AskJack

E-mail Captain Jack Sparrow Here
(We run a clean ship here, matey,
so don't be askin' nothin' yer wouldn't
be wantin' yer mother ta see!
And don't ferget to give yer pirate name!)

Captain Jack Sparrow - renowned pirate,
self-admitted scallywag . . . advice columnist?

Aye, it be true. Now that Jack has access to the
plunder on Isla de Muerta, his pillaging days
be over. He sails the waters of the bonnie blue
Caribbean looking for adventure, but instead
finds time on his hands. His solution? To help
fellow pirates like you with their problems !
After all, he's the best pirate you'll ever hear of !
His legend preceeds him. His pirating tales be told
in taverns around the world. Who else but he to
give advice to fellow pirates, aspiring pirates,
or pirates looking to settle down and recall their
days of glory?

So look no further, ye who call yerselves "pirate" !
Here be the place to ask yer questions and
benefit from the wisdom of Captain Jack Sparrow !
Send him yer email and come back later fer
his reply. It's sure to be interestin' , inspirin' ,
and perhaps even enlightenin' . . . Arrrr . . .

Dear Jack,
I'm a young feller what just signed on to a pirate ship in the south Pacific. Life has been rough so far, the food terrible, and the crew vulgar in manner and word. The Captain says we're sailin' to a land full of treasure to pillage, but I'm beginnin' to have doubts. Should I jump ship the first chance I get, or should I stay aboard and hope things improve?
Signed,
Bootleg Bob

Dear Bootleg ,
I know life aboard a pirate ship can be rough, but yer must trust in yer captain, at least fer now, savvy? Give him some more time to find that treasure. If yer not satisfied soon, jump ship at the opportune moment and find another pirate ship. Good luck!
Captain Jack Sparrow

Dear Jack,
My matey has a parrot what sits on his shoulder-like all the time. It weren't be botherin' me, 'cept it squawks in the middle o' the night and keeps me up! Do yer think we oughter have parrot stew one day?
Yours truly,
Sleepless Sam

Dear Sleepless ,
I know what you mean. One of my crewmates has a parrot, too. But his parrot has been very useful to me, as well. What say ye to training the parrot to watch out for enemy ships? Then maybe he can sit on deck during the night and lets you get some shut-eye! What say ye to that, eh?
Captain Jack Sparrow

Dear Jack,
Ahoy! My name is Kailon. I'm a bonny lass of 13. Me matie, Heather, has heard yer legend and goes crazy over you. We live in Port Royal and actually caught a glimpse of you at yer hangin'. I thought Will Turner be bonny in his feathered hat. Did you really enjoy yer adventures here in Port Royal? Me matie and I want to grow up to be pirates. Could you write me back as soon as possible? Savvy?
Later,
Kailon

Dear Kailon,
Listen, lassie, the life of a pirate be hard, and most sailors think it's bad luck to have a lassie on board. (The pirates soon'll be fightin' over 'em!) I think yer oughtta find a lad to settle down with and live a respectable life. But if I'm ever caught again and brought to Port Royal fer hangin', I'd appreciate some help with a rescue!
Captain Jack Sparrow

Dear Captain Jack Sparrow,
I'm a pirate lass living in Tortuga. Of course, I know 'tis dreadful bad luck for a woman to be sailing, so I usually stay on land with all the traveling pirates. My problem is with one of me fellow piratesses. Every now and then I stray from the Pirates' Code, and she is constantly nagging me about it. I don't think I'm doing anything wrong. After all, I don't sail on any ship, and the rules are more like guidelines, anyway. What is your advice?
With sincere wishes of fair winds and a following sea,
Katy Turner

Dear Katy,
There's certainly been a trend lately to ignore or weaken the Code. Although it sounds like a good thing, I'm afraid it'll lead to complete lawlessness among us pirates. But, to follow the Pirates' Code, ye must sail on a pirate ship. Since you're a landlubber, I dare say you should ignore that saucy lass. Throw some bilge water on her next time you see her. Maybe she'll ship off soon. By the way, next time I'm in Tortuga, I'll look yer up! (You don't like to slap people, do ya?)
Captain Jack Sparrow

