Page 10

Whats up, Captain Jack,
I'm Captain Elizabeth Turner, and no I'm not related to Will Turner, if that's what you're thinkin', mate. People always think I'm his sister or his wife. But anyway, I was just wondering, my twin is too afraid to ask you (she's afraid of the truth), the other day she asked me what she looked like in her big green dress and she asked for the truth. I told the truth (for once), so I said she looked like a big green bush and she took my gun and tried to shoot me! She doesn't even know how to use a pistol! But anyway, she bet me that she could get a date with you and I couldn't, so that's all. I want to shoot her sometimes, but if I did, hey, I wouldn't have any family left, so I stopped myself. She's kinda mental if you know what I mean, mate. But hey, thanks for your time mate.
Captain Elizabeth Turner

Dear Captain Turner,
Well, I'm not exactly looking for a date at the moment, except maybe a date to settle things with the real Elizabeth. Until then, I'm a little indisposed.
Captain Jack Sparrow

Dear Captain Jack,
Well, I saw yer letter, but I'm sorry to say that on me way back to Port Royal in search of a land-lubber's job, I had a bit of a run-in with the said terrible beastie. The legends where right, it did have foul breath, but it wasn't the worst thing I've smelt. A few minutes ago I sat in the dark alone, with no rum, but then it occured to me, you should be in the same situation right about now. If so, let me know what part of the beastie's stomach yer in! You shouldn't be too hard to find. As for yer ship, I know what it feels like to lose somthing dear. Got to go, I think the stomach acids are burning the soles of me boots!
Signed,
Captain Cut-lass
P.S. Did you bring Rum?

Dear Captain Cut-lass,
The beastie brought me to a strange place, mate, where everyone looks like me. I don't really know how long I've been here. But I suspect you won't be arriving at the same place. I hope you make it. And there's no rum here, either. If that isn't hell, I do't know what is. Did I really deserve this???
Captain Jack Sparrow

Dear captain Jack Sparrow,
I’m a girl who has sailed the seven seas and I have a problem with three pirate guys, and since I have found out you give advice perhaps you can help with my guy problem. I like three different pirates and I cannot choose who I like better. The first pirate is a very attractive guy who is pretty well known in the pirate world I think. You know him better than the other two, if you look in a mirror you should see him. Another pirate is a blacksmith gone pirate, but alas he is taken by another girl. And I can respect that but I still can’t help being in heaven when I see him. Last, but not least, is a pirate who keeps losing his eye but is probably gay. Who do I chose over the others?
Your good mate,
The Seven Seas Lass

Dear Seven Seas,
Well, the choice is obvious to me, lass. First, I am unavailable at the moment, seeing as I'm in the darkest corner of hell at the moment. The blacksmith-turned-pirate is already taken, and I don't see that changing in the near future, so he's out. I know the other one, he's a pleasant enough chap, but he has a most unpleasant odor in the morning, so I'd pass on him, as well. As I see it, you need to cast yer net a little wider, lass. There's plenty of fish in this ocean. Believe me, I've seen most of them on my way here.
Captain Jack Sparrow

Ahoy, Captain!
It's me again, viola! Well, I finally got away from my God-forsaken island! Not only that, but Karma had its hand in my life... My good-for-nothing crew was caught and hung by Commadore Norrington! You'd think he'd have caught me by now, but alas, I'm too slick. Most women are! Actually, I just dressed in some old milkmaid's clothing and blended into the crowd. I shudder remembering that... I felt so... normal. Blech! Well, anyway, just thought I'd send you a little word, not that I think you missed my bloodstone self! Adios, Captain Sparrow!
Captain Daoutai Bloodstone
P.S. Are you related to a man named Ezekiel Sparrow? He's my new first mate, and I was curious...

