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Hey Bermy Barbossa!
Seein' you's after Jack, you better rethink what you want to do, because if you want Jack, you've got to come through ME, says I, and if you think you can duel with meh, you are horribly WRONG . I shall show no quarter, and you will know what's happenin' to you as I do it. My vengance to you will be NOTHING compared to your worst nightterror, says I. Bein' really really ticked off with you, and your smug arrogance, I shall make an extreme example with cutlasses and daggers, because you've crossed into a realm of which you have NO experiance and my friend Jack will have nothing to say about what I will do, and if you proceed to take this, it's final stupidity, brings some friends, because they'll have to carry you away, either in whole, or in part. We shall see what kind of yellow, spineless, backless, brainless, idiot you are. My cutlasses are honed sharp, and are waiting impatiently to taste yer blood. I have red in my eyes, as my hatred boils within me, and I shall release my vengence upon your skinny little body and person, in the most horrifying way. You don't know what it's like to die, but during our encounter, I shall instill the feeling of what it's like to die. I'm waiting to hear where you wish to meet. Bring your grave stone, I'm sure I'll remember to scratch your name on it. Jack is my friend, my very, very, very, close friend, so he's off limits to anybody to try and injure, or hunt him, so it's to the death we'll battle! But I probably won't work up a light sweat, disposing of you. So, are you still as brave, or fool-hearty, what say you? Bring it on, I'm waiting, and savouring every minute that will end up with you joining your dispicable, useless, scoundral of a yellow backboned, worthless piece of human trash. Like daughter. like father..... What say you !?
Captain Ethel Marie Kidd

Dear Captain Ethel Kidd,
I don't know whether to be touched or frightened by that letter! But since yer standin' by my side (figuratively speaking), I think I'll be touched. But don't think I don't know yer one tough pirate! I'm just glad that in this fight, yer on my side!
Captain Jack Sparrow

Captain Sparrow,
I find piracy has lost its edge. To quote Jimmy Buffet, The cannons don't thunder and there's nothin' to plunder." With radar and sonar and bombs and gps systems and radio communication, I fear that piracy is not what it used to be. I still, however, consider myself a pirate. What should I do about all of this modern nonsense?
Yours,
Captain Andi Scot

Dear Captain Scot,
I don't know who this Jimmy Buffet character is, but obviously he hasn't been in the Caribbean lately! I'm sorry you feel piracy has lost its lure, but I find it still quite gratifying for the soul. I don't know what gps or radio is, but anything that gets in the way of letting you be a pirate should be avoided. You need a visit to Tortuga t' lift yer spirits, lass!
Captain Jack Sparrow

Dear Jack,
I have a problem. My friend Kenz and I found a time machine. The time machine takes us only back to your time, and Kenz wants to go back in time to you and meet you. What should I do?
Love Chloe

Dear Chloe,
I have no idea what you're talking about. I don't know how anyone could travel through time, or why someone from the future would want to come to meet me in this time, but I guess if it's safe and your friend wants some adventure, you should support him/her. I'm not sure how we would meet, since I'm laying low right now, but feel free to try and find me. You'll have lots of company!
Captain Jack Sparrow

Dear Jack,
Thanks for the advice! But I have another problem. I have this friend and he is well, um, getting on my nerves. What should I do, make him walk the plank or what? He just won't shut-up!
Love Chloe

Dear Chloe,
Walking the plank is reserved only for those pirate who don't follow captain's orders. My suggestion is to drop him off at the nearest port and let him find another ship to sail on. Let another crew deal with him!
Captain Jack Sparrow

Dear Jack,
'Tis Bermuda again. I didn’t know what you did, or rather what he did either, so I’m sorry I over-reacted. Though your friends don’t scare me, let’s call a truce, though me trucing with you will not mean I truce with your friend Will Turner. I’ve heard young Mr. Turner will be wed to young Elizabeth soon. I’ll make sure that their wedding will be one to remember! Mr. Jack Sparrow, I would like to meet you. Meet me at the Old Mill Bar in Tortuga at seven on Monday. I shall need a talk with you. That young Commodore Norrington won’t know where to find you, I’ve sent a message to him to look in the South Pacific. You will meet me there or young ‘uns you love will just disappear - Mitsy, your daughter, or Miss Elizabeth Swan, or maybe one of your pirate friends? Meet me there!
Yours scarely,
Miss Bermuda Barbossa
(P.S. I think I might change my second name, what do you think?)