Dear Jack,
My friends keep leaving me all by me onesies. They think they're more piratey than I am. I am disinclined to acquiesce to their request of me leaving the pirate business and becoming a regular village folk. Now they quiz me on the Code and say that I'm not piratey enough if I don't know it! They are more like guidelines anyway, but they don't care. So my too-piratey friends have gone a bit "overboard."
Mad Morgan Bonney

Dear Mad Morgan,
If pirate's in your blood, matey, then ye must remain a pirate. If I were you, though, I'd learn the Code. It'll help you in tight times. For example, don't forget to say "Parlay" at the opportune moment - it's saved my life a few times! Maybe you should go overboard to another ship where the pirates are more tolerant. Good luck!
Captain Jack Sparrow

Hey Jack!!
I was thinking...if I ever found u on the Black Pearl, what would u do with me????
Love, Cap'n Phaeford

Dear Cap'n Phaeford,
That depends on if you're friend or foe. If friend, I'll invite ye over fer a swig 'o rum. If foe, then I'll use me cannons to shoot you out of the water. But remember, the Black Pearl is the fastest ship in the Caribbean, so good luck on finding her, matey!
Captain Jack Sparrow

Dear Captain Jack Sparrow,
I'm a captain on the pirate ship of THE BLACK DIAMOND, the most feared pirate ship around Italy. I sailed over to the Caribbean with my crew and have encountered a major problem. I discovered that I am cursed and don't have any idea how to find my cure. Another thing is that I can't find a really good drinking partner? KNOW ANYONE? another thing is that I'm trying to find a treasure of the legendary SILVER SIREN and have a map, but unfortunetly I have a major problem, the map is missing parts so what do I do before my crew mutinies?
LOVE, DIAMOND

Dear Diamond,
Arrr... Ye didn't say how ye be cursed, so I'm not sure how to help ye. Maybe ye have scurvy. Eat plenty of lemons and limes. Ye should drop yer anchor at Tortuga to swig some grog. Maybe I'll see ye there. I hate to bring ye bad news, but the treasure of the Silver Siren be found by Captain Barbossa and his crew of miscreants, and is hidden on Isla de Muerta, which is an island that cannot be found except by those what already know where it is. To prevent a mutiny, drop yer crew at Tortuga and pick up a fresh crew. There's bound to be some wayward Spanish merchant vessels just waitin' to be plundered.
Captain Jack Sparrow

Dear Captain Jack Sparrow,
You see, Jack, I be the captain of the ship, the Black Rose. Since I know ye be the cap'n o' th' Black Pearl, maybe if we run into each other out on Lady Sea, you might be lucky enough for me to, um, *cough* "pillage yer ship," savvy? Ha! Tis a joke, me lad (it doesn't have to be if you don't want it to be, though, aye?). Ya see, my real per'dic'ment is that one of me mates, Will, be takin' all the credit for yer hanging rescue back in Port Royal that I planned! Yes, that's right, it was I, Captain Adrienne, that planned it! I've alwa's respected ye since even before I began this hard life o' piracy, so, when I recieved word of yer hangin', I sailed over t' Port Royal as fast I could and told Will what t' do. If it's not too much trouble, could ye please correct this injustice?
Your piratess truly,
The Forever Savvy *Captain* Adrienne
P.S. If yer ev'r in Tortuga, look me up *wink*

Dear Captain Adrienne,
Aye, I've heard of ye ship, but 'tis not as fast as the Black Pearl. So I don't think ye'll be pillaging me! Besides, I've been stayin' clear of the main shippin' lanes. Commodore Norrington of the Royal Navy is still tryin' to capture me. Thanks fer thinkin' up me rescue from the gallows. Will never mentioned ye, but then, we didn't get much time fer conversation afterwards. I'll fill in me crew on yer contributions, so they won't be mistakin' ye fer a scurvy dog. If I sail into Tortuga, ye'll know it, and yer can look ME up!
Captain Jack Sparrow
P.S. "Savvy" is my word - please don't use it again!

Aye...I be the captain of the Blood Red. My name be Captain Marlin Maiden. I am a legendary pirate, but ye should have heard of me, because I be known as a myth, a story of a 13 yaer old (who was given immortality; I am 2,000 years old with very fine looks) that saile the high seas everywhere. I just wanted to tell ye that I am no myth.
Yours truly,
Sabrina
p.s. Be careful what you write. I am a fierce pirate!