Dear Captain Bloodstone,
Ah, the old "blend into the crowd" trick! I've did that a few times when I was younger, but I'm too well-known now for that to work well. Don't know an Ezekiel Sparrow, though that doesn't always mean anything. Me mum was not the most loyal of wives, so you never know... As a matter of fact, me dad wasn't overly loyal, either. Scallywags, both of them. And people wonder why I'm the way I am... Captain Jack Sparrow

Jack Sparrow,
It is I Davy Jones and I have to remind you about yer Debt and it is getting over due now. PAY UP NOW!!! By the way if yer ever up river, say hi to Tia Dalma. See you in the after-life.
Sincerely,
Davey Jones

Dear Tentacle Face,
Seems like I've already paid dearly. No rum where yer beastie took me. Now that's downright criminal. You should be ashamed of yerself. Well, that's assuming you have scruples, which we both know you don't. If I ever see you again, be very afraid. And what's Tia to you?
Captian Jack Sparrow

Dear Jack,
I'm sorry for the delay of de letter, that cursed Norrington nearly found me the idiot. Well, I think that ye deserve some of the treasure, afta all the trouble he's bein' puttin' ya through. Hmmm...well, I said I found half of the treasure, but it looks like there is more ta find. The bit I got of Norrington showed me ta part of it and now I have ta go ta some random island, which I would name, but with so many pirates 'n' Norrington 'round I keep it mum till I see ya and we go after it together. Whattya say? I agree that you can't deny you have pirate blood, I heard Will Turner did, but that all changed and I tried to deny it, but it didnt work, I gave into it and look at me now, rich and 'aving fun never wanting it ta stop. Norrington finds it hard ta believe that he's from a long line of pirates, he even tried to bribe me inta killing you just cause I knew about his history, could you believe that? Luckly I didn't and rather let you have half of the treasure.
Luv,
Captain Bleeding Hart Pearl
P.S Sorry for the long letter, I haven't had the chance ta write, plus readin' back you told Ming Tien that ye changed ya name, i'm guessing you won't tell me what ye name was before, but could ya tell me why ye changed it in the first place?

Dear Captain Pearl,
Glad you got the treasure, mate. I'll be more than happy to share it with you! I just hope I can find you before you spend it all! (Hey, you're a pirate, aren't you?) Some secrets I just don't tell, mate, and me previous names are one. Who knows but that I may need to use it again in the future? Of course, only if I needed some anonymity, which I'm not ready to explore at the moment. Too many other things to explore first.
Captain Jack Sparrow

Dear Jack,
I’m having trouble getting a pirate stud to notice me. How do I get this one-eyed dirty blonde hottie- of-a-pirate to notice me? If you want to know who this very handsome dude is, it’s Ragetti. Can you help me please?
The Silvery Serenity Sailor
P.S. Tell Rags I said Hi.

Dear Silvery,
Well, there's no accounting for taste. You need to read four letters back. But if you want him, you really don't need to do much to woo him...he's an easy catch. Just make sure both eyeballs are in. And say hi to him yerself, I'm a little occupied at the moment.
Captain Jack Sparrow

Dear Dad,
Aye, ye've got yet another "little relation" that's "popped up" again. I've heard all about you from mum, how you and she met in Tortuga one night (I won't go into details) and now, you've got yet another daughter. Was wonderin' how to gain the respect of my crew. I'm now sixteen and am the Captain of the ship Grappler. Seeing as I'm a lassie, those blighters don't seem t'think I'm capable of managin' a ship. Seein' as yer a Captain, too, I thought I'd best go to ye for advice.
Your Daughter,
Captain Bethel Helena Sparrow
P.S. I had, strangely, started wearing a blue bandanna 'round me head and beads in me 'air before even learnin' you were my father! Guess it's all in the family, eh?
P.P.S. Another one's on the way! If it's a boy, it'll be Jack. If it's a girl, it'll be Azteca.
P.P.P.S. Reply soon! If Norrington's still not on yer trail, I'd love ta see ya sometime!