Dear Miss Barbossa,
Well, if I'm there, then we'll meet. If not, then we'll meet on Will and Elizabeth's wedding day! I don't trust you (I don't trust many people), and I'm sure Commodore Norrington won't fall for your ruse. We're watchin' out for you, so I suggest you move on and leave your grudges behind. Obviously this ocean's not big enough for the two of us, and I have no plans to leave!
Captain Jack Sparrow

Dear Jack,
Its Bermuda again. I must tell you, your threats don’t haunt me and they never will as long as you’re throwing them at me. Your ship is no match for Black Pearl II and it never will be. I will hunt you and your friends down, mark my words. I’d say your farewells now and greet your friends goodbye because you won’t be able to say goodbye when I slit your purging, filthy scandal's neck. You’ll wish your crack-pot of a mother had never given birth to you. Whoever raised such a mean child must have been hard-core mean in the first place. Whether you intend to or not, Jack Sparrow, you will be leaving the Caribbean, preferably dead. I leave you with this riddle to uncover your peril:

Those ones you love
And have seen the least
Will be the ones you join
And deceased
So get your friend to follow you so,
But greater peril will be resumed by your foe
I tell you once, I tell you again
Eat, Drink, be married because
This will be your final year...

Though your small brain won’t be able to make sense of it, I leave this as a warning. Beware, Jack Sparrow, I’m in the air.
Yours Deadly,
Bermuda Barbossa
P.S: I think I’ll change the name in a century or two

Dear Bermuda Barbossa,
May the deep blue sea swallow you and your ship whole.
Captain Jack Sparrow

Dear Jack,
It’s Elizabeth. (I didn't know you were any good at writing to other pirates!) Will and I are to be wed, but it’s going to be some time late next year or early the following year. It’s been awhile since we saw you, and we’d like you to come and see us soon. (Commodore Norrington does not know, but keep a sharp eye out.) Will is really desperate to see you. He says he needs to talk to you urgently. No idea why, though. He says it’s between you and him. He’s still a blacksmith, but he is a pirate in my eyes and he needs help. Try to remember to visit. My fiancé sends his best wishes. Don’t forget. If you have any trouble getting here, which I’m sure you won’t, just say in your reply. We can’t wait to see you! By the way, say hello to Anamarie and Mr. Gibbs. Can’t wait to see you!
Love,
Elizabeth
P.S. A little young one is on the way!
P.P.S. I was thinking of "Drink up me ‘eartys, yo ho!" as our wedding song, what do you think?

Dear Elizabeth,
I will try to come visit, but it will be unannounced and I will probably come in disguise, since Norrington still wants me as a trophy. You'd think that since he's caught most of the pirates in these waters, he'd let me go. But if he wants to waste his time looking for me... ! Don't know what Will's all worried about, but I can't let a mate down, so look for me in the near future. Congratulations on the little one (does your father know? I can't imagine he would let you become a mother without being married!). That song would be fun, but again, your father may not approve. (He's a little stiff, isn't he? Typical of the gentry - no offense.) Tell Will I'll see him soon!
Captain Jack Sparrow

Dear Captain Sparrow,
Aaarrrrr... I have this pirate friend who has a commoner friend and aaarrr... she acts like she just swabbed the poop deck. Aaarrr... she's getting on my nerves, savvy? What should I do ???
Mel the Meanie

Dear Mel,
You could challenge 'er to a swordfight, if yer good with a blade. Or yer could toss her in an empty rum barrel. Or my personal favorite, you could tie her to yer mast and throw crabs at her and take bets on how many take hold! (Just kidding - but I have seen it done!) I suggest yer just avoid her. Since she's not a pirate, headin' out to sea on a long voyage without her should solve the problem.
Captain Jack Sparrow