Dear Captain Marlin Maiden,
Aye, I've heard of ye myth, but thought it be merely a tale fer sailors to tell ter pass the time. It be hard to believe that a lass of 13 could command a pirate ship. Most pirates be ruthless louts and wouldn't take orders from a lass, no matter the age. But if ye be real, then ye must be a formidable lass. If ye be a fierce pirate, then I'll be sure to steer clear.
Captain Jack Sparrow

Dear Jack,
I be a young lass of 14. I think you are a magnificent pirate. Anyway, I just wanted to know how did you become a pirate? And did your parents agree with your decision?
Signed,
Bloodletter

Dear Bloodletter,
Sometimes one doesn't choose to become a pirate, it just happens, savvy? It be a painful time in my life, and I'd rather not revisit it. Me parents were poor folk, and not be the type to mind me turnin' pirate, but alas, they weren't around to ask fer permission. It were a hard childhood I led, and sometimes circumstances lead us in directions we don't expect. But since I've taken on the pirate life, it seems to suit me, and I can't see meself doing anythin' else. It's a risky path to follow, though, so I don't recommend it. It's worked out fer me so far, but someday I 'spect I'll be hanging from a noose. Listen to yer parents fer now, eh, lass?
Captain Jack Sparrow

Captain Sparrow,
Can you tell me how to find Isla de Muerte? That dratted monkey nearly caused my ship to sink before it settled with Barbossa. One of my sailors brought it aboard. Now I want to lift its curse and kill it. In case you're wondering, I'm Captain George Turner, distant cousin of Will's aunt's nephew, so I should be able to lift the curse. I've heard you're an excellent pirate, so I thought you'd be the ideal person to give me the bearings (my compass doesn't point north either!). If you're not goin' ter tell me, then shrug yer shoulders an' say you're a pirate... but I will get you, no matter how fast your ship is...Arrhh...
Captain Turner

Dear Captain Turner,
I'd say your compass is just plain broke. My compass doesn't point north, but it does point to Isla de Muerta. I can't give up the bearings to ye, 'cause all me plunder lies there. That's what I'm living on while I'm semi-retired. Good luck with the monkey. I never liked 'em neither. By the way, if ye jealous pirates continue with yer threats, I think I'll move on to another part of the ocean. Captain Norrington will find you all eventually, anyway, savvy?
Captain Jack Sparrow

Dear Captain Jack Sparrow,
I have a terrible problem! The crew and I visited this island and afterwards many of us started gettin' sick. We have very high fevers and have bumps all over our bodies. Some of the crew has even died! I haven't caught whatever it is yet, but I'm starting to get very worried. I'm thinking of leaving my ship... What should I do?
Your fellow pirate friend,
Mad Ann Cash

Dear Mad Ann,
Arrr...I'm not a doctor, but I'd say ye need to get to one right away! Bloodletting be the only thing to relieve such vapors. Convince the crew to put into port, or ye might end up fodder fer the sharks. Me 'eart goes out to ye. (By the way, if you're in the Caribbean, please stay away from Port Royal. I'd hate ta see those nice folks catching ill.)
Captain Jack Sparrow

Dear Jack,
What is life like on the sea and as a pirate?
Sincerely,
Bloody Davey Flint

Dear Bloody,
It be great! (Don't read the letter above yours.) The spray of the sea, the fresh air, the freedom to travel where ye may... and I get to wear cool hats. It's the life I love! If ye hear the call of the sea, I highly recommend it! (But don't read the letter above yours.)
Captain Jack Sparrow

Dear Cap'n Jack Sparrow,
I'm a first time pirate and I be havin' a slight problem. After only havin' plundered three or four ships, me clothes 'ave been reduced to shreds and I'm runnin' outta wearable attire sharpish! Am I jus' bein' over-enthusiastic durin' a battle, or are yer clothes supposed to wear out that fast? Anyway, seein' as you be the most respected pirate around these waters, I'm askin' fer yer fashion advice. What clothing should I be after next, bearing in mind a pirate needs teh look 'is best when he's makin' an entrance?
First Mate Ferntree