Dear Captain Bethel,
I don't even know how to counter these attacks on my "supposed" parentage, so I'll just ignore them for now. Can't do anythin' about them, anyway. What's done is done, if it was done in the first place. Not that I'm above doin' what probably was done, it's just that there's no way for me to acknowledge what might've been done, since after it's done, I'm usually out the door and out to sea. Savvy? But as to yer question on the crew's respect, I suggest you apply discipline ruthlessly and without redress. Otherwise you'll end up like me, with a ship that won't sail, in a place with no ocean. If they won't listen, make 'em walk the plank! (Preferably with an island nearby, you don't want to be too ruthless.)
Captain Jack Sparrow

Dear Captain Jack Sparrow,
I'm an almost 13-year-old girl from Finland, North Europe. When I grow up, I want to be a pirate like you, Jack. I love you and I think you are the best pirate ever! And if I'm right, the Black Pearl is the fastest ship? Before piracy, I'll learn to speak very good English... Can I ever be a pirate? There's my question, and I wish you to answer to me. Someday, I want to see you. Is it ok? And please, say "savvy", it's sounds funny!
Love, Melody
P.S. I'm so sorry about my bad English. I hope you understanded what I tried to said...See you somewhere, someday!

Dear Melody,
What a nice name, lass. You must have a nice singin' voice with a name like that. As to your question, you can be a pirate if yer heart is there. And you don't even have to speak good English. (I don't speak it good, and I'm a famous pirate!) Just get a crew from Finland, and you'll be fine. Your jolly roger flag and the point of yer sword will say all you need to say! Savvy?
Captain Jack Sparrow

Dear Jack,
I am a MAJOR fan of you! I need some advice on how to act like you! Like Pirate Slang, things you would do. Can you help me out?
McKenzie a.k.a Sealegs Erin

Dear Sealegs,
How to act like me? Are you kidding? There's no one like me, mate, you'll just have to get over it. As to talkin' like a pirate, you'll have to just hang out in Tortuga awhile. It'll become natural to ya in no time.
Captain Jack Sparrow

Jack,
I am your biggest supporter. I think you are the best pirate ever. My name is Jack, too, isn’t that awesome? I love your ship a lot. Sincerely,
Captain Jack Sparrow

Dear...Whoever,
Okay, this is just too far. No one else can have my name, you'll mess up my reputation! Or are you one of my hallucinations? If so, you can just walk the plank!
Captain Jack Sparrow

Hey Captain Jack,
How you doing mate? This is Amy Renee Cook speaking. Sincerely,
Amy

Dear Amy,
Well, I could be better.
Captain Jack Sparrow

Dear Captain Sparrow,
This is still Amy Renee Cook speaking. I really think you're really cute and strong and really brave. There are a lot of really nice things I could say about you. I really wish I could be like you and sail away with you. Let me tell you everything you need to know, here it is. I'm 14 years old. My favorite color is red, my eyes are blue, my hair is dirty blonde. I love animals and I love you. Love,
Amy Renee Cook

Dear Amy (again),
Oh, good, I was afraid I wouldn't get a longer letter from you...However, this letter had too many "really"s in it. Really. It's appropriate you said you love animals and me in the same sentence. I've been called a lot of animal names in my past. Other than the totally flattering comments about me, I don't see a question in there, so I'll move on.
Captain Jack Sparrow

Captain Jack,
My beloved ship, The Devils Adversary, was commandeered while I was out refreshing' my thirst. And the worst part is that I know who stole it! Should I hunt down the scallywag and send im' to the locker or should I give up and find another ship?
Jack Pelear

Dear Jack,
You need to get it back, mate, of course! If you find the scallywag, you need to flog him to an inch of his life, then throw him overboard for the sharks to eat. That's all he's worth to ya. Of course, you need to watch out for the crew, because if they were also behind the mutiny, you'll need to replace 'em. Watch yer back, mate. It's a cruel world out/up/down there.
Captain Jack Sparrow

Dear Mr. Sparrow,
I’m a maid in Tortuga working at the Bloody Barron Pub (maybe you might have heard of it?). I’m fed up with my life. My father just died of a terrible disease and my mother is long gone. I was thinking of going for this interview, they're looking for some new crew members. Can you suggest anything to say that might get me a good spot?
Hope to talk to you again,
Bella Rosemond