G'day,
No one is taking me seriously as a pirate, because I constantly seem to be drunk and stoned...in otherwords, I can't walk in a straight line due to the fact that the stress of plundering unknown fortresses was driving me insane...and the captain is constantly talking to me like I'm stupid.....Okay, so he is my brother, but it is annoying. Should I jump overboard and gather my own crew and then throw him out of his own ship and take over command, or do I let him dance around with his naturally limp wrist *hehem* if u catch my drift?
Kalikala
xxx

Dear Kalikala,
Relatives can be such a bother. It sounds like you need to find another crew to join. But mine's full up.
Captain Jack Sparrow

SCURVY!?!?! HOW DARE YOU DARE TALK OR EVEN WRITE TO ME LIKE THAT!!! For your information, me crew is cursed due to a little stealing incident that happened to a lord's jewel. Deserved it, too, the buffoon always making us feel like we're scum. But still, we got cursed. Then there was BLACK JACK, but that was and is and always will be another story, and I don't think that you'd like to take time out of drinking rum to hear it. But as much as I hate the comment, thanks. Thank you for warning me 'bout the Silver Siren. If I hadn't recieved it when I had, I'd be meeting some very happy folks down in hell waiting to kill me. But me crew's sobered and we're heading back from a few raids of the Argentinean coast, love to tease the Spanish. Me and me men just stopped by in Tortuga and found that we'd missed you. Oh well, tarvern owners were lucky this time. Oops, better stop writing. Crew must think I have a lover somewhere. Though that'll be their deaths, if it gets out. Chao.
CAPTAIN DIAMOND and darn proud of it, too.

Dear Captain Diamon,
Scurvy is common among pirates, so it wasn't unlikely. But sorry about the curse. Usually it's wise to return cursed items to their owners. There's plenty of other treasure out there to plunder. Glad to hear things are looking up for you and your crew. We may still run into each other on Tortuga. Keep a sharp eye out.
Captain Jack Sparrow

Jack -
It's Will Turner again. I just wanted to let you know that I heard Norrington is staking out in Tortuga for a while, so it might be a good idea to stay low and keep far from there for a while. Sorry to hear no romance has bloomed for you yet. The kids are doing great. Pearl spoke for the first time today, and you wouldn't believe what her first word was: sparrow! Would you be the children's Godfather? Elizabeth and I talked it over and thought you would be the perfect and rightful one. I'll keep in touch. Elizabeth and I wish you the best of luck.
Will Turner

Dear Will,
I think I had too much rum the other night, but I received a letter from "Elizabeth" and I realize now it was probably a trick by a pirate who's out for my blood to trick me into visiting you so she could trap me! This Elizabeth said you weren't married yet and didn't mention your kids. I think all this laying around is making me soft. And I need to lay off the rum. I would be honored to be your children's Godfather, though I'm not sure what that entails. If it means I'll always be their friend and protect them the best I can, then I am up to the task. Thanks for asking, and warning me about Norrington. But I have friends all over who keep me informed of his whereabouts. He's easy to spot with that red uniform and white wig. (I've never seen anyone in Tortuga wearing a powdered wig!)
Your friend,
Captain Jack Sparrow

Dearest Jack Sparrow,
I be yer other daughter and be but only 12 years old, an’ I have but one question: WHERE YE BEEN ALL THIS TIME!?!?!? I’ve been lookin’ all o’er for ye an’ haven’t found but one trace of ye and want to meet me an’ Mitzy’s father. Oh an’ by the way, I’m Christy Sparrow, savvy? I was hoping we could meet in Tortuga sometime, eh? Oh, an’ by the way, I happen to be seein’ Commodore Norrington a lot around Tortuga lately. He asked me questions about yer bearings, but I held me tongue. Anyway, Will and Elizabeth happen to be missin’ ye an’ wish ye th’ bes’ o’ luck to ye.
Wishin’ to meet ye,
Love,
Your daughter, Christy Sparrow
P.S. Mitzy is sayin’ hi to ye.
P.P.S. Where be yer bearings??