Dear Ferntree,
Part 'o yer plunder should'a been the clothes the other crew were wearin'. Yer need to make sure ye get ahold of somethin' next time. A good pirate mixes and matches 'is clothes to develop 'is own style. Pick up a shirt here, a pair 'o boots there, a scarf somewhere else, and so on. Ye always need a good belt, and some baubles t' accessorize with. And be sure to locate a decent hat. Feathers are optional. Have fun!
Captain Jack Sparrow
P.S. I'm workin' on a manual fer pirate fashion called "Pirate Eye Fer the Pirate Guy (or Gal)". Look fer it in a bookstore near you soon!

Dear Jack,
I am a young Pirate Captain, my name be Ethel Kidd, but my crew calls me "Dirty" Ethel Kidd. When I ask why, they say that I stink. Could it be the fact I haven't bathed in a year? Also, my best friend (you used to know 'em, his name was Bootstrap, but we call him William now) and I have a problem, we cannot find you! Where are you!? William and I want to start a fleet of pirate vessels with you, so where be ye?
Captain "Dirty" Ethel Kidd

Dear Dirty,
Bathing fer a pirate is optional, ye usually get soaked good in a storm, so that pretty much takes care of it, at least fer me. Maybe ye just need a quick dip in the surf to take off the stench. I thought William Turner was at the bottom of the ocean, so I'd like to hear his tale someday. As far as finding me, I'm laying low nowdays, since Commodore Norrington is still on a quest to bring me to (his) justice. I'm not interested in commanding a fleet right now. But maybe we'll run across each other in Tortuga. I stop in there from time to time fer a good pint 'o ale and a fling with a lassie!
Captain Jack Sparrow

Dear Jack,
I have but one question: Why is the Black Pearl yer favourite ship? I mean, it is dark, dreary, ratty, dilapidated, and unbecoming for such a fine pirate as yerself. You should have something such as the Interceptor, much more...colorful, which suits you. And what is with the two braids of yer beard? Is it eastern? From one of yer plunders in the orient?
Black Tom Cash

Dear Black Tom,
Arrr, matey, ye need to go back ta school. Yer asked more than one question. The Black Pearl and I go way back, savvy? I took her over from me former captain, when he were killed in a sword fight. I've been all around the world in this ship, and it's very fast. It's gotten me away from many East India vessels in pursuit. It looks a little rough now, since Barbossa ran it down, but I've plans to fix 'er up. Me two braids in me beard keep it from gettin' in my food. Plus I think it looks good. Style is important to a pirate, y'know. (See the Ferntree letter above.)
Captain Jack Sparrow

Dear Cap'n Jack Sparrpow,
I am Captain Jon of the Grogcup. I was wondering where is the best ales, grogs, and wines? You seem to know.
Sincerly,
Captain Jon

Dear Captain Jon,
Aye...with a ship's name like that, no wonder yer're looking fer a good drink! I've been all over the world, and I must say the best spirits be on Madagascar. There's a fella there who keeps a bar filled with the best drinks a pirate could ever want. Of course, he uses those spirits to trade pirates fer their gold, silver, and other treasures they've plundered (and at a significantly reduced price), so ye have to watch out fer him!
Captain Jack Sparrow

Dear Cap'n Jack Sparrow,
I am getting ready to buy a hat like yours and was wondering, does a hat make a pirate, or other qualities?
Captain Alextin, Captain of the Jetguns.

Dear Captain Alextin,
It's the attitude that makes the pirate! However, if you want a hat, then the three-cornered hat is a classic. Some prefer fancier hats with feathers, but they tend to get stolen by other pirates, so I recommend a simpler one. A lot of pirates don't have hats, they just wear scarves, mostly to catch their sweat.
Captain Jack Sparrow

Dear Cap'n Sparrow,
I was wondering, is it better to have a big ship like the Pearl or little ships like skiffs? I like ships like the Pearl, it's big and fast. Oh, I am soon to be Captain Buck Tooth Bill of the Ship HJumack. The taverns in Tortuga still talk about you.
Sincerly,
Buck Tooth Bill