Dear Bella,
Ah, lass, if you've been a maid in the Bloody Barron, you don't need advice from me. Just use those womanly ways of yours and ye'll have a job in no time. We pirates are suckers when it comes to comely maids!
Captain Jack Sparrow

Dear Captain Jack Sparrow,
I have tried to become a pirate, but no pirate will accept me onto their ship! I'm a bit on the kind side, and I am very generous. I have a hard time being devious and cunning, I guess I'm just kindhearted. I desperately want to become as good a pirate as you, but I'm not sure how to do it.
Your's Truly,
Christine La Follette

Dear Christine,
Aye, I've learned the hard way that kindness is a handicap for a pirate. You give 'em the bearings and they mutiny. You try to give them the name of a certain lad they need to lift a curse, and they betray you. You offer to negotiate to attain a medallion they want, and they lock you in the brig. They even name a stupid monkey after you just to spite you. So you see, it isn't worth it, lass. Give up being a pirate. I hear there's an opening in the Bloody Barron on Tortuga...
Captain Jack Sparrow

NOTE FROM WEB SITE MANAGEMENT: CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW HAS HAD A CHANGE OF FORTUNE! HE HAS RETURNED TO THE LAND OF THE LIVING AND IS EASILY ACCESSIBLE TO RECEIVE AND ANSWER YOUR LETTERS. OF COURSE, HE WILL STILL BE DOING "PIRATEY THINGS", SO THE RESPONSES MAY STILL BE SPORADIC, BUT AT LEAST HE'S BACK ON THE BONNY SEAS!
Greetings Captain Sparrow,
I've heard o' ye quest for eternal life, and I don't know if ye found that blessed Fountain o' Youth (By all means, let me know if yer managed it, and I'd also appreciate co-ordinates to match). However, if yer adventure should be unsuccessful, I've a proposition for ye. See, I'm a Captain but I'm "in the market" as you would put it. Turns out my last crew aboard the Neptune's Cry weren't as loyal as I'd planned, and I be needing another ship and crew to aid me on my quest. I'm searching for a book, and 'tis a very special book indeed, as it holds the key to eternal life. Until I get a reply from you, that'll be all I'll say upon the matter. Unfortunately however I seem to be having some trouble aquiring a ship, as the Royal Navy are making it ever more difficult for me to do anything in these troubled times. I was hoping that's where ye might come in. I hope to hear from ye soon, and perhaps we could go drinking sometime. Bring Gibbs, he would most likely appreciate the offer.
Best Regards,
Captain J Frost

Dear Captain Frost,
I've found that eternal life is an etherial thing...it keeps slippin' by me, and I keep gettin' older and older in the meantime. The Fountain o'Youth is much like that. I don't rightly know the bearings, as it's on land, but I will tell you that the well I drank from had the foulest-tasting water I've ever had the priveledge of bringing to me lips. And I don't feel no different. (Other than an upset stomach.) So I'm still lookin'. I'd like to help you find yer book, but I'm a little short of a crew, as well. It's hard times for pirates, even though we did defeat the Royal Navy, though I'm sure that's only a temporary setback for them. I'd be happy to have a drink (of rum) with you, but we'll have to leave out Mr. Gibbs. He's disappeared on me. If he shows up, I'll give him yer invite. Tortuga seems the best meeting spot. I've missed that place...
Captain Jack Sparrow

Dear Jack,
I'm am very mad at you. You killed my father. HOW DARE YOU?!!! Hector Barbossa was a very good person. So what? He left you stranded. I DONT CARE!!! Really, HOW DARE YOU!
Thanks for listening,
Shayla Barbossa
P.S. I hate Will Turner. Send my worst wishes!

Dear Shayla,
Listen, lass, you must be mistaken. I didn't kill Barbossa. Well, actually I did, but he's much better now. See, he's been brought back to life, and is still the nastiest pirate I know. So I'm sure he'll be in touch soon.
Captain Jack Sparrow
P.S. I don't think I'll be seeing Will anytime soon. He's on an extended voyage. Sorry.