Dear Christy,
A little noteriety and the relatives start poppin' up all over the place! It might be nice to meet ye, lass, but I can't give up me bearings, since Norrington is lookin' for me. I'll try to locate you. Tortuga's not the place for a young lass, ye'd best be findin' a place in a town like Port Royal. Ask Elizabeth for a reference.
Captain Jack Sparrow

Dear Jack Sparrow,
It is Elizabeth. I was wondering if you had any secrets to getting out of corsets - er...sorry Will, I will write what I said I would! Anyways, Can you come to our wedding? If you can, that would be great. We would really appreciate it. You will have to disquise yourself as the first man, but don't worry-we have a rum table for you. Just don't drink too much.
Your acquaintance,
Miss (almost Mrs.) Elizabeth Swann (almost Turner)

Dear "Miss Swann",
I'm getting very confused by all these "Elizabeth" letters. Last I heard, Will and Elizabeth had two children and had been married for a few years. Either I'm drinkin' too much rum, or I misunderstood. Maybe both. But whoever ye are, I don't have any experience getting myself out of a corset. Sorry.
Captain Jack Sparrow

Dear Captain Jack Sparrow,
Hello my name is Pearly Parle. I have recently joined a crew on the Intercepeter. I got nicknamed Pearly Parle, because they said I was pretty and pearly (whatever that means?). They also said I reminded them of a ship and its code, so that's what they named me. Though I'm not quite sure there is such a ship. Could you please give me more information about it? The crew is always threatening to throw me overboard because I am bad luck!? The captain won't allow it, because it is now a new law that at least one woman must be onboard every ship. It has become a new law, because this woman called Elizabeth saved a pirate off a desert island. Please tell me more.
Love, Pearly

Dear Pearly,
At first I thought you said you were on the "Interceptor", which couldn't be, since that ship blew up, but I see your ship's name is spelled slightly different. I suppose you were named after the Black Pearl, my ship. It's a fine ship, so you should feel proud. I don't know anything about a pirate being saved by a woman. Must be a nasty rumor. I have a woman on my ship, too, though, and she's a fine pirate. So I guess it might not be a bad idea.
Captain Jack Sparrow

Dear Captain Jack Sparrow,
I simply adore you!!! You are the BEST pirate EVER!!!!! Any tips for a 14 year old pirate lass just starting out? I heard Norrington is in Tortuga. PLEASE watch out!!!! I'll keep an eye on him for you, if you'd like! I'm captain of the "Ocean's Rose", so if yer see me out on the high seas come on over!
Yours truly,
Oceana " Bloody Rose" Morgan
P.S. I love you!!!

Dear Oceana,
Thanks for the flattery. I'm glad you've heard of me! My advice is to be careful, watch out for storms and the British Navy, and eat plenty of limes. Also, learn to swordfight, drink rum, and sing bawdy songs. It doesn't take much brains to be a pirate, but it takes lots of brains to be a pirate for a long time, if ye get my meaning.
Captain Jack Sparrow

Dear Captain Sparrow,
Lots 'o limes? Aye! My crew do not like limes 'cause they're sour. But I like 'em. A new way of torture. Maybe now I can get a REALLY good reputation. By the way, can you help me with mine? Thank you!
Yours Truly,
Oceana "Bloody Rose" Morgan
P.S. I only know one pirate song, "A Pirate's Life For Me".
P.S. May the best winds carry your ship to the best plunder.

Dear "Bloody Rose",
Thanks, but my ship has already carried me to the best plunder on Isla de Muerta. But sorry, I can't give up the bearings. Reputation is built on inuendos and suppositions, as well as lots of really juicy rumors. Start spreading some around and before long, you'll be a fearsome pirate. You might start by how you got the name "Bloody Rose".
Captain Jack Sparrow
P.S. I know that song, too. It's a good one.