Dear Buck Tooth,
The bigger the ship, the bigger the plunder. Without lots of cannons, ye won't win many battles, savvy? Some big ships are slow, so ye have to be careful. But a pirate can't be picky. Get what you can and move up from there. Any ship is better than no ship!
Captain Jack Sparrow

Few questions Mate:
One, we passed a ship in the dark a few nights ago, and me be thinkin' it be Ethel Kidd by the shrill yells at the crew. (A ship I wouldn't want to be on, says I.) So, do you know Ethel and the Winswept, what say you? Two, me be at Port Royal and Norrington caught me and made me a deal: he would forgive me crimes of piracy, if I was to help find you and lead him to you so you can be brought to the justice of the Crown...Ha! That be a laugh and a hoot! Harrrr, me tells him... it be 500 gold pieces and ye won't get Jack Sparrow. He-ha ha ha-he ha ha ha - He agreed - I've got the 500 pieces and he doesn't have you, like I said. He didn't listen too close, did 'e? Now, I never intended to give you up, but the gold is yours (it's on your head), so I makes a deal with ye - 250 fer ye, 250 fer me, what say you? Next time you be in Tortuga, I be leavin the gold at the Hogs Head Saloon with Scarlet. She be givin' it to ye, what say you?
Keep the wind in your sails,
Tom " Skull and Crossbones" Potter

Dear Tom,
I don't know Ethel Kidd, but she wrote me a letter (see above). If ye give the money to Scarlet, I'll never see it. You keep it, I've got plenty already. I'm surprised ye tricked Norrington, he's pretty sharp. Maybe he's havin' someone watch you to see if I show up to get yer gold. Watch yer back, matey!
Captain Jack Sparrow

"Captain" Sparrow,
Don't you think it a trifle unwise of you to disclose your whereabouts even to the postman? If even a pirate knows your location, it wouldn't be too hard for the Navy to eventually track you down. So far you have been too cunning for me, crazy as you seem - I never would have thought you'd suspect Potter. I have two questions for you - One, how do you always manage to escape in the nick of time? Is that just sheer dumb luck, or are you as good a pirate as the stories tell? Two - where on earth are you? !
Commodore J.C. Norrington, Royal Navy

My "Dear" Commodore Norrington,
Why would I admit whether it's sheer dumb luck or that I'm a great pirate? Pride tempered with modesty would prevent me from admitting to either one. (Though the stories are good, aren't they?) Alas, though I do drop in on Tortuga from time to time, I do it covertly, so good luck finding me. (I seem to be saying that a lot lately, don't I?) As to where else you might come across me bonnie ship and crew, well...good luck finding me! But it's flattering that you still care. I told you you would remember the day that you almost caught...
Captain Jack Sparrow
P.S. The postman doesn't find me, I find him. Sorry.

Dear Jack,
Me best mate has a big problem. One of the girls on her ship spread a really bad rumour about her. No one believes her that it isn't true, only I believe her. Do you have some advice I can give her? If you do, I would be much obliged. Thank ye.
Many blessings for clear sailing conditions,
Stephanie "Jolly Roger" , Daughter of Tom " Skull and Crossbones" Potter

Dear Jolly Roger,
Rumors can be useful, if used properly. Pirates thrive on heresay, especially if it casts them in an evil light. Tell yer mate ta brag about the rumour and embellish on it. Then the person who started it won't get the glory, and yer mate will enhance her reputation as a fiersome pirate! Be sure to add on unbelieveable elements, so then no one will know what part to believe. (It's worked for me!)
Captain Jack Sparrow

Dear Cap'n Sparrow,
I am a just starting pirate and the town I came from did not allow swords and guns and I was wondering where can you get a trusty cutlass and pistol? The crew I'm on always laugh. I'm know as Jick bladeless.
Sincerly,
Jick Bladeless

Dear Jick,
Aye, ye can't be a good pirate (and won't last long, either!) without a good blade. Ye didn't say how much money ye had. If ye have enough, ye can go to a blacksmith and have 'em forge one fer ye. Otherwise, stealing one is the best method. Try it when another pirate has passed out from too much rum. Guns are useful, too, but then ye got to find shot and powder for it, which can be bothersome. A good sword is always ready!
Captain Jack Sparrow