Dear old Captain Jack,
My name's Avye MonAnge, now CAPTAIN Avye MonAnge. I hope you remember me from our journeys on the Sea Cat. But if not, I might just have to knock some sense in your head. I was the sister of Yates, if you recall, and he was your watchman. I was the stowaway...for a time. Anyways, I didn't write you to remind you of our past, now did I? I have come to ye for some advice. I've been captain for around eight months, and so I've gotton used to my crew. But this man showed up last time we went to port, Vincent's his name, and after a month he started being absolutely nasty to the crew. I've had some insults thrown my way, about me bein' a woman, and I've about had it. But my crew wants to keep him, for he's our cook, and he does a fine job. But I can't seem to be able to get rid of him! My crew could mutiny if I did, and I wouldn't want that to happen again after I was mutinied upon for giving up the bearings for a fabled Isla de la Mort what contains a chest, empty save for one diamond ring. The ring would grant the wearer whatever they wished, but they found out that for every wish, a friend or family member would have their soul taked to God. I do not wish to have another mutiny, but I can't handle this double-crossing bloke any longer! What can I do?
Your good friend,
Avye MonAnge, Captain of the Blood Wave

Dear Captain MonAnge,
This be a difficult situation, mate. Pirates enjoy good food in their bellies, but insubordination is dangerous. If you let him get away with it, soon others will be joinin' in, and then they'll think they don't need a captain anymore. I suggest a big party, with plenty of rum. Get the crew downright drunk, then dispose of the cook overboard. There's a great island where his services will be more than welcomed, it's on the west side of the Caribbean, called Cannibal Island. You may have heard of it. If anyone needs a good cook, it's the natives of that island. I'm sure they'll make good use of his skills! And then you can make up a story to the crew and be on your merry way. Hope it works for ya!
Captain Jack Sparrow

Dear Captain Jack,
Ahoy! It be yer former first mate, Barbossa. Tell me daughter that I will get in touch as soon as possible. May I at least be part of your crew again? I miss The Black Pearl.
Sincerely,
Barbossa
P.S. I'm very sorry about the mutiny

Dear Barbossa,
Ah, you didn't sign your name Captain Barbossa, so I know this letter is a fake. Besides, you're the one with the Pearl, you mutinous cur. And you'll never be sorry about any scurrilous deed ye done, so don't even try it.
Captain Jack Sparrow

Dear Captain Sparrow,
What did the Kracken spit taste like? What did it smell like? How did it feel to be covered in it?
Sincerely, M. Zone

Dear Zone,
Well, mate, it was foul, to be sure. But it was all worth it to have another chance at life!
Captain Jack Sparrow

Dear Captain Sparrow,
When are ye gonna visit me at the Fountain o' Youth? I am a guardian o' the fountian and would like to share the water with ye. My beauty will make ye forget any bonny lass that may be in yer thoughts. Especially help ye forget that Elizabeth Swann Turner, and those ladies on Tortuga. What do ye say? I am waiting for ye. Have a drink from the fountian with me.
Anabella

Dear Anabella,
I'm working my way there, lass, but of course I've been delayed by a few side adventures. I'll be there as soon as I can, I promise. At least you won't grow old waitin' for me!
Captain Jack Sparrow

Dear Captain Sparrow,
I am still inviting ye to join me here. I think ye are the best looking pirate in the Spanish Main. Please arrive here before Barbossa, I'd hate to have to deal with him alone. And if ye do come, please leave Mrs. Turner behind. I would hate to have to knock her in the dirt for betraying ye. I'll be keeping a weather eye out for ye.
As Always,
Aanabella

Dear Anabella,
Persistent, aren't ya? You must have patience, lass, I'll get there eventually. Barbossa won't get there anytime soon, since I have his map. And don't worry about Mrs. Turner, she's somewhere far away startin' a new life (on land).
Captain Jack Sparrow

Dear Capin'
I'm a lass of 12 and I live in the Caribbean. Me father is a pirate and me mother, she be a pirate, too. I was wondering where my place in the world was. To be a pirate and sail the seas till the day I die, or to stay on land? What's your plan fer me?
Yer friend,
Sea Dog