Dear Captain,
Capt'n Scot again. I be a lass of 15 and I recently...let's call it "inherited"... a pirate ship called the Blood Ruby. We set sail from Tortuga not too long ago and I've recently acquired the nick-name "Maligno", which, working in a partly Spanish area, you probably know to mean "evil" or "malignant". Not a bad start, eh? We've pillaged near e'ry ship that dares to cross our path and our trademark be dark red sails. They go along with the ship's name and rumor has it we stained 'em that color with the blood of the crew of the ships we've robbed. In your honorable professional opinion, what shall be the next step in earning a fearful reputation (important in a career of piracy)?
Truly yours,
Captain *Evil* Andi Scot

Dear Captain Scot,
Sounds like yer on yer way to havin' a fierce reputation. The next step is to head to farther seas to spread yer reign of evil. The most notorious pirates are known the world over. Of course, ye must pillage the Indian Ocean. The merchant vessels that sail those waters are loaded with spices, bales of silk, and exotic items from India and China. If ye stop in Singapore, mention my name and you'll get first-class service, I guarantee it! Good luck and smooth sailin'!
Captain Jack Sparrow

Dear Captain Jack,
I'm a pirate girl around 12, and I know you're going to say, "It's bad luck to have a woman on board a ship." But I know you'll make an exception for yer mates. I' m having a problem balancing my time, ye know, cleaning my ship, making sure me crew is doing their job,and picking out the right sword just in case some surprise attack comes to haunt me. So please, give me yer opinion on what to do.
Captain Dread

Dear Captain Dread,
Aye, there's never enough time to just sit back and relax when yer a pirate. Well, actually, now that I'm retired, I have lots of time, but it didn't used to be so. A good pirate has to plan ahead, keep up with events, and be prepared for all possibilities. Actually, a pirate that is lazing about tends to get restless and mutinous, so it's best to keep busy. Make a list of priorities and follow it. That'll keep you on track.
Captain Jack Sparrow

Dear Jack,
It's Elizabeth. Our little Jack has been taking after his namesake! Whenever we tell him to clean his room, he goes, "Arrr, I'll blast you with me cannons!" Pearl has adopted Anamaria's style. Just last week she saw Norrington's nephew, who of course young Pearl hates, walked right up to him and slapped him to the ground! I got her away before Norrington saw me. Will wants me to ask you to come to Port Royale to see our kids. I hope you can come.
Your Aqquaintence,
Elizabeth

Dear Elizabeth,
I laughed out loud when I read your letter! It's fitting that you should be raising little pirates. Serves you right for getting involved with pirates! But you need to teach Pearl better. Slapping men (however young) is not good manners. Though he probably deserved it! I'll visit as soon as I can. Give the tykes my love.
Captain Jack Sparrow

Dear Jack,
It's Mitzy again. I know this might come as a bit of a shock to you, but I'm havin' a baby! Now I expect you to go all father-y since I'm only 15, but I thought since you're a pirate and you haven't known I exist for 15 years that you'd make an exception. I hope I'm right, otherwise I'm in a bit of a pickle.
By the way, Christy says hi! She's not coping very well. She's got 'er 'eart set on this young lad who collects the money off local people for shipping into the dock. She's got a lot to learn. She's even made 'em a little valentine card, even though Valentine's Day is in February. Bless 'er little 'eart... Hope to see you soon.
Love, Mitzy and Christy Sparrow
P.S. When are you going to find your own girl?

Dear Mitzy,
I'm to be a grandfather? First, I'm a godfather for my friends, and now a grandfather! I think I'll have to have a barrel of rum to get over the shock! You're young, but if you need any help financially, I'll be there for you. Tell Christy to take her time. Romance is easy to come by, but she should look for a lad with a steady job, sound judgement, and good family. In other words, the opposite of me! I wish you both luck. Let me know what I can do for you.
Captain Jack Sparrow

Dear Jack,
Since I left your boat, I've settled down. I have a child now. She always runs around the house with a pirate hat and a wooden sword, imitating you. The last thing I want to hear from her is, "Shiver me timbers!" or "Yo, ho, ho and a bottle of run!". I'm still sorry for slapping you. Enjoy the summer!
Your friend,
Anamaria

Dear Anamaria,
Hey, I didn't teach her to be a pirate! Have you been telling her stories about your past? Shame on you! You'll give her nightmares!
Captain Jack Sparrow
P.S. I never had a wooden sword!

Dear Jack,
I am sorry for slapping you. I really have a passion for you. You are pretty cool. I see Elizabeth has written to you. You're not together, are you? Anyways, can we get together sometime?
Love,
Scarlett
P.S. I LOVE YOU!!!!!!