Dear Jack,
I be a young lass currently lodging in Tortuga, and I'm tired of one night stands from traveling pirates... I was wondering, Captain, if you were looking for a strumpet for the Pearl? I would be honored to stay and entertain you and your crew. I am pleasurable company, and I can sing and dance... if you're interested, pick me up in Tortuga, I'll be waiting... savvy? *wink*
Love,
Kila

Dear Kila,
Sorry, lass, I don't take on "entertainment". Sounds like yer're looking for a husband or a job at a tavern (or both?). Since Captain Norrington be on my trail, I stopped takin' on any new crew, too. He's gotten quite sneaky lately. So if yer're workin' fer him, tell him "no thanks".
Captain Jack Sparrow

Dear Jack,
I'm running away from a bad husband, and have decided that the best way to take out my frustrations is to turn pirate. I intend to model my pirating methods on yours ... a really-bad-egg-with-a-heart-of-gold sort of thing. But I would appreciate a little help with the reputation thing...i.e. if you could spread a few rumours about what a vicious, not-to-be-messed-with pirate I am, it could help me get off to a good start.
Also, I'm in the market for a good ship. Know where I could commandeer one without too much trouble? Hope to see you in Tortuga and compare notes!
"Beardless" Molly Mordor

Dear "Beardless",
Rumours? I've heard tales of yer ruthlessness and fierce pirating ways all around the Caribbean! I've 'eard ye'll chop off a feller's hand just ter get 'is rings, slice off an ear to get an earring, and run a bloke through if 'e looks at yer wrong. (How's that?) Commandeering a ship takes mates to help yer, so my first suggestion is to join an established crew, get to know a few of them, and then convince them to jump ship at the opportune moment to commandeer another ship. (I don't condone mutiny, so don't go that route.) Good luck on your new career!
Captain Jack Sparrow

Dear Cap'n Sparrow,
Am Jickbladeless who has wrote you before mate, an I have 60 pounds and need to know to the location of a good blade maker and pistol seller. I got some redcoats following closely behind.
Sincerly,
Jick Bladeless

Dear Jickbladeless,
I've never had my pistols made, they're usually given to me by other pirates. As to a good blade maker, check out Will Turner at Brown's Blacksmith shop at Port Royal. He's very good, though I haven't any idea how much he'll charge ye. (Tell 'em Jack sent ya, and maybe he'll give ye a discount.)
Captain Jack Sparrow

Dear Jack,
I was wondering how to get fame about yourself...like yourself. I was just able to commandeer a British heavy galleon, and got named...
Captain Ratfeet Slice

Dear Captain Slice,
This first thing is to spread rumors about yer exploits. If yer buy lots of rum fer fellow pirates while telling yer stories, they'll get spread lots faster. I would suggest changing yer name, however. Otherwise, ye won't get any pirates to join yer crew!
Captain Jack Sparrow

Hey Jack,
We thought he be allowed only ONE letter, so how come JICK BLADELESS got TWO?
Signed and incredibly disgruntled,
Ethel Kidd and Black Tom Cash
[as to the rumour of Ethel Kidd, she'll cut your hand off for the sake of it...for fun!]

Dear Ethel and Black Tom,
Hey, missy and matey, if ye need to email me more than once, why not? It's not like I'm doin' much here, just soakin' up the sun and surf, drinkin' some rum, playing some dice with me men...But just make sure yer letters have to do with pirate problems. I'm not qualified fer much more, savvy?
Captain Jack Sparrow
P.S. Ye can always inform me of Commodore Norrington sightings, too.

Captain Jack,
I have a dire plight needing your help. I would live to re-decorate my ship to reflect the true decor of a pirate vessel, as it were, and don't know where to begin. How do you turn a 20th century home....errr...pirate ship into a very nice 17th century decorated ship...errr...home????
Thanking you in advance,
Your humble servant in dry dock,
TN Bearcat

Dear TN Bearcat,
Well, I'm not much of a decorator, mate. All I need is a good bunk to sleep in, a table to eat on, and a chamber pot to... well, you get the idea. I'm used to living on a ship, not in a house. I imagine lots of paintings of ships at sea, clean sand on yer floor, and some colorful scarves to drape around the walls would do fer me. What say ye to that?
Captain Jack Sparrow