Dear Sea Dog,
Lass, yer name says it all. You seem to have been born to sail the seas. Enjoy your life of adventure!
Captain Jack Sparrow

Dearest Jack,
My name is Anamaria, ya know... you stole me boat! But now... I've got a better one, just like ye promised. Her name is the Black Pearl (I got her from Barbossa...), why did ya give the Pearl (YOUR ship!) to him? So if ye wanna visit me ánd if ye wanna get yer boat back, I'll show up sometime in Tortuga (But I can't guarantee that...) And I've got a very important question, a very, very important question, mate! What kinda mark did ye leave on 'Lord' Cutler Beckett (I heard he's dead...)? But still I wanna know what it is...And... I heard also that ya kissed Elizabeth, that strumplet of William Turner! I thought we had something and ye loved ME! I would have forgiven ya, if you didn't also cheat on me with Scarlet ÁND Gizelle!! I'm looking forward to yer answer...
Love, Anamaria
P.S. By the way, ya have a daughter and she's looking for ye! Maybe ya have already found her. Her name is Jezmin, she has pretty face (What did ye else expect if I'm her mother and ye her father!)

Dear Anamaria,
Lass, you've been out in the sun too long, it's beginnin' to fry yer brain. I doubt you could've gotten the Black Pearl form Barbossa, he's too cunning and downright mean for you to pull that off. As to Beckett, he thought he was cunning, but his greed made him careless, so I took advantage. As to cheatin' on you, lass, you know I'm a pirate and will never settle down. Love is a benefit of comin' ashore for supplies. And if I've got another daughter, well, have fun raisin' her, 'cause I'll not be claimin' any young-un. Sounds harsh, but mine's a harsh life. I can't be like a normal father to any of 'em. My father was a pirate, after all, and look how I turned out!
Captain Jack Sparrow

Dear Captain Sparrow,
Hi, I was wondering if you had a treasure me for me so I could find some burried treasure!
Thanks,
Captain Eee

Dear Captain Eee,
Well, mate, if you're a true pirate, you'll be knowing that the last thing another pirate will be doin' is revealin' where his treasure is. Sorry, mate, you'll have to find yer own.
Captain Jack Sparrow

Dear Captain Jack Sparrow,
I thougt I should warn you to steer clear of Tortuga for a while. I saw Norrington there only this morning! (I hope you don't find this a too personal of a question: Are you married?) Hoping to hear back soon.
Capt. Suzie

Dear Captain Suzie,
It must've been Norrington's ghost, then, lass, because I heard from a good source that he's passed on to the beyond. But thanks for lookin' out for me. And no, I'm not married. Read the previous letter for my reasons!
Captain Jack Sparrow

Dear Jack,
I will tell ye that I ain't spent your half of the treasure so dont ye worry there mate. I need ta ask ye a few things. One, how will ye find me when Captain Barbossa has the Pearl? Two, I met yer father while I found your half of the treasure. Three, I'm sorry ta hear what happen' ta Will Turner. Four, Was your last name before you changed it same as your dad's? You don't have to tell me the name, a simple yes or no will do. And one other thing I need ta say is that Norrington is dead. He got killed, if my source is correct. Also, I need help to find something called The Fountain Of Youth, there is something there that I need and luckily it ain't ta look younger (I'm only 17). I got told that you might have a map or something that shows the way.
Luv,
Captain Bleeding Hart Pearl

Dear Captain Pearl,
I will find you because I have another ship at the moment, and I have a plan for gettin' the Pearl back. Sorry you met my dad, he can be a fright. I changed my name, of course, because I wanted to create my own legend. It's hard growin' up under the shadow of a famous pirate. Aye, Norrington is dead (good riddance, I say). As to the fountain, I can't tell you in this column, and I don't know when I'll see ya again. But I'll keep a weather eye out.
Captain Jack Sparrow

(Your letter goes here! So send it in, you scabrous dog!)

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