Dear Scarlett,
Two women in a row apologizing? This is a banner day! You always were passionate, and I may stop by again soon. Elizabeth is married now to my friend, Will, and they have two kids. I'm staying far away from her (for many reasons).
Captain Jack Sparrow

Dear Cap'n Jack,
I be a 15-year-old Lycan girl (AKA werewolf). I always transform into a werewolf at night 'bout 9:00. I became a werewold 2,000 years ago in Morrowind, but now I wanna get cured. How can I do this???? The bloody wolf wot bit me is in a cell in me brig.
Love,
Captain Jamie Wulf

Dear Captain Wulf,
This is a problem I'm positive I cannot address. I have no bloomin' idea how to help you. Sorry, mate.
Captain Jack Sparrow

Dear Jack,
It's Elizabeth again. I wanted to let you know that little Jack has his own little ship that he named "The Black Pearl". Also, I need some information from you on how to get Pearl to stop slapping Norrington's nephew. Also, we have another child. Her name is Elizabeth. Yesterday Barbossa's daughter came to town with her crew and started rampaging our town! Our new baby, Elizabeth, got taken. Will was, too. Can you try and find those pirates? I hear they were on their way to Tortuga. I must leave, goodbye.
Sincerely,
Elizabeth

Dear Elizabeth,
I think you're a little over the edge. I can understand, since you're baby and husband were kidnapped by pirates. But calm down. I will try to find them. Barbossa's daughter and I need to face each other, anyway. I'll send word when I have them.
Captain Jack Sparrow
P.S. Tell Pearl to keep up the good work.

Captain Sparrow,
I desperately need yer advice. Me name be Gregory, but folks jes call me "Gray" mostly. me and my crew aboard the "Dark Horizon" are pirates ourselves and not bad at what we do, neither, but our ship now lay on the floor o' the sea. None of me crew but meself, Johnny Brack, and Bluewater Bill be left. Our cap'n and comrads sank with our ship. We be attacked by another group of scalywags on a ship with red sails...uh...the Blood Ruby, I think it be called. Ne'er the less, they be a fearsome group, led by a woman - a woman of all things! She introduced herself as Captain "Andy Skot" (she's bin pilagin'around France and her nickname got changed to "Malfaysont"). Anyways, I got nothin' left, but the dirty shirt on me back and Bill and Johnny and we don't know where to go from here.
Thanks a lot,
Gray
P.S. I never really learned all that readin' and writin' nonsence, so sorry 'bout my mistakes.

Dear Gray,
Don't worry 'bout the mistakes, I fix 'em as best I can. You've just proved why bein' a pirate is a hard life for any man (or woman!). Ye didn't say where ye were, but I suggest headin' to the nearest port and signin' on with another crew as fast as ye can. They'll at least give ye some rum, some food, and a place to sleep. Ye might get lucky this time and plunder some goods to make ye rich. Good luck, mate!
Captain Jack Sparrow

Dear Jack,
I have taken your advice to cruise to east Africa and I have raided a ship with lots of plunder on it and I 'ave found meself a new crew, but my crew said something like this: that they would like to go to Tortuga and meet ya, but the problem is that while on the trip back to Tortuga, Norrington found me and I am going to be hanged at the end of this month in Port Royal and I am in the same cell that you were in but I can't escape. Do you have any tips for escaping, or shall I just give up?
Love,
Captain Bleeding Pearl
P.S. The same Captain Pearl that sent ya the help with my crew and Norrington

Dear Captain Pearl,
I can tell you're upset, because there weren't but one period in that whole paragraph. I can't divulge me trade secrets for escaping, sorry. They're part of my myth, and I must preserve that. All of us who take up piratin' know that sooner or later we're either goin' to end up at the bottom of the sea (see the last letter), or hangin' from a rope. I hope to avoid those fates, but it's rather inevitable. I would just set yer mind to goin' out with dignity. Maybe a mate will come and rescue you at an opportune moment. Good luck.
Captain Jack Sparrow

(Your letter goes here! So send it in, you scabrous dog!)

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