Dear Jack,
Where have you been!? We have been waiting for you for THREE YEARS! Did you ever get the invitation? I guess not. Well, I thought you would like to know that our son's name is Jack, and his sister's name is Pearl. One question though: Why be the captain of the Black Pearl, when you can have another? Oh, and another question: though it goes against what I said before, what of you and Anamaria?
Good-day,
William Turner

Dear Will,
I'm sorry, I've had to keep out of Norrington's reach. But I'm so glad to hear of my namesakes! Maybe I can sneak into Port Royal sometime and visit. As to the Pearl, it's fast, it's got history, and it's mine! (And I cleaned off Barbossa's stench.) Anamaria is still with me, but there's no romance. We are too much alike, I'm afraid. I'm not the settling down type like you. My ship is my love. Keep in touch.
Captain Jack Sparrow

Dear Cap'n Sparrow,
I am Captain Glick and me and my firstmate, R.J., is about to turn pirate. We need to know which is the best way to start out: steal a ship, "borrow" without permission, or buy a ship? And are you scared of Ethil Kidd?
Sincerely,
Glick and R.J.

Dear Glick and R.J.
Any "decent" pirate will steal or "borrow" a ship. It's who we are. As to Ethel Kidd, I don't scare easily, but she be one of the meanest pirates around. Watch out!
Captain Jack Sparrow

Dear Jack,
This be not a question, give this as an answer to Glick and R.J.:
The question is, are you afraid of me? Ye should be! Jack Sparrow is right - "but she be one of the meanest pirates around. Watch out!" What he didna' say is that I'll kill yeh in the blink of an eye! From behind I'll.... then I'll step around and .... Then I'll slice the .... and as yeh lay helpless, I can pick yer arms up and .... Then as yeh pick yer head up, screamin' in pain, I cross meh cutlasses and... . Savvy? Now are yeh afraid? Yeh should be, I'm out there. And once I'm done with the body, I'll look yeh over, lookin' fer any jewelry that I care to own, and turns to meh mates, cutlasses still in hand and says, "Look at the mess he's made of my ship! And if any of yeh swabs track his blood anywhere else on meh ship, you'll be getting the same as he, says I! NOW! CLEAN 'EM UP! PUT UP THE SAIL, MORE RIGGING! WE'RE HEADIN' FER TORTUGA!"
Watch out,
Captain "Dirty" Ethel Kidd

Dear Captain Kidd,
Whew! That be a frightenin' letter! Sorry, lass, but I had to edit out the more graphic parts fer any young eyes that might be readin'. It was too horrific to print. Yer reputation is growing by leaps and bounds. I think I'll stay away from Tortuga fer awhile!
Captain Jack Sparrow

Dear Jack,
Where be ya? I 'ave been travellin' most of the Caribbean waters just to see you. You probably don't know who I am, but I've 'eard a lot about you! Now I hear ye be writing a problem page fer young pirates. Ye be a good pirate and (hopefully) father. Please, I must see ye. It's me, yer daughter, Mitzy Sparrow. We 'ave a lot to talk about. You 'ave a lot of catching up to do, 15 years, in fact. I 'ave me own ship now and am in search of the treasure of the Lost Abyss. Any hints? Please, I need me father's help.
Thinking of you always,
Love, Mitzy Sparrow
Your Loving Daughter

Dear Mitzy,
I don't know what to say! Not sure I be ready to have a family. This not be a good time to be a Sparrow, young missy. The Royal Navy be after me. I don't know anything about the Lost Abyss treasure other than it's in the South Pacific. Good luck. As to meetin' ya, it may be difficult. I'll send ya a message through the bartender at the Thirsty Ram pub on Tortuga.
Captain Jack Sparrow

Dear Captain Sparrow,
I am a 15 year old lass who is the Captain of the Glittering Emerald. I have recently picked up a new crew in Tortuga who unfortunately don't believe I can be a Captain 'cos I'm a woman and such. I don't think this is very fair 'cos I can swordfight and hold me liquor as good as any of 'em, and we regularly pillage and plunder. How can I get 'em to respect me and see that I am a good Captain?
Yours faithfully,
Captain Loz of the Glittering Emerald

