The Lost Treasure is Greek and so is Bleeding Hart

Dear Ming T'ien,
I'm confucious...er, confused. I don't care how she got her name, as long as she's a "good" pirate. As to the Lost Treasure, I've never heard of it, but will ask around. I stay away from the Mediterranean, usually. Those Barbary pirates are vicious!
Captain Jack Sparrow

(Your letter goes here! So send it in, you scabrous dog!)
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