Dear Captain Loz,
Respect is such a delicate thing. Me crew respects me 'cuz I treat 'em right, share the booty and work fairly, and give 'em lots of rum. But each captain earns respect in his (or her) own way. Ye'll have to find yer way. It takes time, lass. (Yer kinda young, too, so I bet that's most of the problem.) Just watch out fer a mutinee. It can happen to the best o' us, unfortunately. Ye need to cultivate a few loyal pirates t' back yer up in case o' trouble. It's good yer can swordfight!
Captain Jack Sparrow

Dear Jack,
I am a 14 year old lass who is the Captain of the Golden Sparrow. It's a family ship, but the crew says they seen ya and I've banged into ya in Tortuga. My biggest problem is that my crew is mates with Norrington and they want me to go afta the Black Pearl and you. Yer ship is the fastest one and the Golden Sparrow is second fastest according to Norrington. I don't know what to do. Do I agree with me crew or drop them somewhere and pick up a new crew?
Luv,
Captain Pearl

Dear Captain Pearl,
Aye, it's a tough decision. As Captain, if ye ignore yer crew, they may mutiny. On the other hand, I'd hate to see someone else after me! Norrington's a bit of a stuffy feller, and any crew who's mates with him probably aren't cut out ter be good pirates. It's true that the Black Pearl is fast. Nobody's caught me yet, which is probably why Norrington is trying to recruit others. Very sad. Gettin' a new crew might be yer answer. Take a cruise over to east Africa. There's always an East India ship ripe fer plunderin'!
Captain Jack Sparrow

Dear Jack,
It be Bloodletter again. I was wondering is any of yer best maties was a girl pirate? Have ye ever come in contact with a siren?
Sincerely,
Yer best matey, Bloodletter

Dear Bloodletter,
My mate, Anamaria, is a "girl". She's a good pirate, too. I'm not sure what a siren is. Is that like an alarm you yell when yer ship is sinkin' ? Or some kind of mermaid?
Captain Jack Sparrow

Dear Jack,
U said u didn't know what a siren is. Well, it's a mermaid with a voice so powerful that anybody who came by would forever perish.
Sincerely,
Bloodletter

Dear Bloodletter,
Thanks! I've never seen a mermaid, but I'll be sure to avoid them now! (Though I've heard they're beautiful, even if they do smell like seaweed!)
Captain Jack Sparrow

Dear Jack,
I'm Bermuda Barbossa, Barbossa's daughter! You betta watch your stinkin' step, because I'll be behind you! How dare you do such a thing to my father! Some people say you're a good p'rate. Fat chance of me believin' that ol' myth now! He was th' last o' me family, and you killed him! I'll be hunting you and your matey, Will Turner, down. Don't worry, nothing good will come of this. My ship, The Black Pearl II, will catch yer slow original. You may seem tough, but I can see your cowardly exterior! You mark my words, you'll be sorry! Now I'm an orphan. I hope you feel guilty! That heart o' yours (if you 'ave one) must be pretty cold and dead right now, because if it isn't, then I'll make sure that it's pretty dead when I get my hands on it! Watch yer heart, Sparrow, 'cause I'll 'ave my sword in it!
Yours deadly,
Bermuda Barbossa

Dear Ms. Barbossa,
Sorry, lass, but yer father deserved to die. He stranded me on a deserted isle 10 years ago, after he led my crew in a mutiny. He didn't expect t' see me again, but I survived and vowed to avenge myself and take back my ship. That's exactly what I did. Sorry you miss him (though I can't see why), but I won't regret my actions. I didn't take them lightly. Smooth sailin'. In another ocean.
Captain Jack Sparrow

Dear Ms. Barbossa,
This an answer to your letter. I've been a pirate for a long time, since I was a young lass of 11 years. I know how to contain my crew. I've sailed with Jack Sparrow for a long time, as well. He is right - your father betrayed him in such a way that it is despicable. If he knew the Pirates' Code he would understand that ye must never betray yer mates.
Sincerely, Captain Bloodletter
P.S. Dead men tell no tales

Dear Captain Bloodletter,
Well said. Thanks for your support. Yer a good mate!
Captain Jack Sparrow

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